Daring to Discipline......
I haven't talked to the STBEx for a week now. He called us the day we came home from Cairo. That was Saturday night. But we hadn't made it home yet....so he left a message on the answering machine. He didn't sound too good. He never called back.
Until today.......
As much as I tried to be normal on the phone....the conversation was strained......he starts off......
him: Do you remember what I said to you the last time we talked?
me: You told me take care of the kids....(I cover my mouth to supress a giggle....I KNOW this isn't the answer he wants...)
him: Yes....but besides that? Do you remember what I specifically told u?
me: What are you getting at?
him: Okay, u don't want to play it this way? Well, I told you NOT TO GO OUT OF THE HOUSE! (insert significant pause here)
and then he monologues it.....
I called you just when you came back from City Stars and I told u not to go out!
And what did you do? (rhetorical, I stay silent)
You took the kids the very next day and went to the club. (pause)
And the day after that? (pause again)
You took the kids and went to my brothers house. (pregnant pause)
What do you have to say to that? (seething pause...)
What do you think that makes me look like? What do you have to say? (insistent asshole!)
I breathe....count to ten......and I frustratingly ask him....
What do you want me to say?
him: What do I want you to say? (good tactic for stalling) What do I want you to say?
Nothing. I want you to say nothing.
me: okay
him: okay, okay. (pause) Okay....assalaamu alaikum.
me: wa alaykumus salaam.
~~~~~~~
OMG. O M G!! I just don't even LIKE him. Oh there was a bit more of BS from him. But this was unreal. Oh yeah....Happy Valentines to you too.....
posted by Safa at 1:09 PM
28 Comments:
what does that make him look like? the scum-sucking asshole that he is.
thats what he looks like.
@#^! grrrrrrrrr
4:46 PM
okay so i'm gonna be the party pooper and say that generally speaking *note I said generally* the woman has to do what the husband says...but you know there are limits. there will be those who say that if your husband tells you to hop on one foot you better run to the living room and start hopping. personally, i think there has to be an understanding between a husband and a wife. life is not all about forcing your "rights" upon others. it's about asking and then the person choosing or not to do it, and if you really think the person is disobedient then they will get theirs on the judgement day...you can't move beyond that and you cant force someone to do what you want. phew
what really boggles my mind is whats all the sudden need for control about? i thought before you had an understanding that you can move alone as you see fit while you are in egypt. i dont know how a man can order you to stay in the house when he is not even there to tend to his families' needs. you are it! did he tell u this before he went back to canada and what's up with the change?
i'm not sure if this specifically makes him look like a scum sucking asshole...other things maybe but this? i dont know
5:55 PM
don't leave the house?? hahahahahaha... NOT! you go girl!
mamabear
6:01 PM
He told me not to leave the house after he called and I told him I took the kids to City Stars. And yes, we did have an understanding about me taking the kids out. But since the divorce in the summer, he wants me planted inside the 4 walls. I don't agree.
And generally....I always listen to him. But you hit it RIGHT ON when you said "forcing ur rights" on others.
And I told him that I had his two nieces with me for that week......and the reason I went to his brothers was to drive them home.
U know Ummabdurrahman........our relationship is WELL past the point of being nice to each other.......
9:04 PM
OMG! You refer to him as STBEx now! That is so great!
Safa...being obedient and being a prisoner should not be the same thing.
Hope to catch you online so we can talk because i think i figured what is the magic in MM...
9:27 PM
WTH? This mutha has lost his mind!
Stay confined to the house? I don't know one person that could honestly stay locked up like that without going crazy.
UGHHH!!!!!! I just can't get over it. Trying to keep u locked in the dark, as if he is gonna be your wonderful ray of sunshine when he calls or comes home. What the hell ever.
10:07 PM
Ray of sunshine? LOLOLOL!!
Oh jeez....if you call a man who belittles you when he finally talks to you, when he brings darkness to the house when he steps in, when he doesn't sleep with you, when he tells ur kids bad things about u....then RAY OF SUNSHINE???
Sure. In some other DARK WORLD!
Me taking the kids out just pisses him off because he has to work harder to impress them. What's fun about Baba taking them to KFC if Mama always takes them there? Whats fun about a day at the mall, if Mama always does that? He wants his every little gesture to be a drop from heaven.
Yeah, sure.
Lufarah: Yahoo messenger isn't working for me since the cable cutting thingy in Egypt.......catch me on MSN......
