soap opera time II.......
So he says, what did she have to say. So I told him the whole forgiveness thing. And then he's like, anything else? I say no. And he keeps coming back to it....she must of had a lot to say, or u must have questioned her...or whatever. So I says...o wait, there was just one thing.....it's about when u divorced her. And he's like,,,,what did she say? Around January, I say. He says....I'm not really sure. So I says....well, did you divorce her BEFORE or AFTER u married MM?? He sits and manages to look perplexed for a minute or so. And then he says....I'm sure it was after. (me, too) So I get into it. HOW ON EARTH CAN YOU LIE?? WHY DO YOU DO THIS? WHY CAN"T YOU JUST BE STRAIGHT UP WITH ME? WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING TO URSELF? ANd then he tries to limply say that he divorced her last summer, but the 3rd talaq was in Jan! BULLSHIT! I asked him this specific question and he said that the 3rd talaq was given before the summer.
BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT!!!!! CRAP CRAP CRAP!!!
Just when I find something to hold onto....it gets yanked outta my hands!!
DAMN!
********
So I go to my Mom's the rest of the day. Biting my tongue not to say anything......this new development will only give mom more strength to advise me without any Eman. I know that I wasn't giving off good vibes yesterday.....she didn't say much either. I feel like a turd!
So we get back to pick up hubby on time at 9pm. We come home and my 11 yr old makes a snack for her Baba. I'm so tired, I can't stand up. So I tell my 14 yr old to tell her Baba that I'm going to sleep....I was already in the room and he was in the livingroom.
*********
FF to this morning. So I complete my routine, he gets in the shower, I get his underwear and undershirt, hang up in bathroom, clean towel on the toilet for him, I go make the bed, lay out the prayer rug, wash his classes and put them on the dresser, get his socks out, put his shirt on the bed.....go make breakfast, coffee, put his pills on the table and a glass of water. Then wait.
So he starts talking to me when he comes out. And I flip. I tell him I dont need anymore lies, why can't he be straight.....and he's like....she's wrong in her dates.....I divorced her in Dec....and I'm like.....who cares about the dates....did you divorce her BEFORE or AFTER u married MM. So he's like AFTER. So then I says...okay...that's all I need. You have still lied to me. What's going on with you? I swear if you were a woman and Allah was testing you like me, you couldn't do what I'm doing! And on top of it all....ur telling me that ur coming to Egypt and u are going to marry again? U are going to cut us way down on money? And I can't even expect you to promise me anything, cuz you don't even keep those. So what am I supposed to do? Where do I go? What's in this for me?? So then I tell him the "u respect and support MM when she's divorced and has given up her kids, but if I were to pick up at this point, u'd flip." So he starts with.....r u comparing me to her ex hubby? ANd I says...where do you see I'm saying that? And he starts to get worked up, and repeats what I said....and then I say clearly....I AM NOT COMPARING YOU TO THAT BASTARD!!!! I didn't even mention him here. and he's like...no u are comparing us....and I'm like... I AIN"T GONNA PLAY UR SILLY GAMES OF MAKING A SIDE ARGUMENT TO GET AROUND THE POINT AT HAND. So he stands up...and says...ur accusing me of making a side argument? Swears at me in Arabic, "intee alet al adhab, saheeh" and walks out the door.
CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP.....x 1 million CRAP-CRAPS!!
Look what this extension of my tickets brought? SubhanAllah.
Why am I so scared of just picking up my kids and leaving? WHat is it that holds me back? I have to start asking myself some questions.......please leave some questions for me to ask myself in the comments, okay? I'm actually gonna write them down and answer them. I will. Until then, I am holding my breath. Pray for me.
posted by Safa at 9:39 AM
27 Comments:
Bismallah a Rahman a Raheem...
Asalamalaykom Safa,
There's something in the wind. I feel it. It's more than Fall. It's a time for change.
Questions for Safa:
If you could go back in time to you at age 14, the same age as your eldest, what would you be able to tell your younger self about the life she was going to live? Would you be able to tell her all of this? What parts would you feel so sad to tell her? When you saw her sadness, what could you tell her about your future decisions to revive her spirits?
