a piece of my heart......
Where do I start?
Yesterday the Hubbex took the kids out. The oldest called him and made excuses as to why she's not going. Truth is.....she doesn't want to be around him. So he came and picked up the other kids and took them out. It was a long day.
Then at 8 pm, he dropped off the 11 yr old. She came in....upset....and tells me that the 5 yr old is sleeping, so her father will take the 13 yr old and her sister for another short drive. ??? Curious.
So I ask the 11yr old why she's upset. And she says that her father spent the entire time talking to the 13 yr old....saying many many bad words and only talking about me. He brought them to the park....and she asked her father over and over to push her on the swing. He kept telling her just a second. Talking to the 13 yr old. She waited and waited.....and finally went to play in the sand......he didn't notice.
She says that she doesn't want to go with her father again, because all he talks about is me. She loves me and doesn't want to hear any more bad things......it makes her sad.
~~~~
So it passes 9 pm. Anxious....I sit on the front steps......waiting for my daughters to come home. What's going on? I wonder what they are hatching........wonder if the 13 yr old is okay.......
Finally 9:20 pm, I see the van....my daughter gets out....looking happy.....she says her father wants to see his son. I send the baby out with her.....I'm relieved.....she looks fine.
After she gets herself together for school the next day.....we all sit down watching TV. I look over at her and see tears in her eyes. And then a little later.....tears again. Something is up. And inside myself.......I have an idea.......and it makes me sad.
So as she is getting ready for bed she looks at me with her beautiful, big brown eyes......and says with tears.....
Baba is leaving for Egypt very soon.
How soon?
He wants to leave this week.
Are you upset about this? Our whole lives it's been like this....him leaving us. When will he be back?
He says he'll be back in the summer. But there's something you don't understand.....
What? (And I look at her....searching her face....yes....this is it....she has something to say....)
I want to go back with him. He will buy the tickets but is just waiting for me to give him the final word.
I'm stunned.
posted by Safa at 6:39 AM
22 Comments:
Oh dear...she is daddy's little girl, isn't she? I don't know what to say. What sort of father works on convincing one child to leave his mother and siblings? *Shaking head* Were you able to talk her through the consequences of this? Should she go back her father might not be so happy to accommodate her if she changes her mind...oh, what a mess. This is, I suppose, what divorce is like (except for the fact that dad is trying to take only 1 child). While children sometimes have a preference for one parent over another in divorce, this is highly unorthodox on your hubbhole's part...and unethical.
7:33 AM
ys...... this is worse than anything that happened before.... my heart is with you.... I don't know what to say. More than ever, my du'a with you.
My child is with his father now, and although it is a long trip, I know when we will be back together and I know his father would not keep him from me. And still, it is like a piece of me is gone and nothing fills it.
She is just homesick of course (right?). I don't think she is really considering everything. What a sick man to turn her against as he obviously was doing the entire day. That is what my parents did to me, one more than the other. It's not fair! Don't stoop to it, no matter what Safa'. It's too much for a child. Oh my dear sister, stay strong.
Sorry for the rambling, but I really feel for you and hope you can convince her to stay.
Don't waste one second in talking to her... I know you don't want to create a situation where you are against one another, but I think as a last resort you have the power to stop it from happening, legally I mean. Of course, you do not want to pit yourself against your daughter. Perhaps it might be best if you gently informed her, as soon as possible and before she gets her heart completely set on it, that you have the right as her mother and guardian to have a say in what country she lives in, and to keep you until custody matters are settled. Sorry, once again, for rambling.
7:51 AM
WOW is this not good.
But i do have a suggestion. Tell her many next summer when he comes back she can stay with him as a test run. to see if he can be a good father, and take care of her like a mother. which men do not understand.
but you also need to tell her, if she goes that she may never be allowed to come back no matter what he is telling her now.
Good luck. you have my duas.
8:02 AM
please be careful Safa... who does she think is going to raise her? does she think hubbhole is going to be a stay at home dad? he'll have her move in with someone else. also, is there a possibility that hubbhole is using her... trying to get her to egypt, knowing that she'll miss you and the siblings but then only giving you the choice to go back to egypt with everyone or never seeing her again? i just don't trust him.
mamabear
8:56 AM
What I am thinking is this......I'm still working out how exactly I want to approach this.....but here it is.....
