I had my moment....
Yesterday the SIL called me and wanted me to come downstairs to continue discussions with her and her hubby. I told her I'd be down in 15 mins. Hubby had taken out all the kids because he wanted to spend "time" with them. (he took them to a juice bar for some juice and then drove around aimlessly for 30 mins...no talking....just a silent drive) So I changed the baby, who actually wanted to nurse.....and then I prayed 2 rakats before I went down.
Bismillah.....I said that as I left my apt.
I got there and the BIL started. He monologued....it went along these lines....
"Safa, you 've got to change your thinking....you got to help your kids....you aren't going to get anywhere like this......who'd want to marry a woman with 5 kids.....your husband has made mistakes....you have to be able to forgive him and move on.....blah blah BARF!!"
He also addressed the comment that upset me. About me being the reason for TCF remarrying.....and I had my moment...I looked at my BIL and told him......let's talk some logic...
"You mean to say.....that my hubby married a Canadian christian woman with three kids who worked in the coffee shop that he bought his morning Java from......you mean....he married THIS woman...because I'm not a good wife? You mean to say....that my hubby married the Moroccan woman.....who was his best friends ex wife.......who was sending him TEXT messages of LOVE that were HARAAM.....he married her BECAUSE I WAS A BAD WIFE? I'm sorry, I said to him.....but I don't accept that. And it's downright low to say that to me now."
BIL backtracked and said....I was only repeating ur husbands words. I told him....well......this should never have been said.
Then BIL started with more stuff......over and over.....hammering my brain.....until I just felt to get up and run out of the room screaming.....and subhanAllah.......Allah let a little brilliance come out of his mouth......he said to me.....
"How about trying to live each day like it's your last day....stop thinking about tomorrow....just think about today....."
I like that idea. It's PURE Islam, you know? Live in this world like you are a wayfarer.......yes. I liked that. And I told him that I thought that was excellent. And then I told him.....so if I'm living for today.....I'm telling you, that I can't continue in this marriage as long as Canada is part of the picture and I can't handle the Polgyny deal anymore. And nothing has changed with these two aspects. At least not today. So the divorce still stands.
Some people were asking about the SIL. You know....as much as she bothers me......she has been spouting some wisdom and has been a very good moderator in all this. Yes, she has stepped up to the plate. At one point, the BIL says.......so what if he talks to the other wife from the bed.....that should be completely fine! SIL looked at him and says.....IT IS NOT FINE!
After last nights obligatory torture session, I came upstairs.....TCF had come back with the kids. He was watching TV with them in the room. And I was wondering if the sight of him like that would open my heart.....but no......it didn't. I took the baby to the spare bed and lied down with him to nurse. The 10 yr old came over to me to talk......and then the oldest......and then the 12 yr old.....soon.....all my girls were around me........and I just sat there and took comfort in that.
TCF fell asleep in the TV room......and so the night passed. Everyone in their respective corners......with the marriage bed laying empty like an unblinking eye.......
~~~~
This morning he left early.....he sat in the livingroom waiting for me to bring his coffee. Which I never did. It took him about 15 mins to realize that the coffee was not coming. He then got up and left. He didn't even say salaam. He came back 10 mins later, and I told him I needed money. Which he gave to one of the kids for me. He sat down for a bit....talking to the kids about school clothes and whatnot....asked me to join them. I did.
So then.....he goes for an afternoon nap in our room........and I don't think sleep came to him. Eventually he came out of the room and asked the 12 yr old to get him underwear and undershirt so he could have a shower. Hmmmmm....well he packed everything ..... nothing is here. He leaves again. The SIL calls me a while later and told me that TCF was searching thru all his bags.....apparently unable to find something. Eventually he gave up and told his nephew to come with him to buy some underwear and undershirts......HAHA!! I can just picture him digging thru all those luggages. He appeared about an hour later, showered and changed. He asked all the kids what they were doing.....we had just finished dinner. (The kids called him on the phone for dinner but he told them he ate) He just stood by the computer watching the 4 yr old play......asked the oldest if she was enjoying reading Harry Potter for the 15th time......and didn't ask about the 12 yr old, because she was working out in her room.......he kissed the baby.....stood there for a bit.....and then left.
