oh jeez......
I called the canadian ex.....she told me that there's nothing between hubby and her, and that they are just friends. He calls her and tells her his problems and she advises him. SubhanAllah. He has a friend. His most trusted secrets that he should be talking to a wife about, he shares with his ex. Wonderful. She told me that hubby doesn't love MM but he's only trying to help her. She told me that MM isn't a good woman. She told me that hubby loves me dearly and not to give up on him. She said if I give up, then MM wins. Considering that MM came into a marriage where she was wife # 3, it's quite a score for her, don't u think?
What the hell is going on with this guy? I can't say I feel sorry for him, I'm just flabbergasted. Shocked. Numb.
~~~~
So I called him and told him to come home early cuz I wanted to talk. He came home at about 2 am. Early, sheesh. He sat in the room and I started by apologizing for flipping out. I can't say my heart was in it, but I wanted to throw him off guard. He was acting sort of strange......like he was just sitting there, not saying a word, not talking, just judging. It was weird. I think I know why....but I'll get to it. I asked him about his relationship with Crystal. And mentioned the phone call before he left Canada. He said she's not his wife. I asked him if there is anything that he's omitting. He just repeated himself. I then told him that I am frustrated and not dealing well and I need solutions, does he have any? Yes. If I want to remain in this marriage, then I am to stay in Egypt and wait for him. No talk of love, of needing me, anything. He said he's fed up with me. He said that I can be replaced....to which I told him that I have been replaced twice before.....and the kids can be replaced. That hurt.....and I don't know if it's his anger talking or what....but it's not right. He told me that I can do whatever I want, go to Canada, stay here....it doesn't matter.
I told him that I can't talk to him like that and that we should either sit down with a sheikh or with his downstairs brother. He refused. Saying that it doesn't matter who talks to him, he knows what he's doing. Masha Allah!
He went to the tv room and started watching TV, I composed myself and followed. Saying nothing....the 3 yr old was awake. She sat with me and ran her hands thru my hair, and kissed my cheek and told me that she loves me. I hugged her with the warmth of my love for her. After a small amount of time, he went to our bed. After a small bit more, I took the 3 yr old and followed. I woke up in the night and he wasn't in bed, but on the couch....2nd night.
Why was he so difficult in his talking? Well, I checked his cellphone. Nothing of interest in the first log, checked the other one, and found he called MM twice and the Canadian Ex once. Hmmmm. He called her just 1 1/2 hours after I talked to her. Before he called her, he received a call from Canada. I'm thinking that she sent him a message to call and that she told him that I called. I tried calling her at 3 am to see what the hell that is all about......but no one answered. Who knows? Maybe he's calling her for something else, and my bringing her up is just pure coincedence. Although I really don't believe in that anymore. But I will call her again today and call her on it. Don't advise me not to, I'm going to anways.
~~~~
What's going on with my relationship? What's my next step? It's heading out the door. I may call the sheikh today. Maybe I'll talk to his brother. But if we are worth nothing to him anymore and can be replaced.......why should I wait around for it to happen? I think I'm going back to Canada....maybe just after he leaves. I'm not going to tell him. Won't give him time to think about it. He didn't talk about love and needing us, he talked about the opposite. We can be replaced. 16 yrs of marriage, and that's what I get. At least I tried........
~~~~
From here on in, no fighting, or talking possibly. He's sleeping on the couch, and has denied me and my children. I will just let the rest of the visit unfold itself and see what I'm doing when he leaves. I wonder if something will change....but I doubt it.
posted by Safa at 12:01 AM
21 Comments:
Asalamalaykom Safa,
I really don't like that she called him and he returned the call. That is like "getting the story straight". Why did she do that? Allahu Alim. It just doesn't seem right that she felt free to do that.
And it is very, very wrong what he said about replacing the children. That is the worst thing he's ever said. Yes, you have been replaced...sadly...but children?! Never! If he thinks that they are attached to you, and if you two are done, then they are too?! Oh, it's time for you...over-due time for you to have an advocate on your side.
May Allah be the continuing source of your strength.
Play surah al-baqarrah today in the flat. That gets out any jinn...and there maybe some at work on him. Subhanallah, the man is not right, sis.
12:33 AM
assalam alaikum, dear sister, why do you want him to come back to live in egypt full time?? you are much better of without him. he has such an ugly personality, subhan Allah. let him go to canada, be a respected married woman, have enough mone for you and your children and have more than most woman. mashaa Allah, you do a great job raising this girls by yourself, probably better, than if he would be with you. he doesn't respect you, appreciate you at all. subhan Allah. try to enjoy his visits, and than let him go and enjoy your life with your girls.