She can go live with her dad....YES.
She can go live with him in Egypt....NO. (custody papers have to be worked out first)
I will explain to her the consequences of her living with her father which include...
-not being raised beside her siblings
-when hubbex comes to pick up siblings-he leaves her with me (right?)
I do believe that she is terribly homesick......so going back to Egypt is ideal to her....even if to just go and reap the rewards....oh u know what I mean.....how the family will all be grilling her for info...everyone hugging her tight......it's a moment.....and it won't last.....and I pray that she's not thinking to sell off her family for that.....
Oh...get this....Hubhole told her that I'm a Kafira.....and when I heard that today....I just laughed.....that name is following me today....
9:47 AM
How long does she think he will be staying, before he has to come back and then leave her with others?
And i am sure once he has her he will never let her go. It will be a way to get you to come get her. then you are stuck again.
9:58 AM
Poor thing...she's 13, she's got a real connection w/ her dad...it's hard to talk reality w/ that raging hormone of a child. I think it is important that you actually sit down w/ dad and the kids to talk about this. This will require an in-depth conversation with your spouse alone. He's a coward, and he's trying to divide the family in hopes of forcing you to come back to him. Sit him down w/o the kids. Let him know in plain words that this marriage is over. Make it clear that the two of you must now work out custody, and that for the emotional wellness of the children that petty and dividing actions must be put aside. Here's my thoughts on Egyptian men: They can't handle confrontation. It scares them to have a real conversation that direct, to the point, and awkward. Once the two of you talk, it's best to sit down w/ the kids and tell them that you are, in fact, divorcing, and that you are working out custody issues. Divorce sucks. There's just no point in sugar coating it. It's important that they all hear that you both love them, and that you are working to make this as tolerable as possible, but we all lose. That's a hard lesson to learn so young, but there it is. You may be secretly hating your husband throughout this conversation, but you do need to force him to be a bigger man than he might be capable of. Right now they're being played. Don't take his bait on the kufira thing. Don't engage him in any conversation about what went wrong. This meeting that you and he need to have (ideally w/ a 3rd party to observe) must be strictly about handling the conversation w/ the kids. This oughta be his wake up call and your liberation.
10:15 AM
So, I'm cynical and I don't doubt that she is homesick it's just...I think it's all a trick. Him talking to her for so long. It's like he convinced her that if she says she will come to egypt you will not allow that and everyone will move back to egypt. Kind of like taking one of your children will make you come back. Maybe she is going along with it because she wants her family back together.
It just doesn't make sense to me that in the same sentence she says that he is always gone and unreliable she would also say she wants to go with him.
I just don't know what to say about that safa...
10:41 AM
I find this so disgusting and just more evidence that this man is excatly the creep we all think he is. You cannot let her go, and you have to be firm -- even when he is trying to make you the villain. Being a good parent means doing hard things that seem thankless at the time. You need to get her in therapy and let someone professional with an appropriate distance help her deal with her issues.
Have you served him with the papers yet? You MUST take some decisive steps forward, safa dear.
Love you,
PM
PS: He's dog-shit in my opinion and I DARE anyone to call me down on experessing my opinion. I know I am being a bad muslim but I'm being honest.
11:10 AM
SubhanAllah. He just keeps digging himself a deeper grave in the hellfires.
I'm so sorry that this is happening to you honey, inshAllah one day she will realize what kind of a man he really is.
Allah be with you habibty.
1:01 PM
He cannot be allowed unsupervised visitation anymore. Period.
Sadiyah
1:45 PM
I am at a loss for words. I really wish I had the chance to talk to you today. I will get a card in the next day or so and I will call you, Insha'Allah.
2:07 PM
I agree with Sadiyah, you have to get these visitations monitored if this is the stunts he is going to pull.
ASS!
I hate him. I really do, man Safa my fist is ready anytime..just tell me..
My heart aches for your 13 year old.. I could see that tension in her during my visit.. I dont know what to say... but that you are great mother and you will find the right way to approach her and be her mother.
S.
