BEWARE this is HUGE!
Assalaamu alaikum to All and Eid Mubarak.....sorry that's so late! I hope you all had a nice Eid.....although I suppose that some of you probably had some struggles during it. Holidays sure make us want family and friends..subhanAllah. This is the first time in two Eids for my husband to be with us. So I've had that lonely feeling before and it sucks. May Allah be with you, ameen.
So here's what's going on......
Hubby arrived at the airport, we all went. He was glad that we all went. We really had quite an uneventful night, considering that by the time we got home and ate, it was already 9:30 pm. The downstairs BIL came up for a bit and by 11:30 pm, we all went to bed. It was hard going to sleep, although my husband had no problem......travelling does that to you. I kept thinking about our sandwich sleep the night before with me and the girls. By 3 am, I woke up with massive heartburn and was throwing up.....subhanAllah. It may have been nerves as well.......my hubby woke up and we ended up talking until Fajr. Here in Egypt, they pray salaatul Eid at 7:05 am, so we got the girls up and went to pray. The prayer wasn't so full this year.
The butcher arrived a little late to slaughter our cow......but when he did.....subhanAllah that was a sight. I don't think I'll ever forget that sight or the sounds the animal made as it was dying. I was sure I'd have nightmares about it. It took the entire day to finish butchering the cow and the lamb....in fact....the butchers didn't leave until about 9 pm. It was nice having the villa full of people.....the butchers...the gardener and his wife....my BIL....the other people who had bought into the cow......masha Allah! I'm so anxious to live there....LOL!!
Was there drama in Eid? Yes....jeez. Oh what I would do for a life without drama for awhile. Sigh. The second day of Eid we went to Cairo to my hubby's family. After long consideration, my hubby has decided to cut off the family relationship with two of his brothers. Not his relationship, which will be on the basics only......but our entire relationship with them on the whole. 2 of his brothers have overstepped ALL boundaries, and have made extravagant effort to shun us from the ENTIRE family, as well as be rude, backbiting....you name it...subhanAllah! And as much as we are killing ourselves trying to fix things with them, or even to find out WHAT EXACTLY is their problem.....we are at a standstill. My husband is one of 6 brothers, and it is two of them who are being unbearable....and not only to us actually.....although it appears that we are the core of it.....but to the other 2 brothers who are standing beside us. There is one brother who just flits back and forth between both sides, not trying to fix anything, but not willing to take any action either. The two brothers who are beside us are also suffering from the drama and are being shunned by the others.....did you get all that? It's confusing at best!
Anyhoo.....well, we were in Cairo. There is a family bldg with 3 brothers living in it.....the 2 who hate our guts, and the one who likes us, across the street, lives the flitting brother. We went upstairs to the family bdlg and knocked on the friendly brothers door and stayed for dinner and the kids had a wonderful time with their cousins. My hubby had taken his decision just the night before that he was not going to go say Eid Mubarak to his two awful brothers...our downstairs BIL arrived, and also joined us for dinner, so the house was full of warmth and friendship....it was nice. A little later, the flitting BIL arrived and stayed for tea....his wife and daughter with him. We learned that the two hateful brothers were downstairs together having a family dinner. No problem......and that their one sister who lives in another city had arrived downstairs....having been invited for dinner with the other two. A little later, she came upstairs as well.
The problems started when the other sister arrived. She didn't want us to leave without say salaam to the others, she said we had to do it, she said do it for Allah, she said she was gonna get mad...she said, she said!!!! After much effort on her part, my hubby agreed. I was pissed, to say the least, and hubby came to talk to me about it. I told him that whatever his decision was, that I'd stand beside it. That if he was to say salaam, then so would I. That I would never want to look divided from him among his family. So as we were leaving to go home, taking the one friendly BIL's family back home with us to spend a couple of days....we stopped at the house of the BIL who was having the dinner. We walked in....and I said salaam to the younger of the 2 hateful BIL's wife.....she embraced me and kissed me on my cheeks.....appearing very welcoming. After I said salaam to her, I looked around....(the house was so full).....and noticed the wife of the older hateful BIL sitting down. I walked over to her to say salaam. She sat there, and when I put out my hand.....she extended hers....but she pushed her body over to the side of the chair as far as she could from me and basically offered me her fingertips....she didn't stand up. I was flustered....but proceeded to bend over to kiss her on her cheeks.....she made this disgusted face and backed even further into the chair....and before I could kiss her....she placed her hand on my chest and pushed me away. "as you wish" I said to her and went to stand somewhere else. I was so hurt. I tried to gather myself and couldn't. Nobody saw what she did. My back was to them all, and I was blocking anyones sight of her. I tried for 2 minutes to gather myself....and was losing....the tears were falling....my hubby looked over at me.....and I motioned that I was leaving and went downstairs to wait for him in the lobby. I cried my eyes out, full of pressure and frustration.....and all the SIL's came down to me....oh ya.....before I left, the horrible SIL stood up and left, without saying a word to anyone.
