something......a little something.....
How long have I been asking Allah to just give me a little something? How many prayers have I prayed and then sat making dua asking for just a little something?? Oh Allah, you are my witness, that all I ever really needed was a little something......
SubhanAllah.......
I never asked for a BIG something....but that's what Allah always gave.......when I was hurting and down, I asked Allah for a little, and he sent me to Canada for a month......
When I was lonely and crying upon my return, I asked Allah again for a little, and he blessed me with my first son.......
When I was sick and about to deliver......I asked for a little....and I got my husband for just 20 days......and I wasn't so pleased......but then those 20 days sure made the world of difference....
Alhamdulillah for a little something....always.
Now a little something may be happening in just 2 days. YA RAB! And I pray to Allah that this will be granted.....please make dua for me, for my children and yes, even for my ear ache...(that's supposed to be funny!)
And I really hope this little something is going to happen. It could mean the beginning of the end.......I'll tell you all about it later...
Oh Allah....grant us your promise of ease after difficulty
Oh Allah....protect the ones that I love, near and far
Oh Allah.....clean our souls as pure as white cloth
Oh Allah.....let us walk into this Ramadan with full hearts and the light of Eman
Oh Allah.....grant us victory over our enemies...
Oh Allah.....I know you've been generous with me and I beg you to just give me a little something more....please Ya RAB! Please.....just a little something more...I am your humble slave.....
Ameen. Ameen. Ameen. Ameen. Ameen. Ameen.
posted by Safa at 11:30 PM
15 Comments:
Safa I am crying as I sit here before Fajr, reading your beautiful, humble dua. Allah is so awesome. He's always on time in His answers to our prayers. Just when we think we can't go any further, He answers and usually with so much more than we asked for or thought we needed. And though sometimes we as humans can't see it, He knows what is best for us and always provides it. Alhamdulillah.
May Allah grant you ease. As you gather your children around you may He give you perfect peace and provide that perfect path that you so desire to follow.
love and big hugs,
Maggie
2:49 AM
Ameen Insha'Allah
6:30 AM
Oh Safa, I will definately pray for you to have this little something come true for you!
I promise!
8:07 AM
Salaam Safa
Hmm. I’d like to be the devil’s advocate since no one else seems to enjoy taking up the role :) I keenly read your last few posts and am quite interested to know if you ever considered that your husband (henceforth YH) might actually love MM? I mean, we all surely don’t like her much because we like you and she is a cause of pain for you, but what about YH? And if he does love her then by the same equation with which we love you and dislike MM, does he not love you (enough) since he knows how his relationship with her bothers you? I’m curious to know if you have thought about these issues.
I also don’t see any solid reason why you should seek divorce and I think you know it wouldn’t be in your best interest. I have absolutely no experience of polygyny (Alhamdulliah) but my mother is a product of polygyny and let me be brutally honest with you that whatever effects polygyny had to have on your children have already begun to take shape. Even after 50 years, my mother has an odd psychology which she attributes to her father’s dishonesty and selfishness. There are a hundred examples I can give you of how polygyny, cheating and heartbreak has affected my mum and her 3 siblings but this is not my rant space. The point I want to make is whether you decide to stay with YH or leave him, the damage to your children has been done. Women believe that by staying with their husbands they are saving their kids’ from psychological trauma but that is hardly the case when they practically live in a kicking and screaming household.
However, with YH you have financial security, a considerably impressive future complete with a Mercedes and a 4X4 vehicle, huge land, house that would require a guard dog (no, I have absolutely nothing against guard dogs :) ) and a luxurious lifestyle in Egypt. Can you afford all this without him, without higher education and while looking after 5 children? I suspect he unfortunately knows this too well.
Coming back to the initial question – does he love MM and wants to live with you only because you are his children’s mother – you need to ask yourself if you live with YH because you love him or do you live with him only because he is TCF? Since there is no other man you love, why leave the devil you know (even if you don’t love him) for the devil you don’t know and don’t even love?! At least he is TCF :)
The biggest bone I have to pick with YH is that he ridiculed you and called you kelba in the presence of those whom he should teach to respect you. Foul mouth is the proverbial last straw for me. And foul mouthing a spouse with whom you have 5 children and share a lifetime of memories is a pathetic turning point. No man is man enough to abuse a woman. Isn’t it funny that kelba is an unmarked gender – a derivate of the marked kelb and so a kelba would never be kelba if she were not associated with the marked gender?! That was just sad.