1:45 AM
Reading about your husband just makes me think that his heart died a long time ago. He's like an empty shell of a man. Empty, bitter, loveless... and entirely BLIND.
He doesn't know what he's throwing away by turning from you and meeting with lesser women. But hey, if he wants to wallow in the filthy hell he's created for himself, who says you and the girls should follow?
2:31 AM
Dear Safa, i'm sorry...i wish i could say something useful...take care, i will make du'a for you.
4:54 AM
Salaam alaikum sweetie,
This sounds so much like my STBEH. He shuts down completely when he can't control the situation, especially when it has to do with not being able to control his wife (which he thinks is his God-given right). He thinks that making this kind of ultimatum will get the results he wants -- in other words, give him back that feeling of control. It always worked with my STBEH until this last time, when I was steadfast in my decision to walk away and actually began enjoying a life on my own without all the conflict. Of course now he is wanting me back and is willing to listen to me and learn what it is that I need and want in order to get me back. IS it too little, too late?
Look, I know this is a long comment about me but what I am trying to say is that it is probably his anger speaking and his sense of "manliness" but that doesn't make it right or mean that you should accept it. It might be time for you to start thinking about how life would be if you were not married to him. He would still have to support you and the kids in a decent manner since he can afford it. The question to ask yourself is: Have your limits been breeched or is he still worth all of this?
If you consider that honestly then you will know what to do.
Love you,
PM
5:13 AM
I think you need to get a lawyer lined up in Canada asap.
"You can be replaced" Something else is up; he is trying to beat you down into something no woman is really capable of being without loosing her humanity. He has tasted tyrany and it is a drug he isn't going to give up easily.
In the meantime, you have 5 children to think about...which includes insuring their support and future livlihood. The Canadian courts are the only place you are likely to see that. And if he leaves Canada and comes back to Egypt, he could always cut you loose by taking your childen, even the baby if it is a boy....
You should think very hard. This is NOT a man you can trust, and I would also venture to say, not a man you even know anymore. He's only there to scope "something" out.
Be very careful. Do you have a mother in Canada who can check out lawyers for you????
Prayers for you and your kids...
7:25 AM
salam Sis. Subhanallah! How cold can one get. It must have hurt to hear this from a man who is the father of your kids and your hubby for all those years. You can be replaced?! My heart aches for you sis, I would never want to hear this from someone who has already treated me like @#$%. What is his problem?
I also question his reasoning in calling his ex wife. I don't care if they are friends. Its not right islamically nor is it fair for him to discuss your business with his ex. He looks at MM and he sees issues he has to deal with. He looks at you and you are standing up for your kids and yourself, demading that he does right by you all. So what does he do, he turns to his ex with whom he's got no drama going on with to 'talk to'. Isn't it hard enuff with two women in the equation to stir in another one?.
As for the ex, If she know what this man is like why not tell him, "its not right to talk to me but if you love your wife as you say, you have to talk to her and tell her and open up." It seems you hear more from her about what he is feeling than from your own hubby. How disgraceful!Safa, you really have some decisions to make.
He can't even take into consideration that you carry his child and treat you right especially at this time. To sit there so coldly and tell you what he did! I don't know what kind of man he is, but he is a jerk and has no honor.Sorry Safa, but I had to say this.
And I don't care how angry he is, that is no excuse to hurt you or your kids like he is doing. I don't know if he thinks that you have stayed until now, that you will put up with this ill treatment and not go anywhere. allahu alem! I'll inshallah make dua for you. Stay strong but I ask myslef if it was me, how long could I do this or put up with this? But again am not in your shoes.
7:46 AM
Safa-the line that would have totally convinced me to leave is the line that your five children can be replaced. Astagfirullah!!!! Replacing you-okay-that's some bullsh*t-but for him to deny the children that are half him just like they are half-you tells you ALOT about this man's character. I don't care if he was angry or not. Who rejects their children even in anger???? It's time to get moving sis-head 'em up, move 'em out. Plus-he's still talking to his ex-wife who is NON-MAHRAM to him. How would he like it if you were have convos about your relationship with men on the phone. Astagfirullah-he would sh*t his pants with anger. You have to excuse my language in this post but I am soooo pissed for you I don't know what to do. It's one thing to do something to you (not saying that's ok) but it is another thing to so easily say you would reject your children who ADORE you! May Allah have mercy on his soul!