So much more to tell....but that's enough for now.......I'll tell you all about the new conversation with the SIL later.......oh ya....and I told the BIL....if TCF could marry a woman with 3 kids and yet another woman with 2....why couldn't someone marry me with 5?
posted by Safa at 6:24 AM
27 Comments:
Looks as if he feels sorry for what he has done.
7:15 AM
Dearest Safa,
Your children will not keep a good man away. Personally I think it's rather low of your BIL to take this tactic but I am sure he's trying just about everything he can to save his brother from himself. Funny thing is, he needs to tell his brother to give up Canada and polygyny -- but an Arab man will not stand firm against another when there is a woman who can take the blame and be manipulated.
Please consider my messages and let me know if you need anything. If you and the kids would like a little getaway to Qatar, you only need to ask. Get the baby's documents in order and I'll get the house ready. I have plenty of room and there is a nice pool, playground and clubhouse with gym and billiard table.
Love you,
PM
8:02 AM
Salaam Safa,
Keep strong sister. Allah is with you. May this time be as easy as it can be.
8:12 AM
Sounds as though he's realizing the truth of what he never wanted to acknowledge... That's he's pushed his family away so often that now they don't need him and he doesn't even fit in any more.
If he didn't have a 2nd woman that he was constantly thinking about and if he'd kept his promises consistently, then his homecoming would have been a joyous event with the girls updating him and sharing their lives with him. But as it is now, they've been dissapointed by him so often that they don't want to risk him now.
Sad for him but he's reaping what he's sown.
8:17 AM
"...who'd want to marry a woman with 5 kids..."
Oh my Allah, what has happend to the muslim mindset?
If men were just as passionate about practising the sunnah of our beloved prophet when it comes to marrying single mom's as they are in practising polygyny (on their own terms offcourse), this question shouldn't have been in your BIL line of cliché BLA.
And like marriage is the first thing on your mind right now.
The question should be: Who would want to stay in a marriage like yours?? Putting up with lies, disrespect, false hope and haraam.
Anyway...I guess it's not very reasonable to expect an objective view from your BIL in this case, unfortunately. But thumbs up for the SIL sticking up for you at that moment.
Don't let 'em get to you Safa.
8:26 AM
From your BILs fervent attempts to patch things up, does this signal that your husband wants to remain married? What I find interesting in all of this is that TCF concedes NOTHING. His brother offers up no compromise. He suggests no compromise. Where is the "I'm sorry, Safa" in all of this?
9:10 AM
What the BIL is offering me is saying the following...
"I want you to wait and be patient until TCF finishes the court case.....then if everything isn't the way you want it, I'll be responsible then."
So yes, CGal.....the BIL wants me to take more of the same for a little longer......sigh.
TCF is moping around....he looks like a pissed, impatient, angry man. He keeps coming upstairs and sitting down....then leaving and slamming the door behind him, never saying salaam as he leaves. But I was nice today....I asked him if he'd like to have something to eat....he said no. Oh well.
10:00 AM
Stop being nice safa to him Safa!
He said you were a bad wife so why should u try to please the man who can't be pleased even in divorce.
What I think is the most outrageous is that he actually waited for you to bring him coffee. The woman who was never good to him, the woman who he divorced a little while ago and he waits for coffee. THE NERVE!
10:55 AM
If I was a man I would marry you cuz you are hot!
11:07 AM
He wants the obedient wife he had before....He says you are a bad wife but he has come expect certain behavior from you....like the underwear and undershirt thing... and his coffee....he wants you to continue to do the things you did before. Just like Kimberly said "Sounds as though he's realizing the truth of what he never wanted to acknowledge... That's he's pushed his family away so often that now they don't need him and he doesn't even fit in any more". I am telling you it is just a matter of time before reality sets in for him.....
11:11 AM
Salam!
Couldn't you wait a month or two longer? It seems like a pittance of time when you look at it from the perspective of five, ten years down the road.
It really does sound like he loves you and is sorry. Is he behaving in the best fashion? Well, no. He reminds me a little of my husband actually.