10:16 PM
Safa you know I have this nagging question that I have hesitated to ask you for a long time, but it's in there and maybe today is the day.
So, reading your story since almost the beginning I remember how many times you mentioned how great things were before polygamy entered your lives. I wonder...was it really that good? I don't think it's possible for it to change that drastically so quickly. Were there signs or glimpses into his personality that should have let you known this was possible? Did he have bad behavior(even if it was only rare) before this time?
I ask this because sometimes, in a marriage, we accept some bad behavior from our spouses. I kind of suspect you accepted his faults all these years but with the onset of polygamy and all the unfairness you have been given you can no longer accept it.
Only you know the answer to those questions and don't feel like you are under any obligation to answer.
12:52 AM
I've asked myself that many times, and I believe that others have asked me as well.....
And I think that I'll stick to my story......before the polygyny, my husband was a good man.
And if it was different than that, it was because I loved him and was forgiving and was willing to accept his behavior. I will not regret that now.
How can I? I have 5 beautiful, loving children from him. That was gift enough for putting up with him!
But thanks for asking.....love ya for it!!
1:26 AM
I also like you calling him your STBX. It helps in distancing yourself from him.
He is losing control and he is getting worried about that. When he had you in his control, he was ok... but now you have turned into this... strong woman and I don't think he knows how to handle it.
Your "conversation" with him made me laugh... I would have done the same;-)
Good for you!
4:51 AM
someone can change like this. some people are like that. as long as you love them, and they love you back, its all good. but once that changes, so could the whole relationship. Plus influence can change people overtime. We don't know what his life is like in Canada.
by the way, I am sort of at a loss to undertsand HOW anyone can ask stuff like this of you when they are not even doing their basics of spending time w/ the children and wife.
By the way, when he says this stuff, why don't you answer him in a nice way and tell him that doesnt he think this is a bit hypocritical when he owes you months and months and is not there to raise his kids? That to worry about you going out or not is really immaterial compared to that. Not that this is tit for tat but c'mon.
Subhanallah, but may Allah help him. And I think if you can move on and make a better life for yourself, (note i said if), then insh'allah I definitely think you should.
For one..i think inside you, you feel so stiffled by the way he treats you, that it 'seems' that slowly the negatives of having someone treat you this way all the time, day in and day out, are going to take a toll on you, that is going to make the postiives of the situation perhaps and diminish them over time.
You want your sanity above everything else.
5:04 AM
Safa your making him sweat,he is losing control of you. I can understand him asking you to stay home, to preserve what dignity he thinks he has left. But come on, he is not there, life has to go on for you and the kids, he is not there to do errands or take care of things outside of the home. You, out of necessity have to go outside. He is slowly understanding that he is losing you, that you are a strong woman and you can take care of the kids and yourself without him. Well not without his financial support. But you know what I mean, you ARE taking care of yourself, and it shows that you dont need him emotionally.
5:55 AM
Safa,
I read a few responses and stopped. He isn't following Islam so how can you ask her to listen to this SOB? Give her some credit here. Safa did I understand you to say, you don't have your name on either title of the vehicles? You are from a civilized country that has credit cards and when you purchase a house both parties are required to go on the loan and or the deed. He just really irritates me. Get out of there as soon as you can. You deserve to be respected, and loved. He has no rights over you anymore. You people need to lay off.
amira
7:59 AM
A simple sorry to the forum here. Please forgive me you all, but he isn't a nice man. I get so emotional about her plight and suffering.
amira
8:06 AM
Has he always been so controlling, Safa? Would you say that prior to polygamy you generally did things "his way" in the marriage?
9:57 AM
safa habibiti no one is trying to make you regret your life together. it is the nature of marriage that you accept your partner in spite of their shortcomings. When your hard work and love was reciprocated I'm almost postivive you could overlook things and even not notice them at all.
Once the love and compassion is gone, this "little" flaws weigh on you until you can't take it anymore.
At least safa, you have these beautiful children and this situation has taught you what an amazingly strong woman you are. inshaAllah you can stand up to anything now.
1:01 PM
Oh no hun, I was being sarcastic when calling him "Ray of sunshine"
Men tend to think our faces and lives should light up when they walk through the door. Because they think there so wonderful.(YUCK) You know they put bread on the table.. WTH?? I don't want no damn bread, I want a STEAK!
You know when you get or he turns in to a sawed off SOB, Almost everything about him is cheap. From his laugh, his smile, his time, his love and right down to his affection.
