Polygamy hurts!
Is that what some of our brothers are resorting to? Is the need for a second wife so great? What drives you?
Tell me, Muslim Brother......what is it about the idea of a second wife that drives you to desperation?
The brothers whose family is on welfare. The brother who marries a second wife with money, so he doesn't have to worry about it. The brother who gets his wife to work.......what is it?
Now I'll accept that sometimes there just arises a situation that you weren't planning. But it doesn't mean that we take bad and make it worse.
Why can't a brother just turn away from a situation and say to himself......if I go farther than that I'll be opening up brand new doors. Is it just because it's allowed? Too bad that self castration wasn't allowed as well.......I'd love to see how many brothers would be beating down doors for that!! HAHAHA!!!
But okay. Polygyny is a part of islam. And surely in its justified, properly practiced form, it must be something glorious!
Lies and betrayal will remain lies and betrayal......shame on the brothers who lie and dupe their wives into P marriages by these methods!! You taint islam. How does that look to someone who is considering converting?
As a man, you have more responsibilities than just your self. So think about EVERYTHING before getting into a P marriage......DO IT RIGHT! (because I do believe that there is a right way to do this!!)
posted by Safa at 6:13 AM
19 Comments:
i love how everyone says "polygany is part of islam." polygany is not PART of islam, it is MERELY one thing that is allowed. it has absolutely no bearing on the righteousness of ones character, it is not a measure of how pious one is.
and don't forget. slavery is also allowed in islam. i don't see a bunch of people jumping up and down waving their hands saying "ooh ooh me me, i want a slave!!"
8:43 AM
If you are so hurt, and your husband keeps hurting you. And you feel he is a liar. Why do you stay? I mean can you make a list of why you stay in this marriage. Please don't use "He keeps telling me things are going to get better" I am not trying to be mean, I just would like to know why YOU(SAFA)stay.
4:22 PM
I don't know if it is me, but I find the word "polygany" irritating. As opposed to the more generic word, polygamy, which simply means multiple spouses, regardless of gender. It is as if somehow, in the Islamic orthodoxy, the word polygany is supposed to make the fact of polygamy less reprehensible. To make it something other than what it is.
Also, the slavery point is worth noting; in fact, in KSA, slavery was legal (though it is still widely practiced with a wink and a nod from the authorities) until the 1960s--which means that there are still people living there who were once slaves. But somehow they don't "mind" (or so it is thought) since it is "allowed" under Islam.
8:46 PM
Assalamu Aleikum wa Rahmatulahi wa barakatuhu,
Just for the record, I am not the above anonymous commenter, although I could be, as I have said those things in recent comments! LOL
Thanks to sisters Safiya and DP for giving me props!
All praises are to Allah (SWT).
All "props" are to our awesome deen and to those sisters who love Islam despite the weaknesses and the flaws of the Muslims!
Allahu Akbar!
11:25 PM
what the person above said.
not to mention people keep forgetting that ayat before it as if they dont go hand in hand.
If we ( the community) can't deal justly with the orphans and the windows; THEN you men among you (who can) marry 1,2,3 etc.
How come we use tafsir to explain conditions for other ayats but when it comes to these ayats we take the issues of the time completly out of the question?
Oh men who want more women, why are you not helping out oall the orphans and the widows? Besides Ayesha (ra) who the Prophet married before the wars what single woman did he marry when the wars began or were they only orphans and widows after this ayat came did he continue to marry more or did he stop?
People have the examples in their face and still say they can do all this extra. Seriously, if the Prophet (pbuh) were alive today would he saction all this mess now?
12:38 PM
salam alaikoum
in college i had my best friend leave islam...only Allah swt knows what is in our hearts, but a whole lot to do with it was a POORLY MANAGED P MARRIAGE.
I shudder to think what will happen to her ex husband on the day of judgement. i shudder to think what will happen to me too so i am equal opportunity on that one but still. I hate him. I still have hate in my heart for him. Anger.
I can't forgive him. I blame him. He tainted Islam for her. He could have shown her its beauty and instead he showed someone who manipulated the deen to justify himself and she left Islam. I lost a friend because he was too much of a selfish dumbass to make his p marriage work. where is she now? back at church in texas. She broke it off with me when i wanted to "stay muslim anyway" even tho i had no man at the time. Losing that friendship effed up all my future friendships because i was so scared. Bad p marriages hurt everyone.