10:36 AM
1. What are the advantages of staying married to him, in terms of love, emotional support and financial support?
2. How would divorcing him affect his relationship with his children? When a father is divorced from a custodial mother he has to make extra effort. Is he willing to do that?
3. How much effort does he make in being a father now? Does his own selfish desire for extra women in his life eclipse everything else? Would the kids really suffer or would it just be one of life's hard lessons -- that not all men are good husbands and fathers...
4. You had your children at a young age. How do you want to spend your 40s AND 50s as your kids grow up and leave home? I know it seems a long time away but the day will come. What are your dreams for love and companionship, and does your husband share the same dreams?
That's for starters ;-)))
Salaam Alaikum,
PM
10:37 AM
There is a lesson in this for all of us:
"If you bump uglies with the masses then your doom is inevitable."
11:08 AM
Salam Alaykum Safa
Ok, here goes some questions....
1) How does your husband's ongoing mistreatment of you impact your daughters' self-esteem and view of marriage? How will this situation influence their future relationships with their own husbands?
2) Do you see yourself living the rest of your life enduring your husband's momentary whims and untruthfulness?
3) Does virtue really entail tolerating a man's sordid selfishness and lack of consideration for his family?
4) Where do you honestly think is the best place to raise your kids, Egypt or Canada? Consider education, their marriages, family support, legal system, etc...
1:19 PM
Ohhhhh Safa. I wonder why you are still putting up with this guy. I can only assume it is the kids, it is the sense of religious obligation. But, are you really doing a good thing for your children? Certainly you have given this man a fair shake... What the h*&^ is he waiting for to show you some trace of sanity and concern for YOUR well being?
It's not the polygyny girl, if you think you are hating the polygyny and just trying to put up with it because you are a good Muslimah. It is the LYING. It is my observation that it is ALWAYS the lying that bites men in the ass in these situations. If he could be straight with you, I think you could make this work. Right now you seem to be just putting up with him.
I swear it isn't worth it. Besides, what is a life with a man you can't trust at all????? Seriously.
I just wish I could give you a big hug and tell you, "Love yourself as much as you have loved this man Safa."
Oh, questions to ask yourself... Yeah.
1. How would your divorce impact his relationship with the children?
2. How does this divorce impact you? Does anything other than finances change? Do you lose some emotional support that maybe you haven't mentioned?
3. Do you think he would own up to things if you stayed with him and try to straighten up his life? Could you live with it if he didn't?
4.Is he simply dragging you down or are there good things about him that you haven't mentioned?
5. What are your reasons for staying with him outside of the religion and the kids?
6. Should one of us fellow bloggers come and knock some sense into him???LOL
Seriously ukhti... There is being patient and then there is being a doormat. Please Safa, don't be a doormat.
We ALL love you sister, and I think it is fair to speakfor everyone in saying that we want to see you have a better life. You are in my dua.
1:31 PM
1) If you go back to Egypt, what is the likelihood of you keeping custody of your children in the event of a hostile divorce?
2) What is the likelihood of keeping custody of your kids in Canada?
3) If its this hard to get half truths out of husband, what else could he be hiding?
4) I've said it before, have you and/or hubby been tested for any, ahem, cough cough, social diseases?
5) What are you willing to take as a woman, as a muslimah to keep your marriage going?
6) What will you absolutely not accept in your marriage?
7) What would you think of your mother if she put up with this situation for years and years until you grew up? Would you keep respecting her?
I will make dua for you sister. You make my heart ache with every word you type about this situation. God bless you, your children and your wayward dog husband. (he probably needs it more, to be honest)
5:28 PM
Salamu alaykum,
My question is how did Crystal know that you were in town to call you? Is she still in touch with hubby? And did she call and tell him that she called you for him to come in and check the caller ID.
