The meeting
After careful consideration.....I agreed to let the Hubbex see the kids. We met up at a neutral friends house. I arrived at 10 am and he didnt' show up until some time after 1 pm. It was a whole day affair and we didn't end up going home until 12 midnight. Long day.
And even tho we were in the same house....I didn't see him and I didn't talk to him. I don't even know what he was wearing.
I was concerned that he would try something.....but there were enough people around that it was impossible. He brought lots of candy for the kids and one of my daughters gave me two tins of pastilles and told me that Baba said they were for me. Ya........sure.
After dinner, the friends wife and the BIL asked if they could come talk to me. You won't believe the questions they asked me.....
"When is the soonest you'd be willing to return to Egypt?"
"If Hubbex promises to divorce the other woman would you be willing to return to him?"
Oh yeah....lots more like that. Seems like the deal is........Hubbex is willing to divorce the other wife......in fact.....he's offering to divorce her JUST when he's leaving to go to the airport to return to Egypt with us. LOL!
I calmly told the friends.........the bulk of my marital problems have nothing to do with the other wife. What a joke!
I also told them.....I'm not going to Egypt any time soon.
As well......I said......I seriously doubt that my marriage can be fixed......and was THISCLOSE to just saying everything I wanted to......but no......it wasn't the time. I wanted the kids to see their father and that was it.
So it was done. He saw them. And I WON"T be willing to do that again. I have an appt with the lawyer on Monday to start custody proceedings........
~~~~~
In the meantime......the 13 yr old is sick.....it's like her body is strewn with infection....and any minor cut or scrape gets infected immediately.......such a huge snowstorm today we can't go to the DR's.
The 11 yr old has a fever.......no other symptoms......I gave her tylenol.......and made chicken soup......
The baby has been pulling/scratching his ear all day yesterday......when I looked at it.....(praying that it isn't an ear infection).....I found that he has a rash.....some sort of allergic reaction......so I've given him an antihistamine.......and he's improving......
And me? cough! cough!
~~~~~
The worst thing tho.....subhanAllah, ya RAB! The house that I am living at isn't the greatest......we keep to ourselves and clean up after ourselves......but still.....sigh. The owner of the house had a big talk with my mother today.......he's asked us to leave. ASAP. He will even write a letter for us to get out as soon as possible. I will bring this letter to the housing authority and upgrade my status to almost homeless. It's almost too much to deal with. But I'm thinking that if the housing authority says that it will still take a while to place us.....I will try to rent a house or apt.
And the reason he wants us to leave? He can't handle his 2 1/2 yr old son. The little boy likes playing with my 4 yr old....but the kid is violent.....so I keep the interaction to a minimum. The man sits on the internet ALL DAY....usually having 3 Yahoo conversations open at the same time.....his wife is at work.....and his son watches tv all day. In between yelling and screaming...pulling my daughters' hair....... So you can see why I keep her upstairs.......so at least the father has found an excuse for his son's behaviour.....oh it has nothing to do with his lack of supervision and the internet......it's my fault.....so we have to go.
And again....I knew it would be rough.......so I'm going to rise above this......somehow.....ya Rab!
posted by Safa at 3:19 PM
34 Comments:
Asalaam alaikum Safa,
I am happy that your wonderful kids saw their father, that was a very positive move, and I am sure they got a huge benefit from that.
It's good to know that you are holding up. InshaAllah, I hope the housing situation smooths over, and I will make du'a for you and your gang about it. What a lame reason to ask you to leave though -really. Allahu alim.
What a fighter you are sis, it is clear that you are serious about this emancipation from your "hubbex." (I love all the cyber terms I have come across on your blog - like STBEX and stuff. Humorous!). May Allah always show you a way onto the straight path in all of the decisions you make now and in your lifetime, inshaAllah.
4:59 PM
So if everything happens for reason, perhaps this "eviction" is what's needed to get you and the kids into permanent housing and on the path to normalcy.
Was hubbex (love this, BTW) meant to be there at 10:00, too? I get the sense that this man wants his family back, just not his wife in particular. I've always sorta wished that one day he would wake up remorseful, apologetic, and desperate to have you, his wife and the mother of his children, back in his life. Love to you, Safa.
5:22 PM
Yeah what was his excuse for that. I didn't know that he had returned to Canada. I think he wants to snatch and grab the kids. Keep them close and don't let them out of your sight. There is a little trick that is kind of down and dirty and that is a restraining order. So if he did a snatch and grab you would be able to intercept him at the airport and press charges. Right now though legally the children are public domain. So be careful. Learned that the hard way.
Yeah if he were serious about getting you back he would have done some things differently. There would have been different things he would have said. He would have made sure you had everything that you needed. Instead he is trying to starve you out so that you will run back to him.
I remember when my first marriage dissolved I made sure that she had everything that she needed. I even gave her $1200 a month because she went and got herself into a house that she couldn't afford. I don't know what she was thinking. I gave her all the space that she needed and made it as easy on her as possible. So if she really wanted the marriage she could have come back any time, but she chose not to and I was fine with that.
