Reinforcements have been sent.....
The SIL called me yesterday. She had found out about the divorce. She talked to me for 10 mins and then told me to hang up. Then she showed up that evening. Reinforcements.
I have to say that she really fought with her brother. But Hubby was nuts.
"She's aways been horrible, but I"ve put up with her....I remember back in 97!!!.....she's ruined the kids.....she doesn't deserve to be treated well.......the woman who used to be my wife.....she is driving me nuts...I DON"T WANT HER! I DON"T WANT HER BACK!"
Etc etc....BARF BARF GAG!
He said so much. He told stories. He went on and on. His sister and the downstairs SIL took him on the balcony.....OMG....he went on.
I sat inside and just shook my head. Sigh. Everything one sided...from his own twisted perspective....so much like my lovely nieces father....
His sister pushed me to go talk to him. They didn't stop.....ON AND ON AND ON AND ON.....I finally gave up and went on the balcony....he turned and said....
LOOK! If you think things are going to be solved like this, you can forget it....this isn't simple.
So I says..."Lets just take a small step then....that's fair."
So I says to him......I'm scared and hurt and I've been drowning....I need a hand out of this. You have been my everything....my mother, my father, my brother, my lover, my friend......and when you chose this other woman.....you left me in Egypt with nothing. I have the children, which is my world....but I had always imagined you beside us.
He says..."When someone attempts to rescue a drowning person with a rope....are you supposed to yell....NO GET ME A STICK?"
I said..."most people don't leave someone drowning for two years....."
SILENCE.
Then he started again. Sigh. I left.
~~~~
The sister goes and fights....his brother shows up. Hubby goes off the deep end again. Oh jeez. More of Safa shaking her head. I have to say....the only one who was actually giving it to him was the downstairs SIL. The one who bugs me the most in this family....but she sure gave it to him when he started going off.....alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah.
~~~~
I actually went and slept in bed last night. I was pushed into it. CRAP! But I lied there until sleep found me. He was in bed as well.....a stone.....some inanimate object. But I think I played dead better than him. In the morning I woke up alone. Good.
~~~~
The SIL with all the kids called me today. I think her husband will be coming as well. I don't know how well I can take another day of all the yelling and screaming and insults. In fact....I don't think I will take it. Maybe I'll leave them. Yes, I think if it starts going nuts like yesterday....that I'll take the kids and go downstairs. Enough is enough.
~~~~
I've cried buckets yesterday. If I was having a problem with self esteem before all this....sigh. But the one good thing......humour matters. How is it that on the outside I'm laughing but the inside I'm dying? My lovely niece has this same quality. In the midst of her most saddest tears.....I can make her laugh. And vice versa.
Just pray I get thru round two.
~~~~
I'm worried about the BC situation......am calling embassy to discuss things.....
posted by Safa at 3:43 AM
16 Comments:
I just wanted to say this. I know things have been hard and that it's hard to listen to your husband talk about you like that BUT it's obvious that his family doesn't believe everything he says or they wouldnt' be sticking up for you and his sister would be fighting with him on your behalf.
Whatever is going to happen will happen but try to be strong and try not to let his words hurt you. They are just words, remember that.
May Allah make this test easy for you Ameen.
6:23 AM
You should not let yourself be pushed into anything. Just remember that God is your rock. I hope everything works out.
-C
6:33 AM
How does he figure you 'ruined' the kids back in 97? I would say, "trust no one" but you've got nothing to lose, Safa. You've only told the truth and expressed your feelings. I hope that at least, if nothing else comes out of this, the in-laws see that you're a good wife and mother whose on the other end of a some dodgy dealings by your husband. Hubby hates what's happening (hence the threat about this not going to work this way) because it forces him to no only deal with your anger about the situation but the fury of 2 other Egyptian women at times, which is equal to the fury of 10 American women, imho. ;-) It also forces him to own up to the shame of what's he's done. Though saving face might be part of culture (and therefore lying to everybody in order to defend his heinous actions), I don't doubt that the family sees through it. Like you said, they're trying to save him from himself. Let him continue embarassing himself. There might be nothing anyone of you can do to save the marriage (it's in his hands), but at least the truth shall set you free. Let him unravel in front of them all, and we'll see how this ends up.
6:42 AM
Asslamo Allaikum Sister,
Just read your blog about the divorce bit.
I am extremely Sorry to hear that and feel your pain Sister. You shared your emotions, your deepest secrets, your being with this man for so many years and tried your best to remedy the situation but in the end it didn’t work.
