Suffer the children.....

For the last two weeks, the hubbex has shown no interest in his children. He has stopped calling them thru the week. Whereas at one point, he was calling every day after school. He's supposed to take the children every Sunday....11am was his request. Last Sunday he rolled in at 1:15 pm. The Sunday before at 2pm.

Its slowly becoming apparent. He doesn't have the ability to be a solid father figure to his children. It was with my extreme effort that he managed to have any relationship with his kids these last few years. And now that I've stepped back and let him run his relationship on the strength of his own effort.........it's a sad shock for me.

I worked very hard at making my husband look like superman to his kids. It was so important to me since I had grown up without a father..... I used to buy gifts for the kids, and let Hubbex give them.......perfect gifts. The youngest would ask for lollipops at strange hour....and I always kept the sock drawer well supplied with lollipops just in case. So that Baba could always see the happy twinkle in her eyes when he followed thru with her smallest request. I'd text him in Canada saying..."pssst...the CD player that your oldest wants is on sale this week at Canadian Tire.....buy it before Friday." Not only reminding him, but saving him money too.

I orchestrated everything to make him great. And I don't regret any of it. The thing is....at one point......you start believing in what you have created........not realizing that it's by your hand that this person has reached that level of commitment. And without you.....without your support......that person is nothing.

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The phone rang at 4 pm. The hubbex was calling the kids. That's strange. I let the oldest answer and this is what he had to say.....

"I'm not going to be able to pick you all up on Sunday, I just wanted to let you know."

The oldest asked him why not?

"I'm leaving for Egypt. In a few hours actually. Take care of Abdullah for me, okay?"

(Abdullah? ABDULLAH??? GRRRRR!!!!!!)

He then proceeded to talk to all of the children.

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Oh friends...!! SubhanAllah!!!!! Which of my children should I tell you about? The different reactions in my house.........oh my......my heart screams for these children who are not only without a dedicated father.......but denied the chance to hold him tight before he leaves. Denied the chance to look in his eyes and tell him that they love him.........

The oldest is jubilant. YES!! She's relieved. No more Sunday visits to suffer thru. This has made her day.

The 13 yr old. Ohhhh, my sweet, tortured child. She states to everyone that she wants to be alone and no one to bother her and goes in her room. She comes out occasionally for food........more than she needs......streaks of old tears down her cheeks. I try to say something to her and I'm given an icy stare.......I stop. I just want to hold her.......

The 11 yr old. She cried and stopped. Wiped her eyes, and then just bounced with it. I'm sure that something is going on inside.....but for now....she's conquered the inner demons......

The 5 yr old. She's screaming.....I WANT BABA! I WANT BABA! And I run to her......she pushes from my arms......YOU DONT WANT HIM! I talk calmly for her and she says that Baba told her that I don't want him anymore. She says she hates our house, hates her gramma....... I ask her whats wrong with our house.....and she states simply with an innocence that blows me away.....

"There aren't any daddies in our house"

Oh sweet precious.

I plant little kisses all over her cheeks and hug her tight. We lie down in bed together and I ask her if I can sing to her.....she agrees and looks up at me with tears in her eyes.......so I start.....make your own tune....

Princess Nemo Bounce-alot
do you know?
Princess Nemo Bounce-alot
do you know?

That I see the sunlight in your hair,
That I see the twinkle in your eye............
that even though you are little
you will always be my............(I hold the my)

Best friend!
Best girl!
Best sister to the world!

Pretty doesn't say how beautiful you are on the inside.....
You always say please and thank you
You always want to help me
You always have a bounce to share
You always care

But what do you want Princess Nemo Bounce-alot?
what do you need?

A hug? A smile? A kiss?
Have I ever told you that you are the best part of my happy day?
That when you are at school I count the minutes until you come home?
That you are the perfect size for my hug?
That when you sleep with me, I love the sound of your breathing?

Princess Nemo Bounce-alot
Princess Nemo Bounce-alot

You. Are. Loved.

All the while, stroking her hair.....calming her down.......kissing the random tears.........watching her eyes grow heavy with sleep. Willing her to sleep. Wanting to take her pain and carry it for her.......oh my precious, precious darling.......

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So for a time, the house becomes quiet. Calm. And I'm angry with the house lying to me.....what calm? What about this turmoil in my chest? HOW DARE HE RUN OUT LIKE THAT?? And in desperation I start getting the baby dressed.......I rec'd a card from the post office......someone has sent me something.....it's my excuse to leave the house. As I'm about to leave, the oldest daughter takes a look at me and says she wants to come........I reluctantly say okay.

We go to Mc Donalds and I buy two Mc Flurries. It's my last 5 dollars. And then we go to the park. It has a man made lake there. And as we sit down, eating our ice cream.....the baby looking at the Canadian geese...... I'm able to find my inner calm again.

I just HATE how the hubbex does whats easy for him.....and leave the difficulties for everyone else. I HATE it! And all the kids are hurting in their own way....... We spend about an hour watching the lake, the kids playing........even watching all the funny squirrels.......and then I'm okay.

So we go to the post office and I find that it's this huge box from France. WOW! When I get home Mom is sitting on the porch.....Nemo Bounce-alot is blowing bubbles, the 11 yr old is sitting in the fresh cut grass, my brother is sitting out there too.....but the 13 yr old is burning inside the house.

And I pull this huge box out of the trunk......and eyes light up!!! They all run over......they can't wait......so I sit in the grass on the front lawn and we start to look.......ooooohhhh ahhhhhhh!!

There is a cash register for the young girls....with its own microphone and full of pretend euros.....how exotic! There's an MP3 player.....and a binocular set with a compass which I pass over to my army cadet brother who is sooooo happy. And there are lots and lots of clothes for the baby......his sisters......all from Paris France.

Do you realize, oh generous sister, how you saved our day? I'm crying typing this.......you saved our day.

The 13 yr old comes out...curious. Grabs the little cash register and says in the microphone....."Can we have a price check on the little Stud in the stroller?"

We all collapse in giggles....on the front lawn! LOL!! The 5 yr old asks how much to buy her barbie.....and pays for it with the euros......

Next thing you know....we are all pretending to have a lawn sale.........the 13 yr old is manning the cash register and laughing at herself for playing along......I'm laughing.....my mom is even laughing......

And somehow peace is restored. We sat outside until the mosquitos had their fill.

And then we just moved on.

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Surah As Saffat....

"Truly they will eat thereof and fill their bellies therewith. Then on top of that they will be given a mixture made of boiling water. Then shall their return be to the (Blazing) Fire. Truly they found their fathers on the wrong Path;"