2:52 PM
As salaamu alaikum,
I must say,as a brother who came across your blog, coming with the total opposite mindset
Seeing your pain makes me think
And reconsider
I think your blog, if you are trying to tell something to the brothers out there... might be working. You've presented a very reasonable condition for it as well. I can't conclude or judge if you are right or wrong, or cannot say I agree with what you say, but at least
I empathize with you and think of the feelings my own wife, my love.
3:14 PM
I agree with what Anonymous said, it's all a bunch of hype. A bunch people wanting to make a big deal. It's just causing hurt and confusion. There are so many other aspects in Islam, that we must follow. Polgyny is a right of a man, yes, but it's not a necessity, where as salat and yaqeen is a right on Allah and it's a necessity for us to obey Allah. I asked my husband if he would ever consider a second wife, he said I can barely handle you how can I have a second wife. For which I replied
ALHAMDULILLAH!!
Safa I pray for you, that Allah make right of your situation, remember Allah tests the one he loves.
3:50 PM
It is wrong to equate slavery with polygyny. It is highly encouraged to free slaves but no such discouragement of polygyny exists, instead a man is excused by Allah if he cannot give treat with evenhandedness all his wives.
4:129 You will never be able to do perfect justice between wives even if it is your ardent desire, so do not incline too much to one of them so as to leave the other hanging. And if you do justice, and do all that is right and fear Allâh by keeping away from all that is wrong, then Allâh is Ever Oft¬Forgiving, Most Merciful.
7:14 PM
anonymous who comments at 7:14 pm: Don't forget one of the conditions for forget is that IF YOU FEAR you won't be able to be just then don't do it. We're not talking about inword feelings and this and that, but we're talking about, some guy who definitely knows his first wife is a nag and he's looking for a 'way out' and will pretty much leav ethe first wife hanging, and not give her the due time allotted to her, IS THIS BROTHER NOW ALLOWED TO GO JUMP INTO POLYGAMY: nope.
and from what we see around us, or at least the ONES who tell their stories, they're obviously not getting equal treatment!!!! Its obvious the guy isn't putting himself out there to try his VERY BESTEST.
3:53 AM
I'm a divorced (and abandoned) single mother. My ex is not Muslim. If I met a man who was truly in love with his wife and his wife was a woman good and full of iman, and she told me she accepted it, I would marry such a man. Because right now I am working more than 10 hours a day and still not having enough chance to raise my son to be the kind of Muslim I want to raise him as. He is doing OK, alhamdulilah, but I wish I didn't have to leave him with my Christian family while I'm at work. Polygamy is for the woman, NOT THE MAN. I would never ever ever marry a man if he wanted to practice polygamy because of sexual needs. If that was the reason for it, Allah ta'ala could easily have said it that way. But He didn't. It's for the widows and the orphans. I'm not a widow and my son is not an orphan, but we might as well be. And we need help. I have gotten some help, alhamdulilah, but am still struggling so much that I'm working all day on Thanksgiving (here in the US) and over 14 hours the next day. I just want to lay down and go to sleep for 20 hours sometimes.
8:09 AM
It's really a shame. I hate how men use it to hold over our heads. I can take another wife if I want to. to keep us in line. Sickens me.
4:40 AM
anonymous at 3:53 what has forget to do with polygyny
8:57 AM
I know of a sister who too let Islam because of polygyny.The couple were together before the were even muslim.I believe they met when they were 16.So after like ten yrs of marriage he decides to get married.The second marriage ended quick and she didn't leave then but after that first time he married again,and again 4 wives at a time, this one leaves he replaces with another over and overagain he gets married.Then she finally left him and denounced Islam.
10:13 PM
anonymous who wants to sleep for 20 hours sometimes, i feel ya. I do agree that polygamy is for the woman and for the man it is responsibility. I guess the trouble in our day and age is that the man has taken the responsibility part out of it and taken it as a way to practice lust over and over again.
But i guess at some point...I go back n think a committed man doesn't go and bring another woman into the mix. My husband told me that the five rulings(fardh, recommended, halal, makrooh, forbidden) also apply to polygamy so for instance, for some men polygamy may be haram because lets say they can't support the wife or know they wouldn't be able to be just.
For another, it could be fardh because let's say his wife cannot have physical relations due to a physical problem of her own, should the man be deprived of this enjoyment if he can afford another woman? or should he resort to throwing this poor wife out whom he loves and getting another? In that case, wouldn't polygamy be better?
Anyway, in another case, where a man is living comfortably with his wife and he KNOWS that bringing another wife into the mix will pretty much ruin his marriage w/ the first, one of the rulings apply as well(i'm not sure which one).