This whole saga is a major psycho drama to say the least and while it makes for interesting reading it must be very painful to live through it. Subhanallah may Allah give you strength and bless you with relief after these trials. It really hit home your poignant reminder about the laughter and missing the laughter and loving the laughter you enjoyed with your girls. The question remains when will the laughter and the joy come back into your life/marriage? And when will the lies end and the trust begin? The biggest problem I see in his character is the lies - that is serious. Ommission is one thing but lies are something else. And then to be married to two other women in secret is a bit much; and then divorcing the kafir as she didn't want to be married to him while he's married to the crazy MM speaks volume. So even the kafir girl saw she was crazy but hubby on the other hand is cutting your 2 weeks extra short in spending time with MM. It's heart breaking to say the least. May Allah bless you and make it easy on you . Ameen.
7:16 PM
Allah? Do you fear displeasing Allah, as if you may be turning on your heals too soon? Do you fear you have not had enough sabr?
Companionship? You have never been alone…Egypt doesn’t count, you were still married. You have been with him almost longer than you have been without him…what are you afraid of about being without a husband companion?
Trust? Do you fear losing faith in people, as probably you thought you knew this man so well. If you admit he is not as you thought he was…do you fear that you may not be able to put that trust in another?
Safa the Saving…do you worry that if you leave, you won’t be able to help him right himself?
Risq/security? Do you fear losing the lifestyle you are accustomed to? Do you fear Allah will make your risq difficult to acquire?
The Girls? Do you think they will resent you for leaving their father? Do you think, as their role model, it is better to let them witness ALL this? I’m really hearing Aoife here…~What would you think of your mother if she put up with this situation for years and years until you grew up? Would you keep respecting her?~
Can you talk frankly to the 14 year old about divorce? Would her input be worthy to you? Do the girls need a little heads up about that possibility, as to lessen the shock? Do you fear he will abandon them? Hasn’t he already somewhat…Subhannallah, this man has FOUR daughters and this is how he treats women. Uff.
Remember that what the girls are going to get in this life has long been written for them. Don't carry any false blame.
When you answer all our questions, inshallah, you will get to some real base fears. Daunting, but very rewarding.
What are you doing for SOUND Islamic advise? Anybody got a good sheik on speed dial?
Have ya done any reading on complusive lying...sounds like you have one. My BFF-Sister had one, very draining to deal with.
May Allah guide us all, ameen.
7:39 PM
I find it amazing how men try to distract from an argument by manipulating the situation and making something you said be the focus of the conversation. This man doesn't deserve you safa. If I were you.... man I don't even want to say it....He just doesn't deserve you. This makes me sooooo sad wallahi! I am at loss for words.
8:26 PM
I thought of two more questions:
How will your husband treat your daughters when they become older and start asking him tough adult questions regarding his treatment of you? Will he flip out, insult, belittle and lie to them too?
and
What kind of example is he setting, as a Muslim, to your daughters? I mean, it seems that he is incredibly ignorant about the faith, and only uses it as a crutch for his own misdeeds "Yeah, polygyny is halal, so shut up woman." What kind of impression of Islam are your daughters getting from this? :\
8:51 PM
Ok I have something to say now that I have read everyone's comments. Safa what do you want; dounia or Jannah? If Jannah is what you want then do not let this man distract you from that path. Substitute your time with other activities. Join halaqas, memorize the Quran, memorize du3a's and hadeeths. Fill your life with gaining Islamic knowledge. Your husband is dounia. He is only an avenue for you to attain Jannah. Use him!!! Use the crap out of him. The more he screws you over and you are patient, the more reward you will gain. Let him lie it will be to his own destruction because Allah will not side with him. Do not worry about the love of your husband....instead worry about the love of Allah. If Allah loves you then NO ONE can harm you. Please do not get distracted by them. I know that is easier said then done, but you know what? maybe it will be best for you to go to egypt. Stay away from the fitnah and take care of those girls. They deserve your undivided attention. I am telling myself this as well. I need to take my own advice. Maybe I can learn from you. My four girls depend on me to be their example and so do yours. Listen my mom told me something that I think everyone should keep in mind she says...."Do not worry about what he does or what she(MM)does; worry about what you do." I take it this way....Let your hubby lie, cheat, do whatever he wants to do, you worry about yourself and what you do as far as your actions infront of Allah and as far as the rights that your family members have over you. You fear Allah and Allah will make a way out for you. You take care of your duties as a wife, a mother and a servant of Allah and leave the rest to Allah. Make Du3a for Allah to give you ease. Be patient! Go to egypt and let him lie in his own bed!!!! If you ever need to talk just let me know and I will give you my number to call me insha Allah. Take care and know that many sisters care for you sincerely and we truly love you for the sake of Allah....You are doing the right thing....Don't give up!
