ramblings....
When I was in Egypt thinking about coming back to Canada...I looked forward to seeing squirrels. I was thinking that the girls would love them and perhaps we'd get some peanuts and feed them. Wouldn't that be fun? But since I've been here, it isn't squirrels that I'm seeing a lot of.....its rabbits. What is up with that?
They've left tracks all over my backyard and I've seen them hopping across the street. I regularly see one rabbit at about 6 am from my front window and most surprisingly of all....I saw one at the foodbank! It was hiding behind some bushes. It makes me smile, seeing those rabbits.......
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I have all the kids in school now, alhamdulillah. I can feel life trying to slow down for me too. It seems that all my focus now is on trying to make ends meet......and that's great.
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On Sunday the Hubbex called and wanted to see the kids......in two hours.....(thanks for the short notice)......I agreed. They went out with him for the whole day. I've told him where we live. His hands are tied now, because I've left a HUGE papertrail and I've started the custody. The lawyer wants me to serve him with some papers.....and I'm so nervous.....I won't be able to do it. Since I've been in Canada, I've only talked to Hubbex twice and both times have not gone well. So I will not talk with him anymore. He has to re evaluate things.
I've really wanted to talk to you about a friend of his, a sheikh, who has been calling me trying to get me to reconciliate. This sheikh goes on and on about how the Hubbex has changed. He says that although the Hubbex is still married....that he will divorce her if we come back to him and agree to go to Egypt. (isn't that getting old??) I told the Sheikh that the problems in my marriage don't have much to do with MM.
He went on and on.....and you know what? Talking with people who keep encouraging me to go back to my husband just get me down. Way down. How can you tell an abused woman to go back to the abuse cuz that's better for the children? Would your mother tell you that?
I sat and listened to two sisters who tried very hard to convince me of the evils of Canada....(both of whom have no intention of leaving here)......tell me about a woman who was married to a violent, polygamous husband and suffered much at the hands of her husband, yet still stayed with him as a trial from Allah. They told me...."you think you have it bad...." And when they finished...I said to them...."so are you proud of this woman? What does her staying with her husband have to do with our religion?" And became very sad.
Why do muslim imams and sheikhs tell the women to be patient? Do they realize that at one point, a person will lose their mind? They will become depressed? They will become a shadow of their former self while remaining "patient"? Is that living?? I mean....I'm all for patience.....because I gave my husband 2 years of patience. The first year I gave willingly...the second year was forced by Allah because I was pregnant.
Now I'm not for trying to break up families......but I think that if a woman is seriously having complications in her marriage that it is our role as muslims to listen to our sisters and advise them. And if it means telling her......either you put up with it, or leave........then it HAS TO BE SAID!
Remember PM telling me to either S**T or get off the pot? Didn't she say just that? Stop feeling sorry for you. Stop downplaying the situation. Look the ugly monster in the eyes and make a decision. At one point, you have to cross the line.
I look forward to becoming active in the muslim community here again.....but I don't think they are ready for the new me. It's not about being submissive that I'll be preaching.....but rather being independant and smart.
In fact.....I was thinking that I will be like the rabbits that I keep seeing. I'll sneak up on my muslim sisters....they'll be surprised to see me and I'll take off fast before anyone catches me! LOLOL!!
(BTW, I wore jeans again and the poncho (CG) with a matching burgundy scarf. Plus size but well put together. It felt good....especially since I managed to keep the jeans in one piece this time.....LOLOL!!!)
posted by Safa at 7:29 AM
23 Comments:
as salam aleikum.
I agree. All the focus is on *you* and what *you* are doing, and what *your* behavior is. This needs to stop in our community.
Somebody who has changed does not leave you without money and yell insults at you at his first opportunity. WHY are you supposed to think he has changed? Because he's mad and upset? "He's mad and upset about what you did so now he feels forced to be a better husband in order to make you come back to him... He's really, really changed." Aww.... what a sweet change. Pfft...
PS I'll be in Canada on June 11th, insha allah. I'm traveling through Montreal. Who knows, maybe someday I'll make it to Toronto.
Maybe I'm ignorant, but as a person who lives in the US, I am looking forward to it, and think it is preferable to raise my children in Canada than in the US. I think the case can quite easily be made, although again I am not an expert, that the prevalent happenings in Egyptian society are not the best either. At least we can walk down the street in the West without being groped or gestured to!
9:52 AM
Assalam O alaikum,
Dear safa,
Tell those women who tried to convenice to go back to your hubbex that woman who has been putting up with her husband InshaAllah she will get her reward, and InshaAllah you will get your reward for doing the right and best thing for your children. Tell them ALLAH KNOWS BEST AND TELL HIM THE BEST OF THE JUDGE.
