answering all the Q's.........

I decided to answer them all in a post, so it would make for easy reading. I'm baring my soul here peoples, okay? I'm going to let ur little feelers find all the deep hidden things, gonna let them out....so be careful!! Feel free to comment as you want, I feel like the sleepy giant sneezing in his sleep. I feel that change is coming, too.

HA:
If you could go back in time to you at age 14, the same age as your eldest, what would you be able to tell your younger self about the life she was going to live? Would you be able to tell her all of this? What parts would you feel so sad to tell her? When you saw her sadness, what could you tell her about your future decisions to revive her spirits?
Safa: I would say that that even a knight in shining armor has to polish his armour once in a while. That I'll be lucky with 15 yrs of a happy marriage, some people don't get that much. I'd cry when I'd tell her that Allah is going to test her with her husband. And that it'll hurt so much, that the wonderful person that she is will fade away........but that before it's too late, she'll find a second wind, and will be able to manage with will happen later.

**********
PM:

1. What are the advantages of staying married to him, in terms of love, emotional support and financial support?Safa:
1. advantages of love....I love him purely....he loves me?? Not on the same scale. Emotional support: He tries, but it falls short before it even reaches the line. He expects that I look at his minor efforts and see something only superman is capable of. Puh-lease. Financial....he gives me lots of money in Egypt. A lot. At the same time, he yells at me for it. He has told me that he's going to cut it down. He has bought me a villa, a mansion in all aspects, and it has been sitting for a year, needing renovations and we can't move in. I've got a full time maid and live in gardener already there, waiting to serve me. In egypt, I drive a mercedes. It's nice, but I'd give it all up to have a full time husband.

2. How would divorcing him affect his relationship with his children? When a father is divorced from a custodial mother he has to make extra effort. Is he willing to do that?
Safa: I know he would move heavens and earth for his children. And when he found himself stuck he would say, "its for a reason". And that would be that.

3. How much effort does he make in being a father now? Does his own selfish desire for extra women in his life eclipse everything else? Would the kids really suffer or would it just be one of life's hard lessons -- that not all men are good husbands and fathers...
Safa: He makes a strong effort during the times he's with us. He's horrible at long distance emotional support. His selfish desires are hurting us all. It's a hard lesson for all of us, ur right.
4. You had your children at a young age. How do you want to spend your 40s AND 50s as your kids grow up and leave home? I know it seems a long time away but the day will come. What are your dreams for love and companionship, and does your husband share the same dreams?
Safa: I had wanted to spend my 40's and 50's with my husband who loves me, both old and grey haired....grandkids around us. I had wanted to establish a routine where we worshipped Allah first and foremost and all other things came 2nd. I wanted to sit in our front garden in wicker chairs and talk about the neighbours.

**********

J.:
1) How does your husband's ongoing mistreatment of you impact your daughters' self-esteem and view of marriage? How will this situation influence their future relationships with their own husbands?Safa: My daughters are suffering.....a couple of them aren't interested in marriage at all. (they are the oldest) I think that it will always be a fear of theirs about marriage.
2) Do you see yourself living the rest of your life enduring your husband's momentary whims and untruthfulness?
Safa: Don't kill me here......but #1...I don't see this sort of lifestyle allowing me my sanity....and #2....I deep, deep down inside want to believe that there is some sort of book where all this is written and that eventually we can turn to a fresh page. I'm trying to let go of that....but I'm a sucker for happy endings.
3) Does virtue really entail tolerating a man's sordid selfishness and lack of consideration for his family?
Safa: When you put it that way, I have to say no. Is that what I'm being, virtuous?
4) Where do you honestly think is the best place to raise your kids, Egypt or Canada? Consider education, their marriages, family support, legal system, etc...
Safa: Honestly? Egypt. But I have to give up that ideal now.
How will your husband treat your daughters when they become older and start asking him tough adult questions regarding his treatment of you? Will he flip out, insult, belittle and lie to them too?
Safa: I think he'll make himself out to be the martyr, or even someone who is victorious, making some sort of jihad.
What kind of impression of Islam are your daughters getting from this?
Safa: My 11 yr old says that she loves her father, even when he makes stupid decisions, they both think that he's working out the deen. Horrible impression.
**********

Ummlayla:
1. How would your divorce impact his relationship with the children?
Safa: I think I sorta answered this......but it would be horrible for him not to have access to them 24/7. I know how much he loves his kids and wants the best for them. The 14 yr old would drift away from him fast. She's already soooooo pissed.2. How does this divorce impact you? Does anything other than finances change? Do you lose some emotional support that maybe you haven't mentioned? Safa: Ohhhh, ummlayla.......I am burning inside....dying daily.....the emotional support is off and on, just like an old battery. What changes? I give up. ANd I love him so much, that it would kill me to have to take that step. Like I said....it burns.
3. Do you think he would own up to things if you stayed with him and try to straighten up his life? Could you live with it if he didn't?
Safa: Thats a good question. I don't know.......maybe I should ask him this?
4.Is he simply dragging you down or are there good things about him that you haven't mentioned?
Safa: Right now he is dragging me down. He has always been a wonderful husband, I mean, we had our rough times, but we've always had a "special" relationship......we could sit and talk for days, we truly enjoy each others company, he likes taking my advice, I talk to him like my best friend....we've always complemented each others half......and then I took the kids and moved to Egypt. After that......I really don't know what happened anymore. When he visits us in Egypt things were fine.....but after he started getting married, that's when the wierdness set in....
5. What are your reasons for staying with him outside of the religion and the kids?Safa: fear
6. Should one of us fellow bloggers come and knock some sense into him???LOL Safa: SubhanAllah, sister....he got beat up with an aluminum baseball bat, just 2 days before we came......I could never handle seeing him in physical pain.......even if it would help.......maybe I'll take you up on it another time....lolol! How about beating some sense into me??