His sorrow will begin when the magnitude of his actions are made apparent to him. Be sure to let us know what you need. Please keep us informed because I'm sure the millions of us that read your blog will hopefully not leave you out in the Canadian cold. Can you go to your Mom's at all?
I continue to pray for you Safa. With every difficulty comes ease.
5:48 PM
It was nice of you to let him see the children but I know you did it for them........not him. I've been there.
Sorry to hear about all the sickness. Sounds like you are all due for a visit to the doctor. Hopefully when you get out and don't have to stay holed up in close quarters all the time, things will get better. And Spring is just around the corner! Yay!
Now, about that whole going back to Egypt thing....will anyone ever understand what he's thinking? Or has thought? Men see things so different from women, we already know this. And I've gotten pretty good at figuring out their thought processes sometimes when they are definately not "where I am" in their thinking. But for the life of me, I can't figure your Hubbex (love that) out.
Insha Allah he will get himself on the right path and at least be a good father to the kids.
I know you are struggling. We all knew this would be hard for you in a lot of ways but you are strong. You'll get through it and Allah will give you so much better than what you have had.
I love you Safa,
5:48 PM
I hope that insh'allah your able to crawl out of this situation with your hubby smoothly. I hope it never has to come to you somehow being convinced to go back to egypt in the same conditions you were living in before, even though it was comfortable financially.
Also, I don't know if its just the way you are expressing it to us or what, but I hope when people are questioning YOU about it, that you QUESTION THEM instead, because you don't need to be giving them answers. Ask them : what is his excuse for not calling, being there or giving you all any fair time or treatment?
You have the right to leave after several years of patience w/ this nonsense of unfair treatment. And that if he really cared, he would have provided for his kids in Canada. Instead, like you said he's left the burden on you to starve you out, or God knows for what reason. That alone shows the sickness and the insincerity or the games being planned. I don't even understand subhanallah.
I mean if the man doesnt care about you .. fine..but what about his kids? I mean im sure he figured out the kids are sick, unless he didn't tell them..i mean does he care how they're living, did he give them money? i mean a caring father will make sure his kids are taken care of. but this is sickening. really sickening.
8:31 PM
Salaam Alaikum sweetie,
Please get your daughter checked out for the MRSA virus. If she harbors it in her body -- and this is more common than you would think -- she will break into infection easily, especially skin infections.
Still no money from him? Doesn't sound like a man who is making a good faith attempt to take care of his kids....
Love you, Babe,
PM
8:27 AM
I showed up at 10 am and told the friends to tell him to come some time after 12 noon. I didn't want to bump into him at the door, u know?
Part of Hubbex's reasoning for me to go back to Egypt, prolly has to do with the fact that he's in a better position to take care of us......but I think the BULK of his reasoning actually has to do with the fact that he's in a better position to CONTROL us. Not giving us money right now is probably only to try and prove he can't afford to help.....(so we'll hurry up and go back)
I need to take a hardline with the questions....thanks for pointing that out. I'm going to work on that.....
As far as custody...I'm starting that on Monday.....
I'm not going back to Egypt any time soon....
9:29 AM
He left for Canada on Jan 31.....he left before me.
Will check for that MRSA virus......we are snowed in today.....so hopefully will make it to the DR's tomorrow.....
9:30 AM
Safa,
Talk to the legal aid (or equivalent in Canada) about how much time your landlord has to give you to move out. I'm sure he has to give you a certain amount of time, then maybe even take you to court to get you out.
Oh someone shared this link to the Ontario Residential Tenancies Act: http://www.e-laws.gov.on.ca/html/statutes/english/elaws_statutes_06r17_e.htm
I hope it helps. Stay strong habibti!
Anisah
11:43 AM
Safa, u are a wonderful mom to arrange a meeting w/ your kids and STBEX. I'm sure it was very scary for you to wonder what he would try to do.
I don't know if CA has any protections in place to prevent parental abductions (the US does),but maybe at the very least you should hide your kids' passports so that if STBEX does try something, he can't take them out of the country. (Although, I'm sure given their ages, they wouldn't go with him anyway...).
I hope you find a better living arrangement soon. I will be praying for ur family's continued safety.
Mamabear
12:16 PM
OK, I am all caught up now, and all I can say is wow. Subhanallah. May allah keep you and the children safe and bring you to the right place.
1:04 PM
I love your positive attitude. It will make things so much easier for you.
May Allah grant your children Shifa, Insha'Allah.
You and your children are in my duas, always.
1:44 PM
You are a wonderful mother Safa, for letting them see their father. I know its hard, been there, but believe me, its better to let them see him. Stay stong in your answers and answer a question with a question, get your answers. We are ALL behind you and the kids Safa.
3:50 PM
Passports are sitting safely in a safety deposit box.....I swallowed the key.....
5:22 PM
OK, I've been thinking about it more.... how can anyone expect a woman to go back to a man that has lied to her? Lying alone, really, is enough, I think. When the person you are supposed to be closest to lies to you, it wreaks havoc on your psyche, and that's it. You can never trust them. (my ex was a cheater, and he lied about every minute detail of his life, even when he didn't have to...) Especially considering how he tried to control you and make it difficult for you to get away from him, which you had every right to do...
