Running towards the unseen......
Today is Jummah. Since we are in the sick house, hubby went to pray alone. He came back and was excited about the khutbah and started explaining it to me, the 12 and 14 yr olds. It was about running towards the unseen. Or towards illusions.....
Where you think that having more money will make you a better person.....
Where you think that being better dressed will get you more respect.....
Where you think that having a classy car will make you important....
It's all illusions. And if our foundation and intention isn't towards our religion, there just isn't any barakah in it.
Good so far? Well, it was good for the three of us, as hubby sat there explaining. And then he went too far. He decided to give us an example.....
"didn't Allah say in the Quran that a man can marry 4 wives? Well, is a christian better or a muslim?"
Silence. Both girls look at me.
"If I had two women in front of me, one of them a christian woman and the other one a muslim woman, but she doesn't wear hijab...which is better?"
The muslim the girls say stiffly. I can see their minds whirring.....they are thinking....he married a christian....he married the non hijab muslim.....(he got her to put hijab tho) He went on.
Then the 14 yr old stood up and said excuse me and left. I saw tears in her eyes. It made me cry....I laid back my head and closed my eyes while he continued talking. The 12 yr old held my hand and started stroking it. She was upset, but didn't know how to walk out like her sister. So she started asking silly questions...
What's the sheikhs name?
Where did you pray?
Etc. etc. He finished talking and then my daughter finally got up and left the room. I opened my eyes. And then I said.....Don't you know that when you were talking about the khutbah you had us all interested? But the minute you described polygyny, you hurt both the girls?? This is a very sensitive issue that just can't be approached anymore. Did you not see the reactions of the girls??
Then I told him.....you want to know something?? Didn't you talk to ur girls about wearing more islamic clothes?? What do you think their reaction is? They said....If a good man like our father can marry a christian and a woman without hijab....then there's hope for any woman to find a good husband. It's not about the dress. Oh yes, I told him. He argued with me about MM not wearing hijab. He said...when I married her, I got her to wear hijab. I said right back at him....but obviously you liked her before she had the hijab on. If you could marry a christian woman, this isn't a far reach. It was arguing without the passion. It was discussing with flavour you could say.
It upset him when I told him this. And I said to him....when you finally come home to us for good, you need to sit ur girls down and have a discussion about everything.
~~~~~
Sometimes I feel like I can see the man that I knew.....and sometimes I feel like I'm only seeing what I want to see. Is it possible to lose yourself so completely??
~~~
Something is going on with MM.....she's texting / calling.....and he's calling her too. One message is still on the phone.....it says...
"Abdou habibi, please call me it's urgent."
She calls him Abdou? U gotta be kidding!
posted by Safa at 10:41 AM
20 Comments:
assalamu aleikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuhu,
Dear safa, I haven't commented in a long time, because I have said enough and basically, my opinions haven't changed. But this struck a cord with me...
"It was about running towards the unseen. Or towards illusions....."
Safa, you are guilty of that too. The man you have in your mind is just an illusion.
I think I've said this before, but you have got to either accept him for who he is NOW, a polygamist or leave him. Changing him does not seem to be an option.
I'm sorry I am so candid. I do wish the best for you. I do.
11:57 AM
Dear sister safa,
I don't know what is going on with your hubby and his second wife. You really need to put the foot down, gether all his family memebers, and make him divorce in front of them. You can not do this. You need to do something. What is he trying to say that by having second wife, he is into his religion, bullshit. Islam says that take care of your family first. Be fair, be just. He is not changed. You are seeing what you want to see.
12:06 PM
What does abdou mean?
12:56 PM
yur obviously majorly optimistic and a majorly laid back kinda gal. cuz some of the things u had to go through, i woulda thrown in the towel long ago.
but yur so relaxed. may Allah make u more and more relaxed!
cuz yur patience might just get yur hubby's head together.
i hope yur making dua too with all of this.
2:56 PM
Anon: Ya, I a majorly optimistic and majorly laid back....I'm hoping he gets his head together as well.
Musulmana: Am I running towards the unseen? Hmmmmm...I'm going to discuss this with him today.....
