To the second wife....
Here you are! Somehow you've found my blog, and I'm thankful. Has a man proposed marriage to you and you will be his second wife? How very nice. It seems that you too, are about to board a rollercoaster. In fact, I believe it's the very same one as the first wife......let me extend my hand to you.
Hold it.
We are the same.
In reality, the first wife, and the second are on the same ride. Why would something be different? Aren't we both attempting the same thing? A successful P marriage? Then let's be realistic.....
To the second wife.......who is scared and worried.....
If you know about this man having a family, then you HAVE to protect yourself. It seems that too many P marriages just don't last. So if you want to keep alive the idea that you'll be together forever.....you've got to start on the right foot.
Please make sure of the following:
*the first wife KNOWS
*the first wife AGREES
*he can afford you both
*that you don't live more than 1 hour away from each other
In order.....THE FIRST WIFE HAS TO KNOW! Don't agree to some secret marriage that he plans on telling the first wife later. DON"T! Would you want him to do that to you? Because it's a behaviour pattern.......RESPECT the first wife, even if only as a woman! Don't believe the man's talk about wanting to bring it to her gently......about not hurting the kids......DON"T BELIEVE IT! Stop the shaytan working on YOU by not listening to excuses.....
Because if a man truly FEARS ALLAH, then he will tell his wife, because he's on the straight path. He wouldn't fear her wrath, her pain or her tears. He'll fear ALLAH, and start out a beautiful marriage with HONESTY!
It's safe to assume if your new prospective husband is starting out by having you join him in keeping secrets, that he's kept a few from you as well.
If you have met your husband off the internet......BE CAREFUL! Do you know how many stories I've heard about internet marriages? Where the brother is telling the prospective wife....
*don't call my cell phone, I'll call you!
*I live with my parents.....
*I'll meet you at a hotel....
Doesn't this paint red signs in front of your eyes???
But if you KNOW what you are stepping into......then please, please, please....protect yourself.
*Ask for Mahr.
Not like $500 LE or a fairytale trip to Mecca......Do you realize that MAHR is to be paid before the consummation? So the trip to Mecca doesn't count, unless you will go immediately! Ask for some jewellery worth MONEY! Ask for a piece of land in your name! Ask for something that will prove to you that this man can afford you....don't go cheap, okay?
*Have your own place.
Please. A brother who wants another wife and is trying to convince you to live with the existing wife is suffering from Holy Pious Syndrome. He's thinking that you are all going to be one big happy family. I don't think it's that easy from the get go. Get ur own place and perhaps promise to consider moving in together if things go well.
*Division of time
No excuses for the kids. If he needs to be with his kids on YOUR NIGHT....then he brings them with him. But if we are talking 16 and 20 yr olds....puh lease. But if there are kids, he doesn't have to take off and go see them every night on your night. Maybe you can bring them out with you for awhile.......but taking off for the kids isn't a valid constant excuse.
*Money
He has to take care of you. Even if you are filthy rich, he still has to give you money. If you waive your rights to it, then that's fine. It would probably be better not to. You don't have to tell your prospective in full detail what money you have and what you do with it. Its yours. And he has nothing to do with it.
About living not more than an hour away....
I'm thinking about my own situation. A man has a hard time being fair between two wives the farther apart they are. And if he already has children with the first wife......well......there will be a constant pull towards the other house. You may want to close your eyes and not believe it.....but it's there.
~~~~
But what about a woman who KNOWS the man is married....and agrees to the secret marriage? She may even be your friend......what if this happens? Well, then wake up....
She's not ur friend.
Don't allow yourself to be this woman. Not for any man! Maybe no one ever told you? You believed the mans lies? But if you KNOW the man is married.....it's your responsibility as a woman to make sure that the way is clear. Oh sure, Allah will ask the man.......but can you live with the guilt that you'll feel having duped another woman?
It's against the code.
My dear sisters in Islam....we need to wake up. We need to become a strong hand of sisters helping one another. Don't be duped by the brothers! I've heard enough stories of them saying......
ITS OUR RIGHT!
Yet they don't pray!
or
ITS OUR RIGHT!