When my SIL's came down....3 of them.....I told them what happened and they were all enraged. Hubby's sister came down shortly.....and she wasnt' so phased by it all. Allahu Alam beeha. When my hubby came and found me crying, he was confused. Thinking that I was just so mad because I went to say salaam to his BIL's. When I explained to him what happened, he was also angry. There will be action taken....but I'll talk more about it another time. So how's that for drama?
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We've had a busy two days here at home with the one BIL visiting with his kids. Masha Allah, he has 5 girls of his own, our house has been girlie central! It's been fun. So different from last Eid. Alhamdulillah. Things have been going well with hubby. We haven't had much alone time, really. But with the bit that we have had....we haven't been talking about any issues that would bring up any bad feelings. I was worried when he came that there may be some sort of repercussions from the fact I hadn't been talking to him. But there weren't....or rather, haven't been any so far. I'm sure it's an issue that he wants to talk to me about at a later date. In fact, there are probably many things he wants to talk to me about....but is biding his time. Somehow inside, I have this impending sense of doom....don't ask me why.....but I expect the worst. I guess it comes from the fact that things really haven't been going so well lately. Allah help us...ameen.
MM called the second day of Eid. My hubby was sitting outside with his brothers, and I was in the room, just finishing my prayers. The phone rang and I looked and saw it was her. I wondered if I would bring it to my hubby...but then decided that I would answer and tell her Eid Mubarak and to call later cuz hubby was busy. I answered and said...Assalaamu alaikum. Nothing. Assalaamu alaikum? And then she hung up. SubhanAllah. I sat in my room for 15 minutes and tried to control myself, which was difficult. Eventually, I fell to tears and started crying. Nobody respects me anymore. Not even his wife. I try to do goodness and I get treated like I have a contagious disease......I want to give warm well wishes...and I get hung up on. I felt so low. Hubby happened to come to the room to see what was taking me so long, and found me in tears. He asked me what happened and suspected that one of the SIL's upset me. I eventually was able to spit out...."your wife called, and Allah knows my intention was to tell her Eid Mubarak, but she hung up on me....everyone treats me like shit." And fell to tears again. (I even said the bad word, which I usually don't) Hubby hugged me while I cried and told me, "malish...malish....you have no idea of the situation over there" And I managed to get a hold of myself and started to pull away....I yelled at him....YOU ARE THE REASON EVERYONE TREATS ME BAD! I"VE HAD ENOUGH!......he pulled me even tighter and hugged me. I got a hold of myself and sat on the bed....stopped those DAMN tears......and eventually made my way outside again.
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I've been obsessing over many things......My hubby is constantly on my mind.....I try to clear it.....but things come to me unbidden.....lies, betrayal, marriage.....subhanAllah. It's like I'm being attacked by the wiswis of the shaytan. (whispers) So far, I am still winning.....but tears may spring to my eyes before I am even aware. With what has happened with his family this Eid, it's with great dread that I await my husband's departure from Egypt. I so badly wish he would take us with him....so badly wish I could convince him. Which I am 100% sure that I cannot. I've been sitting looking at him, thinking that maybe I'll just take the kids and go after he leaves......we'll go back and show up unannounced. HAHA! I doubt that I'd ever do that either.
So anyways...that's what's happened, that's what's going on and that's where I'm at. I've missed you all.....and will try to get around to blogs ASAP.....I pray that everyone is doing well and is in high islamic spirits....ameen.
posted by Safa at 3:25 AM
18 Comments:
Eid Mubarak dear Safa!
As usualu, you give us much to think about. Waalahi I cannot imagine a SIL so horrible and am really impressed with how you handle yourself, Maash'Allah. You prove yourself time and again to be very strong, Safa, and better than what you are getting from your "family". Insha'Allah this new year will be better for you and the girls.
Salaam Alaikum,
PM
4:07 AM
YA ALLAH! I love you....you made me cry. I want to come and give you a big hug. Soon Insha'Allah I promise.
5:15 AM
Asalamalaykom Sweetie-Pie,
Alhumdullah for many things and even alhumdullah for the things you wouldn't wish for. You have time with him, hugs with him, and support from him. Enjoy that. :) The girls get their father for a time, alhumdullah.
As for what is happening with his family, please remember that it is HIS family and to let him do or not do. If I were you, I wouldn't advise him AT ALL about them.