UAR....abdou?? LOLOL!! Well, it means slave.....but it's something you may call all slaves of Allah.....a nickname....even for your own son.....Abdurrahman....you could just call him Abdu....she spells it the french way....
1:49 AM
It's interesting to see that you teach them to feel superior to other people. Obviously, muslims are better people than anyone else?? Well, That's also a big ILLUSION
Now I understand why you would only pray for the "muslimeen" to have good health (in your previous post).
1:54 AM
Thanks Nuri.....and I suppose this is what is called..."rocking the boat?"
Good job!
2:07 AM
what i could do is making dou3a for u.
5:10 AM
OMG...ok now I see the shock factor...what a freak!
8:38 AM
What's he playing at? Is he trying to justify the marriage to the girls? Perhaps put dear old dad in a better light? Save face? The word "dufus" came to mind as I read that one.
10:34 AM
salaams: i agree with musulmama's basic point. your husband wants to be married to more than one woman. and since he has 'done' it already he's not going to lose the taste for it...The main point will be for him to be absolute JUST---equal time spent with his wives, and 'managing' any interference by another wife. maybe he knows that now, and can agree to that. Then it would be up to you to stay with his new and improved behavior. You'd have to let go of what he's done in the past, and forgive him, and help him to be better. Borrowing from the adage: "what you see is what you have." He may stay married to you exclusively for a while, but me thinks he will eventually take on another. IF you decide to stay with him knowing this, and demanding, somehow making sure he keeps up his end of the bargain without making it harder for him in order to make him fail (then the sin would be on you), then i say this is still very salvageable. You all have been given FIVE children together and divorce is the most hated. You had to make a stance to get him to understand that he was most wrong in his handling of polygyny before---his immaturity in it. I personally don't hate polygyny, but i do hate the cultural baggage that mostly arab men have vis a vis their culture that blames women for standing up for their rights. i think this is the crux of the problem. On the other hand, i think most women also have to let go of some of their personal and cultural 'stuff' if they are to be married to polygynous men. It has to be in the open. Otherwise, he will sneak and you will never be able to trust him, and your marriage will have a very palatable film of miserableness that will further taint your children's view of this most valuable institution. Polygyny, per se, is not the problem.
11:34 AM
excuse you Nuri - all muslim constitute one family. I'm sure you'd pray for the health and well being of your family before extending it to anyone else!!
And no - not all muslims are better than anyone else. There are many muslims who are misguided and do not practice the religion properly.
Is Islam a better way of life?? Go and find out - like so many others, you might actually like what you discover.
All the best in your endeavours.
11:46 AM
I have no idea what you mean with your answer, sorry.
2:37 PM
From what yur telling us, it seems like this guy is saying to himself, alright alright, my familiy is getting all heavy and crazy on me so leme give in now and i'll just find a way to keep the second wife.
The thing is though you can't ask for the second wife to get divorced. Which I don't think u are. Yur just saying to divorce you since you don't wana put up w/ polygamy. So HE is saying ok well i'll get rid of her.
But I don't think its gona be that easy. Here's a man who has basically gotten a girlfriend on the side, who doesn't have her kids living w/ her. etc etc.
Maybe being w/ her is easy cuz she's not religious or maybe as pure etc etc. Versus bieng w/ a family of 5 is not that easy if a man isn't used to it. He's not USED to being around his kids or raising them.
He's getting them raised by you just fine. And then he can walk in and blame any problems they may have on you. how convenient eh :-)
I support you trying to the ABSOLUTE FULLEST so you can have absolutely NO regrets IF you do move on.
Judging from your optimism and vitality, you may Allah knows best be more alive without having hte burden of this man coupled w/ your expectations from him always weighing on you.
Yes there's loneliness but um it isn't exactly like he was a companion. You HAVE been by yourself as opposed to being part of a couple.
7:58 PM
I don't know what to say.