11:56 AM
And one more thing if your Muslim sister in canada has objection of being New you, let them be. Remember Allah is always with you. YOU ARE NEVER ALONE.
11:58 AM
so true about the groping Safiyyah....sigh!
Seema.....I am never alone.....tks for that....
12:28 PM
Safa, i am glad to read you are doing this well. Mashallah , how brave you are! Have faith, keep your intentions good, and a whole new world of happiness will reveal itself to you.
love youuuuu! even though we never met!
1:27 PM
I love you, babe. You continue to impress me, maash'Allah.
You need to start setting some limits and let people know you will not be entertaining visits with anyone who doesn't respect your rights and your decision.
This Muslim world is ailing and we won't cure it by telling each other not to take the medicine that could cure us. Our men have twisted our religion for their own selfishness and greed -- and some of our women are enabling them. We need to demand that these men get back on the right track or we will move forward without them.
You have moved forward. Your ex can get himself back on the right path for the sake of Allah, but must accept that it will not be for your sake anymore. He lost that chance.
Let me know how I can help you.
Love,
PM
4:15 PM
I am glad things are going well for you and your kids. The new you is great! It's amazing how they think you did all this but will now listen to his promises? And Canada is so bad so why are they there? Things that make ya go "I don't think so"!
Stay focused on what is best for you and your kids. We're all proud of ya.
Hugs!
Anisah
4:41 PM
Safa, make sure you are being assertive enough when you tell them that you gave this guy every chance, and really at this point, if they want to talk to anyone, it is HIM, and not YOU. And tell THEM all you wrote here: in a nice polite way, but say it to THEM.
Because I'm definitely not a feminist but this is not fair to you..what they're saying.
This is insanity. He's neither been a father to them nor a husband to you, simply a bankaccount. Well, its better to get a bankaccount of your own and be out from the shadow of this person and be independent.
8:33 PM
I don't think your STBEX has changed at all. He has been telling everyone he will do anything and everything to get you back, not because he really wants to, but so he can look good in the eyes of the rest of the world. Imagine what they will say... he was willing to do everything to save his marriage, she was too stubborn...
So typical.
I have heard the same comments you have about women staying in abusive marriages because it is not as bad as someone else's abusive marriage and that really sucks. Basically in the community I live in, if a marriage fails, the wife is to blame. The husband never does anything wrong, even when abusive.
Rather surround yourself with positive, supporting people than having to deal with the narrow-minded individuals.
11:21 PM
I am just so darned curious how this sheikh knows the workings of your husbands emotional life and how it has been and now is.
Were they married too?
Nah, that can't be it, he would then be a rather annoyed sheik who had no clue what goes on in your ex' mind and would not hand out such superficial and irresponsible advice.
Men in their worlds! They should be locked up for own and our safetey and always be strapped up to a polygraph with electric shock-option when they open their mouths....
5:08 AM
Anonymous....I've told them all that I've said here....slowly and pronouncing every letter as if english is my second language.....I've been very clear.
You know what Solace? Nothing has changed at all. And for him to go on and on about how he's willing to do anything....well...what has he done? He dropped off $51 worth of groceries last time he brought the kids back. Ya....$51. Everyone says he's waiting for me to tell him what I want......such BS!
Tks for the great idea of electric shock, Kafira........I think that deserves some mention here!
8:16 AM
was he kind enough to leave the receipt with the groceries so you know how much his "favor" cost?
9:28 AM
Safa: Do not start second guessing yourself - you have done what is 'right' - you were patient - I do not believe that Allah condones abuse of any kind - and your STBEX is trying hard to cover his very bare @$$ - you continue doing what is best for you and your children and Allah will look after the rest - you are now finding out who your 'true' friends are - they are the ones that are there to support you - not judge you. Keep on truckin' lady - you are awesome and don't you ever forget it. Love ya - miss ya. TTFN
2:50 AM
Sometimes because perhaps some men are sO UNfair and SUCH idiots, we paint them all with the same brush. thats not fair and it would sound super mysogynistic if a man did that towards women cuz of women he'd had bad experiences with.
So lets keep the 'men are all crazy' rhetoric down to a minimum can we? Because there ARE good men out there. And we all know that. Some of us in fact know them and live with them. but not all of us are blogging about them.
So let's just be fair. Allah is fair..in the Quran when he qualifies his statements about groups of people. And Allah knows best.
5:16 AM
At this moment in my life, Anon.....I'm agreeing with the "all men are crazy". And I think that people here are just reflecting that to me.......
We all know that there are needles in a haytack, diamonds in the rough....and good apples.......
