How many?
How many lives have been affected by my husbands choice to practice polygyny? How many people has he hurt? Let down? Deceived? Lied to?
and then......
Compare that to how many people he has made happy.......anyone? Besides him, i mean? (if he is happy, that is....)
I'm overwhelmed. And feel burdened by these thoughts.......
posted by Safa at 11:29 AM
8 Comments:
i suspect that you this number is known to you. As I said once, a man that decides he should be able to practice polygyny is a man who is willing to make a conscious decision to shortchange the people in his life. It is pure selfishness and I suspect that you, your children and MM would all agree that your husband has brought great pain and stress into you lives.
Try to focus on that which you can control.
Salaam Alaikum,
PM
1:47 PM
Hello, Safa.
My name is Krissy Poopyhands and I've been spending the better part of a week and a half or two weeks reading your whole blog from beginning to end.
I am living in Chicago and am not Muslim, (probaby obvious from my greeting), best to slot me into 'undecided' when it comes to religion. I have very much enjoyed reading what you've written and admire your faith and inteligent questioning and devotion very much.
At first I admit I was fascinted by the aspects of Muslim life you discussed in your blog. I know nothing about it and it was very interesting to read. After at time, however, I began not to see this as the blog of a Muslim woman who is having marriage difficulty, but the blog of a woman having marriage difficulty who happens to follow Islam. I wanted to send you an email, but could not find an email address attached to your blog.
What I wanted to say is first, that I sympathise. I can't imagine how hard all of this is, but from just your posts I know it's excruciating. Like losing a limb or an internal organ. I'm so sorry.
I also want to say that when I was studying Shakespeare I learned that all of his characters go mad do so because nobody hears them. They are either hiding a terrible secret, or they are talking and talking but no one is listening.
I think that the deepest injury that I see to your heart is that this person, whether or not he agrees with you, is responsible for hearing you and marking what you say. He has isolated you in his mind and is filling in your responses and opinions without your presence. To him you are a ghost. You are talking and saying things and he is not truly hearing you. He is lost in his own responses and needs and doesn't even hear you properly to even argue with you properly. That is painfully cruel and demeaning.
Your every encounter with him, wheather amicable or adversarial, appears to take place in his head entirely differently than it does in real life.
You are someone who is not heard. Whatever role P plays in your life, yes or no, it's the not hearing you that is so painful. If he had arguments for his marriage that made sense, or were defensible, or responded to your worries, you may never agree, but at least you'd have somewhere to begin. His responses are like jellyfish pieces, they squish away while you try to grab them.
Both luckily and unluckily you have the blog. Luckily because you are not alone, and we hear you and hear your pain and struggle. The world hears you cry and you are not alone. Unluckily, because while we hear you we can provide the support and understanding you need. It becomes easier to pretend that you don't need to be heard by your husband; that you can be satisfied with friends understanding you and your husband merely being physically present.
More and more it seems to me that he's become a stranger. The only way back to you has to come from him and over and over again I see him doing just enough to keep you satisfied with the current situation.
Wanting to keep your family together is admirable. Wanting not to be alone is understandable. These are good and understandable things.
Letting yourself be ignored and undermined in the relationship that is supposed to make you strongest is not good or admirable.
I notice no decisive change in your husband since his return.
If he were willing to stay in Egypt with you and forgo all his Canada contacts I'd say that you might be able to fall in love again, but you can't make a ghost fall in love with you.
I have come to care about you through your writing. I hope the way becomes clear. I admire your strength and your fortitude and just wanted to step in and say that all the caring and hope from my corner of the world, and all your readers combined, cannot replace what your husband is not giving you, long-term; his ear, his head, and his regard.
With much affection from half a world away,
KP
2:36 PM
Salaams, Safa.
This is exactly what I thought with your bringing down the house post! Although it's hard to do, put yourself in his shoes and just try in some way to understand just how he feels. Absolutely rotten - he's just in utter denial.
Without getting too personal, I've witnessed something similar first hand and almost 20 years down the line the man that 'chose' to destroy so many lives via 'p' is wallowing in a pain you can't imagine! Everyone has suffered to the ultimate extreme and it is just a shame because it's now affecting grandchildren that didn't even exist at the time of this wacked decision. If your hub continues this way, it won't just stop with you and your immediate family. It will continue on. :sigh:
I will still pray for you all.
L_Oman
9:16 PM
You know what I was thinking about that the other day too. I have come to the conclusion he has affected more lives than you or him even realize. Look at your blog stats. All of these people from all over the world take time out of thier days to come and see how you are doing. It has affected us all differently but it has affected us all. For me his polygyny ventures brought us together and even though it was through tough times that we were brought together, the point is that we were brought together. You are my best friend and I have never even hugged you in real life. I am sad when you are sad, I am happy when you are happy and so on....I miss you when you are gone. You were my only contact to the outside world for SOOOOO long, do you remember? The only adult conversations I had were with you for a long time. I can not imagine what things would have been like without you. I would have drank too much crazy I presume. So I want to thank you for being my friend and even though we are friends because of something painful that happened we are still friends and I am grateful, Alhumdullilah.
6:20 AM
Safa,
I also have read your blog from beginning to end. I have also been following your story as well as many blogs on your blogroll. I began following these stories because I am an american woman (from an extremely conservative background) dating for the last 6 months a muslim man. In any relationship that has major cultural differences, it is wise to begin to look into and question what happens in the relationship. I started reading because as the relationship grew more serious, I had this overwhelming need to question what are issues of culture, what are issues of religion, and what are issues of personality? And are the issues of culture and religion one and the same? I needed some answers so I turned to you and other people on your blogroll for a glimpse into what my life might be like if this relationship continues on the course it is on.
What I have concluded is that no matter what the culture/religion/personality, this kind of pain is universal, even though it manifests itself in different ways. People can stereotype all they want but the problems in relationships happen cross culturally.
That being said, I want to thank you for the way you write your thoughts. I want to thank you for giving me a small glimpse into your life and into your personal pain. How he has affected you does go way beyond you and your children and family. Maybe it helps others. Maybe it makes us think twice. Maybe it tells a story that needs to be told. And I want to thank you for having the courage to do that!
9:09 AM
safa i'm just sad and angry with u. i dont know what to do.
9:32 AM
anonymous made me laugh
10:27 AM
Masha Allah,
I think i've said this before, but i want to say it again, I really admire your strength.
9:37 PM
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