The cracks are invisible....

Yesterday I took the kids and a couple of the cousins to City Stars Mall. We spent the day outside and I was so looking forward to the time outside of my home. The air inside it is stifling.

Everything was going well.......the drive was uneventful.....I even let the kids turn the stereo up loud.......oh the joy of just being out together.

Yet, I couldn't shake this feeling of "ur gonna be in trouble, Safa". Or thinking.....what if someone told Hubby? And I kept shaking it off.........but it was there somewhere. I remember my husband saying that "Allah never blesses a thing when it isn't obedient"

Was I being disobedient taking my kids out to the mall? I didn't tell him I was going. I'm not talking to him. But I decided I didn't care. The kids deserved to enjoy themselves SOME TIMES!!!!

So we arrive....Alhamdullilah......and as we are getting out of the car.....my oldest daughter gives her 14 yr old cousin the baby and tells her to hold him for a moment. And suddenly.....she drops him in the parking garage. She drops him on the cement floor and he lands on his face. I grab him out of her hands as she picks him up quickly........his face is red and he hasn't blasted off his cry yet. I smack his back so that he'll breathe it out.........

He starts to scream.......and I'm holding him....fighting back my own tears.....fighting back my reaction to yell at the cousin........he cries and cries. I try so hard to make him quiet......to calm him down.....but he just cries and cries.......

We go in the mall, with me carrying a whimpering baby.....my daughter pushing the empty stroller.....the mood of the day gone bad. We get to the public bathrooms and I wash his dirty face.....black from the cement of the parking garage.......he's still crying.....whimpering.....

I try and nurse him.........he doesn't want to. He wants to cry. And still I'm fighting myself inside......the words of my husband ringing in my ears.......disobedient.....No blessings from Allah.......Omg.....it goes round and round in my brain.......

He stops crying for a little.....the smallest thing setting him off.....still he won't nurse......I start saying Ayat al Kursee.....the small surahs......and just asking Allah to make him well.......(and to keep me together....).....I can feel the hot tears.......I'm going to lose it......

We get lunch......I'm still carrying the baby.....whimpering constantly into my shoulder......I've checked his stomach, manipulated all his limbs........he seems fine.......if only he'd stop his crying......my poor, poor baby..........

While the kids are buying their lunch.......trying to keep their smiles in place while they keep shooting their sad glances at me.......I start to cry. Oh please, my precious, precious baby.......please let me comfort you. Stop crying my sweet, sweet gift.

The kids eat their lunch.........and I tell them I'll go for a walk while they eat.....only because I don't want them to be more upset with the baby crying.......and more because I don't want them to see me cry. I'm losing my hold........

I can feel myself starting to fall apart as I work my way to the bathroom again......tears flowing while I walk carrying the whimpering precious, precious gift that I am failing in comforting......please, please my baby......stop crying........

The kids finish their food......and the baby seems to have stopped his whimpering....but he wants me. Only me. We go to the play place.....and I pay for the kids to play.......they leave me sitting alone with my poor (crying) baby.

I read quran some more......tell him I love him......that I'll never give him to anyone to hold him......more quran.....and finally.....he nurses. He has scratches on his face.....and his nose is sort of bloody. He's stopped crying now. No whimpering now. Just nursing. His little fist opening and closing.

My mind is raging......Am I really so bad? (disobedient?).....will my every move be with such fear? And after the kids have played....and he's nursed his fill......has he returned to his happy self.......alhamdullilah.

And it left me to wonder about how I'm holding it together. (Tossing and Turning) I realize that I need to stay clear of any additional problems right now. I'm frail. Fragile.

I will win this round. I refuse to let Hubby tell me I'm bad. (disobedient)

I'm NOT.

Do you HEAR ME??

YOU STUPID FUCK?

YOU UNWASHED ASS??

I, Safa, REFUSE to be intimidated by YOU!

And no amount of TOSSING and TURNING is going to make me STAND DOWN! I will take responsibility for my OWN decisions. I will be my OWN person.

And I will start the long walk on this road one tiny step at a time. Being careful not to step on the cracks.

Being careful..................