Its like "okay buddy I see your nasty @ss and I don't like what I see anymore. Everything I see, I am sure she does too and frankly I don't want her left overs. I feed that to the dogs!"
1:02 PM
woah...can we say TYPOS
1:03 PM
Well, I am at a loss for words, except one:
OINK!
I feeling so fiesty I am contemplating posting a Rogue's Gallery of Pigs on my blog. I always thought my own (ex)pig will take the top award but now I am thinking he can share the honers with your own porker.
Jeez Lou-eeze!
Love you, Babe,
PM
2:39 PM
is the chick in canada staying cooped up in her 4 walls???? shes not even my cowife and i cant stand her, astaghfirullah!!!
6:10 PM
Just a little reminder to everyone that we will be accountable for our own tongues. Although we may dislike what safa's husband is doing and we feel so deeply for her, it doesnt give us the right to badmouth him and call him such disgusting names.
On the day of judgment for everyone we wronged, whether by words or actions, they will start taking our good deeds away until we are finally out and start receiving their bad ones.
Just a reminder for us all.
8:42 PM
pm-
oinker!
love it.
7:30 AM
omg Safa, I totally had a semi-asleep dream where I was in Egypt and your STBex came over to talk to my fil and I kicked the crap out of him.
it was delightful.
I also poured acid on him.
delicious.
Then I woke up.
I'm really not a violent person usually, but I just really don't like him.
Hope you don't mind.
7:32 AM
Wow, I can't believe how he's acting! Does he think you won't ask for a divorce after you did last year? Esp. after he is treating you this way? Or maybe he's just getting in as much control as he can before he can't control you anymore.
Stay strong girl! I am proud of you! That medicine for the de nial sickness is working great! You said you wish you had done this a long time ago, but you can't change the past. Just look forward to the future.
Hugs!
Anisah
7:53 AM
I hate to be a party pooper too, but I don't like how this has turned into a parade of insults, a "Safa Hates Her Husband" celebration.
I think it's time to remember that we are muslims. Allah hears what we say, and we are held accountable.
We DO love Safa, we DO feel her pain. We support her whole-heartedly and pray for her. But we DO NOT know her husband. We DO NOT have the RIGHT to call him names.
Remember sisters that we need to have hayaa' - shyness, shame, humbleness.
Please read the below. May Allah guide us and forgive us. Ameen.
http://216.176.51.23/ver2/archive/article.php?lang=E&id=139702
Deterring people from backbiting (Gheebah)
Definition of Gheebah:
When the Prophet was asked about backbiting, he answered: “To mention your brother in a manner which he dislikes”. Then he was asked, “What if my brother actually has (this failing) that I made mention of?” The Prophet said: “If (that failing) is actually found in your brother, you in fact backbit him, and if that is not in him it is a slander.” [Muslim]
Backbiting refers to a Muslim mentioning his Muslim brother in a manner that the latter dislikes, whether by referring to a defect in his body, or in his lineage, or in his morality. The meaning of insulting is included in backbiting, whether it is in the form of words, gestures, or writing.
Ruling of Gheebah:
Backbiting is forbidden in the Noble Quran and the Sunnah. The person who commits it is given the similitude of a person who eats the flesh of his dead brother. Allaah Says (what means): “…And do not spy or backbite each other. Would one of you like to eat the flesh of his brother when dead? You would detest it…” [Quran 49: 12]
To highlight the sanctity of the Muslim, the Messenger of Allaah said in his sermon during the Farewell Pilgrimage: "…Your blood, your wealth and your honor are sacred, as this day of yours, in this month of yours, in this land of yours, are sacred…?" [Ahmad and Muslim] This firmly proves haw far beyond limits one transgresses when he backbites his fellow Muslim
Let us think deeply about this, and regard the orders of Allaah and His Prophet with the awe that they deserve. In the sight of Allaah, violating the rights of your brother by backbiting is equivalent to violating the sanctity of the Day of Sacrifice, in the month of Thul-Hijjah, in Minaa. Do we really realize the enormity of this violation of a Muslim's honor?
