The last hour........
It's 9:30 pm. We should be going down in an hour. The BIL already talked to hubby a bit. Hubby has been walking around the house this entire afternoon barely saying two words to anyone......but he did manage to talk to the two older girls for about 3 minutes.....
He asked them..."Where would you rather live...Canada or Egypt?"
"Canada" they both answered. He rolled over on his back. The oldest girl walked out of the room. He continued the conversation a few minutes later with the 12 yr old....
"What would you rather choose? Dunya or deen?" He asked her.
"Deen." she answered. "Canada has no deen!" he said to her. And rolled over again.
Still she stayed beside him........then he says...
"I will live in Egypt.....I WILL LIVE IN EGYPT".....
She then says.....what about your other wife? Will you give her rights?
"I will give her rights"...he says.
"So you'll live with us 6 mos and her 6 mos?" She asked....
"I'll give her different rights..."
"How?"
"I know how...but she'll get her rights..."
"If I was a second wife, I'd demand my rights....will you bring her to Egypt with you then? Will she move into the villa with us?"
"Maybe...." he says....and rolls over for the last time. This time she stood up and left. I was sitting in the livingroom. She sat at the window while tears poured down her eyes. It took me 15 mins to get her to finally talk to me.
~~~~~~
The BIL is on my side. That's the good news. So is his wife. But I don't think I'm going downstairs to make any deals today....
I'm going downstairs to get divorced.
~~~~~~
I've prayed......and I made dua. And I'm ready. I hurt tho. My husband has chosen this woman over me and his 5 children. This woman who does not respect his kids. And yes.....it does hurt.
I'll I can do is wait for these last moments to pass........
posted by Safa at 11:25 AM
10 Comments:
Assalamualaikum,
dear sister, i think you need to start taking bold actions and start taking control of your life again. The way it seems to me is that he has moved on with his life - you need to start your journey.
I know its very hard to do when you married young, and have spent so many years together. Dear sister, you've done all you can. If there was anything to salvage, your husband would've taken the necessary steps.
Go with what your instinct is telling you. If you have pleaded to Allah, done isthikara, thajjud, done loads of dua's, and you fear Allah - then do what your instinct is telling you.
Allah is always with you, and you have all our dua's.
Walaikumsalam
starlight
xx
12:05 PM
What a brave daughter you have. She speaks as though she knows way too much about the real world, and that's a tragedy at her age.
I don't understand...what happened to him divorcing the other woman once she had her kids? Is it Canadian courts that are considering her a more worthy mother because she's married to your husband? I guess I never understood the logic of him marrying her. If it is for the purpose of proving that her children have a 'good' home, does that mean she's legally married to him in Canada? Perhaps it's too late to bother with these questions.
12:19 PM
Oh my I wasn't expecting that, I am sorry Safa, very sorry that you and your children are going through this.
12:51 PM
There is PLENTY OF DEEN IN CANADA. He can stop the games.
I'm sorry for all those spelling errors i made in my last comments. I was just fired up mad and didn't feel like using the spell check before I hit that send button.
It's good, no great the girls are pressing him for clear answers. They should continue to press him. None of there questions were disrespectful and these actions effect them just as deeply as the effect you. Your kids have rights over their parents and don't deserve to live in limbo. SO just reassure them that they are in the right. As long as the questions are respecttable they should keep pressing and keep asking. He NEEDS to HEAR them. Not that it will really help mind you becuase I'm sure he feels the tense air when ever he comes home to the children. He's no fool, its just that he has already decided what he rather do with himself and damn the wife or the kids.
I see in all of this that he still isn't considering divorcing MM even after she has her kids now and is back home. If she is so "saved" now WTH Is the hold up? Why the holding on tto her for dear life? Should he not be holding onto the rope of Allah SWT even tighter? Burn his ear off Safa every dang day he is there. He doesn't deserve a second of silence and you need clear answers. Make him chose clearly NOW. or you purgatory (sp) will NEVER end.
Remember think like a MAN.
love you.
1:51 PM
Asalamalaykom. Subhanallah Safa!