It must be hard and it must be difficult and even though I advise a lot of Muslims on such issues I will neither pretend nor be condescending enough to say that “I understand it fully”.
Wallahi! I don’t but I CAN and WILL make dua for you.
Sister, I don’t know your educational, professional and financial situation but I do know that Rizq comes from Allah (SWT) and I do know and firmly believe that Allah (SWT) is the controller of the heavens and Earth.
Sister, Allah (SWT) is capable of providing substance and providing a Father to your children and a husband for you. There is no shortage in the treasures of Allah (SWT), NEVER was NEVER will be!
If you choose to go back to him; its your choice.
If you choose to cut loose; its your choice.
But Allah (SWT) will NEVER abandon you or your children.
Allah (SWT) is YOUR Rabb & the Rabb of YOUR children.
Sister in Islam, Our Rabb is the sustainer, provider and He (SWT) will take care of your needs.
Wallahi! I can’t write anymore! I am wiping my tears and the screen is going blurry.
My heart is choking with emotions and my mind is going in circles!
I want to say so much but I can’t continue.
7:48 AM
After reading what went on yesterday, I think getting out of the house is a good idea for you and the kids. His behavior is simply reinforcing the fact that you have made the right choice!
8:11 AM
OH MY GILLY OD......this is insane ts.....dont mind my french but this family FUCKED!!!...dear god woman...get out while u can....save ur self.....im doomed no matter what...lol
so anyhoo....big brawl with my dad last nite....big brawl with u and tcf....why do the men in this family gotta b so predictable eh...sigh...eh atleast WE know their nuts.
liked the comment about my dad on there...one track mind....turning signals are broken i guess eh...
so anyhoo....i hope u keep strong ts....and dont let them push u into anything u dont wanna do....if u back down now...u lose for life...
keep me posted and sending them txts...ill give u any bit of support i can with the texting....if it gets too bad....go into the bathroom....send me a text and ill send one back for a lil pick me up so give u strength to deal with the mental patients disguised as contributing citizens...
love you...MWA MWA....
ps......reminising time....pablum....kufta....question of the day...if someone walked in on u taking a shower....would a) attempt to cover yourself up....or b) throw ur hands up in the are like u just dont care and scream?
9:56 AM
Clearly whoever screams the loudest in this situation is winning. You keep holding things in. You let us in on your feelings but you don't shout them out to him. I don't know why.
While he has the nerve to go off while being on the completely wrong end, you just listen to his crap. Polygamy is not his worst mistake(culturally yes), but the fact that he has NOT BEEN HERE TO BE WITH YOU AND KIDS. He has left you fatherless and motherless.
You keep being nice. And that's YOUR PROBLEM. You keep holding it all in. The challenge w/ that is you MIGHT BURST. You might do something crazy cuz yur dying inside! but you refuse to let the world really in on it.
SAFA FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, FOR ALLAH'S SAKE, SAY EVERYTHING TO THEM OUT LOUD. YOU ARE GONA TOTALLY GET YOUR SELF ESTEEM HURT IF YOU DON'T ANSWER BACK. CUZ IN THE CULTURES BACK HOME, WHOEVER DOESN'T SPEAK...WELL IT IS CONSIDERED THAT THEY DON'T HAVE A COMEBACK! SO DON'T GET INTO THIS GAME OF CONVERSATION, BUT DO SPEAK THE TRUTH!!
If I were you, at this point, I'd ask for a situation that I want, (like if for instance you wana go back to Canada), AND THEN DO IT. Get the hell outa this man's life. He seems like he has some issues.
He really doesn't like you for SOME REASON. I can't figure it out!
What is it? What is it that he dislikes about you? He actualy at some level seems like you, doesn't actually SAY THE TRUTH OUTLOUD?
ahhh im really frustrated
10:17 AM
Safa,
You have done yourself proud, you have maintained your dignity throughout.
You are so strong, i pray that you can maintain this strength and continue to stay out of the bickering and keep a level head.
10:26 AM
Assalamu 'alaykum sister,
It really makes me upset how much people looove making women feel guilty about a divorce.
The man has been not only unfair but cruel to you... how's that normal? How is that you are being asked to put up with that?
And the "for the sake of the children" is.... so much BS! Children need a good, calm environment, with a good and relaxed mom, and with a good paternal figure. His father is definitely not the best example at all, so he might as well not live with you. There are many situations in which kids that just grow up with their moms are fine... they can always find the "male" figure in an uncle or something.
HOWEVER, kids that grow up in a twisted family environment do end up so well.
Allah swt has not asked us to bear oppression and unhappiness in this world. If you want to end it, you have absolutely every right to do that.