I was really shocked to see how quikly and efficiently you got away. Alhamdulilah, it's really wonderful. I know you are not in the most ideal situation right now, but I'm sure if you keep working and sit tight, everything will be fine in no time. Canada is.... cool. :D
5:36 PM
One more thing... I know I am mean, but wouldn't it be so great if MM knew how many times he offered to divorce her?
5:39 PM
Safa,
Dsperate men grabble when they are losing control. I am so thankful your in Canada. At least, in Canada, you are on an equal playing field. I don't trust him Safa. He and his family in Egypt upon your arrival in Egypt if that wr to ever happen would be the detrment of you and the kids safety. He is all about decept and lies. A slithering snake is dangrous. Be carful. I am concrned. You hav no say when your are in Egypt; please don't go back. You would never get out of there safe again.
8:02 PM
::::LOVE::::
10:48 PM
Safa - stand your ground - do not lose sight of the end goal. Your 13 year old (and you) may be manifesting signs of major stress - getting into counselling will be great for all of you. Know that you are never alone - Allah is always with you. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
11:00 PM
Safiyyah just curious why it would be so great for MM to know that little detail? I don't like her more than the next person, but the blame lies with safa's husband. He was married to safa not MM. When people want to be with someone and are given a way(polygamy) they will jump on it. Technically, she's his wife no matter how bad her behavior is.
I've said it time and time again and I will say it one more time. I feel for safa, for the pain and injustice that she has been given. I support her in WHATEVER decisions she makes for herself and her children, BUT I do not wish her husband's bad behavior on anyone....not even MM.
and to safa: you hang in there dear. We are behind you. Loving you and supporting you all the way.
4:49 AM
OK, yeah, I understand. I feel bad for her too. I don't want to go into why I think she deserves it, if you've read the blog then you know... I am just tired of women that think it only goes one way (the pain, mistreatment), or who only want it to go one way, who don't care what happens to the other woman as long as they got theirs. It goes both ways, honey... Anyway, for her own good, she should know what kind of man she has.... she'll find out eventually.
6:07 AM
Safa, I hope you have found some help for your housing situation.
Chickpea love told me she sent an email for an invite, could she get one please? She wanted to know how you were doing.
Hugs!
Anisah
11:27 AM
Thank you for letting me read your blog :)
4:28 PM
As Salaamu Alaikum Dear Safa:
I'm chiming in here late, everyone has given you good feedback, Alhamdulillah.
One of the reasons you all may be sick is due to the change in environment, you know - less immunity to new germs. Allahu Alim.
And I agree 100% about the kids. If he snatches them it may be very very difficult to get them back. An international headache. Be careful dear.
Love and Salaams
Safiyyah
5:00 PM
You know saffiyah...I don't blame you for wondering if MM knows how many times he offered to divorce her. And although I agree that it's really the hubbex to be blamed.....I also wonder how much truth does MM know?
The Hubbex plays us both....how do I know what truths he's been telling me? He's been telling me for two years that MM is almost a thorn in his side....he's only helping her...blah blah.....and when I find the text messages they'd make a romantic man cry with the longing in them......
But does she think I was always okay with things? I wonder how much truth was on her side? Maybe one day I'll go meet her and find out just what was going on?? That would be interesting......Any blue moons expected this year???
I sent Chickpea an invite....
Today I'm going house hunting....I need to find a place to rent ASAP.....and Egian......ur comment just made me cry......finally...tears fell......love you to pieces....
7:37 AM
My love and thoughts are with you.
I hope your kidlings are doing better inshAllah.
The moment I heard that he offered to divorce her only at the airport it screamed of scam.
I'm glad you're not going to accept it. And I agree that he's never done anything to show that he deserves you, and now its a lot too late.
Love for you dearest safa, you are in my thoughts always.
8:59 AM
This comment has been removed by the author.
8:59 AM
don't know why the comment doubled...
9:00 AM
Safa,
One day, Safa it may help you, to contact MM in person. If your stbx, was made know, of the planned meeting, he would sabotage the whole thing. He has been such a slithering snake to you for so long. Knowing what was told to MM would prove how much of a snake he is and will never change. May Allah guide you and protect you and your precious children.
Amira
12:39 PM
I know, eh Molly? Divorce her at the airport? What the heck does she have on him?
7:26 AM
As Salaamu Alaikum Safa:
It appears that there are two Safiyyahs on here. Just wanted to mention it so the comments don't become confused.
Love and hugs,
Safiyyah - Shaalom2Salaam
10:03 PM
Just sending warm wishes and happy thoughts your way. Insha Allah, I hope things are moving forward easily. Did you find a place yet? And how'd the appt with the lawyer go?
10:43 AM
Thanks Safa. I hope your housing search is successful.
Hugs!
Anisah
7:32 AM
Thanks for the invitation to read your blog. But I just don't know what to say, except a big Hamdullillah for you and the kids!
I'm so happy you made it to Canada.
Safa you are a great person. Hold on strong, we pray for you!
dutch Maryam
12:16 PM
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