**********

AOIFE:
1) If you go back to Egypt, what is the likelihood of you keeping custody of your children in the event of a hostile divorce?
Safa: girls stay with their mothers until 15 yrs of age, and then they decide.
2) What is the likelihood of keeping custody of your kids in Canada?
Safa: 100%
3) If its this hard to get half truths out of husband, what else could he be hiding?
Safa: This haunts me all the time. Catches me off guard and makes me hold my breath.
4) I've said it before, have you and/or hubby been tested for any, ahem, cough cough, social diseases?
Safa: I was looking into doing that today.
5) What are you willing to take as a woman, as a muslimah to keep your marriage going?
Safa: I think that's it. I've come to that line already. Enough is enough.
6) What will you absolutely not accept in your marriage?
Safa: Anything that goes against the laws set down by Allah swt. In most other aspects....I'm so DAMN patient.
7) What would you think of your mother if she put up with this situation for years and years until you grew up? Would you keep respecting her?
Safa: Well, my mom and dad got divorced......and honestly......I've never blamed either of them. If she would have stayed there with dad's BS, I suppose I would grow up feeling so sorry for her. Nothing else.

**********

Relief:
My question is how did Crystal know that you were in town to call you? Someone must have told her. I didn't ask her that.
Is she still in touch with hubby?
She told me that they still talk from time to time....more than that, I don't know. She wants to meet me, actually.....I'm considering it.

**********

UmmBadier:
what are you afraid of about being without a husband companion?
Safa: I've never been without him. I married him when I was 18 and he was just 24. He's all I know. I can't explain to you the anxious state I get in when I think of life without him.
Safa the Saving…do you worry that if you leave, you won’t be able to help him right himself?
Safa: I'm reading this and reading this question. I've started crying reading this question. Yes. If I leave, I worry that he won't be able to right himself, I don't want the hell fire for him.....
Do you fear losing the lifestyle you are accustomed to? Do you fear Allah will make your risq difficult to acquire?
Safa: On some level, yes. But on the other hand.......I know that Allah will provide, so my faith wins out. Insha Allah, we'll be fine.
The Girls? Do you think they will resent you for leaving their father?Safa: My 11 yr old will.
What are you doing for SOUND Islamic advise?
Safa: I have an appt with a sheikh from the mosque on Tues.

**********


Musulmana:
1) Would you like to see your daughters married to someone like you and/or in polygamous relationships?
Safa: I will ask him this.

**********
Vena:
I just wanna tell you, I hear ya baby. I've been doing the "I want Akhira" thing from the beginning.....but when it gets to the point where you find that you are going to be getting sins, cause of ur behaviour, ur reaction.....that' whole "I want Akhira" thingy goes out the door. I love ur positive post, and I pray that Allah rewards you. I love ya, baby.

**********

Cairogal:
What would your gut reaction be if a daughter/best friend came to you and relayed all of these stories?
Safa: I'd tell her to take a stand, and then hold her hand while she made it.

**********

Musleema:
Do you think you deserve to be treated this way by your husband?
Safa: Not at all.
Do you believe love is something good or hurtful?Safa: Maybe a little of both?
Are you waiting to hit rock bottom?WhSafa: It seems that way....subhanAllah.Who is your true love and is your suffering for Him alone?
Safa: It's Allah. Yes, my suffering is for Allah alone.....it's the whole religious obligation thingy.......
What are you teaching your daughters through your marriage?Safa: That mothers just sit home and does the dishes, while Daddy goes over to Tante's house or talks to Tante on the phone, or is sneaking over there....good muslimahs are patient with zipped lips. They are frustrated with me.Are you worthy of more?
Safa: I thought I was.

**********

Muhammad:
My Question, Are you ready??
Safa: No, I'm not. It's like the demon staring you in the face and you can smell its stank breath, see the mist.......and you say to urself......it ain't that bad....WAKE UP!! I'm dragging my feet thru mud here.....and I just want to believe......

**********

A few quick answers to HA.....I believe that MM is actually legally divorced from her ex. I saw a paper somewhere, but am not sure if it is finalized. My hubby and I are married by law, in Egypt and Canada. Hubby is married to MM islamically only. I am not going to meet MM, so sitting with a sheikh all three is impossible. MM is fighting in court to get her kids back....big story here......oh god....enough of the big stories....

So I hope that helps me.....it sure brings some sad truths around to me. I have another incident to report...so I'll make another post.