He'll HUFF and he'll PUFF......
I've arranged the meeting with the Big Bad Wolf for Sunday. I need a plan.......and advice........What I'm thinking is to discuss custody, money, visitation and divorce. Maybe not in that order..........what do you all think?
posted by Safa at 9:10 PM
15 Comments:
I think it is an excellent place to start. Be cool, calm and collected. Do not let him 'get to you'. Be strong - we know you can do it. We are all rooting for you - can you hear us cheering from the sidelines.
4:20 AM
He'll definitely try to bait you. Just remember you cannot control his behavior and be totally professional. Don't let him draw you into debates over rightness of wrongness of your actions or justifications. Just say, "I'd like to keep this about how we can move forward from here," if he tries. I don't know if this is really a good idea or not, but you might want to have something ready about divorce and how not to traumatize the children by demonizing the other parent. Maybe you can print something from online. Then you could just hand it to him as you leave. Hopefully, if he loves his children, he will read it and try to shape up.
I think all of those topics are good. Have your idea about everything you would like to arrange. Then when you talk about these subjects, give him time to talk and do not make it seem like you are not listening to him or are unbending. You can be firm about the very important things, but don't be confrontational about it. Stay calm, like egianqueen said.
I'm constantly amazed by the power of your psyche and your resolve and the wonderful grace and strength with which you have gotten to the place you are in. I know you can handle whatever comes your way.
5:56 AM
I agree...just keep calm, cool and collected. He needs to know that things are different now, that he can't get to you the way he could in the past. He needs to sense the "change" between marriage and not-marriage. Good luck!
8:59 AM
Allah be with you honey, and keep you strong. You are in my prayers.
9:09 AM
I second and third everyone else: do not react. If it were me I would start w/ the divorce. Let him know we are not just establishing temporary custody. I think that should shut him up pretty quickly. Then lead into custody, support, etc. I think he really believes that you will crack and go back to him.
Whatever insults he slings, you need to continue w/ your delivery. Good luck!!!
9:48 AM
I'm sort of thinking that if he gets out of control, I will stand up and tell him either he stops now, or I'm leaving.....AND I WILL LEAVE!!
I know he'll bait me....and I like the comment about not being goaded into right and wrong.....that's an easy argument to get into.....
I'll handing him the custody papers at the same time.....on my way to the lawyers this afternoon to pick them up....
I love your ideas everyone....keep them coming....
9:52 AM
I'm sort of thinking that if he gets out of control, I will stand up and tell him either he stops now, or I'm leaving.....AND I WILL LEAVE!!
I know he'll bait me....and I like the comment about not being goaded into right and wrong.....that's an easy argument to get into.....
I'll handing him the custody papers at the same time.....on my way to the lawyers this afternoon to pick them up....
I love your ideas everyone....keep them coming....
9:52 AM
I htink everyones ideas are way better than anyhting more I could come up with. May Allah continue to be with you and keep you strong....even though you won't talk to me I still love you....
1:23 PM
i second everything everyone else has said. Great advice. Making dua for you, insha Allah.
1:51 PM
I would start by making him understand the divorce is a done deal. Money, custody and visitation are all issues that he will have to work out with you at that point. If he won't do it in a civilized fashion, then he'll have to suffer the indignity of doing it in the court. I can't imagine a Canadian court being sympathetic to a polygynist who sent his Canadian wife to raise 5 kids in Egypt while he married someone else back in Canada.
Love you,
PM
2:22 PM
I think you also need to make clear that the discussion is about how to proceed since you wont be together. He will probably try to draw the discussion into what he is willing to do to get you back (i.e. the oh-so-great plan to divorce MM minutes before you step on the plane to Egypt). I would try not to get sidetracked onto a discussion on why that is not a good plan, and just say something like "I can't discuss that right now, I need these things resolved first." Also, something I have done when someone I am talking to gets out of control is simply close my mouth, breathe deeply and zone out for a bit. Then when they run out of steam just say "okay, can we keep going?" as though they just took a bathroom break.
2:39 PM
You mentioned a few days ago about the possibility of arranging a meeting with a sheikh as an intermediary. Is the upcoming meeting going to be between just the two of you, or will someone else be present?
I'm not sure how Canadian law works regarding the service of legal documents, but here in the States, legal papers of any kind must be served by a third party such as a friend, family member, law enforcement officer, etc. Since this practice comes from the British common law, which we adopted oh so long ago, the same might be true for Canada. It would be a good idea to double-check.
3:18 PM
I agree about the intermediary, he is not always the most calm or rational person.
4:24 PM
I suggest not mentining DIVORCE using that exact word, because knowing his temper, it might tick him off and you may not get to discuss the other things.
Im not saying to appease him or this or that. but for the sake of wisdom, talk about everything as if its a done deal and yur moving forward, just don't use the word so you don't unnecessarily push any buttons, while also getting what you want.
Make istikhara before you leave!
And. if he tries to convince you to go back to Egypt. Tell him you waited years, didn't get your time, and now you would like to move on with your life. Just as he has the right to do with his life what he thinks is best, so do you. And go on. But I think it is important to assert something brief like that in his face.
Also, yeh i hope yur not meeting alone or w/ a sheikh who will only take his side or something.
And i totaly agree. If he is rude, I think you should get up and say something like, 'I would have liked to conduct this meeting as mature adults. I see that is not possible right now. Good day!"
Be firm. I think you should talk about visitation, money, custody and then divorce,maybe in that order. just my opinion.
from the least to the most...
and if i were you, i wouldnt touch the hornet's nest about turning one's kids against the other parent.
He's an adult. He knows its wrong. He'll probably come back to you w/ something about how the other kids hate him and its yur fault or some junk like that. Who knows what he'll make up or what his perception is.
He knows his did the crime. All this other stuff, will be enough.
4:07 AM
I hear what you are all saying....it already seems like I'll be there for a few good hours!
The sheikh who I mentioned is sympathetic towards my husband....so I've decided not to have him present.....
What I am doing tho, is conducting this in a friends home......they will be leaving the room so we can talk....but if they hear any excess noise, they are to come back in......
I think divorce would be my last thing to talk about as well......in fact, maybe I won't even be the one to bring it up......and again.....I could really just leave that for another day. I will leave the hornets nest alone. He'll get the idea either way considering that next visit....2 of the kids aren't going......
5:59 AM
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