She never listens.....
Yesterday I was belittled in front of my husbands family. The quran was playing......... Hubby turned to say something to me, and then suddenly reached over and turned the Quran down.....everyone looked at him as he yelled....
"SEE WHAT HAPPENS BECAUSE U DON"T LISTEN TO ME???"
Surprised....I look over at him, and tell him not in front of the kids....(who gives a crap about his family??) He goes ballistic....
"I CAN SAY WHATEVER I WANT!!!!" Screaming......
His nephew says to him....calm down.....and hubby still yells....
"EVERYONE HAS TO KNOW SHE DOESN"T LISTEN TO ME!!!!!"
~~~~~~
My oldest walks out of the room in a huff.....I'm stunned into silence...(DAMMIT!).....and then we all go home. Hubby walks into the house and opens the quran....reads a page and then goes to bed......I follow soon after.....and fall blissfully into a state that leaves me numb......(but aren't I always numb these days? Does being unconscious make a difference?)
~~~~~~
This morning was strange.....he plays with his son for a prolonged amount of time. I can barely look at him. But do I break routine? NEVER. I am who I am.......and his bad behaviour will not break that in me.
I wash his glasses
hang his underwear and undershirt in the bathroom
I lay the prayer carpet
I make his breakfast
I make his coffee
........and then I just sat there. An unfeeling, unmoving....ohhhh so unhappy turd.
He drank in silence although I felt he had something to say. But who cares?
3 days days until he leaves.........
posted by Safa at 2:32 AM
38 Comments:
I think you did the right thing. You were the bigger person, It's sad that I sense that when he leaves, there will be a sigh of releif throughout the house. Sad, but true, and completely his doing.
3:45 AM
Salaam Alaikum sweetie,
It was great to talk to you and you've heard all my "wisdom" for what it's worth now. Take care of yourslef and your children -- and stay safe.
Love you,
PM
4:05 AM
Wow! Laki il Jannah inshaLLAH Ya Safa.
That's all I have to say.
4:44 AM
Salaam Aleikum.
I can't express to you how sorry I am that he continues to treat you like this.
InshALLAH his family realize how unreasonable he was but being married to an Arab myself I doubt they'll see your side at all.
ALLAH is all-knowing in that I hope you have belief.
6:03 AM
Safa...this post makes me so sad. Next time you hang up his underwear why not rub some poison ivy in the crotch of it?
7:37 AM
lol@Cairogal. Do they have poison ivy in Egypt?
He is really being kelb. It sounds like your kids won't ever forget how he is treating you. I am glad you are being strong. Even though you didn't talk back, you are making plans for what is best for you and your kids. Sometimes you have to just bear it until you can change it. I bet he will be very surprised when you do!
Lots of hugs!
Anisah
8:36 AM
I like cairogirls Idea! hahaha Safa I really cant stand that you and the kids are living with this rubbish. He is like a caged animal that knows he is on his last legs.....he is trying anything and everythign to gain the upperhand. He doesnt get how you are no longer reacting to his stupidity.
He will regret this. These days will haunt him. When you are a safe and away from the misery that is life with this man, he will realize what he has lost.
10:02 AM
Dear sister..... sometimes when you get kicked to the teeth that many times - you become hollow. I feel that is whats happening with you.
You've been hurt much worse than this, and your automatic reaction is just to blank him out. What you're trying to say is you can shout all you want say what you want - but it will all fall on deaf ears because you cant hurt me anymore.
You've certainly come away the stronger person, by not reacting in a bad way.
10:11 AM
I heart cairogal! ha ha
Safa....he's such a jerk.
He doesn't deserve you.
*sigh*
12:02 PM
I am officially cracking up at Cairo's post!
3:08 PM
LOL Cairogal...poison ivy is a great idea!
I hope my hubby never finds out that some wives hang their husband's underwear up for them in the bathroom. He already says I don't do anything for him anymore.
3:45 PM
I continue to be amazed on how strong you are safa..I could never do what you do..may Allah be with you and continue to give you strength..
4:24 PM
Your husband's behaviour leaves me speachless!
Hang in there
10:49 PM
Your dh's behaviour leaves me speechless.
Hang in there!
10:50 PM
first off, i think your husband is the turd...not you!
second, i'll send you some poison ivy.
and now on a serious note, I'm seriously confused. what's the deal with him safa? Just for no reason, out of the blue, he yells that you don't listen? is there something we're missing? did u not hear him or something? did u get in a fight earlier?
what is his justification for treating you this way? Supposed religious people always have some sort of justification for their bad behavior.. do you know what his is?
it seems to me that nothing you ever do will be good enough. You can clean his glasses and hang his underwear all you want, but you will not get a different reaction from him. He doesnt seem to appreciate the things you do because there is some ridiculous thing he wants that you aren't doing. i just don't know what else to say.
keep strong safa!
1:07 AM
He was going on about his niece and his brother. When she arrived in Cairo, she called and wanted to come see the girls. I told her anytime she wants to come over, she's welcome. He wanted me to tell her no.
Supposedly there was some gossip about us.....with her possibly being the origin......
Hence, I dn't listen cuz I couldnt' tell HIS niece not to come to HIS house.....
4:46 AM
Safa, you are an awesome woman, does he realize women kill their husbands for being treated like this? He is abusing you, I dont know about physically but mentally he is abusing you. What is going on with your sons birth certificate? Is that is what is holding you there? I would insist that he send you and the kids to Canada, at his expense.