9:16 PM
Here, here, musulmana!
Safa, along the lines of what HA said, imagine all of this is happening to someone you know and love. What do you tell them? How do you advise them? What would your gut reaction be if a daughter/best friend came to you and relayed all of these stories?
I think you know in your heart what you need to do, it's just change is scary. Take that leap, my dear. Take that leap in your new direction.
10:30 PM
Musulmana I don't understand....By your comment what are you suggesting? It is not in her had whether or not her husband embraces polygny or monogamy. Polygamy is halal under certain conditions, but if the conditions are not met then she is able to leave, but is that what she really wants? What do you feel she should do? His marriage to MM is not in her hands it is in his...Only her husband can solve this and if he is not willing then she must turn to Allah. Actually she must turn to Allah first....then her hubby. wallahu a3lim!!!
10:37 PM
Sorry to comment again. But i just want to say, that it's not a bad thing to want to live in this dunya without being constantly "screwed over". I mean, seriously sister, to demand respect from your life partner, is that indulging in the sin and temptations of the dunya? I just have a slight problem with what Vena said: "The more he screws you over and you are patient, the more reward you will gain" To sacrifice yourself under your husband's boot and be a recepient of his outrageous behaviour is surely not the only avenue available to gain Allah's favour, is it? :( You deserve better than this, you deserve WAY more respect than he gives you, you deserve to live in peace, without suffering everyday, that's all i'm saying.
11:06 PM
ASA
sis. muslumana I qoute isn't entirerly correct. Muhammed PBUH forbad his on family ALI ra from marraige to another as states in this strong Hadith below:
Hadis no. 2473 page 687: -I heard the Prophet (SA) saying from the Mimbar – "Hisham Mugeera proposed to me for the marriage of his daughter to Ali Ibne Talib (RA). But I did not allow and I will not allow until Ali (RA) divorces my daughter Fatima (RA). Because Fatima is a part of my body. I hate what she hates and whatever hurts her hurts me."
Its a good qoute none the less and this hadith above still has a underlined theme; which is that the womans feelings must be taken into consideration at all times. If she is not please you shouldn't do it period. The harmonly of the house will just NEVER be right and just as the wife should strive to keep her home a place of calm so should the husband avoid adding any extra fitna to the mix.
12:32 AM
ameen, ameen. Well, great comment section......
9:31 AM
Asalamalaykom Again,
Too bad we quiet sisters don't have a thought in our heads. LOL! More like you can't shut us up! Look at me...I'm back for seconds as well.
I actually talked to my husband (Egyptian wanting 2nd wife) about your situation. Here's from our conversation:
1. Is MM legally divorced in Canada? If she isn't, then she can't be Islamically divorced to your hub.
2. If she does have baby to your hub, while legally married, it will be presumed to be her hub's.
3. For MM to leave her kids like this is crazy.
4. My hub knows of actual men who left their wife for their own MM and he really did believe magic was involved.
5. It needs to be 24/24 not 12/12 for division of time. It is ABSOLUTELY WRONG to take you out and then spend the night with her.
6. You need to sit ALL THREE OF YOU with a sheik but you make the call to schedule. That way it will be your agenda. Tell the sheik you are considering divorce to get away from all this mess. You need his eyes and ears to help you understand. He could issue you a divorce on the spot, or force your hub on the spot to divorce. He could also tell your hub if he was halal in his marriages or not.