I come from a polygamous relationship where there have been too many lies and broken promises as well. I shed tears and tears until I stumbled on something in the Quran. May God please forgive me for not quoting it exactly! But it was to the effect that the sins of others have not the power to harm you if you are a believer. His lies and broken promises hurt -him- they don't have power over you unless you give them power. There was a person who used to throw trash in the Prophet's(as) yard everyday. And everyday our Prophet (as) used to pick up that trash and throw it away. That trash didn't hurt him, it didn't bother him, it hurt the person throwing it and our dear Prophet only felt pity for the one hurting himself.
Right now your husband is just hurting himself. He knows it. You can tell. His actions show it even if he is too proud to say sorry. You know you are a damn good wife and a damn fine mother. Nothing he can ever say can take that from you.
Couldn't you consider it? Just one more wait. There is no more beloved quality in the eyes of Allah than patience. I've read that believers that are patient will be allowed to enter into Paradise through whatever gate they wish. You still have an opportunity to work on that quality within yourself. If you choose to wait for Allah, I don't see what you would lose. Surah al Asr. "Verily Man is in loss." In regards to time we are all in a state of loss.
Salam alaikum sister. My heart goes out to you.
11:27 AM
Grrr...I hate how family and friends have to be these mediators. Why can't a husband and wife sit down and talk-why must a 3rd party try and convince one or both spouses to do things?
11:55 AM
What is this court case about?
12:03 PM
Hello Safa:
I am a female lurker from NYC. I just wanted to tell you that my heart is with you in these hard times, reading your story is like deja vu: My father in law did the same exact thing... He took his wife and kids overseas, left them there too long, and married his morrocan worker in NYC!!
Same story except my MIL had 5 boys and 1 girl. I told her about your blog, and she said that if you can get out of it, GET OUT. She has chosen to stay, but its very hard. She doesnt have the education or means to make another decision. I think you will be fine! Start over, go teach at an Islamic school in Canada, raise your girls... you'll be fine.
12:45 PM
Did he say when he's leaving for canada yet?
Did you ask him about getting your sons paper work in order at least before he goes?
Since he has so much time on his hands to walking around pouting he can get busy with at least the paper work.
I'm glad you sad something to your BIL and didn't allow him to keep promoting some of this foolishness.
I talk to my husband about you and he said he never heard a relationship work when the woman started ironing all the mans clothes, laying them out for him, cleaning him. Every relationship he knows where the woman did that then men didn't appreciate it at all. They walked all over those women like mud ducks . My husband just commanded to NEVER iron his underpants or serve him like a maid. lol
He swears it's a curse associated with this. lol
I told him that even if he didnt appreciate it her reward is with Allah SWT for all the extra effort she put into his care. It is his lost and her reward toward jannah InshaAllah. He replied: true... but still don't do these things for me. I'm a man able to take care of these basic things, the women has so much to bare as it is with the kids and the house so if you iron my underpants and laid out my close everyday I think its genetic for the man to start to treat the women like a push over.
I told him i don;t understand men at all sometimes. They baffle my mind with such logic.
lol
Please let us all know when you have opened a paypal account.
1:54 PM
Hi Safa,
I think you should really ask about the details of this case. After all, if this is so important that it can push your husband to marry another woman, and wreak havoc on your family, if they want you to trust them and wait for the end - and obviously there IS something at stake, then they can gain your trust by telling you the full truth. I know this might be "not in the culture" but it seems fair.
You are still in difficult times. Sharing your house with him like that must be so uneasy. Happy you have a support with SIL
Lots of love
2:24 PM
Salamu alaykum Dear Safa,
This is the iddah period and it is 3 monthly menstrual cycles and it is the time when all decisions are made. Although the consensus may be there is not much worth saving with zogee's attitude only Allah knows what the final result will be. Keep your duty to Allah and your husband and know that you are still married until the iddah runs out. I must admit that his words and actions these past few days are extremely distressing, hurtful and bad, many a men have overcome odds and made it through an iddah with the marriage stronger or at least the relationship better.