As for MM, stop being surprised! She is not corgial to you, but you already knew that! So, whose fault is it that you wanted to hear greetings back but didn't? Stop expecting a silk purse from a sow's ear. I love ya, but no tears on that one, chica!
And the tears all coming from some feeling, but also from some hormones. Remember that. You are ultra vulnerable. The mean people (SIL) see that and want to kick you while you're down. Just file that meanness away and learn not to trust them. Stay away from them---unless they come to you with a truce...that's in Quran to do so. :)
The feeling of impending doom is the elephant in the room that nobody wants to talk about. Sometimes it's best just to live life and not bog it down with trying to define situations that nobody really understands anyway. Maybe you can just have him leave Egypt with good feelings, inshahallah.
Hod belak...take care :)
5:43 AM
Assalaamu Alaikum Ukhti,
Eid Mubarak to you and your family. Alhamdulillah, glad to hear that things are progressing smoothly between you and your husband, so far at least. I pray Allah opens doors of sakeenah and strength for you two, ameen!
I've skimmed thru your archives and I have to say that I admire your constant return to your Islamic obligations, masha'Allah. Throughout all your hardships, you seem to be giving your 110% all for the sake of Allah, and I have no doubt that your reward awaits you. I pray you reward is found in the akhira, where it'll be continuous insha'allah. You keep on kicking shaitan's but! no doubt the most beloved of the shayateen to iblis are the ones who cause discord between husband and wife, and we know these shayateen "minal jinnati wannas". May Allah give you the sabr and strength to fight shaitan and guide you to whats best for your life, deen, and akhira, ameen.
Masha'allah sis, I have so much love and admiration for you : )
Wasalaam
7:06 AM
salam. Sis you seem mighty teary, it must be the pregnancy hormones working hard.Lol Safa..dont become a watering pot!
In all seriousness though..People can be spiteful, especially some in laws, I wouldn't let them get to me.I would have stood there in her face and said, " regardless of how you fel about me, fear Allah , for you are my sister in Islam, am just offering salams to you."
I wouldn't have whispered it either, she wants to be mean and spiteful and full of bitterness, hey let her stew in it, I wouldn't let her drag me down.
It seems his family has issues, but sis dont let anyone get to you just take a break, breathe in and out and let it roll of your back.
9:23 AM
You know what, anonymous? I'm going to do just that should the opportunity present itself....
10:05 AM
I searched through your blog but you never really explain why the brothers are like that and why his wife was like that.
I'm sorry for your situation. I hope your husband grows up. You desever so much better and so does your girls.
Salam
2:35 PM
All these people... with their nasty and lowly behaviour, are not worth your tears. Not even worth the gunk under your fingernails. The tears you cry and the pain you feel from the bottom of your heart, for Allah, for your children, for yourself... they are too precious to be wasted on such lowlifes. Remember that next time they try to hurt you. You're stronger and above all the cheap gimmicks they try to pull on you. :*
3:11 PM
safa mash'allah you are a strong woman even with all you are going through.
I do think your husband knows that even with all that has come your way from his side, that you'll be okay and still there for him in the end.
Its islamically allowed for him to have another wife, but you also deserve your full half of the time.
I feel frustrated sometimes that you are having to raise your and his kids on your own.
3:47 PM
Salamu alaykum,
These muslim inlaws are a real mess. As I was reading your saga my zoge tells me that his mom is coming to visit but she won't stay with us as I treated her horribly last time! Yeah right - I went out of my way to be kind to her but then I get insulted. So really in your case just don't do tit for tat as it will only be used against you. You've done well being patient with them and not retaliating as they deserve. Make dua as Allah answers the dua of the oppressed.
4:09 PM
safa i have a question or two for you:
-do you speak egyptian? because if you don't , you sure seem confident and comfortable in the egyptian society and culture, and i'd be really impressed.
