Spinning
I was woken this morning by my cell phone. I looked at it sleepily.....
HUBBEX? From Egypt? WTH?? (has hell frozen over? OMG!)
So I answer it...trying to erase any timidness from my voice.....
His voice says stiffly in arabic....
"I want you and the kids to come to Egypt this summer. Do you hear me? Do you understand? I want you to bring the kids and come this summer"
Yes I understand. And then he tells me to talk to his oldest brother. Then his sister. And then his other brother.
Come back! He'll buy you an apt. He'll give you the best of everything. He'll have you all wearing the best clothes.....
So then I asked.....will he send a ticket for my mother and brother as well? Because now they are living with me. They are my responsibility.....
They backed up. Oh yes...I knew they would. I asked to talk to Hubbex again....
"I don't know what they said to you that made you all me....but I'll tell you this much. I don't trust you and am not coming to Egypt any time soon. All I want from you is a divorce......we are done....so FINISH IT"
He just yelled back at me....
"IS THAT ALL YOU HAVE?? IS THAT ALL YOU HAVE???"
~~~~~
So this is the solution that the family came up with. Not support....not him taking care of his children.....but more submission. Running to him because he phoned and told me to bring the kids. No niceties....no sorries....hell.....not even an influction of emotion in his voice.
I should be blown away.
~~~~~
I'm so tired of this. So very fed up with it. Sigh.
posted by Safa at 3:57 PM
21 Comments:
poor safa. rollercoaster rides like this do leave you so damned tired. you would probably get more ease if he would just leave you alone for a while. men have a real knack of knocking you back when youre finally getting used to things the way they are. he thinks youre weak. that youll give in to the material things. all you ever asked that man for was a good marriage, respect and to be a good and PRESENT father. damn the money.
youve worked hard to be who, what and where you are now. your children look up to you. let him do the floundering.
7:08 PM
Thanks Jana....ur right on letting him do the floundering.
This man didn't say salaam to his children....this man hasn't provided us with money....
And yet...I'm supposed to go running to him.....
Oh, I'm not. I'm too angry, upset, fed up.....you name it.
I will hold firm in my position....like I've had commenters tell me many times....I will remain in Canada....
No car, apt, or money under the hubbex's control could ever tempt me.
8:00 PM
I smell a rat. I think that the only reason he wants you to come to Egypt with the kids, is so that he can divorce you in Egypt and take the kids from you! I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him. I'm sure he is more worried about somehow having to pay child support then anything else..and looking for ways to get out of that.
10:01 PM
I agree w/ Bug on this...I suspect it's about custody which is really about injuring you as best he can.
10:18 PM
Psycho!
I lost 7 kg to mine. I was in it for two months and let him linger around some more after I figured out he was a psycho just to figure him out with that knowledge. My entire body hurt for almost a month after I kicked him to the curb.
You must be exhausted!
No Contact is the only rule for psychos/narcissts, but with kids involved it gets harder.
Have a look around the board I gave you, it's the only advice I can give.
Your entry about his denial of you all told me he is convincing himself that he left you, not vice versa, his ego can't live with that. He probably have convinced himself of that by now and is out to get control over you again, for sure take your kids.
If having contact with him at this time is causing you damage in any way, mental or physical, then I would suggest to apply the NC-rule till you are ready to talk about how your are NOT going to Egypt.
Big hug!
4:46 AM
Btw dear, the reason I did not comment on the last one is that it struck too close to home. His conversations with you resonates in my ear of conversations with my psycho ex. I just had mine on the phone and it went something like this:
"I want you to put on a skirt and come downtown. Do you hear me? Do you understand? I want you to dress up, don't forget your jewelry! I bought a phone for you last week and if you don't show today I will wreck it. Do you understand? Come NOW!"
There is no reasoning with these men. Trying reason will just exhaust you :-(
4:58 AM
Its all about control and he has lost his hold on you. I agree with bug that this is just a plot to get you to come back maybe he figures if he demands it of you you will submit to him like befoe but what he has missed in all of this, in all of these two years is that you have grown. You have out grown him. You have realized you are worth more than being his slave wife, worth more than being opressed and following his every command. You are a better person than you were 2 years ago...you have grown and will continue to grow for the better, Insha'Allah. Damn he is such a blind bastard.
5:50 AM
You've pounded a nail here Kafira.....it seems that the hubbex told the two oldest kids that our marriage was over since our divorce in the summer. He told them that he already hated me, but was gonna stay because of them.
LOL!! That doesn't even make me think....I know he's doing damage control......like you said....convincing himself that HE left ME.
Does it really matter?? I think the end result is what we are seeing here.