I was going to sign off "Big Love to You," but I think there's been too much "Big Love" already. :)
9:45 AM
Oh, Safa, I think a war on the blog comments is starting and I can't keep my rifle put down.
Vena, I think what you said has some value - is it for dunya or the akhira. Having said that, the dunya determines your akhira. There is a level at which you cannot keep putting up with someone elses crap. You do not get reward for allowing your children to learn from a bad example. You do not get reward for enduring someone elses sins when you can avoid them or leave company with them. We are not supposed to keep company with people who bring down our faith and do not increase our knowledge. Using your reasoning, even a woman getting beaten physically and suffering abuse should just sit back and take it because she will be rewarded in jennah. I think your line of reasoning puts women back to the time of jahilliyah when we had no rights and were property.
10:35 AM
Salamu alaykum,
This is why it was a good thing not to give up your days that he owes you to MM as he would not appreciate it. He and she are not appreciative that you said that he can see her every 4th night while you are there as he is changing the rules and coming and going over there ad hoc and lying in the process! In actuality islamically he owes you the time so you are giving sadaqah to her by saving you can have every 4th night but is it appreciated. NO
Now you've extended your stay 2 weeks and it sounds like he's seeing her more than every 4th night as planned. I'm gathering this from your surprise when he tells you he's going to spend the night with MM after your outing.
1:58 PM
My questions to you Safa are:
Do you think you deserve to be treated this way by your husband?
Do you believe love is something good or hurtful?
Are you waiting to hit rock bottom?
Who is your true love and is your suffering for Him alone?
What are you teaching your daughters through your marriage?
Are you worthy of more?
Now I must say well said Aoife! A husband is not the be all or the end all. Where do we find any where in the sunnah or the Qur'an telling the believing women to stay with liars and cheaters or abusers?! If the husband was trying to change, that would be something else, but that isn't the case here. Why should any Muslima have to live a life of pain, hurt and direspect willingly? Allah doesn't the condition of a people until they change that which is within themselves. Standing up and enjoining the maroof is apart of Islam. What good is going out to learn a hobby or to halaqa going to do for Safa if catches some illness through her husband escapades, laa qadrAllah. Laa ilaha ilallah.
6:13 PM
AsSalaamu A'laikum
Purposely not reading comments again. I give grace to a point and then it is time to yank the plug of support. You have to draw a line in the sand on this one kid and search your heart and make dua and prepare to bounce.
There is a verse in the Quran that I did not quote on purpose before but there is a need to quote it now.
24:3 Let no man guilty of adultery or fornication marry and but a woman similarly guilty, or an Unbeliever: nor let any but such a man or an Unbeliever marry such a woman: to the Believers such a thing is forbidden.
If your marriage was tainted by such an act then consider it tainted. You have a choice to look at it as if he was processed by an Islamic court and found guilty (in which case he would be stoned to death and you would be without a husband anyway) or ...
The rest of that was pointless. Look sister it is all in the Deen. When the man came to the prophet and exclaimed that he couldn't do any of the ordinances of Islam he told him fine then just don't lie. This of course is a trick answer because if you don't lie then you will be obligated to follow everything you humanly can within the Deen.
Your husband has lied to the extent of a common player from the hood, and you have to decide if you want to continue getting played.
Divorce sucks no doubt and it hurts like a Biznatch in heat but it is something that can be overcome. I ain't saying that it is gonna be easy, but I think that it is something that you start looking at seriously. Because if he plans to keep sampling the field then you have greater risks to think about. AIDS has hit the Muslim community too, we are not immune.
Don't think about how you are going to make it because Allah removes from you all possible excuses (of hopelessness) in the Quran. Everything will fall into place and everything is going to be alright.
Questions?? I really don't think that there is anything to ask him honestly. You have to ask yourself are you or are you not prepared to become a fully independant woman, actually in fact you have no choice but to because he has already threatened at sending you to a foriegn country and making you do just that. So I would say start now at looking at ways you are going to stand on your own two feet.