-how is it being in egypt with your 4 children, without a man? What I mean is that is it anything like other muslim coutnries where without a man, you are always suffering and struggling. Im assuming its not as bad otherwise u probably would be telling us about it, but still i'd like to know a bit more detail. im always curious about eygpt..married to an egyptian :-)
4:37 PM
WOW Safa! Allah bless you for your fortitude. I dont know how you do it. I have to say though that I would handle things differently--this is not to say you should--just my perspective since I'm 50 years old and been there, done that. At this point in time, since there is already bad blood between your husband himself and his own family, I would keep myself totally out of the picture with those in his family that treat you--and him--like crap. Let your husband handle those nasty ones alone. As for the family members that love and accept you, continue your relationship with them, especially so your children feel like they have family. It's good for them to have cousins to interact with. But nothing would make me go and say "salam" to those nasty ones. Islam does not demand that you lower yourself or put yourself in a position of being insulted. I dont know where this idea came from, but if you just "happen" to see them that is one thing. But to deliberately go and allow yourself to be treated so badly--I dont think it is any way necessary. Remember the rules of giving salams too. You dont have to expect to get any back. You are only supposed to give them--for that you take reward. And I dont think you need to offer your hand or get so close. A general "Assalamu alaikum ya gam3ah" to those who, in a room full of people dont seem eager to see you, should suffice. You'll know the ones to care because they will rise to meet you and perhaps offer their hands as well. Someone like you SIL who behaved in such a disgusting manner needs to be ignored--not encouraged to act out. She was probably waiting for just such a chance. She sounds like a real loser. I am not saying this to hurt your feelings or put you down. I just hate it that you were insulted so horribly and I wish it didnt happen again. Seems there are some family members with whom you can have a social life--you and your kids, and I would take advantage of that and leave the rest of the nasties to their own devices. Much love to you and good wishes. (BTW, this is GRATEFUL--IE wont let me sign-in so I am posting as anonymous--sorry!)
12:00 AM
I'm spechless, and embarrassed that I even complained on my blog about my little ole problems. I tell you life is a fitnah and I'd rather deal with my fitnah any day over anyone elses. I think you are a strong sister. May Allah bless you and grant you ease.
12:40 PM
Remember some of these tears are preggo related. I find myself in tears quite often. Safa you rock. You will always be in my dua.
2:49 PM
Safa, you are such a good, kind person. I like this about you very much. I like the way you put your heart into everything. And how you are cautious with what you say as to take others feelings into consideration. If only the world were so nice!
You've gotten some really good advice from people above. My personal opionion would be an echo of the let him handle his family. As for the sil, what a mean witch. Take comfort in knowing that Allah was in that room too and saw what she did. She has no excuse.
As for your husband, I'm so glad to hear that he held you and comforted you when you needed it, though I agree with you, he is the root of your pain.
I pray that Allah shows him this trip that he is needed, very much.
And can I ask one more thing? Just for the sake of curiousity? Something struck me as odd when he replied back that you didn't know what was going on at the other end when the sw called. Was he implying maybe something happened to disconnect her or was he eluding to trouble brewing there between them as well?
Anyway, Safa, again you are such a kind person. I don't know why Allah has given you this test and at such a vulnerable time with your pregnancy and all, but I hope that you learn whatever it is you are supposed to learn soon so you can put this all behind you, and carry on without this impending doom feeling.
I want so much to see you happy.
Sorry for the book, but your post moved me. I really am rooting for you.
3:40 PM
Safa, sorry your SIL is such a *&^$#@. Glad I got to catch up...virus lets the computer work for 6-7 mins at a time...Take care.
12:41 AM
To the other anonymous...his two hateful brothers are jealous of the relationship that my husband has with the downstairs brother. The downstairs brother and him work together and my hubby owns some businesses and that same brother runs them. Over the years, they have become resentful of any success my husband has, and their jealousy only grows. As much as my husband has tried to get his other brothers involved with him, it's never really worked. In fact, one of the two hateful brothers, worked for my husband in Canada....it didn't go well, and eventually the brother quit. This is really what I believe to be the beginning of our problems....between me and the oldest SIL....she's a strange brew and thinks she's always right. What she says GOES. 3 times she has wrongly accused me of things, and I've gone back and proven to her that it was in fact her own children who made the mistake and she's had to apologize to me. No one in the family has ever called her on her mistakes.....3 times has been too much for her, so she's backed off from me slowly..... Her kids started being weird with me...and I called them out as well....which was too much for her. I do that to everyone, mind you. If I'm upset or I see something wrong....I usually bring it up and try to fix it. Her oldest girls, the 26 and 24 yr old, were being horrible to me, (the mother pushing them on) and one day I snapped over it. Since that time, it's never been the same. I've moved on, but she hasn't. SubhanAllah!
About the wife....Its funny how she was the one who asked my husband for marriage, knowing he was married...spoke to me on the phone and claimed that she loved me and the girls...(and of course my husband).....and now suffers from such insecurity. It was her idea in the first place. I don't know exactly what is going on with her, but I can say, that when we were in Canada, she was freaking out about me being there, and wasn't able to handle my husband being with me and the kids......I don't feel sorry for her.
2:17 AM
Safa, you are a better person than I would have been about the phone call from MM. Well...first of all, my husband would get mad if I answered his cell phone, so I would never do it anyway. Whenever he's out of the room and I see that it's her calling, I always push the button to send the call straight to voicemail. And I don't bother to tell him that she called. He'll see the missed call sometime.
5:47 PM
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