3:21 PM
Salam alaikoum
I think he is pissed, impatient and angry because he is being held to act by MM's whims. I think he came to EG because deep down in his heart he wanted to fix things with you, and she pulled her psycho Moroccan phone flip out and he had to do damage control. The problem is that he has no power anymore, so he tried to blame it on you, when you aren't trying to take away his power like MM is, you just want your rights.
I do think allahou alim his inner self wants his family but that he feels helpless because he is in a situation out of his control. He can't tell you what to do and can't tell MM what to do so he just reacts to both of you. Even though he brought it on himself, I feel bad for him.
I have actually heard the housecleaning divorce crap, but the sister was like slobbier than me, which is bad. Not someone who lays out clothes and scrubs stoves until they get steel wool in their fingers. Any casual reader of your blog knows how clean you are, so that is a pile of crap. But sadly, the "you're messy" divorce excuse is one I have heard many times in my entourage, usually directed at converts. Cheap shot with no basis in reality. Stay strong.
8:02 PM
I admire your strength through this, Safa. I really, really do. I think a lot of hearts around the world are breaking for what your family is going through.
Focus on your kids - don't sell yourself short through it all and know that you are in a majorly huge prayer chain.
I know everyone is dogging your hub, but I pray that he comes around, snaps out of 'La-La Land' and sincerely apologizes for what he has done to you, your children and to the other 'women' he married. Think about how many people's lives this single man has affected - from his immediate (you and the kids), to his own relatives, to the other wives...wow. If I were him, I would't want to know I was responsible for ripping peoples hearts apart. Doesn't mean you necessarily have to remain married to him, but forgiveness between you two at one point has to be given / taken at least for wounds to heal.
L_Oman
11:22 PM
Oh by the way :)
I discussed this a little but with my husband, a Muslim Moroccan.
He was totally shocked about the stupid excuse for being messy. That your husband did not realize that earlier... I just tell you his words : "With modern life, the only real lawful reason a Muslim man would have to marry a second wife is if he has no child. The rest is just not muslim". That's his opinion :)
2:44 AM
Reading all these comments...I love the points that are brought up. Its like I'm getting all angles of this at the same time. Some of you are saying tomatoe and some are saying tomahto. I love that.
And again....like I"ve said over and over.........
In the end, it's my decision.
This morning tho, when he took off downstairs to go have his shower......I couldn't help but to feel that this has all turned horribly wrong for him....LOLOL!!!
And inside of me?? I wish I'd have done this long ago.......
3:37 AM
Assalamu alaikum ya Safa
From one canadian revert sister to another *huggggggggggggggggggs*
From one canadian revert sister in polygyny to another *HUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG*
The sister who wrote that you are part of a majorly huge prayer chain, she's right.
You can add me and my teen girls to that prayer chain, praying for you and your kids.
My mom always says "this too shall pass" when I've reached a rough spot in my life...so I'll pass her wisdom onto you.
Human beings grow through pain. You're going to be one amazing woman when this is finished - one with so much clarity, and compassion, and strength of character, and FAITH...masha Allaah Safa..you are a woman to be admired. Your inner character is getting a serious workout!
As for wishing you had done this long ago, I'd take it one step further and put like a jar of vaseline beside his bed or wherever he's sleeping. And a cute "I thought you might want this"..sweetly spoken to him, as you meander (with your tush sashaying, naturally) back to your bedroom - and your marital bed. Neener.
*grins*
Women can be wicked. :Þ
4:39 AM
الأخت الفاضلة صفاء،
السلام عليكم ورحمة الله.
أوصيك بتقوى الله عز وجل و أوصي المعلقين أن يتقوا الله فيما يكتبون و أن لا يكونوا عونا للشيطان على أختهم
فالأمر جد خطير.
فالضرر سوف يلحق بجميع أفراد هذه الأسرة الكريمة:الأم و الأب والبنات،تلك الزهرات البريئة.
و أذكرك بأنك إن أحسنت تربيتهم فإن جزاءك الجنة إن شاء الله كما بشر بذلك محمد صلى الله عليه وسلم.
