just wondering....??
What do you all think about me trying to fight my husband for support? How far do you go? Do I go back to Egypt and divorce him and try to take half of everything? (by myself, of course)....
I've already called the oldest BIL......the family patriarch and explained to him that we need the hubbex to start paying. I also told him that it's the hubbex's islamic duty.
I think what matters to me in the end....is that the children see that I've tried my best.
posted by Safa at 10:49 AM
16 Comments:
I would say go as far as you need to in order to secure your children's future, but don't count on it.
I think especially now since he article in the star that it is very likely he is doing this out of spite.
It's a shame when men let their pride get in the way of their responsibilities. I dont think the it's your islamic duty speach will work. There were a lot of things that were his duty that he brushed under the carpet.
11:51 AM
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11:51 AM
Safa - If it was me, I go as far as I could to make sure that my son was taken care of (financially speaking). ohhhh, I would make DH pay, and then some. I know it sounds a little..hmmm....harsh. But life isn't easy and I would like to know that my son had money set aside for him.
I think we need to be a little realistic here. You didn't make these beautiful children by yourself. He needs to step up and take responsibility for them as well. It amazes me how he has wormed out of taking care of the kids. A trip here and there to the grocery store or getting them a treat isn't support. Never was, never will be. He needs to pay.
In Egypt, I don't know how far you can go to get half of everything. Laws are different there. I know from personal experiences child support there is almost nothing, and the father has a lot more rights than the mother. As his islamic duty, yes, he needs to do this. It makes me wonder what the hubbex family thinks of him now? Do you think they know what has been in the paper about him?
I think your children should see you try your hardest for them to have a happy and normal life. I see what I went through with my mom and I am glad I did. My mom worked to the bones to give me the best life she could and I am thankful for her.
Please talk to your lawyer about child support and please, try to get alimony. You deserve something too.
I am always here for you if you need me.
Love and lots of hugs!!
2:50 PM
i think you need to fight as much as you can. i wouldn't put it past your ex to one day try to convince his children that he wanted to provide for them, but that you didn't want anything. make sure there is no question that he abandoned his responsibilities.
mamab.
6:21 PM
As a child of a not fun divorce, this is what I say: my mom always made it clear that she got the most important, precious things out of the settlement: me, my brother, and sister. That being said, I know my dad did nothing to help us financially and my mom was so non-confrontational, it was really hard on us. She tried to keep us from knowing what a bum he was. I think there is a balance. Let your children know that you are so grateful that you have them, but that it is also someones responsiblity to take care of their children. You will obviously be providing for them on every level, and you expect the same from Hubbex. And I would use that angle for everyone involved: quran states ".......". Would he be able to fight that? Good luck! So proud of you!
9:09 PM
He has to pay, so go for it. It is his islamic duty, but he doesn't seem to worry about his children at all. Probably because he knows you will do your best, but still... see what you can do
11:31 PM
Safa,
I wouldn't advise you to go back to Egypt. You may end up staying there for good, if you will want to be close to your kids. Your husband is playing it dirty and I am affraid he might take your kids as "hostages". I know dads have rights over their kids too, but he might abuse that right to get back at you.
I would divorce him in Canada and demand child support there. If I understand correctly he still owns a business there, so he can be forced to pay one way or another. But please don't go to Egypt!
*hugz*
1:29 AM
Of course you shall fight him for support!
It's a sad state that women must fight to have their children's fathers pay, and many women come out of the emotional upheaval of divorce so tired that the next steps , the legal ones, the fiscal ones, a constant reminder and an enormous chore do not get the attention they put into the emotional upheaval of the divorce. Yes, you must, this fight is for your children.
To ensure their basic needs and to ensure they won't get a mom who is so overworked they hardly ever see her, so tired all the time she can't hear or see them out of tiredness and financial worry. Fight that state! How is the question.
Deal with Canada first of all, as you have started out.
Get your divorce. Then figure out as much as possible of the affairs of divorce and custody-issues between Canada and Egypt.
You might find out later down the road that a trip to Egypt might be needed, but it might not.
I would get on as many boards as possible and post the question "in disguise" and see if there are any other women who are/were in your position and if there is any advice to fish out online.
I would go to the embassy and ask them what info they can provide you with.
Do not worry about going to Egypt for the time being. Figure out first if it is to your and the children's advantage at all or if it will just risk yours and their safety and health.
Find out if the advantage is so good you should, or if you should deal with this from Canada for your safety.
I would stay safely put there for some time, healing from the emotions, stabilizing, firmly sending emails to the family and your ex with islamic content of his responsibility towards his children and possibly the penalty of disregaring such. Get holy on them!