Besides the joshing about it.....I will say...as I've said before.....that for quite a long period of my marriage....my husband was a good husband. He was concerned about us, he worked hard....and he was dedicated.
Yes, there is the possibility that he was always controlling....and I suppose it really isn't a possibility....it's true.
But somehow when you have a person with their negativities and some really GREAT positives......you can overlook the "little stuff".
Our problems started when the balance shifted..........
6:33 AM
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7:47 AM
You seem very proud of yourself Kafira. I know what you say is true, for the most part. That doesn't mean I find you any less sickening. But... it's not for me to judge. You have your life, I have mine. I think you are a good warning to all of us. We should know what kind of individuals are out there in the world, and we should know what kind of an individual each and every one of us could be or could become if we hadn't had some mercy shown on us. Anyway, there is always hope for you, until your last breath.
7:19 PM
Dear, I am as proud to be a kafira as you are to be a muslimah I suppose.
I am not ashamed of my life. I have lived hard and a lot, and learned great and petty lessons.
If you think the world of muslims is very much diffirent then that of non muslims, well, there is just as much "sickening" behavior in the muslim world as in the non-muslim world.
Hidden away behind family doors, problems shushed down under the concept of gheebah and segregation of gender so that women and men do not know to the full extent of what is going on in each others worlds.
We are merely not concerned with hiding out faults, we crack them open and talk about them, try to learn from it and rectify if we feel the need to.
We are all just humans and share the same desires and psyche in life, muslims and non-muslims alike.
I am not sorry if I have offended you, I am however sorry for you that you do not see the value of life's lessons shared, although it is not the life you chose.
There is hope for you too, until
y o u r last breath...
2:47 AM
"The lawyer wants me to serve him with some papers.....and I'm so nervous.....I won't be able to do it."
Oh, yes you can! Look what you've done so far? Give him the damn papers and walk away. You've done so much, Safa, that this 30 second exchange should seem like child's play, you brave, brave woman.
10:34 AM
Kafira,
First off, this is Safa's blog. She is going through major changes in her life. Be respectful and not petty.
For some reason; I, feel as though; you, are deluding yourself.
Women such as yourself, seem to have self-esteem issues. I gathered from your long response you have difficulties in relationships‘. Married twice and numerous relationships‘. Are you employed currently and you didn't state which university you graduated from? From what you stated, you spend a lot of time online. I do enjoy the bogs I generally check weekly. I am far to busy with work and children to play online. None the less; I, have read about men/women where they seem to have issues with addiction in the form of their on pc. I am curious do you actually date in real time in your community?
Safa, I want to apologize to you. I felt I needed to respond.
Amira
2:59 PM
Kafira,
First off, this is Safa's blog. She is going through major changes in her life. Be respectful and not petty.
For some reason; I, feel as though; you, are deluding yourself.
Women such as yourself, seem to have self-esteem issues. I gathered from your long response you have difficulties in relationships‘. Married twice and numerous relationships‘. Are you employed currently and you didn't state which university you graduated from? From what you stated, you spend a lot of time online. I do enjoy the bogs I generally check weekly. I am far to busy with work and children to play online. None the less; I, have read about men/women where they seem to have issues with addiction in the form of their on pc. I am curious do you actually date in real time in your community?
Safa, I want to apologize to you. I felt I needed to respond.
Amira
2:59 PM
I'm convert and had my share of problems with men, so if you want to think I'm naive because it makes you feel better about yourself, you'd be disappointed. I have self respect, though, which you seem to lack. Like Amira said, I think you have self esteem issues. I have known ladies such as yourself. I refuse to have anything to do with your kind, but I recognize and feel sorry that you find your self worth in feeling that you are taking men away from their women, that you are somehow deceiving them or getting one over on them, on feeling that you have something they lack which makes the men flock to you. In reality, you are the one who is deceived, because what are you and who are you? You are nothing but used goods, used and tossed away, alone and for good reason. You don't have security because you did not give it. I pity you, but what you have is exactly what you deserve. So be proud of yourself, I don't see what that can mean when you so obviously mask your vulnerabilities that have led you to the life you are leading. Whatever you are is for yourself, and does not affect me, as you must think it does since you took the time to answer me. You are nothing to me but a sad human being.
I'm sorry, Safa, for taking these comments away from your situation. The disgusting cold heartedness of this woman, I felt, needed to be addressed. I know Safa, that you are older and wiser than me, and perhaps it is foolish to engage, but I know the feeling I felt when I read that, and I didn't feel it should be unanswered.
7:00 PM
Been sick, respecting Safas blog and leaving you ladies to it. :-)
2:05 AM
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