Hold firm..........

As a child, I loved canoeing. We used to go up to my aunts house, just outside of Orillia, Ontario. A good hour's drive. She had three children, my cousins, all quite older than me. Two boys and a girl. The girl was about 7 yrs older than me. So really, when I went there, as much as I tried to hang out with my cousin....I was really just a little kid, u know? But I loved going there. They had a beautiful house on a lakefront property and had a wood stove. Every winter when we went to visit them, you could smell burning wood.......it was glorious.

My aunt was a great cook too. She could whip up a superb dinner of roast beef, mashed potatoes, peas or corn, faster than anyone I know. She always made her special cheesecake for me when we came. Their house had this homey feel, that I learned to love as much as my own.

In the summer, I got to swim in the lake all day. Between swimming, I'd walk over to the marshy part of the lake, and search for frogs. I was a great frog catcher. I used to show them to my boy cousins, thinking they'd be impressed. But at 20 + 22, they couldn't care less.

But my absolutely favourite thing of all to do there was to take out the canoe. My uncle didn't mind if I did, because I was an excellent swimmer. But he made me promise to wear the life jacket every time. When I was 11 yrs old, we used to go there and spend a week in the summer time. I used to wake up daily at 6 am, grab a quick snack, make a sandwich, and head out back to the canoe. Get on my life jacket and start to explore.

I was excellent at canoeing. The lake was fairly calm, and I soon memorized the entire lake.....well most of it. I usually went the same way my cousins would take me. I remember there being this tiny, tiny island that I liked to go to......no bigger than about a master bedroom.....but it was a great docking area and swimming hole. I used to like to go there and just sit down for awhile. Many times I'd just paddle out to the middle of the lake and just glide along.....feeling at one with nature, with my sense of spirituality and wish that I could do this every day and feel this in touch with my inner self.

So today in the car, as I was driving home from visiting a friend.....I was thinking about those canoe trips. About how it really wasn't about being in the canoe....it was about having a paddle as well. You see where I am going? It's just, what good is that canoe without a paddle? That paddle is everything....its our direction. So I said to myself, that Islam is the canoe.....and that Allah gives us this canoe as a gift.....what we do with it, is up to us. Allah gives us the will to decide as well...that's our paddle. Masha Allah!

I was thinking about how many ppl, or how many times we find ourselves just floating, gliding along in our canoes, not holding our paddle firmly.....neither coming or going.......have you been there?

I was thinking about how sometimes your canoe can be shared.....as in a marriage.......where you have the person stearing in the front of the canoe, and then in the back, you have the strength, pushing you along. Being in a two person canoe is all about working together.....both of you playing an equally important role in getting where you are going. I was thinking about HA, and I truly believe that she was both the strength and the steerer. I can see that in her......from her writings.......from her inside views that she's been sharing. When you are the strength and the steerer, u are bound to get tired. No matter how strong a start you make.....you end up floating halfway down the path. May Allah make her strong, ameen and Give her the strenght to man her one person canoe for a time. Ameen!

So here's where I came to base with myself.....about my own canoe. My own two person canoe.....I think hubby and I are just floating. I used to steer, and he was the strength. He doesn't possess that strength anymore.....and either I refuse to steer or I've just given up. I am not willing to take over his position, and neither am I willing to continue my own. This is honesty. I mean, this is what I feel is deep down inside of me. Maybe on the outside, I'm making the appearance of doing it all......but it's been a long process, and my destination is no clearer than it was before.

Sigh. I'm floating.

And you know what? I don't like floating too much. I'll get tired of it. If I'm not already.......
How many muslims are floating right now? The young muslim guy that you see often, but know he's sneaking out at night to meet his girlfriend? The muslim girl who you heard has been smoking and hiding it? The older Muslim man who flirts with all the women? The older muslim woman who drinks cough syrup to stop her cough? (downing 3 bottles a day?) How many?

I think before we can start thinking of how to help others, we have to stop and think how we are going to help ourselves. What is it about you and your life, that makes you want to float? Let's all take our paddles in our hands and look for that oneness with ourselves.....remember in awe just what Allah is capable of.....and then sum it all up with alhamdulillah, subhanAllah and masha Allah!

Thing is, I'm not ready for my position yet. I am floating for a time, and I have to take peace in that. Insha Allah, I'll find that peace. And then I pray to Allah to make hubby and I row that canoe so fast outta here that we'll just be a blur.....I'll get calluses on my hands and be crying and begging to stop, but we'll keep paddling as if the Shaytan is on our tails. We'll paddle straight and hard, looking for Jennah, knowing that it's somewhere near, all the time asking Allah for his promise of ease......OH ALLAH! Give us ur promise!! AMEEN!

And I came to a conclusion while thinking all of this......it's that our canoes don't hold three people. Nope. They don't. Our canoes are made for two. If hubby wants to get another canoe, he can, but he'll have to take turns paddling here and there. Oh yes, sure....he'll make his destination, but it takes more effort and a lot longer.....and you know what that means for us women? Well, that we have to have PATIENCE. And sometimes we will have to chose whether to paddle or float. I can't see any wrong there.....of course the stronger of us will chose to paddle.......but it's okay......hubby has to realize that his presence DEFINATELY makes a difference. It really does.

So I close my eyes now.....and picture myself on that lake....older, wiser.......and thank ALLAH for that life jacket.......and see myself sitting in my canoe. I can see the island in the distance, smell the trees, the grass, the lake.........feel that oneness with myself, my sense of spirituality....yes......I can see it all clearly. The lake has changed tho.....yes. I will have to paddle harder this time, the lake isn't as calm as it used to be. And maybe now, that I am older, I'll be able to make it thru........on my search, my quest. The ultimate quest.......for my deen, for jennah. I promise myself to steer....yes, I will do my part.......for now. For a time. And I will tire........but I may just make it....find my destination and dock for a time......ohhhhhhh.....to just dock for a time.

My eyes still closed.......I feel the paddle in my hand.....heavy and ackward....but smooth from being worn. It's comfortable and has the shape of my grip in it......I have a good grip. Yes, I have a good paddle.....it will serve me true........maybe with my sense of purpose, and my strength, I will be able to lead others along my path. But be quick! Keep me in sight....for water is tricky and it leaves no trail. You may think we are on the same path.....but the will of the water will show true.

Opening my eyes now......I can still see it all. I blink and still the lake doesn't disappear......Ahhhhhh.......I think I've found a way. Just give me some time friends.....give me some room......and don't be harsh.....it's my canoe and I have to paddle it......I know what I am working with. And you know what else? Now my eyes are open......that's a blessing......I can see......and I'll have to paddle hard. I want you all to agree to be the wind, okay? You are the wind on my back, blowing a gentle breeze helping me along to get to my destination.....oh, don't forget who's steering......just agree to be the wind.

"Oh Allah, calm the waters of my life, and make me firm and true"
"Oh Allah, guide me among the waves, so that I go over them without falling with a bump...."
"Oh Allah, give me your promise of ease after suffering"
"Oh Allah, let the winds be behind my back and push me thru"
"Oh Allah, clean my soul as a white cloth, and let me be pure"
"Oh Allah, let me have power over my nafs and submit to You"
"Oh Allah, guide all those floating muslims and let them find their paddles"
"Oh Allah, grant us victory over our own struggles"
"Oh Allah, if something is good for me, keep it close, but if it is bad for me, push it away"
"Oh Allah, forgive all the muslims, and grant them from your mercy"

Ameen. Ameen. Ameen.