tidbits and some hope.....

I had such a busy day yesterday.....SubhanAllah! First of all, on Weds I didn't sleep until just after Fajr. I was busy organizing things....and not really doing the greatest job actually. Things aren't as organized as they have been in the past. So I'm doing a good job, but not the perfect job. Hubby can like it or lump it. The maid showed up at 8:30 am on Thurs morning. I must have slept 3 hours at the most. I told her that I wanted SUPER CLEAN, not just clean. And masha Allah, did she ever clean....I brought her back to the villa at 6:45 pm. No kidding. But things are so spotless.....she did the impossible....and the house was a real mess, I'm sorry to say. At 4pm, I was starting to get sick.....so I went to go to sleep for an hour....by this time she was in the kitchen......I went and lied down, but Allahu alem if I slept or not.....I could feel my blood vibrating in my veins. Alhamdulillah, house is nice and sparkling...and that part of Eid and my hubby's visit is over.

I went to sleep at about 1 am last night, and slept really good until about 7:30 am. I feel rested and good. When I got up, I started on the mehshi cabbage and eggplant. It's now 10 am and it's all done. I will be stuffing peppers as well, but will let my 14 yr old do that when she wakes up. Salad is for the 11 yr old to do.....and I'm cooking duck. Not the ones from the villa...they've been thrown out. (Just in case ur reading, PM and thought OMG!) LOLOL!!

I've got a few things on my plate today....but easy simple things that shouldn't take too much effort. One thing that is bothering me is that because we are slaughtering, I can't cut my nails or my hair or wax or shave or anything. I did some of that before I got the lamb....but my nails are really bothering me.....oh well. I actually broke my imposed silence with my husband a few days ago and sent him a text message...."Do not forget you are slaughtering, don't cut your hair or nails" Somehow I figured that he'd do that before coming to Egypt, so I felt that it was my duty islamically to remind him. I haven't heard his voice since Dec 4th. SubhanAllah, I don't really miss it either.....I'm still like...meh.

~~~~

So I want to tell you about my girls last night. The 9 yr old and the 3 yr old. Yesterday, the older ones fell asleep and I was up with the other two. When I was finished what I was doing, I said to them....okay..bedtime guys. I was walking the 9 yr old to the room she shares with her sister, and was going to give her a kiss and go make my bed on the floor. Although my room is sparkling clean....I haven't slept in my bed since I've come back from Canada. As I passed my open door, I looked over at my bed and thought to myself about how imposing it looks. Then the 9 yr old surprised me with something....she asked...."Can I sleep with you tonight?" Oh! I didn't think about it....so I looked over at my bed again, and at my daughter, and then said, sure! So we got in bed, the 9 yr old on one side, the 3 yr old in the middle and then me. We chit chatted a little, and then it got really silent. My 9 yr old reached her arms over and hugged her sister, so that she could hug me. The sisters were hugging together, and I was hugging the 3 yr olds back. They love each other, and I love them both. They started breathing heavier as sleep caught up to them, and still I lie there. I started thinking that if anything would make me feel about sleeping in this bed, it would be that my two darling girls slept with me this night. I'd think about how we were like a sandwich, and the 3 yr old was the stuffing. LOL! SubhanAllah, I lay there for the longest time, without sleeping......until finally......I drifted off.

Funny thing here is that when both girls fell asleep, I was hugging them, thus putting my back towards the bedroom door. At one point, I was thinking about turning over. I really wanted to. But subhanAllah....I was scared. I believed that if I turned over towards the door, I might see something there. Something would be looking at me. It was the eeriest feeling ever and to turn over would be to give this thing a chance to look at me...accuse me. So I just tried to ignore this rising panic in my gut and didn't turn over. SubhanAllah.