Islamic perception of Gheebah:
Al-Baraa' Ibn 'Aazib narrated that the Messenger of Allaah said: "There are seventy-two degrees of Ribaa (usury), the least of which is equivalent to committing adultery with one's own mother. The worst of them (the seventy two degrees) is a man's insulting his brother's honor (i.e. by backbiting)." [Ibn Jaaroot]
`Aa’ishah said: “I said to the Prophet : 'It's bad enough that Safiyyah is such and such. (Some of narrators said: she is short).' He said: "You have said a word which, if it could be mixed with the water of the sea, it would have been… (i.e., the enormity of it is such that, if it were mixed with the vast water of the sea, it would spoil it.)" [Abu Daawood]
A word which, if it could be mixed with the water of the sea, it would have been…! One word alone could do this, and have such a far-reaching impact! So what do you think of the backbiting people of today, whose tongues never cease to wag? What vast oceans could be tainted and corrupted by their words? How many quiet lives are disrupted by them?
'Amr Ibn Shu`ayb narrated from his father from his grandfather : (the people) mentioned a man to the Messenger of Allaah saying: "He doesn't eat until he is fed and he doesn't visit anybody until they have visited him first." The Prophet said: "You have backbit him." They said: "O Messenger of Allaah! We have mentioned about him something which is true." He said: "It is bad enough that you have mentioned something about your brother which is true." [Al-Asbahaani]
We should all ask ourselves: who among us is infallible? Who among us is free from errors, faults and sins? Who among us would be content to have everything about him, good and bad, spoken of by others? Any one of us becomes furious if he hears someone hinting something about him; so what would you do if it was said clearly and in detail, let alone behind your back?
'Abdullaah Ibn Mas’ood said: “We were with the Prophet when a man got up and left, whereupon another man immediately started backbiting him. The Prophet said: "Clean the bits of meat from between your teeth!" The man asked: "What should I clean from between my teeth? I haven't eaten any meat!" He said: "You have eaten the flesh of your brother!" [At-Tabaraani]
This is the state of our community nowadays: any one of us may commit the sin of backbiting, but then will say: I didn't backbite, I didn't eat flesh, I haven't done anything! Why?
Because we have allowed our tongues to become accustomed to speaking this way, without knowing what backbiting is. Let us learn about our religion. Let us learn about what is lawful and unlawful - as much as we can - and distinguish between the speech which is lawful and the speech which is not.
The evil consequence of Gheebah:
Due to its negative impact on individuals and communities alike, the Prophet frequently made mention of backbiting, and greatly warned against it.
The Prophet said: “O you who have believed (only) with their tongues while (true) belief has not visited their hearts! Do not backbite Muslims nor pursue their defects (and faults), otherwise Allaah will pursue your faults, and whomever Allaah pursues his defects (and faults) He disgraces him even though inside his house.” [Ibn Abu Ad-Dunyaa]
The Prophet showed us the safe way of freeing ourselves from the evil consequence of backbiting others when he said: “Whoever has wronged his brother with regard to wealth or honor, should ask for his pardon (before his death), before he will pay for it (in the Hereafter) when he will have neither a Dinaar nor a Dirham (gold and silver currencies). (He should secure pardon in this life) before some of his good deeds are taken and paid to this (his brother), or (if he has no good deeds) some of the bad deeds of this (his brother) will be taken (from the person he wronged) and will be loaded on him.” [Al-Bukhaari and Muslim]
Tuesday : 26/06/2007
8:04 AM
Safa, he's so incredibly rude. I hope you find peace with all this soon. Love ya.
10:31 AM
WOW! Okay.....well...wow! Wow! Wow!
Tks for the islamic reminders ppls. Please find that you are to be removed from my blog.....NOT! HAHA!! Okay,,,,sick humour...hope you don't mind....I think it's great that you stand up for the RIGHT THING regardless of general opinion.(including mine at times!)
I just don't know what to say at the moment......
Ummmm....about the cars? He paid cash. Same with the villa....same with everything.
I have claim to nothing except for the battered up apt that I live in with all the broken furniture.....(the laptop remains to be in good condition tho!)
6:26 AM
LOL, well, alhamdulileh for your laptop, then!
Safa, you are such a sweetie. Whew. I can exhale now. I was so nervous that someone might get ticked off at the Islamic reminder......I did NOT want to come across as preachy - I'm just concerned for the peeps here and want us all to fare well on the road to Jannah, inshaAllah ya Rabb! (we also don't want to be giving our own good deeds away to those we feel have not earned them). We are ALL guilty of getting riled up and letting our tongues slide sometimes....some say it's one of the hardest things to avoid.
ANYWAY.
Yes, I've always stood up for what I think is right, even if it's against the grain - I got my first taste of that at a young age. Sends chills down me. Alhamdulileh!
How are you & the kids today, honey? Happy Saturday!
8:28 AM
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