وأنصحك أن تتعاملي مع هذه المصيبة التي تكاد أن تعصف بهذا البيت وهذه الأسرة بعقل إسلامي
بعيدا عن العواطف أو العقل الغربي أو الشرقي؛
فأنت بارك الله فيك قد اخترت دين الفطرة عن اقتناع ،لا لدنيا أو زواج.
لا شك و لا ريب سأكون كاذبا إذا قلت أنني أستطيع إخبارك بحل أو مخرج لهذه المصيبة التي حلت على بيتك
وكل ما أستطيعه هو أن أدعو لك بالتوفيق والهداية والسداد وأن أذكرك ببعض النقاط من باب أن الذكرى تنفع المؤمنين:
1) بغض النظر عن استمرارك في الزواج أو لا تذكري أنك قمت بالهجرة تنفيذا لأمر الله.
2)الأضرار و المساوئ التي سوف تتعرضين لها أنت و زهراتك في كندا ستكون أكثر مما تعانونه في مصر
من جميع الجهات :دينية و نفسية واجتماعية و ثقافية ودراسية
3)الرزق سواء أن كان مال أو زوج أو أبناء فهو بيد الله سبحانه وتعالى و لا يعلم الغيب إلا الله
4)من ترك شيئا لله عوضه الله خيرا منه
5)الراحة الحقيقية والسعادة الدائمة في الجنة التي هي غاية المسلم و الهدف الذي يسعى له.
أرجو أن أكون قد وفقت في التعبير عما أردت إيصاله لك
ولا حول ولا قوة إلا بالله
some remarks on what others have commented
1)UmmAbdur-Rahmaan said...
If I was a man I would marry you cuz you are hot!
I don't think this is a suitable language
2)UmmAbdur-Rahmaan said...
He wants the obedient wife he had before....
what's wrong with that? as long as it is halal.
3)Cairogal said...
Grrr...I hate how family and friends have to be these mediators...
Yes I agree, but with divorce a mediator from his family and one from her family (moslim) is needed!
4)
female lurker from NYC
"My father in law did the same exact thing..."
HijabIsOverrated
"I talk to my husband about you and he said he never heard a relationship work when the woman started ironing all the mans clothes"
This's not the way how an advice should be given!!
6:27 AM
I love you.....I love your outlook on things. I mean everything...No matter how bad things get for you, you always come out smiling...I talk to you on the phone and there you are laughing. I love that about you. I am sorry about the account thing I will try again on Monday with another bank if not then I will wait until next week for 'S' to help...is that ok?
6:40 AM
Salaams, Safa.
First, HOLY CROW! I miss you blog for a few days and all kinds of heck busts loose!
Second, I'm sorry that things ended this way. I was really hoping that he saw what he was missing and wanted to re-integrate into his family.
And I've said it before, sounds like a mid-life crisis... now all he needs is the snazzy sporty car and bad toupee.
Insha'Allah you will get babyboo's paperwork in order, just in case.
His pouting sounds like him figuring out that things have changed and that maybe he got the short end of the stick.
Just treat him fairly (so you don't have to answer for it later), love your kids, and move on as you see best.
I don't know about you, but I would hav hired a private investigator in Canada a while ago to figure out the whole court/business/MM&kids thing. Yes, it's sneaky, but after so many lies I'd need some truth. (yes, I know it's unfair, unislamic, and blah blah blah but an ounce of knowledge can advert several pounds of pain)
4:13 AM
Aww resposibilities---I guess you don't know me that well....I never use suitable language. And as far as the obedient wife part I meant that he wants her to be obedient and continue to do all of the things she did before he divorced her. He wants her to behave as if nothing happened.
6:58 AM
Salamalaykum Safa,
it came to my attention today that your weblog url is posted at http://forums.muslimvillage.net/index.php?showtopic=28169&st30&p=601592&
I thought to inform you since the site is very directly linked with the Sheik al Hilali who used to be the grand Mufti of Australia, until earlier this year. His reputation was in trouble over much shirking among his following in respect of other Muslims, and because he was seen on Egyptian television last year, or maybe it was earlier this year (during Ramadan it already feels a new year), perhaps the Egyptian media could align you with what sort of witnesses to your story might become transparent now that your url is at the site I have given the linking url for.
You are very brave.
Salam
6:24 PM
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