Get my drift?
It just seems like (from what I read) that polygamy is now taken as a way to have a halal fling for guys without the strings or responsiblities. They may be having next to no money and be looking for a wife who won't ask for anything financially. I mean this is LAUGHABLE. And honestly, sometimes I can't blame the brothers. Where have the MINDS OF THE WOMEN GONE?
Why are sisters getting into STUPID arrangements w/ men that they would not wish on themselves if they were the first wife?
It's like us women are somtimes really the ones stabbing eachother in the back. Are we making sure the guy is honest w/ the first wife? If he's not, like its been said, chances are he ain't being perfectly honest with you either.
4:49 AM
Anonymous at 8:09 I feel sorry for you. Polygyny has been vilified so much by selfish feminists that even men who can afford two wives are not willing because of fear of upsetting the first wife. There are hundreds of thousands of women in Egypt India morocco Pakistan Indonesia in their thirties and beyond who cannot get married because of there not being enough men with financial means to get married.
9:10 AM
Anon 8:04, I understand where you're coming from, but you have to be realistic. The way the world is today, most husbands are busy, even the ones without jobs. I don't see how polygyny would help you a) stop working and b) have more time to raise your son unless you are able to marry someone well off? From what I have seen back in the states, a lot second wives still have to work after entering polygyny and on top of that they only have part time with their spouse. With two wives a husband hardly has time to watch his own children, let alone babysit a child that's not his. I've never seen it to be honest. Just read through Safa's blog, she hardly gets a day to herself.
5:32 PM
This is wanting to sleep anon. Maybe it is unique to the area I live in, but I know many good Muslim families who appear (and of course appearances are not everything) to be doing fine. I see huge houses, nice cars, etc. I think some of them can afford it. I actually know that some, many who are good, decent, honest men can afford it. There's no way I would marry someone who can't even take care of his first wife. But I don't see to many good practing brothers who are really struggling. And again, maybe that's just in my area. I have no way of knowing. But I would never suggest it to anyone because I would never want to hurt anyone. The people you are talking about are not the kind of brothers I see in my Muslim community, alhamdulilah.... I think unfortunately the only kind of man who would suggest it would be the kind I don't want! And actually, there are men who have gone out of their way to be kind to my son and suggest he spend more time with their kids, and come stay at the house, etc. These kind of people have also given me zakat that has helped me immensely. Alhamdulilah.
7:04 PM
Well now that I'm over it I can say primarily the sex. Except for some brothers who are actually just looking for a retreat or they can't bring themselves to grips ending the first marriage because of whatever factors and they decide that polygamy is better than divorce.
I have thought about polygamy for quite sometime and for me regardless of whatever window dressing I put on it has been the hope of copious amounts of debaucherous sex. Had I tried to come to this understanding whilst I was younger it probably wouldn't have happened and it definitely wouldn't have happened whilst I was single.
Women are great. They are soft and pretty and great to look at, the way they move and smile and talk and giggle, and if you are into watching them it is entrancing. It is downright better than cocaine to find out that another likes you and doesn't care about the first (assuming he is man enough to say he has a first) It is like falling in love for the first time and if you have fallen in love before you know how potent that feeling is and it is addictive. So it is a thrill, but in reality it is mostly a shahwa and it comes and goes like the wind. One minute you are all on it and the next you are fine and like Eh oh well.
For a man who hasn't found what love is then it is a definite attraction. It is something that lies deep in the male psyche, part of it has to do with procreation (or the longing for practice there of) and the second for the other type of man has to do with power. These two key desires lie at the base of every polygamous urge. The next higher urge up from that is riyaa and that is showing off to ones compatriots. I say that this is a higher urge not being a better urge but one that doesn't lie in base desires. This urge is on the same level as buying a Ferrari because you can. You can live without the Ferrari and get along just fine in the Lexus, but the wow factor of a Ferrari is over the top. Second wives on this level are in fact possessions that can be traded or barnyarded.
In truth I suppose Polygamy and unbridled sexfests weren't for me in the first place. Firstly because I am a responsible father and how am I supposed to raise daughters like that? Not in the best benefit of my girls. After everything blows over and you are into the day in day out humdrum of life fantasy fades and reality becomes apparent.
So No P for me, It would be grossly unfair as I love my wife too incredibly much to even try to be equitable. I found that out this last go round.
I hope I answered your questions Safa I know I didn't go down the list and answer them directly but if you have any questions you know where to find me.
2:19 PM
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