Silent contemplation.......
I am confused by a feeling. It's strange. I have this feeling thats following my almost every move. What is it?
It's like I'm caught off guard with it. Every so often I feel like....WOW...this is different!!! And I think about this often.
Does standing up for yourself really feel this GOOD? Why haven't I done this before? OMG....I could bottle this feeling and sell it. It's where I think of the road ahead...and I'm really not that saddened by the thought of a life of solitude to follow.......
I just want to be free.
Last night I couldn't sleep so well. It was like I have a million things in my mind and even when I sleep, my mind races.But today.........I was feeding the baby......and looking at his sweetness. Feeling the love I feel for him. Feeling....dare I......happy? Yes. Definately happy.
And then suddenly.....it switched......
I'M PISSED......but I'm surpressing that. I'm so bitter and angry inside. I was feeding the baby, loving him....and I said......what is more important in life than ur children? Would I really choose something to be more important?? WOULD I??
Never.
And anyone who chooses THEMSELVES over their responsibilities is an ass. Thats not an islamic teaching. That isn't even a life teaching.
So I let this anger bubble to the surface for about 3 mins. and then I just shoved it down again. I'll deal with this anger when the moment comes. Possibly making sure it's directed at the right person.
But for now......I'll just shy away from silent contemplation.......
posted by Safa at 3:46 AM
6 Comments:
I seem to be bombarding you with links. I just remembered something from school. Maslow's hierarchy of needs.
Have a look at it and contemplate how your needs and the fulfillment of them are changing.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow's_hierarchy_of_needs
I would not suggest suppressing anger.
Suppressed it will be distorted in your brain and when it finally comes out, it won't come out right.
Is there no where you can go and throw cheap cups, glasses or scream your head off just to get the immediate anger off your chest?
There will be plenty of it dear, how much can your heart hold?
Suppressing your anger can cause you to sub-consiously indulge in self-destructive behavior.
Again, take my word for it. Me, a woman who used to weigh 110 kg is now a slim 65.
I dieted on suppressing anger, turning it against myself, and food was the only way for me to destroy myself, not proned to being a wino or a drug-abuser.
Please find a way to get your anger out so that when a confrontation comes you are composed, clearheaded and not consumed by suppressed emotions distorted. It will not provide a base for good decision-making later.
Hugs
7:04 AM
Safa, can I buy a bottle of that feeling, please...
12:26 PM
YES!!!!!!!!!!!!! Freedom!!!!!!
Alhumdulillah!!!!!!!!
4:47 PM
Asalaam alaikum Safa,
Sis, so many of your words here describe some of what I feel today. Feeling good about standing up for myself - and like you, I am caught off guard by it! And ALSO like you (my ink twin??? lol) I sometimes get really mad about it all, that all my dedication has gone down the drain. Anyway Safa, I hope that you make it through and come out of this a stronger sister and stronger servant and stronger mother, as you already are. InshaAllah. From the very first day I read your blog, I felt like you had taken the words from my heart to your keyboard.
5:46 PM
Salaams Safa:
Feeling a full range of feelings is normal in your situation. All of your stuffed feelings are rising to the surface. You are beginning to thaw out.
Safa, you do have a right to be happy and free. And women are happy and free even while in marriages. Marriage is not supposed to be a drag. Your spouse is supposed to uplift you and be your "better half" lol.
I am happy that you are looking forward to the future, Insha Allah.
6:34 PM
I disagree with the commenters ideas on not supressing anger - when you're in crisis, you deal with the crisis first...THEN you deal with the emotions that surround it. There's one of you, and five children...right now, just to hold it all together you need to be dealing with the facts..the feelings can come later, when you're stable and a little stronger to handle it all. And have someone to help you with it too - and your kids.
Safa luv...if you're gonna answer my email lol, you'll need to do it soon eh? Countdown is on!
Love ya...wasalaam xoxox
4:24 AM
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