My Question, Are you ready??
8:56 PM
HA, I'm not so sure that the local Sheikh advising Safa's husband will make a difference. His behaviour...he knows it's wrong. That's why he responds with defensiveness, and moves into attack mode in many of these conflicts. He obviously doesn't seem bound by religious obligation, or he wouldn't have lied, married without advising her/getting her consent, etc.
Some brothers like their women religious, because they believe it will curtail their(the women's) behaviour and make them nice, submissive, easy-to-please wives. That's the oldest tale in the book, and countless families in Egypt were made of men seeking a 'religious woman' yet these men were never prepared to act as 'religious men'. It's a shame that someone so dedicated to her faith should not have a partner equally as dedicated.
12:09 AM
here, here......
12:50 AM
Safa, that family I described is my husband's family. His father was out there playing the field in a liberal and westernised Egypt. He thought a nice religious woman, about 6 years younger than he, would help settle him down. My husband said he most likely just wanted a young woman, without too many opinions, who would follow his lead. If she was religious, then she was dutiful. His family talked to her family. She was naive, 16, devoted to her faith, from a good and respectable family. I don't think it was long after marrying that she realised what she had gotten herself into. He was hardly a pious man. Her son, my husband, was born in the first year. His sister 2 years later. From what my husband said, she was miserable throughout his youth. His father was not a good husband, and not a great dad. He provided for them but there was no real companionship between his parents. All she had was her faith and her children. She couldn't use the faith against him effectively, but she did manage to use the children against him. To this day, she uses her children against him. My husband, to this day, has a horrible relationship with his father because he blames him for all of his mother's unhappiness.
Fourteen years after my husband was born, another 'surprise' arrived in the form of a little boy. Two years after that, a little girl. The father became more 'grandfatherly'. Of course, they're still married. Divorce for their generation was never an option. His mother presumably never knew romantic love. She seeks that in the Egyptian soap operas. To this day she does not get the emotional companionship from her husband that she needs, so she seeks it out in her own sons-an unhealthy and highly dysfuncational relationship. This is how the rest of her life will be. He doesn't go out drinking with friends. It's not likely that he keeps a mistress (he's old). Their story was written almost 35 years ago. It couldn't be revised. It wouldn't change.
Your story began a bit differently, Safa. I think you began your relationship with your husband in a more romantic way than my in-laws, from what I've read in your blog. Perhaps your husband was seeking a younger woman whom he could mold...guide. Perhaps this is a mid-life crisis for him. While all I know of you is from this blog, I can only tell you what I see: complete dysfunctionality and emotional upheaval. Your children's emotions, along with your own, are in complete chaos. Elation turns to anger quickly and without prediction. His deception has managed to undermind 15 years of a seemingly good marriage. Your kids see it in your face, even if you go to cry in the bathroom at Pizza Hut. If for no other reason than your 4 children, Safa, I think you need to regain some normalcy in your life. In their lives. You can deal with the "to divorce or not to divorce" later. I think in wanting to stay in Canada to keep this woman's claws out of your husband, you're sacrificing your sanity and emotional well-being of your children. Go back to Egypt, Safa. Ramadan is about 2 weeks away. You need some peace of mind. The kids need to feel like life is somewhat predictable and normal. It might feel like you're retreating, but this shouldn't feel like a battle. Which woman will win him over for more time? Don't think about that, my dear. You cannot control his actions, nor her actions, but you can control how you deal with it. You can control how your children manage through this difficult time in their lives. You can control how much drama enters your daily activities and prevents you from being a woman focused on her faith and her children.
1:14 PM
I think CairoGal said that very well. In all of the comments I have ever read as far as advice goes on this blog and others her comment speaks volumes.
6:38 PM
OMG....I just read cairogal's comment now. I'm crying and reading it. SubhanAllah......volumes are right....your comment speaks volumes....masha Allah.....
6:18 PM
You deserve some peace, dearest. Seek it out however you know best (Canadian Bacon is a nice start, though).
8:28 PM
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