8:46 PM
Salaam Alaikum Safa,
I have to agree with Musalmana in that I believe you are not realistic with regard to your husband. I have tried to say in so many ways to accept this part of him (polygyny, not being around for his family, etc.) or divorce. I have found in my experience that trying to force a man to do something that is not really in his heart is useless. I believe that's what you and his family did by getting him to take you back with promises of divorcing MM. He emphatically stated reasons as to why he feels he is entitled to practice polygyny and no matter how much you and his family may not like it, there is a possibility that this will come up again.
Furthermore, I doubt forcing him to divorce MM if he wants to remain married to you will bode well for you, Safa. I must remind you that a Believing woman should never ask her husband to divorce another wife. I have never asked my husband to divorce his other wife or made it a condition of our staying together. I don't believe she has ever done that either. In fact, I know for a fact that my husband's other wife has made sure that his children accepted his decision to enter polygyny. I am certain this played a big role in his not divorcing me under threat of losing his children and I feel they will all be rewarded on the Day of Judgment.
You may not like MM -- and I can't blame you -- but she IS his wife and is a Muslim. As such, she deserves half of his time and reasonable financial support. To send her messages telling her she is upsetting his children with her calls and messages, in my opinion, is not right (as I stated before). Frankly, all Muslim childern should at least be prepared for the possibility of polygyny if they live in a society where it is practiced. It is natural that they have concerns and hurt feelings but over a period of time, one would hope that they come to realize that having another wife doesn't mean they are loved any less.
I haven't wanted to comment because while everyone is cheering you on, I was not sure you would appreciate a dissenting voice. I can't help but see how much you have changed over these past few years and I have also seen your bitterness about -- perhaps even hatred of -- MM grow. Safa, your problems really lie with this husband you are determined to be with, in terms of the man he has become. If you can come to terms with that then I think you will find true happiness and insha'Allah greater trust in God.
Love you,
PM
2:49 AM
I on the other hand do think SAfa was justified in telling the other wife to back off while he is with his kids.
He has not given the kids and Safa half the time they deserve and even when he is with them, for her to keep calling is a little annoying to say the LEAST.
On the other hand, I am starting to think this guy is just not the right man anymore. He has other priorities in life and they don't seem to lie w/ his kids.
He just doesnt seem like a family(i.e. kid's) man anymore. Allah knows best.
Its as if yes he wasnt able to stand up to his family and all, so at the end of it all, he just gives in but at the end of the day its all about 'why i have a right to be married to a muslim lady'. um yeh. How INSENSITIVE to his girls. Any blind idiot(sorry) Safa would know better.
I don't think the girls feel loved, not only because of the polygamy issue, but mainly because he SIMPLY HAS NOT BEEN A FATHER TO THEM. And that breaks my heart.
Allah will grant each person their reward on the day of judgement Safa. Those people who weren't fair will come w/ their half body messed up.
12:39 PM
Dearest Safa,
I don't know if your intention was ever to really leave him or to just get him to leave MM. But, I do think that the fact he is willing to divorce one wife on the whim of another should tell you something else about him. Just like he was willing to do whatever he wanted to do with her on her whims. I don't believe your hubby is all bad, but I don't believe this "sudden change of heart" either. I feel like it is only a matter of time before you are begging him to come back again. I hope Insh'Allah that I am wrong for your sake and the children's...they are the most innocent in the whole affair. May Allah grant them sabr as well.
7:41 PM
Pm she didn't ask her husband divorce her, she said she set as her terms no polygyny. There is a difference, slughtly but there is one.
Aishah (ra) didn't care for one of the prophet (saaws) wives, she didn't outright say divorce her she went to the new wife and told her to tell the prophet (saws) when he enters upon her, "authu bill minka" and the prophet promptly divorced her. Aishah's actions may not have been nice, but they were permissible. It's the same with Safa, she set her terms to not be in polygyny. Her husband has the option to accept it and divorce one of his wives, which could even be safa.
And I think MM is a huge part of the problem for Safa. She is not a good Muslima and she doesn't respect her husband's family. That upsets Safa and it should.
6:02 AM
anon 6.02...
Please for my reference, what does 'authu bill minka' mean, which wife was it and if possible give a reference. Jazakillah
3:33 PM
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