.......masalaama........
He wasn't home all day yesterday. He got up early in such a good mood. He even took extra long in the shower.....(I heard him open the medicine cabinet to get the razor)......not that I actually KNOW what he shaved......cuz I wasn't invited to share the bed with him. Haven't been for awhile actually. Out of morbid curiousity......is there some ruling about how often ur supposed to sleep with ur wife?
He came back just as dinner was ready......with so many presents and gifts. All wrapped up.....so I have no idea what they are. Just after we ate dinner, it was off to the wedding of his nephew.
The son of the brother that doesn't talk to us.
The wedding was really nice. I had to bite tears back, actually. This family used to be my favourite........and I was so happy to be a part of their happiness. Even if I don't get along with them.......and have no intention of starting a relationship with them again......but I was surely happy.
My husband didn't sit with me at all during the entire wedding. And as I looked at him from across the distance.......I became quiet with the inner turmoil. Thinking about the man he was........and who he is now. Thinking how much I don't like this guy.
And instead of leaving the wedding early, so that we could go home and spend a quiet hour together as a "family"........we made it home late, with him running to get his things to the car. Sigh.
A quick kiss to all the kids....and SURPRISE! A peck on the cheek for me.....he says to me..."Shuuf wishik bikhair, ya Safa" (basically see you doing well)
And he was gone. It was 12:30 am.
Breathe.
~~~~~
The kids and I sat up and watched TV together......none of us worried that we'd get caught. And by 1:30 am....I sent them all off to bed.
~~~~~
3:00 am. My cell phone is ringing. I sleepily put my hand out and look at it. Him. His plane isn't till 4 am. So I answer and he asks if he woke me. Yes, I tell him. He asks me to take care of the kids and myself while he's gone. And then he says that he was calling cuz he wanted to tell me something........?? (and I sit listening.........curious about what new sort of mental anguish he has thought up.....)
I love you.
...... hear him say it, and as if I'm on auto pilot, I answer him back....I love you too. (My mind screaming, and awaking instantly from sleep)
So then he says...well take care....I'll see you soon....I love you....(again)
I love you too. Masalaama.
~~~~~~
HOW DARE HE! Pronounce his sick concept of love to me? He's been in Egypt beside me EVERYDAY for almost 4 most.......and the only time he's told me he loved me was when I told him that he needs to pretend for the kids sake. And SUDDENLY.....now that he's leaving....he remembers that he does love me.
Perhaps it's in his jubilant joy of going back to his other wife......
Or maybe he didn't complete his sentence....
I love you.....
....cuz I'm leaving
....cuz I'm going to my other more interesting wife
....cuz no matter how bad I treat you, I know u'll always be there
....cuz I don't have to live with 24/7
Out of all the cruel things that he's done to me.....out of all the cruel things that he's said in these last 4 mos........THIS 3 AM PHONE CALL WAS THE WORST!!!
HOW DARE HE! What a coward.
~~~~~
So for the next couple of days.....I get to try and get my head on straight......Sunday I get the baby's passport.....YA! And I'm having company come to spend some time with me......and I'm going to go to the book fair......
And I'm even considering dieting.....IMAGINE?????
But of all the things I really look forward to doing.......it's just savouring my time with my children.
No worries. No fears. Just us.
And that's where the secret of my sanity lies..........
Breathe.
posted by Safa at 8:23 AM
13 Comments:
WTH????
He's so messed up.
*sigh*
9:03 AM
Two other options
"I love you coz the wedding made me remember ours and that I had so much good time with you and I think it's enough to say it to bring you back"
Or
"I love you coz I'm leaving and if I don't try to bind you with good feelings and guiltiness you might make something I don't want when I'm not here to check on you".
The first one is stupid, the second one is more than mean.
Breath.. and take care
9:04 AM
SAFA! enjoy this time.....rejuvenate yourself, refresh yourself, Alhm! you have made it through that misery.
Allah rewards us all. He is great like that. Safa, your words about the 'I love you' struck a cord in me that I cannot tell you. I think I will blog about. Its just the worst possible feeling isnt it... the rage you feel at those words...
10:00 AM
Whatever he meant by the I love you remark...even if he meant it in a sincere way...as far as I am concerned, it's way too little, much too late. Or it's just downright sadistic and controlling. In any case, I think enough is enough. No more need to analyze him and his obvious sickness. He's gone now, so concentrate on readying your sweet self--and your wonderful children--for the next step. He's history--concentrate on your future honey. And may Allah make it beautiful for you...ameen. I love you!
3:34 PM
i wish i had the perfect answer for you sister safa. now he is away. plz dont focus on what he is doing with "her". dont worry yourself for he is not worrying himself about what you are doing or what you were doing without him prior to him coming back to egypt. focus on yourself, your children and do what you have to do. dont wait another minute for him and forget that i love you..whatever it meant.
7:15 PM
Oh goodness... I have never commented before, but I have read every previous entry of your blog. This is by far, as you said, the strangest and in a way worst thing your husband has handed to you yet... The fact that you should even puzzle at the idea that your husband loves you is such a bad sign and it proves that he hasn't been living up to his responsibilities (both his religious spousal obligations AND the responsibilities all husbands/wives owe to one another regardless of religius affliation, such as mutual respect, accountability and affection). I hope your situation improves one way or another and I hope none of your husband's behaviors toward you influence how you feel about your fundamental worth as a person. All the very best.
7:30 PM
masha'allah and admire your strength and courage sis..
7:50 PM
What my dh sometimes does - he never says I love you - he will just try and get me to say it. It seems to give him some kind of comfort.
1:10 AM
AA wa Ra wa Ba,
mind games. He doesn't want you to leave him while he's gone. Manipulative isn't he...
He embarrassed you in front of his whole family by not sitting with you during the wedding. I'm sorry, three words just don't make up for it.
"I'm sorry" would have been more appropriate.
And I can think of two choice words you could have used for him!
Congratulations on his departure to Canada!
I can see you exhaled.
It's sad that some people make you happy when you see them and others make you happy when you see them LEAVE.
Buh- Bye, I hope the door didn't hit his butt on the way out!
Take care.
6:23 AM
Spot on Musulmana! Honestly this post made me feel nauseous because of the overt manipulation and the fear that you will expect him to become something he is not. Just be grateful not to have to check out his shaving. Ufffffff!
I'm sorry to say it -- especially about a Muslim -- but he is a PIG. And not any of that good Proscuitto or smoked bacon either! ;-)))
Love you,
PM
11:38 AM
Yep...Musulmana has it right. Mind games. I see it here...I see it with you.
Keep breathing while he's gone....alone with the kids is safe and relaxing. It's what we know best.
6:33 PM
i think he thinks with saying i love you, you'll be waiting for more when he gets back. more like crumbs leading to the gingerbread house. then you get cooked in the boiling pot!
love, sayang
3:14 PM
He only said it make himself feel better! Safa, your in my thoughts.
1:04 PM
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