10:08 AM
Another long comment, so I apologise in advance, Safa. A friend of mine, a divorcee muslimah (mother of 1) from Canada (sound familiar?), has been seeking a new husband. She lives in the UAE. She's gorgeous, sweet, kind, thoughtful. She came into Islam independent of her ex-husband, and wants to enter into a marriage with a man she loves, respects, adores. It's rather hard to find mates in places like the UAE when you're a divorced Muslim mother, so she's used that Muslim marriage site, Qiran. She met a guy who, on paper, seemed quite nice. He was attractive, intelligent, worldly, and also living in the opposite corner of the world. This long distance environment fostered a lot of distrust on her part. She was sure he was playing the field, talking to other women he met on these sites. She had me online playing a potential date, to see if he would bite. She actually thought, at one point, that he had sent her a virus that allowed him to read what she was typing on her screen at all times. Yet the wedding plans went full-steam ahead. While I agreed to sign up on these sites to see if he would 'bite', I kept asking her, "Are you sure this is the way you want to start a life w/ him? So much distrust?" To which, I say to you, Safa, are you sure that you want a marriage in which the information you have about your husband and his other wife is provided by your calls to his ex-wife? Checking his call log, Safa...my friend calls this 'monkey brain'-when women get so crazy insecure, that they start spying on their partners. If you never found another message or phone call again, would you be satisfied? Would you continue to go back and check his mobile from time to time? Would that be the way you would choose to live your life w/ your husband? If your husband had gotten back on the straight and narrow path, would you continue to check his phone? Can you imagine if the tables were turned? No doubt his anger is that feeling of you snooping around, and though you are right to expect him to be non-evasive and honest, does that make checking his things for information legitimate? Is a relationship salvageable when a women or man must sneak around to find information about one another? I think PM hit the nail on the head about him speaking in anger. He didn't mean that about the kids, but he's trying to scare you off. He knows it's wrong to call his ex wife for advice, and though he might truly just be seeking help from her, he also knows that it's not appropriate. What does the Egyptian man do when he is caught in this uncomfortable position? Why, go on the offensive, of course! I call it the caged animal defense, and have seen my own husband use it from time to time.
Your husband has not given you much reason to trust him, but then expects you to fall in line. I understand your desire to get answers, but checking his phone and emptying his pockets is not going to build any future of trust. If you are seeking proof of his wrong doing in order to decide your own life path, then continue checking his phone until you find what you need.If you're hoping to salvage the marriage, then you have to resist the monkey brain virus and invest trust in your husband, despite all that has happened. I don't know that the latter is a solution, Safa, but if you want the marriage to last and have the possibility of love, you'll need to forgive, and he'll need to know that you've forgiven. Tall order, my dear.
10:37 AM
OK thats it I am going to Canada...Sakina and I are going on a road trip tell me when he goes home.....Sakina is ready with the black skull cap and the Pregnancy hormones....We are gonna kick his ass and most probably the other 2 culprits...Ia m sooo angry right now I could SPIT. I think I will.
12:54 PM
Salaams Safa...
I just don't understand him. My gut reaction would have been to tell him "you can be replaced, too!", but that is not productive and just fans the flames. Sigh. I hope that someday he will open his heart, subdue his ego, and clue you in. Stay strong!!
1:07 PM
I agree with Anonymous #2. Lawyer up before he plants the knife firmly in your back...and twists it. Not that he hasn't already.
1:20 PM
Assalamu alaikum, I have been reading this blog for a while, and as much as I want to say you should just leave this guy, I also know that it's not easy as you have children together! However, I think the "you can be replaced" quote pretty much takes the cake. It really doesn't matter what I or anyone else thinks, whatever the case, whatever what anyone else thinks, you have some serious questions to make and possibly some big decisions to make! I'm tempted to say that you should just leave this guy, he's not treating you right ethically, or Islamically, not giving you your rights, acting un-Islamically toward other women, etc., etc., etc.
It seems that he sees you as some sort of safety net or something, I don't know, and he thinks he can just keep coming back to you. Maybe he loves you, maybe he really does want to be with you, but he got himself into this mess he is in, and as much as I'm sure you want to believe that he'll eventually come back to you one day, do you really think he will? And what kind of price do you want to pay if he does? How did it all get this way in the first place? Was he always like this? Or did he just "change"? Because me thinks that most men don't jus twake up and start acting like this, there is usually some sort of patteron behind it.
As much as you may still want him in your life for yoursel fand the girls, what kind of role model do you want your girls to see? Not sure if that makes esense and I really should stop for now.
It doesn't matter what I think, you have to make the decision that is right for you, but whatever the case, you don't deserve this treatment. It isn't "Islamic" to let your husband treat you like you're nothing, even going to the extent of saying that you and even your / his kids are "irreplacable"? Hmmm....
2:13 PM
That's disgusting. He will answer to Allah on the day of judgement. He owes you big time.
