Q's and A's....

How do I feel?
Rejected.
Dejected.
Sad
and
Lonely.

How can I learn to accept the feelings associated with Polygyny?
I've tried....it's not working.

Can you accept that your husband has another wife and just live your life?
I've tried this too....but it doesn't work when your husband is unfair to you and doesn't treat you well. He told me that I can be replaced.....that never stops echoing in my ears.

Was your husband good to you before Polygyny entered your life?
He was the best. Masha Allah...caring, concerned and considerate.

What if your husband moved you both to one country and was able to be fair?
I don't see it happening......and besides....polygyny has brought out the worst in him.......but for my part? No.....I don't accept it.

What is the most difficult thing that you have a hard time dealing with concerning your marriage?
The lies, betrayal and deception. The lack of trust. I don't believe a word he says anymore. And whenever we try to talk, we don't get anywhere....we react. And then I react to his reaction and he reacts to my reaction....we end up having a new problem and the old one just lies there stagnant.

Can your husband do anything to save the marriage?
Hmmmm. He can start by moving to Egypt....or bringing us with him to Canada. I cannot live with polygyny anymore....so he can divorce the other wife, too.

Is it fair what you are asking?
Yes and no. Its fair for me to ask to be in the same country....not fair of me to tell him to divorce wife # 2. I haven't told him to divorce her, btw. But it is hard for me to accept the presence of wife # 2 as a reality, when all he tells me is that he HAD to marry her cuz he was saving his reputation....when he says she's temporary......when the sheikh tells me that my hubby is only keeping her cuz he needs to win a court case. It's difficult for me to believe that she's a living breathing woman that he may even love. If this is what I hear about her, I wonder what she hears about me. I'm very tempted to call her in Morocco. Very tempted. I'm sure hubby would have a hissy fit. Maybe I'll send her a text message telling her to call me and that I want to talk to her?....maybe.

Do you think your husband still loves you?
I think he loves me cuz he's grown used to me. Not because he actually appreciates me and realizes my worth. He doesn't show me any tenderness and love. And that's what makes me think he couldn't care less.

Do you still love him?
Sigh. Yes, I do. Having 5 kids together, its hard to imagine myself NOT loving him. But how he is right now in front of me? No, I don't love that person. I tolerate him.

What about the children?
They are suffering from his ways. They love him desperately....and want him home desperately. He keeps letting them down. They need him to be their father again....

Where are you right now?
I'm surviving the pressure. Dealing with the stress. Trying to be an understanding Mommy. I take hot showers and cry. Sometimes in the day, my eyes well up with tears....I tell the kids I think I have allergies.

What are your coping mechanisms?
The Fajr prayer and Qiyyam al Layl. I've been praying them daily....I focus my being on those prayers and stand afterwards and watch the sun. I try to forget myself in the peace and quiet of the dawn. I hug my children too much and hold them too tight. When Precious Baby is nursing, I look at him and his innocence and thank Allah. I take my joy where I can get it and look to the faces of my children to provide it. And sometimes I beat the hell out of a mouse.

Where do you think your life is headed......??
Divorce.

Are you ready for that?
I don't think you ever are.....but I think I'm prepared mentally.....my insides are frozen at the moment.

What about "melting"? Is it possible that your husband could do something to melt you and make you forget this?
Hmmmm....perhaps holding me and telling me how much he loves me. And me looking into his eyes and actually believing him. Making love. But it won't last....he'll get on the phone to call MM and it will all be forgotten. He is the soup, I am the steam.

What does that mean? Soup and steam?
Well.....the soup is ever changing according to the ingredients you put in the pot...todays soup isn't like tomorrows. But the steam never changes.

I. am. the. steam.