Wallahi, I didn't want this for you. I wanted better---prayed for better. I advised you to give it everything you had...and you DID...and still it wasn't enough. Alhumdulillah. Now you know. Now you know that NOTHING was going to keep him. Nothing. He is too far gone. He wasn't with you...not in any way. He was not a husband. Hearing the news tonight will only confirm what already is. He left you. No matter what you have asked for, he asked for what he wanted long ago and he wanted haram. He did. He wanted women and sex and justified it with wrapping the Quran around it, but he didn't really live it. No, he did not. Astragferallah.
I don't know if my anger and sadness helps or hurts you at this point. Sigh...wow.
Get through this time minute by minute. Don't try to jump too far ahead. I've been EXACTLY where you are and I know. Do the next simple task, get it done, and look for what to do next. That's it. Keep life simple. Keep your brain from dwelling on "what ifs". TRUST IN ALLAH.
Keep sweet. Don't get bitter over this. Stay the course you have been on. I know it seems as if you have been let down, but wallahi! you have been saved. I was saved by my divorce after polygyny and so will you be. My life isn't perfect now, but it IS MY LIFE. Hey, if anyone is going to screw it up, it's goin' be ME! I don't need the help of some man and his extra-marital affair. Neither did you. This wasn't polygyny really. It was a mess. God got you out of the mess.
I love you loads and tons. You will continue to be dear to me.
Listen to women's voices in song. Find women singers on youtube and listen to their power and groove on their vibe. You have that in you. You got it squooshed lately, but you will revive. Inshahallah. I don't have to mention to read Quran and listen to Quran, as I know you already do. But listen to positive messages in songs. Keep away from dark music and literature and media. Go out into nature. Smile at people who need it more than you. YES! Somebody is worse off than you! Even today! Alhumdulillah.
I could go on and on, but I'll stop. Just know that I am here if you need anything...well, almost anything. I REFUSE to run away to the convent with you! So, no more of that!
Big hug! Kiss! Kiss!
3:06 PM
Wish I could be there to give you a big hug. Allah knows best and I have admired your strength throughout this trial. It is certainly not a situation I can even imagine trying to work through.
Hold your children close and take solace in each other.
3:28 PM
I'm feeling so much pain for you right now. The worst thing in the world is to have someone chosen over you and your children. I've never felt more of the longing to comfort you. Allah yahmik
3:45 PM
Sounds to me that your husband needs to take some of his own advice, because right now he is surely choosing this dunya over his deen, and also the deen of his children and wife. Lead by example...he obviously isn't. I can't believe your 12 year old has more sense than him mashallah.
Your husband is surely answerable for a lot Safa...a lot, and Subhanallah, until death is staring us in the face we are so forgetful of our inevitable end. A reminder is possibly due.
3:57 PM
uh, :(
I wrote my last comment before I read that he divorced you. I just some how didn't think it woould come to that. I figured time and the kids would bring him back to sanity. I can't believe he said those things about you after you use to go out of your way to make everything perfect for his visits. With 4-5 kids there will be some degree of chores at all times but he hasn't hardly been around in years to help so his logic is very weak. Rejoice, in the out come. we should say Alhamdulliah no matter whatt happens. Perhaps, Allah SWT will replace him with someone or something better. InshaAllah. I'm very disappointed in your BIL and I can't believe that he nor the BIL refused to address the 2nd wife.
*sighs*
May Allah SWT make things easy for you sis. Call your family back home, go outside, and take the kids with you. Play Quran often, even more so if he comes around.
Its seems that he had made his choice long before this conversation and that you only pushed him to admit outloud what was already in his heart.
Quran
4.40
Allah is never unjust in the least degree: If there is any good (done), He doubleth it, and giveth from His own presence a great reward.
4.81
They have "Obedience" on their lips; but when they leave thee, a section of them Meditate all night on things very different from what thou tellest them. But Allah records their nightly (plots): So keep clear of them, and put thy trust in Allah, and enough is Allah as a disposer of affairs.
12:45 PM
Salam alaikoum
I have this perverse habit of laughing when I should be crying, but believe me I have been crying for you, sis.
However, when I read the BIL's comment about "who would want to marry someone with five kids"...I started laughing...in my mind I was like, "Hold up crackhead, who ever said Safa wanted to get married again? Have you completely missed the point?"
Also IMHO I know men who would give their right arm for a woman like you. But anyways.
7:27 AM
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