3:32 PM
Salamu alaykum,
I'm sorry to hear that your husband is saying such hurtful and vengeful things to you. I'm also surprised that now he's found a confidant in his ex-wife non-muslim at that. You see she wouldn't think that it would be inappropriate for them to be 'friends' as she doesn't know the muslim intermingling rules and as such to him she can be his girl friend. He of course should know better and with 2 wives he has more than enough 'girl friends' in the both of you to confide his sorrows in or perhaps he should talk to his brothers or female family members but some girl that he divorced and may still have an interest in.
I don't know what to advise anymore and with him sleeping on the couch as if you've wronged him is just wrong. He needs to be in the bed trying to undo the wrong instead of pouting and acting like your questioning his actions is tyranny.
6:25 PM
i feel like he thinks yur the good woman who will always be there no matter what you put him through.
I think he does feel like he's in control--no strings attached, money , women, responsbility? actual responsibility? I don't see any except that yes he does support you and give you from the money he makes.
It also seems funny that he didnt wana pipe down and just spend time as a family or even give you some special attention since you are PREGNANT and he has visited after so long.
And to think you were all supportive of him meeting his weird relatives. i think this sucks.
its like him saying...you can stick around if yur willing to take whatever junk i throw your way..otherwise walk away..i dont care..you can be replaced.
he probably didnt mean the kids can be replaced part but maybe he knows that it would hurt you. Allah'alim.
7:30 PM
as salaam alaikum:
men are from mars, 'the war planet.'
they will often polarize a situation very quickly to test how far their opponent is. add to that Egyptian male ego and gasp! fear of losing a woman he actually probably does care about, but who is now no longer bowing to his way....and you get the exact below the belt punch he gave.
objectively, you can give him time to stew...no reactions, nothing else said, honestly be content in your space and concentrate on the good of your children, definately gather your forces to launch your exit and plans c, cause it just may need to go there.
subjectively, it's easier said than done, but usually, pushing the ball back in his court and not retaliating throws men off again, and may, MAY, make them realize that being honest and willing to work on the marriage is in his best interest.
then you got to decide what YOU want to do. If he came to his senses say, in a few weeks, days, month-- truly willing to fix it-- would it be too late? are you truly "thuu?"
it seems like you've already begun to separate from him, divorcing him in your heart and head---the technicalities are the only things left. He's trying to pretend he's done the same. I doubt he has.
The decision is yours, and i think you've already made it.
Ya Allah, from what i gleen, you've done all you can and legally have your rights to khula.
This reminds me of a hadith, "there are two people guilty of oppression; the one who oppresses, and the one who allows him/herself to be oppressed."
I guess the question is: Is he oppressing you, or is he just suffering from what my mom calls, 'the broken X syndrome???"
Masalaama,
Asiila
8:32 PM
I am anon #2:
I just want to clarify something. Lining up a lawyer does not mean that you have made a decision to leave him. It means that you get information and are in a position to protect yourself in case he really goes over the edge and pulls something which is intolerable. It can also give you information you need in order to make a rational decision. Any woman who is in a shaky marriage, in which all trust has broken down should do this, particularly if there are children to support.
I have seen situations in which a father who was always a responsible father in terms of finances, eventually *turns* on the children as he begins to see them as an extension of the mother and thereby rationalizes that to cut off all support. It is an old, old story. Once men get into a situation in which they are feeling victimized and oppressed by *everyone* (and he is showing some real signs of this what with the couch sleeping etc) then they, as Cairogirl says, go into a defensive attack mode.
My other peice of advice is to get some *objective* counseling. Not necessarily a Sheik (whose training is in religion, not interpersonal relationships and psychology) but someone who can sit with you and help you come to a decision which is best for you and more importantly for your kids. I don't know what resources there are in Egypt, but I am sure something is available if you look in the right places.
6:22 AM
Arab men, in my opinion, say some awful things out of anger, not recognising the consequences (or just expecting you to ignore them). This includes the overly dramatic threats. I would approach this subject with him when he's least expecting it, and when you can be calm. You need to assure yourself that he wasn't being sincere in making those comments. Even he knows that is shameful to say/think. And if he says he was sincere, then at least you know exactly what you face.
10:00 AM
ps. the ex wife is covering her ass..thus the immediate call back to him to let him know you called. They got their story straight. Something is up. It's inappropriate regardless. Safa, listen to your gut. You have been the patient wife, now things are serious. This is so inexcusable on his part regardless. Oh gosh, I'm just sick with worry. Please start making plans. Look up flights and clear your history on your computer and don't blog about leaving either, just incase.
6:48 PM
I do find her involvement odd, too-on any level. How often does an ex want to help our the guy with his 2 wife dilemma?
10:50 AM
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