Ramblings......
My 4 yr old is sick with fever and complaining of a sore throat. May Allah make her well....ameen! Two nights ago when the fever showed up....she called me...."Mama...I want you." I went to her and laid down and felt her burning head. Poor girl! I got a cloth and draped it across her forehead....and asked her what's the matter....here is what she said...
"I wanted to touch the moon, Mama.....(and she's holding her pointer finger out)....and I jumped really high!!! But I smacked my head instead and got the fire in my head...."
LOLOL!!! I called hubby over...(he had just finished praying fajr)....and asked her to tell him what happened. She told him the same story, and he got a grin on his face. Before he had a chance to respond....I told the 4 yr old.....
"Next time you want to touch the moon, just tell Baba so he can get it for you first..." She said okay. (And hubby looked at me with disbelief!! HAHA!!)
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My 10 yr old took me aside yesterday. She needs to talk. I took her in the room and she asked me if I wanted to go sit with Baba for a bit. No....I'm okay...I says. Do you want me to sit with Baba? She says to me.....it's just that I never see you guys sitting together. Hmmmmm.
So I tell her....we do sit together but you are probably asleep at that time. That seemed to relieve her....but then she blew me away with the next thing....
"Mama....I'm scared that you and Baba will die and leave me all alone"
Ohhhhhh. I hugged her hard and she cried into my shoulder....and then I looked into her eyes and told her....Honey...I'm going to try my very hardest not to die, okay? But then she started to cry again, and told me that I have no control over what Allah has written. SubhanAllah!!! I laid down with her for some times and we talked about many different things. At one point, the kids called me for something...I told her I'd be right back.....and hubby happened to go in the room. I walked back over and found her hugging him and crying.....and he's talking as well. I sat outside and prayed that he would say something to ease her mind, where I may have failed. He did talk to her for quite some time. And eventually, she fell asleep in his arms.
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He came home yesterday and delayed the Alexandria trip yet again. Now we are leaving Thursday...INSHA ALLAH!!!! The kids were so upset when he changed the day again.....very difficult to deal with.
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ME? Well, I slept on the guest bed, hubby slept in the room. I am not talking to him. He'd be stupid if he didn't realize why. I am avoiding him. Checked his cell phone....no calls. That's interesting. His canadian cell phone is in the drawer....but the charge has died and it sits there lifeless. He hasn't even been checking it.
A good thing that has come out of all this frustration....THE HOUSE IS SOO DAMN CLEAN!!! Ya! That's what I've been keeping myself busy with....cleaning. No laundry in the basket, kitchen floor shining, no dishes.........but....BUT....I've been eating too much.
I keep picking at things....and it's bothering me. I gotta stop that.
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The fajr! ALHAMDULILLAH, for the fajr!!! I prayed Qiyyam last night....just a few rakats because that's when the 10 yr old wanted me. I prayed the fajr with my most beautiful voice.....loud enough so that the house could hear me....if they strained their ears. I went to the balcony afterwards and looked out. Sigh. Then I walked around the house and looked at each of the children.....double sigh.
Peace. and tranquility. Oh please Allah......let those both be mine. Ameen.
(more later)
posted by Safa at 1:55 AM
8 Comments:
assalam alaikum dear sister, my heart goes out for you! can't you try to do the first step? don't let it continue like that, both your hearts are hardening and it will be more and moe difficult to solve the situation. maybe he 'thinks' he is reacting fo the way you behave? anyhow, just do the firt step!
2:52 AM
Asalamalaykom Sighing Safa,
I see your "ramblings" as positives. Your mood, though not your waistline, is improving.
Maybe you being stronger is allowing your children to be weaker. You know, with you falling apart (as you have before) there was no chance for the kids to be scared. They had to be strong while you flipped out. This time, you might see the kids opening up to their pain more. It's good both you and hub let them. Your WHOLE FAMILY has bumped their head on the moon and needs time to recouperate.
May God bless your little darlin' with good health--possible strep? If there is sore throat and fever together (with no runny nose) then she should be seen.
3:56 AM
Still no "talking" huh? Did you do what I suggested? It may be that he is afraid because of the hurt he has caused you he is trying to be cautious with the "talking" part...and he may not be quite sure how to approach you....
5:38 AM
assallamu alaikum sis,
Just wanted to say that I hope things work out for the best. My heart hurts when I read of your pain - with hardship comes ease. InshaAllah this is your ease. Grab hold of it and dont let shaitaan break you. I do think that your husband realises that he needs to make amends for the past. Men can be really stupid though, they don't quite know how to fix big problems! If you really want to make a go of it, help him by not shutting him out by ignoring him. (easy for me to say I know, I'm not living your life)
MashaAllah, it is great that you are doing qiyaam. 'Verily in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find comfort.'
I think it would be a good start, for the both of you to pray it together. :) It might open up new doors to the relationship.
Forgive me if I've said anything wrong.
**hugs** from your sis in deen.
5:59 AM
Safa, why not take him aside (leave the kids w/ family) and in the most 'non-hostile' way possible, ask him what his intentions are. Tell him you need resolution. Tell him need to know exactly what his plans are for your marriage, so that you can make plans accordingly. There's nothing wrong w/ that...i know it's hard to abandon all that anger, or the love, for that matter. Just try and let reason and rationale rule for a bit-at least long enough for you to get a real answer out of him. If he refuses or delays as he has done in the past, then at least you have something to make a decision on.
7:16 AM
Aww...i hope everything turns out for the best, Safa... But its better out than in, they say. Its good that your kids are atleast talking about what's been happening...
Duas for you and sum ameen to yours.
10:02 AM
Salams, I agree that you probably should try to talk to him and tell him what's going on in your head. Don't make him guess, because he probably has no idea! Good luck sister!
6:57 PM
Your 10 year old is realizing that there is something between you and your husband. It might be best at this point to do as Cairogal says and talk to him without the children around. Let him know that the children are aware that things are not right between you two. I pray for you and your family.
Ma'salaam.
2:22 AM
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