HUGE!!
I laid things on the line with the 13 yr old today. Gave her my speech....told her what her father wanted....and let her go off....
And she went off alright! BOOM!!
She yelled....HOW COULD YOU? YOU PROMISED YOU'D NEVER SAY NO!
Blah blah blah. I tried to remain calm, but then I started yelling at her. She needed tough love. But then she did the unthinkable....she called her father......that's okay, I can handle that.....
She gives me the phone and he tells me to let her do what she wants to do. "IS THAT YOUR IDEA OF PARENTING?" I yelled out him without missing a breath. OMG...I was hot!
I got on a roll....
"WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN FOR THE LAST 7 YEARS? HOW DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOUR CHILDREN WANT? YOU AREN'T EVEN PROVIDING FOR THEIR NEEDS RIGHT NOW! YOU HAVE 5 CHILDREN....BE A MAN!!! AND YOU WANT ME TO LET HER DO WHAT SHE WANTS? "
"YOU ARE DESTROYING THEIR LIVES!!! YOU'VE RUINED EVERYTHING!!!!"
"I RUINED WHAT EXACTLY?? I GAVE YOU 2 YEARS TO FIGURE YOURSELF OUT AND YOU MADE YOUR CHOICES. THE POINT WE ARE AT NOW, IS A DIRECT RESULT FROM YOUR OWN SELFISH CHOICES. YOU GOT WHAT YOU WANTED AND I TOLD YOU THAT I WOULDN'T LIVE LIKE THAT"
"YOU'VE RUINED OUR LIVES!!"
"DON'T TELL ME WHAT I'VE DONE!! LOOK AT YOURSELF IN THE MIRROR AND SEE WHERE YOU ARE GOING!! LET ME TAKE CARE OF THE KIDS LIKE I'VE ALWAYS DONE!! (he's yelling something at me about how I couldn't care less about the kids and how I'm on a personal vendetta to destroy his life....) IS THAT WHAT YOU THINK?? YOU STUPID SHIT???"
And then I hung up. Yeah, I threw the phone too. Sigh.
And then I cried some.
And then I stopped crying. Took a deep breath and am continuing on with my day. My 13 yr old heard it all. She's calmed right down. She's trying to make small talk.
And when I catch my breath, I'm going to take her out for a coffee.......and talk. More talk. And if need be....more.
I pray that eventually she will see.
posted by Safa at 10:49 AM
13 Comments:
oh safa. i read that holding my breath the entire time. good. good for you for letting it out even though i know there is more to let out. you stood by him you prayed you were patient. he went to canada.came back and you still treated him well.
you asked, you cried, you begged. now you are sick and tired of it and its coming out.
sis im so sorry you have to suffer this way. i dont know whats wrong with men wallahi.
i think your 13 year old got a shock when you went off on him but perhaps she needed to hear it. needed to know that ALL of you have been wronged for a while. that you are not just jumping up and leaving life in egy behind on a whim.
you may have a hard time ahead of you with her but inshallah she will come around. though it may take some time. dont you budge though. she has to know that things are the way they are for the betterment of the family. and that he cant just frollic through and do as he pleases.
prayers sister prayers. be patient with the girl. but be firm.
11:13 AM
Wow, subhanAllah. Man I felt so tense reading all of that. I agree with Jana Z. Good for you for letting him have it. He needed to hear more, but it wouldn't have made any difference. And it is good that your daughter heard that. Perhaps it helped her see that her father really has wronged everyone (including HER). The marriage issues were between you and him, but his actions affected all the children as well. It's hard to see past your own little bubble when you are 13 years old. InshaAllah this episode opened her eyes a little. Hope you all are doing okay insha allah. :-)
2:42 PM
I sorta think the 13 y.o. needed to hear that. I know, I know...all child psychologists would say that parents should be a united front in divorce. He broke that union long ago, though. What a sad, sad man...he won't buy the family groceries, but he wants to pull this BS.
3:31 PM
I took her out and u know what? We didn't talk....we just went to buy some shampoo.
She's out riding her bike right now. She's happy. She's seeing how long it takes her to get to her school because she wants to start riding there.
She came home laughing and said she got sorta lost and is going to try it again.
Oh to be 13!!! Where we are always able to keep up. Pray for us on Sunday.....Hubbex comes to get the kids!
Oh and you know what? He didn't call back after I hung up. I was thinking that he would. And I started thinking that because today is Jummah, that maybe he'll drop by the house....( I don't let him in tho....)...but nope....not even that.
I honestly expected him to call back and talk to his daughter.....WOW.
5:19 PM
his first concern is.....himself. that is evident.
5:56 PM
Salaams Safa:
Good for you!
Be careful on Sunday, though ...
6:19 PM
WOW....can you follow him on Sunday...just follow closely behind and watch....I love how he played the whole role reversal...argggg
11:49 PM
Safa - stay strong - it is unfortunate that you are having to be the 'mean' parent with the 13 year old - but that is what is needed now - for her - not sure she will ever 'appreciate' the decisions you have made - in shaa allah she will never have to live what you have lived - but you need to remain firm and insure that you do what is best for the kids - may not always be popular - but then being a parent is not a popularity contest. Be very very careful when he picks the kids up on Sunday - I do not believe he has the 'balls' to take them - because he is much too self centred - and who would look after them in Egypt- but make sure the eldest one goes - to keep an eye on things - she seems to have her head on straight - and hopefully she will be able to keep things on track. Kids are pretty resilient - just look at the 13 year old - within a vert short period of time it is as if nothing has happened - remember this when the 'explosions' occur - seems her attention span is pretty short. You just keep on doing what is best for your kids - do not let that waver - do not second guess yourself - you are on the right path - keep on keep'n on.
1:25 AM
Ah, this brings back memories of when I threw a phone after hearing that my ex-husband would not be sending any child support because he was over-extended with the purchase of his new car, boat and vacation property on a fishing lake. And that phone was one of those huge heavy old-style phones from the early 80s! I took a huge chunk of plaster out of the wall -- all the way down to the lathe! LOL!
Keep on keeping on.
12:41 PM
Mabruk! Of course it wasn't easy to hold it in for all of these years in front of the kids, and to let the 13 year old (who, btw, is old enough to know a bit of what you have been through) see that, OMG, Baba isn't perfect?! might just help. But, I will say, being the child of Hubbex's evil twin (yes, I am serious), be careful...when they are quiet it is because they are thinking. All you can do with 13 yr old is keep the lines of communication open, don't ever let her have enough time to plan with him!
12:55 PM
Yeah I'd be real careful to keep tight control over all passports for your kids even egyptian ones or their IDs so he has no way to just whisk them all off one afternoon. Sit them down and have a little chat about how wrong it would be for Daddy to take them without permission of mommy and lay on the guilt of how much you'd miss them etc... but stress the wrongness. So if he does show up at the airport one day with them (not that he can see too far past his big head) maybe one of them will have the nerve to call you and tell you what he's doing and you can call authorities or such.
Just be careful I'm saaying bcause you've been through enough and for more pain to come from this would be devistating. I'm making du'a for you.
12:59 AM
Sounds like she is okay with your decision. Seems like he is too but he wants to blame you, nothing new there. I would be very careful Sunday he's going to fill her full of lies again.
4:45 AM
When's he leaving? Can't be soon enough. Like you need more stress and headaches from him, than what you already have on your plate?
I read once that the best thing a father could ever do is to love his child's mother.
In this case, if the love has died/been killed by unjust actions, at least he could show respect.
Impossibly selfish.
3:49 PM
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