Had YH told you about his marriages, would you have liked having co-wives? Would you have not been bothered by the phone calls (not to forget the cute douche!)? I would only suggest that you stop searching the man you loved and married years ago in the face of TCF and learn to live again. I tell you from experience that love lost through bitter arguments can not be found again. Surely you can mend relations but you will need a lifetime to hide or ignore the cracks. Even if you decide to forgive him one day, chances are the memories will haunt you forever. You know exactly how he thinks about you even if he said all those mean things in anger. Sadly anger brings forth bitter truth. If he loved you and had nothing to say against you, he would have said nothing. Did you call him a dog in front of your mother to justify your anger towards him? And then women are emotional and irrational!
I guess you need to ask yourself if you would miraculously start loving YH again without MM? Will the damage be undone? If your response is in the negative, then does it matter whether you live with him or without him? Will leaving him make you happier, satisfied; will it give you the justice you seek? Every woman will tell you what you should do from her perspective. Like I said, for me the last straw is verbal or physical abuse and based on that I would say, move on, give up, kick him in his goods and tell him where he should belong but only you know what is more important for you – a secure future and finances or a slap in the face of YH for treating you like a rag doll. Inshallah in the end you will do what you think is best for you.
Did polygyny ruin your happiness? Yes.
Did it ruin your children’s life? Yes.
Did it bring forth the man you never knew existed? Yes.
Will you let it ruin your future? That is the question you need to ask yourself.
I have not forgotten – ameen to all your duas and my love to your children. May Allah have mercy on all women who suffer.
9:13 AM
ameen ya rub-al alimeen sister may Allah swt bless you it's nice to know congragulations please if you need any help let me know please don't be shy take care
wasalaam
3:56 PM
amin!
-sarah
5:10 PM
Asalamalaykom Safa,
I hear you, but Allah heard you first. Remember that Allah knows all this. Once we REALLY believe that Allah hears us, then we don't cry out so much for others.
I'm not sure what exactly you are wishing for. I will warn against "stockpiling" your desires. You have been so marginalized that you are hoping against hope for one thing, or one event. When we do that; putting all our unfulfilled hopes on one thing, we set ourselves up for a crash. Be careful with your mental health now. This is tricky stuff. Get your needs met. Please don't suppress and neglect your needs. And you can ask Allah to fulfill them, but you might not want to count on your hub fulfilling them. Watch your expectations and keep them in check.
Love to you.
4:52 AM
Wow Suroor! I have really missed you and your ability to cut through all the "feel good" stuff and get to the heart of the matter.Yes we all love Safa and so in a way we have all taken to disliking MM, although I have really tried not to pass judgment because we never know what is relaly going on in polygyny and all the people involved. It's far more complicated than we like to admit. I have, however, always tried to direct Safa towards focusing on how to accept and insha'Allah improve her own relationship with her husband outside the framework of thinking MM is to blame, and will continue to do so.
Safa, sweetie, you know I love you, don't you? Can I ask you to go read my latest blog post? I wrote it for both you and me ;-)))
Love you both, dear sisters.
Salaam Alaikum,
PM
7:08 AM
Suroor brought forth some very good points.
I don't necessarily think your children are 'ruined' because from what yuv told us, they have not been living in an abusive home.
Yes, polygamy is sure to affect them. But listen, poverty also affects children. Seeing nakedness in society and homosexuality also can make them numb to that. What I mean is that I think yuv done a good job, and I don't think INSH'ALLah tala that JUST cuz their father was away, they are marred for life.
Anyway, now on to what you should do. Perhaps you should cut off all expectations with him and just enjoy the 'financial' aspect of the life he can afford for you.
The problem w/ that is that while its surely convenient to say the least, it can also be very empty.
which is obviously why i believe you want out. But at some level, I feel like you don't want out, oBVIOUSLY, and would like to save your family.