Then you would have time to heal freely and not have any more nighmares and humiliation.
And Allah swt knows best.
11:47 AM
Sorry you have to put up with all the yelling, arguing and insults. Big hugs to you and the kids! Saying prayers you can find peace soon!
12:39 PM
It's strange how people can have an impact on how we see ourselves, even when we don't value their opinion.
It is so obvious everything is just crap told by a furious and pissed-off man - not really able to love in the true sense of the term - something he did not think three weeks ago when he was deciding to fly here to keep you, and nevertheless, it hurts.
Someone who is able to make such a mess of his life should not give "authorized advices" on other people's qualities... And nevertheless it hurts, because he was everything for you.
I'm so deeply sorry for all this pressure. I know the "play dead in the night" this is so awful ... and imho very far from helping for any reconciliation.
Lots of love
1:28 PM
as salaam alaikum: what is the BC situation, rather what does BC stand for? I'm thinking custody of the children, especially his only boy... you're in my duas...divorce is hard even when you want it, but sometimes it is the best. i think this brother has had enough chance to prove himself. polygyny works when the husband is just. this dude is not. God says both the oppressor and the one who allows himself to be oppressed are wrong. You're on the right track. stay strong, don't back down. it seems even with all this pressure to cave, you are relieved to finally have decided to break, right? THAT's what you concentrate on, and hurry up and plan your escape route. Don't tell ANYONE there...Masalaama, Asiila
6:46 PM
oof! [holding my head with both hands, shaking it back and forth, making sympathetic noises] safa, what a circus...
sarah
8:35 PM
The thing that is bother ing me is the fact that he says you have ruined the kids but you just gave birth. If he really believed that you had ruined the older girls I serioulsy doubt that he would have carried on making babies.....God he pisses me off....I wanna batch slap him.....
6:30 AM
As salaam alaikum (if I, as a non-muslim, may say that to you). I have been following your story from afar for some time now and though our cultures are very different my respect for you and the grace with which you are handling an unspeakably difficult situation transcends earthly, human-created boundaries. You are an inspiration to all of us who seek to be faithful (each in the manner true to our hearts and understanding).
Stay as strong and true as I have seen you be all these months of reading silently. I send you all the honest love I have in my heart and wish the best for you and your children.
7:20 AM
Asslamo Allaikum,
Re:Duas of a Divorced Middle-aged Muslimah!
Some may say that what do the duas of a divorced mild-aged woman mater? My Dear Sisters in Islam, Allah (SWT) sent revelation & Rasul-ullah (Sallaho Alaihe Wassallam) was MADE to change his judgement all BECAUSE of the duas of a middle-aged woman!
For all those who worship Allah (SWT), let it be known that neither sleep nor slumber overtakes him and he listens to his servants like he did in the time of Rasul-ullah (Sallaho Alaihe Wassallam)
[58:1] Allah has heard the talk of the woman who was debating with you about her husband, and was complaining to Allah. Allah was hearing the conversation between both of you. Indeed, Allah is All-Hearing, All-Knowing.
It is related that when Khuwaylah bint Tha`labah (RA) received “Zihar” (husband saying you are like the back of my mother) & went to Rasul-ullah (Sallaho Alaihe Wassallam) and asked for judgement saying:
• Rasul-ullah (Sallaho Alaihe Wassallam! he spent my wealth
• Rasul-ullah (Sallaho Alaihe Wassallam! he exhausted my youth
• Rasul-ullah (Sallaho Alaihe Wassallam! My womb bore for him
Rasul-ullah (Sallaho Alaihe Wassallam) issued a judgement according to the Arab custom (as Qur’aan was silent on the matter), she kept pleading/insisting and kept referring to her plight and kept saying “Where will my children go?” “Where will I go”? but Rasul-ullah (Sallaho Alaihe Wassallam) said, “I have not yet received anything about this matter” and then Rasul-ullah (Sallaho Alaihe Wassallam) kept silent. But she kept saying, “Where would I go”? How would I feed my children?
Finally in one version she uttered, “O Allah (SWT)! I direct my complain to you.”
http://www.islamibayanaat.com/EnglishMaarifulQuran/English-MaarifulQuran-MuftiShafiUsmaniRA-Vol-8-Page-339-394.pdf
Bottom of page 345 & Page 346!
Slightly shorter version in Tafseer Ibn katheer (RA):
http://www.tafsir.com/default.asp?sid=58&tid=52757
Sister Safa! Turn to Allah (SWT), He is my Rabb, Your Rabb & Rabb of your Children!
7:40 AM
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