I smell a rat with Egypt as well. In fact, if I close my eyes and think about it long enough...I am looking straight at it.
I'm not going anywhere.....
9:56 AM
A friend of mine was married to an Egyptian man for about 6 years. Early on the relationship went very sour-they were oil and water together...two people so poorly matched. Anyway, she moved out about 4 years ago, and I went to help her get her things. She wanted to leave pieces, and I said, "Look, we have both our cars here, let's just get it done." Of course, she wanted him to say, "Stay," upon seeing her move out. Only he didn't. They lived apart for four years, and she asked him to go to the court together many times to divorce (both living outside their own countries). I think she kept hoping he would "call her back" to the house, but he didn't. They were friendly, and sometimes ate dinner together, though none of it was truly as husband and wife. She really pushed for a mutual divorce, but he woudl always make an excuse not to go. Finally, after he said he would go to court her and then was a no-show off the morning, she decided to go without him. The court called him at home to ask why he didn't show. Later, he said he couldn't believe she'd done that to him. He has now revised the story to be that she left him, and that the divorce was against his wishes...despite the fact that he'd spent the last 4+ years "dating" other women.
10:17 AM
What scares me about all of this is that he could hit you when you are feeling weak and low and with the pressure of the family you might consider it. I pray to God this would not happen because I know you would regret it. I back up Kafira on this -- NO CONTACT if you feel any weakness. He is a total creep and frankly his family sucks, too. No one is standing there making him send money to his kids but they'll back him up on trying to force you back. I feel like I just swallowed my own vomit.
Yuck.
1:19 PM
Wow! I am surprised that I keep being surprised at what this kelb does. Is there no end to his stupidity or control issues?
Hugs to you Safa!
Anisah
2:15 PM
To know how his brain works is very very important. It gives you the chance to put up strategies when you interact with him and to gain some upper hand.
If he is what I think he is, a psychopath or has sociopathic personality disorders there is no end to his ways. He is made of the same material as serial killers!
I read the instruction manual on my ex and I am now the boss of the "relationship". Yes, we are still in touch, but on my terms only. I get to enjoy the "fun" sides of him and know what NOT do do so as not to endanger myself and those of my friends who are in his proximity.
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer
Sun-tzu
Chinese general & military strategist
3:11 AM
This brother is clearly hurting! He is actually hurting over losing his family, so he lashes out by trying to make it harder for you, maybe scare you into feeling that you need him because he says he will not give you a dime (and is actually not giving). I think that inshaAllah one day the apologies will come...but for now, he is hurting and angry, as far as I can tell from what you describe. May Allah make it easier for him and guide him back to a straighter path, and may Allah make it is for you sister and your lovely children to be patient and trusting in Allah and his Qadr. Ameen. Big Hugs to you.
3:14 PM
I'm not sure about the idea that he wants you all in Egypt to take the kids from you. After all, in Egypt doesn't the law give the mother the children? I am not sure on that, I think you mentioned it to me, but I could be wrong. Allahu alim. But if you do feel that this could be an ulterior motive, then you would know better than me. All in all Allah knows best. I just really feel like this is his way of hurting over this.
3:17 PM
The law does say that, Mumina, but if a husband could discredit the mother...say, accuse her of taking the children in secret to another country, he could make a case against his wife for custody.
3:35 PM
This is what I found on custody of children in Egyp;
Egypt’s custody laws do not reflect internationally acceptable standards nor do they take the best interests of the child into account.126 By law, physical custody of any children born of the marriage is automatically transferred to the father at the age of ten for boys and twelve for girls, unless the parents reach an alternative extra-judicial agreement or a judge orders an extension of the mother’s custody.127
http://www.hrw.org/reports/2004/egypt1204/
2:05 AM
I agree with PM - be careful. In a momemnt of weakness going back might seem like the best thing to do.
6:29 AM
Assalamu `alaykum,
I agree with everyone here! If he had AN INCH of remorse he would be at least sending money for his kids!
These men... aRRGGHH!!!
3:01 PM
The fact he had to give you the inlaws calling cirlce is proof enough he's not man enough to handle you all by himself. Forget him and drop him liek a dead fly. Call him in a few months just to see if he's a muslim or not and jsut go on with life as if he was never there (i know easier said than done but inshallah fr the better)
8:55 AM
what this man want??????
12:22 PM
I hate the fact that he has abandoned his religion. I guess the only good thing that comes out of that decision, is it automatically makes you divorced. I guess your iddah will complete on sept 27th. But you will never really be free and clear of this man. You have 5 babies with him. So he will always be some where lurking in the background.
But I really just hate that he left his religion. No matter what he has done, I still grieve at the fact that he has left the fold.
2:23 AM
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