5:34 AM
Safa,
i'm sorry, I've been wanting to help you but I have no money of my own.
May Allah reward you infinetely. When you get to Canada inshaAllah, please look after your mental health, you have been under so much stress for so long and you will need lots of rest. i'm not suggesting there's anything wrong with you! Just that it takes time to recover from stress like this, so take care of yourself.
5:44 AM
This post makes me want to do something incredibly violent to him.
Thats all I have to say.
Very, very violent.
8:21 AM
Saha makes an important point... many mental health experts say that when you become accustomed to living with stressful situations for a long amount of time, there's a sense of "what do I do now?" and depression that comes when it's over. It doesn't sound logical, but it was certainly the case for me after I got out of an abusive family. I will make du'a for you and the children to be protected from this.
9:11 AM
There will come a time when you're out of this situation - I hope - and look back at this time in your life. I think that'll be the time when you smack your forehead and say, "Holy kableeblehockers! I knew the situation was messed up when I was in it, but I HAD NO IDEA how messed up it was! Thank goodness I finally got out of it!"
Because, girl, this is MESSED UP. Get out. For your kids' sake and for your own.
I dearly want to contribute to the Safa Safety Fund, but we're stretched almost to the breaking point. I'm sorry, dear.
-TVDinner
9:34 AM
it's just isn't right that, a wonderful person like you being treated this way. makes me so sad and angry.
love, sayang
10:28 AM
Safa-
I'm sorry that you're feeling so down, lately.
And I have a thought on what you wrote about what initiated his blowup about you not listening to him. Like a previous poster, I too was wondering, what the heck set him off?
Well, now, I do want to ask - do you think he was upset about that particular circumstance because he was thinking about how Islamically, the husband has the right to determine who enters his house?
Just a thought. Hope you are feeling better today. :)
12:43 PM
I sorta suspect that your husband blew up like this in order to save face w/ his family...injecting some doubt into their minds as to who should be blamed for the failed marriage.
1:59 PM
Okay, some more clarity here......
His niece blew up when she found out that he got another wife. She went to him and confronted him about it. He didn't like being put on the line......this was 2 yrs ago. Since then, she's been in Egypt twice. She's come to our house.
But this visit, he just didn't want her to. When I discussed it with him, he gave in on the issue. After all, it's HIS niece.
So when some problems arose.....he remembers that his initial idea was to NOT let her in our house......not that he actually changed his mind......
I think that his blow up was more about making himself innocent........
He's a martyr after all!!!!
2:00 PM
yes, that too, CG
2:03 PM
Safa:
Can you open up your heart and tell us what exactly you are afraid of if he is no longer in your life?
10:58 PM
That is a good question, l_oman... Safa??
1:25 PM
Safa:
I've kept up with your blog for awhile but never have anything profound to contribute. I pray some relief from your trials comes quickly.
Sunny
8:40 PM
l_oman, are you a muslim? Because that type of question obviously wasn't coming from a very Islamic place. Same thing for you sii.
I'm absolutely not saying that Safa should stay with him, I'm obviously pro-divorce in her case, and I'm certain she has more than enough evidence to seek a khula. But to ask that sort of thing, as if she is chosing to stay with him frivilously, if you are Muslim you would know the reasons that she hesitates.
She is in a foreign country, a country in which men are generally granted custody of the children in case of a divorce. She is without family. She is without money. And thats only a few of the many reasons things aren't progressing as quickly as you may like them.
But who are to ask such a sarcastic thing?
Astughfurlillah. I hope you're not Muslim so you can at least hide behind that excuse for your insensitivity.
9:28 AM
"But who are to ask such a sarcastic thing?"
A bit harsh, Molly. L_Oman has posted kind comments on Safa's blog for a long time now. I don't think she or sii meant any harm in asking. I'm not even sure what the connection between the reasons you list for Safa not divorcing and Islam have in common. Neither of the comments from Sii and L_oman suggested frivalty to me. It just looks like two people who have been reading for a while wondering why, when there has been talk of divorce before, it hasn't happened.
Let's save our energy for supporting Safa, rather than demonstrating to other commenters what can easily be perceived as religious superiority.
8:34 AM
Internet has been out in Egypt.....sorry I didn't get to the question......
Hey don't worry about LOman, Molly....she's a dear friend....and I don't mind ppl calling me out.....perhaps she means to just walk me thru it.
So what am I scared of? Well that's simple....
I got married at 18.....from my mothers' rule to my husbands. He's all I've ever known......
8:49 AM
Safa - trouble with internet is people can't hear our tone. I meant that in all sincerity and concern. Sarcasm was not my intent...
Cairogal, thanks. Molly, gosh - I don't know what to say - I feel like I've been scolded! Sheesh...
12:33 PM
Ok, I apologize to l_oman if I insulted her, I just felt like it was a sarcastic question, and knowing the things you have to deal with in your life already...
And I know that my consideration if I were in your situation would be on the things I mentioned. I would be afraid of those things if it were me personally.
Allahu Alem. I wasn't meaning to start any holy war, I just felt that on top of everything, saying something like that was like throwing salt on wounds.
1:35 PM
Oh Molly....is it possible for me to love u a little bit more?
Thanks for backing me up and being my toughie!!
I feel so close to so many of you.......!!!!
5:36 PM
well we love you. :)
6:51 PM
Molly - apology accepted!
I think lots of us are backing Safa up - whether it be tough love or whatever - we're here for her.
7:43 PM
"Allah's victory is near"
Just be patient...
10:56 AM
Post a Comment
<< Home