There might be some tips and tricks in that link I keep shoving in your face. Your husband has anti-social personalitytraits and there are good advice there to deal with such individuals in the stage of divorce/custody-issues and in court.
Do the job, that is right up your alley. Chisel out the road in your paste and way. We are all rooting for justice for you and yours in our different ways.
4:59 AM
Safa can you hire an attorney in Egypt? Someone to work for you and your children? I would think you could handle everything either by e-mail or phone. Only if positively needed would I go to Egypt. He's not playing fair and will do anything to get you and the kids back to Egypt so he can manipulate everyone's mind. You are a smart woman and he is losing out.
6:09 AM
Excellent advice everyone....tks so much Rachel for telling me about your experience......I, too....try not to paint the childrens' father as a bum. And perhaps that is just left over from how I treated him in the marriage.....thanks for opening my eyes.
Now to you, Kafira!! Boy, you have some strategies here!! Why didn't I think about message boards and questions incognito?
I have seen a lawyer in Egypt while I was still there. And according to him....it would be easier to pull my own teeth than to try and get the gov't to support me in getting money from the hubbex.
So what I'm going to start doing now is joining message boards and lurking. And perhaps planning a nice long summer drive to Montreal to the embassy there.....
Thanks everyone...I knew you all could help!!
6:33 AM
if you were to go to Egypt to fight for custody, without the kids there, could the courts stipulate that the kids must be in Egypt to receive support? it's so sad, but it seems like you have a better chance of having the support of the canadian government than the egyptian one.
what are you plans if you don't get any regular money from him? will you have to find a job?
7:34 AM
Cos I am an internetsneak de-luxe and you are a sweet honest gal ;-)
After doing some research, I can not see that you should or could fight this from Egypt;
http://www.hrw.org/reports/2004/egypt1204/
A tip you might not want to take, but that I wish to give. Faithfreedom and Council of Exmuslims boards. There is a big chance there are ex-muslimahs who had to leave in similar circumstances. Any tip on how to best resolve this is valuable, regardless of the beliefs of the person giving it.
Hugs!
8:12 AM
I worked for a woman in Cairo who set the precendence for the largest divorce settlement ever received by an Egyptian woman. Of course, it did take a good attorney, but she got it. I would fight for it, but never at the expense of your sanity or the fabric of the family. What did you BIL say about hubbex living up to his obligations?
12:45 PM
I don't know Egyptian law, so I'm not much help.
I do however know some about Kuwaiti law..and it's definitely worth fighting for, if what I saw can happen in Egypt, even in a partial capacity. But do the children have to physically be there? That would be an issue..actually it would nullify everything.
But you WILL have to weigh stresses vs dollars - many times women have found that the stresses just aren't worth the small amounts coming in. And your children's inheritance is set irregardless - as adults they'll gain no matter what. Your oldest is almost there, and the baby since he's a boy is a given :P
As for taking care of yourself, I'd focus on college..on something you can tangibly bank on, insha Allah. Also it'll boost your own sense of self esteem and confidence as well as occupy your mind. Even if you just take it one course at a time, you'll know what you're working towards - and that has NOTHING to do with hubbex.
10:55 AM
I think you should work on getting whatever support you can from him but do it FROM Canada. In other words, get a lawyer who can work with a local in Egypt without you having to go there. In the worst case scenario if you MUST go there, do not take the children and arrange your return flight so that he cannot prevent you from leaving Egypt.
To be honest, though, the better you prepare yourself to be able to support them on your own, the better off you will be. I know it's hard but you can do it, sweetie.
Love you,
PM
1:03 PM
NO NO NO to going to Egypt.. either you or your minor children... for a long, long, long time, never mind how altruistic you feel about allowing him to be a father to his children who have already been neglected by him for years thus far. This is for your own and your childrens safety and well being.
Resolve Canadian divorce and child support issues first. After these have been settled to your satisfaction, then Egyptian issues should be handled by a local (egyptian) lawyer in liason with your lawyer here.
What his duty is Islamically or otherwise is moot. That is not enforceable for the most part. Do not set any stock by what he should do or should not do, by the rules of religion. It aint happening. Never has, in all my years of being proximity to cases like this.
I would not hold my breath about getting any money from him in Egypt, but there is absolutely no reason why you should not make his life there atleast slightly uncomfortable by tying him up in a legal tangle. Do it for your satisfaction, if not for actual monetory compensation and maintenance. Let him feel your pain. Make it complicated for him in his own territory... but only after things have been resolved to your satisfaction in the place that matters... where you and your children will be staying... Canada.
2:30 PM
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