We are a people of moderation.....

So much has been going on around my house. It seems that the day to day troubles seem to have taken a toll on me to the point where my nerves are raw. I have times in the day, when I just want to scream and shout, and others when I just want to sit quietly and think. The range of emotions that go on inside my body daily are extreme. There is no medium about it. I seem to feel things in excess. Maybe it's the stress, maybe it's the pressure, maybe even it's the pregnancy. Honestly? Its a really damn good combination of all three.

I think what has me so upside down is my inability to control anything. Isn't that amazing? Have I forgotten that Allah is the one in control, and I am merely a pawn in this game? Yes, I suppose I have. I've also come to the realization that my choices also fall within extremes. Either I sit quietly and wait for the king to come home, praying that he doesn't bring any prizes with him. Or I up and leave on my own, going about on my own path. Aren't they both extremes? If you agree that they are.....do u see a middle ground? Funny that both extremes require action on MY part.....both of them under the condition that my husband does nothing. I don't find that fair. But hey? What is fair? It is not something that has been set aside for myself.....subhanAllah. At least not at this moment in time......insha Allah.....soon.

I sort of had this breakdown today. My 14 yr old said some words that upset me....I smacked her on the arm for it.....sent her to her room. And then, strangely, fell apart. I went to my room, trying to find some control, but couldn't. The tears just fell, fell, fell. Shortly, Hubby came home, and I told him what happened, and what she said. His reaction? Ur daughter made a mistake, punish her, but why is it upsetting u so much? I tried to explain that I found her words disrespectful, and that I seem to be dealing with too much disrespect lately. Instead of finding him consoling and understanding of how the words hurt, I found him sitting across from me, confused and not really knowing how to react. He said I was taking it too hard, that I have to raise my children, even if I feel overwhelmed. And there I was, instead of saying...ur right honey....I got upset and said...."I just feel like I want to get away from here, take a vacation from all of u!" In a way, I meant it. I've been asking him for 2 yrs to take me away for awhile. That I need a break from the kids. 6 yrs of taking care of them night and day, I could really use some one on one time, u know? It would be healthy. Ahhh well. His reaction wasn't so encouraging....he stood up and yelled at me..."If you want to go, JUST GO!" Stomped out of the room and yelled....JUST GO! Jeez.

So I was reading this great stuff that a dear sister sent me....thanks HA.....and I think we fit this bill EXACTLY.

"Sometimes people we love do things we don't like or approve of. We react. Before long, we're all reacting to each other, and the problem escalates.

When do we detach? When we're hooked into a reaction of anger, fear, guilt, or shame. When we get hooked into a power play--an attempt to control or force others to do something they don't want to do. When the way we're reacting isn't helping the other person or solving the problem. When the way we're reacting is hurting us.

Often, it's time to detach when detachment appears to be the least likely, or possible thing to do.

The first step toward detachment is understanding that reacting and controlling don't help. the next step is getting peaceful--getting centered and restoring our balance. "

Anyways.....I had my little cry....hubby went and yelled at my daughter......and the house was pretty still for a good hour. The quiet was a blessing. He cooled down super quick, and even tho everyone was studying in their own corners of the apt....the mood changed as hubby went around giving everyone a snack of guava.

~~~~

So back to the extremes....I'm troubled by it. I remember that Allah said in the Qur'an....Ahna ummatan wasitaa.....meaning we are a people of moderation. Have you ever thougth about that at any length? I'm sure you all must have at one time or another. I think I've lost touch with my element of moderation. I'm going to think about that today. I'm going to think about ME and the person that I am. Or what I'm slowly changing into....I pray it's not a fly! LOL! Ahhhh.....even when I'm treading water, it seems my humour is intact.

Now yesterday, I woke up at 4 am after a series of bad dreams...subhanAllah! And watched the An-Nass islamic channel. I love that channel. It had my favourite Sheikh on...Mohammed Hussein Yaqoub. If any of you understand arabic or are native speakers....you'll love this sheikhs way of talking. The only sheikh I've ever listened to like him, that has this way of keeping the audience captivated....was Siraj Wahhaj. I mean, I used to attend conferences with him 10 - 15 yrs ago.....but I still remember many of the things he said.

I got over my little crying spell of this afternoon, it didn't take long. It proves to me how vulnerable I am. And also makes me think that I need to get out. I've been throwing around the thought of going to Al Azhar and discussing my present situation.......I wonder what a scholar would say? What do you think?