3:45 PM
I agree with Sadiyah---no more unsupervised visits. Your children are just that and too young to make such life changing decisions as where she can go. He has probbly made numerous promises that he won't fufill......remind her of his track record and that she and her siblings must stay together no matter which parent they are with.
3:53 PM
from w hat u say...the 13 year old already had a bond w/ the father.
guys lets not make this all out to be completely the guy's fault. LISTEN, sometimes DAUGHTERS need a FATHER. its a need. even if the father isn't perfect. sometimes in the girl's mind...he is.
I kind of think you should explain to her the consequences but let her learn on her own. and let her make the decision.
I do think yes that it is smart that you do the custody stuff first before sending her off anywhere. However, I say this. Don't hold on to her. She might want to wriggle out even more.
And if alot of what he is doing is just talking behind your back to the kids, I don't know if its even appropriate to have him see the kids. He should be dealing w/ his own issues.
It kind of seems like he wants to run away again from you guys. Strange man. Now he thinks of going back to egypt. how laughable.
7:24 PM
i kind of think its hard for anyone to force safa's kids to think of her as the villian. in my opinion.
i mean any sane kid will see that their daddy simply wasn't there. preferred his other wife. in t heir hearts of hearts they'll wonder what was it that kept daddy away. Yes they can be manipulated into thinking oh it was all cuz of mommy. uh yeh sure but what about hte kids. why didnt he ever call them?
c'mon now. a guy who hasnt realy even raised 'em cannot convince them that much. the mother has more power in this case.
7:27 PM
safa, from the viewpoint of someone who's been in your daughter's place...let her go with him.
this will happen:
he will spoil her for a short period, trying to buy her love and loyalty, then realize 24/7 parenthood does take his time from being a husband (to whomever) -- considering that she's daddy's girl she will feel very possessive towards him and will definitely get on the way when he tries to look for a wife -- to make his life easier, he will dump her at relatives and spend large amounts of money on gifts to compensate for his absence.
obs: been there, done that.
10:54 PM
I agree with Lufara.
BUT they should maybe first try in canada, Egypt is really far and if she is unhappy what will she do is she is all alone...
The only way your dd will realise that staying with you is best is by staying with her daddy for a while(just make sure the papers are in order). The bad thing is that she will get really hurt in the process.
2:33 AM
Dearest Safa,
I can't give advice on allowing her to go to Egypt. Many questions are surfacing while I type this? Is he taking his other wife to live in your Villa in Egypt? Will this other wife co-parent your daughter? When he goes to work, and he must go to work, who is going to be there for her? I assume he has all this planned out in horrid form. Are you absolutely sure you can get her back if she goes to Egypt? If you all go back, are you absolutely sure you would be allowed to leave with your precious five in toe? Allah will give you answers. Take it slow and think and re-think before you make a decision that may not be overturned. I am happy you got the bunk-beds cheaper than you anticipated. So many of us, would love to give him a piece of our minds. Give me 10 minutes in person or over the phone. I could breathe easier, when I got done with him, the slithering snake!
Amira
8:43 AM
I don't think splitting up the kids is an option. PM is right about having to make tough (and often unpopular) decisions as a parent. Yes, she may resent you for a long time to come. Still, it's no secret that your hubbole is just not suited to be a full-time parent. I still think it's important that the kids don't feel that they're in a tug-o-war. I'm tellin' ya, Safa: Call this man out and force him to be a better father. Shameful what he's done in dividing the children...
8:47 AM
I agree with Sadiyah. What he is doing on his unsupervised visits is unhealthy for your 13 year old not to mention the 11 year old who is being ignored and subjected to his abusive language. He is manipulating your 13 year old and that amounts to abuse.
What is she going to do if he brings MM to Egypt and has her live with them, or even in Canada? It makes me shudder to think of it. I'm glad you won't let her go to Egypt permanently at least.
I also wonder, after all these years in Canada, what is so pressing for him to go back to Egypt now? He was never there before. . .
7:32 PM
As Salaamu Alaikum Sister Safa:
I agree with PM and some of the other sisters.
Safa, you are the adult; she and the other kids are children. You as the adult are the one to make decisions for them.
You must work out custody/visitation with their father. Continuing to include them on adult decisions and putting them in the middle is not healthy.
Love and Salaams
Safiyyah
7:17 PM
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