~~~~

I'll have that talk with the girls today. I have to sit them down and let them say some things. Oh Allah, give me strength! All of them told me yesterday that they wish their father wasn't coming only to leave again. I agree with that....I wish he was staying. The 14 yr old doesn't even want him to come, period.

~~~~

On a side note.....the 11 yr old called her uncle in Cairo. This uncle is the one who lived there in Canada.....the only uncle that they knew for years. His daughter is more like my own children......and the kids have always been so close to him. Well, u remember how he didn't talk to us when we went to Canada? Well, he isn't talking to us in Egypt either. He arrived a couple days after we got back. When my 11 yr old daughter was born, this uncle was there at the hospital with us, almost immediately after my daughter was born, my hubby ran out into the hall with her and handed her to his brother and ran back in to me. This uncle says that he held her when she was still warm. LOL! Anyways....my little dear wanted to call her Amu. At first, I was sorta against it.....but he's her uncle so I told her to go ahead. So she called him, and an answering machine picked up....so she said...."Assalaamu alaikum, Amu...it's....N.....I hope you have a happy Eid...I miss you" and she hung up. That was over a week ago. He didn't call her back. 2 days ago, she begged me to let her call him again....but I absolutely refused and told her to wait until her father comes. She's so hurt and said to me....I think maybe he's not in Cairo right now....or maybe he doesn't check his answering machine. Maybe, I said. But I know he's in Cairo. What a weird family.......I almost feel like I'm the 2nd wife for them to be so upset with us....wouldn't u agree?

~~~~

What else? Well....I prolly won't be posting as much.....I guess you guys know that. I'm going to try and take it easy....and I am not planning to talk to hubby about anything. I've talked an entire years worth.....and have not made any progress......so I'll just leave things alone. Whatever. Maybe it's time for me to stop talking and see what he has to say? Yes....I hope he doesn't make things worse.

I'm worried about my tears. LOL! Strange thing....but I'm worried that I may start crying while he's here.....u know those tears that just escape when you don't mean it? I'm worried they'll start up and I won't know how to stop them. My mom helped me with that before......I don't think I've ever told you about the balloons, have I?

On my 16th birthday, I had two best friends. They were very loyal and stood by me, even after I accepted Islam. So there on my 16th bday....already starting my islamic learning journey....just months away from converting, they both showed up at my work with 6 Helium bday balloons. We had the greatest laugh over those balloons. It was the first time I ever got balloons as a present and I was so excited. I tied them up to the counter at work....and customers were asking me whose bday it is? So I was so popular walking around with those balloons that day....and being 16...what else could I want? After work, I took the bus home....talking to anyone who approached me about those balloons. My parents thought the balloons were wonderful....I tied them up on the post of my daybed, and laid in bed looking at them, thinking. What should I do with them? What should I do? And then it came to me. In the morning, I got 6 nice envelopes and 6 pieces of paper. And I wrote 6 letters....."HI! My name is....****......I got this crazy idea about letting them go and wondered if anyone would find them. Do you want to know the story about how I got these balloons? Send me a letter, my address is at the bottom, and I promise I'll write you back." I signed my name at the bottom. On the envelope I drew a squiggly balloon and wrote....OPEN THIS.....on the outside. I made a little hole on the envelope and tied the balloon strings to it. Then I went on the roof of my building and stood there in the brightness of that day.....and let them go. I stood there for the longest time, and watched them sail higher and higher, until I finally couldn't see them anymore. My mom thought I was nuts, but was secretely proud of me letting the balloons go with the letters.....it appealed to something in her.

Anyways....about a month later I got a letter from Michigan, USA......it was from a man who was a pumpkin farmer. He wanted to know how I got my balloons. LOL! He also told me that he found my balloon, deflated stuck in a tree on his farm. He could see the string hanging down with the OPEN THIS envelope...but as much as he tried, he couldn't get it. So finally, he went and got a chainsaw and cut the tree down....LOL! He sent me pics of his family on the farm and said that all the family was waiting to hear from me. So I sent him my little story...16th bday and all....a picture of me.....and that was that. He sent me a card at Xmas, and I sent him one. I still have that card. And that was the end of our correspondance. From those 6 balloons, that was the only one to come back.

So what about my mom? Well.....a while back, when I was sad and depressed, she asked me....Honey? Do you remember the balloons? Do you remember the hope that you had? Do you remember how you felt watching those balloons? Knowing that they were yours, given in love, and you let them go, hoping to get something back still? Do you remember how you took that chance? Do you?

Yes, I do, Mom. So she said....when you are feeling down, sad and alone....you remember those balloons.....they'll be coming back...u'll see. Just you remember those balloons.

And so I will. Should things get difficult here, should the tears threaten me, should I want to just lay down.....I'm going to imagine them....I'm going to see me on that roof letting them go.....watch them float into the sky, so high that I'll worry that the sun will pop them.....and I'll see that red balloon....the one that is just drifting along, steady and firm, even in the strong wind....and I'll say....there I am.....that's me.....I'm going to float like that balloon, and insha Allah.....I'm going to come back still.