However, I see suroor's point. Maybe he really loves this other woman and simply doesn't love you anymore :-/
8:57 AM
Salams Suroor,
Although I agree with all you said, Devil's Advocate was a very poor choice of words. Do you really think that is what you are doing here and do you believe that is a cute nickname for a believer? Everything else is on point ;)
Salams Safa,
I hope you are asking Allah for guidance regarding making the best choices for your girls. I am surprised that you think this is best for them. Perhaps you did not have a relationship with your bio-father,as I did not, and you do not fully understand the significance of the relationship. The pain and betrayal you feel are small compared to the life-long damage the girls can suffer with. They are being formed right now-all of this is in their development-it's in their blood and in their pores-it is MAKING them!
Of course, the pain will still exist if you don't stay with their father, however they may then understand that woman are not expected to martyr themselves to the whims and abuses of their husbands.
Perhaps your husband has realized that he is nothing more than a bank account and a sperm donor to his family in Egypt and he resents it.
You have proven yourself capable beyond those two things and from what I understand, a man can either be truly thankful to his lord for being provided with a blessing such as a wife like yourself or he can let his ego be dominant and be resentful for his seemingly insubstantial role.
I would really like to stop reading at this point as I hate to read about the exchanges between the father and the girls and no doubt there will be plenty more....but I keep hoping this will all turn itself around, inshallah.
I really don't understand some of the crud you are doing like-make better and run off to seek forgiveness from the brother? Huh? Is that some manipulation you are pulling? And "when you finally come home to us for good, you need to sit ur girls down and have a discussion about everything."...Come on Safa. What will that discussion look like? More rationalizing and excuses and bluuuuuuuuuuuh sickness. Pray hard Safa, these problems are bigger than all of us.
On judgment day, may your family be shaded by the tree that shades the ones who grew up in the deen, Amen.
Love and Salam,
~Brooke
12:22 PM
Amin sister, and may Allah swt grant you whatever is best for you in this dunya, your deen and the akhirah. May he protect you and your children from hardship.
Amin.
L
12:05 AM
Salamu alaykum,
You are doing the right thing by calling on your Lord and Sustainer as he has the power to change the hearts of men. May Allah bless your marriage with all that is good. Ameen.
2:04 PM
Folks, listen to Suroor!
I would agree that the word "ruin" is strong language, but the fact is that children's lives are very likely ruined when they are raised in an environment that falls in any way short of unconditional love.
It is not simply whether or not they have been directly abused (though in my book, sitting them down and denouncing the other parent is a form of abuse)but rather whether they have witnessed abuse, implicitly or explicitly. Implicit abuse is the way in which your husband has treated you as a wife and as a mother. Explicit abuse would be exemplified by the way in which he denigrates you in their presence.
In other words, your husband is abusive. And as Suroor has pointed out, given that he is not a saint, his polygamy is only the tip of the iceberg in terms of how he has abused your and your children.
I hope that you have managed to secure your baby's bc before he has left. Aside from that, I also think that Suroor has some very good advice. You do not need to be alone, and broke, either in Egypt or Canada. I would advise that you let him go emotionally and focus on educating yourself and your daughters.
6:43 PM
I enjoyed your post. I think it shows your real faith in Allah. I love that about you.
And Wow, Safa..there was some really harsh stuff here wasn't there? It was brutal but I see it's honesty.
Anyway, I guess those harsh comments do have some points. It has been really devastating for your girls. Ruined? No way. Scarred? Maybe. But maybe their lessons haven't been taught yet. I mean, the story isn't finished is it?
In the end, maybe they will learn something we don't suspect. Maybe they will see their mother dealt with things the best she could. If she stays and it works out..then they will learn sometimes you go through really bad things and in the end can work it out. If she leaves, maybe they will learn that a woman can be strong and independent. She doesn't have to put up with injustice.
Or maybe they can learn something inbetween. That a woman can put up with a lot of shit to keep her family together. She can stand up for herself, point out the injustice and demand respect. And in the end, she can forgive and move on. Regardless of how this story ends at some point, you can show them forgiveness.And teach them how to forgive too.
Anyway, love you!
8:33 PM
Sobia says: you can show them forgiveness.And teach them how to forgive too...
Mmmhmm, yep, mmhmm.
We should all pray to remove the rancor from our hearts.
~Ummbadier
1:08 PM
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