Yet they don't respect their wife
or
ITS OUR RIGHT!
While 6 or 7 kids run around!
or
ITS OUR RIGHT!
and they don't even support their own family......
So lets wake up together......NOW!
(tomorrow.....the key to a successful P Marriage...)
Hold it.
We are the same.
In reality, the first wife, and the second are on the same ride. Why would something be different? Aren't we both attempting the same thing? A successful P marriage? Then let's be realistic.....
To the second wife.......who is scared and worried.....
If you know about this man having a family, then you HAVE to protect yourself. It seems that too many P marriages just don't last. So if you want to keep alive the idea that you'll be together forever.....you've got to start on the right foot.
Please make sure of the following:
*the first wife KNOWS
*the first wife AGREES
*he can afford you both
*that you don't live more than 1 hour away from each other
In order.....THE FIRST WIFE HAS TO KNOW! Don't agree to some secret marriage that he plans on telling the first wife later. DON"T! Would you want him to do that to you? Because it's a behaviour pattern.......RESPECT the first wife, even if only as a woman! Don't believe the man's talk about wanting to bring it to her gently......about not hurting the kids......DON"T BELIEVE IT! Stop the shaytan working on YOU by not listening to excuses.....
Because if a man truly FEARS ALLAH, then he will tell his wife, because he's on the straight path. He wouldn't fear her wrath, her pain or her tears. He'll fear ALLAH, and start out a beautiful marriage with HONESTY!
It's safe to assume if your new prospective husband is starting out by having you join him in keeping secrets, that he's kept a few from you as well.
If you have met your husband off the internet......BE CAREFUL! Do you know how many stories I've heard about internet marriages? Where the brother is telling the prospective wife....
*don't call my cell phone, I'll call you!
*I live with my parents.....
*I'll meet you at a hotel....
Doesn't this paint red signs in front of your eyes???
But if you KNOW what you are stepping into......then please, please, please....protect yourself.
*Ask for Mahr.
Not like $500 LE or a fairytale trip to Mecca......Do you realize that MAHR is to be paid before the consummation? So the trip to Mecca doesn't count, unless you will go immediately! Ask for some jewellery worth MONEY! Ask for a piece of land in your name! Ask for something that will prove to you that this man can afford you....don't go cheap, okay?
*Have your own place.
Please. A brother who wants another wife and is trying to convince you to live with the existing wife is suffering from Holy Pious Syndrome. He's thinking that you are all going to be one big happy family. I don't think it's that easy from the get go. Get ur own place and perhaps promise to consider moving in together if things go well.
*Division of time
No excuses for the kids. If he needs to be with his kids on YOUR NIGHT....then he brings them with him. But if we are talking 16 and 20 yr olds....puh lease. But if there are kids, he doesn't have to take off and go see them every night on your night. Maybe you can bring them out with you for awhile.......but taking off for the kids isn't a valid constant excuse.
*Money
He has to take care of you. Even if you are filthy rich, he still has to give you money. If you waive your rights to it, then that's fine. It would probably be better not to. You don't have to tell your prospective in full detail what money you have and what you do with it. Its yours. And he has nothing to do with it.
About living not more than an hour away....
I'm thinking about my own situation. A man has a hard time being fair between two wives the farther apart they are. And if he already has children with the first wife......well......there will be a constant pull towards the other house. You may want to close your eyes and not believe it.....but it's there.
~~~~
But what about a woman who KNOWS the man is married....and agrees to the secret marriage? She may even be your friend......what if this happens? Well, then wake up....
She's not ur friend.
Don't allow yourself to be this woman. Not for any man! Maybe no one ever told you? You believed the mans lies? But if you KNOW the man is married.....it's your responsibility as a woman to make sure that the way is clear. Oh sure, Allah will ask the man.......but can you live with the guilt that you'll feel having duped another woman?
It's against the code.
My dear sisters in Islam....we need to wake up. We need to become a strong hand of sisters helping one another. Don't be duped by the brothers! I've heard enough stories of them saying......
ITS OUR RIGHT!
Yet they don't pray!
or
ITS OUR RIGHT!
Yet they don't respect their wife
or
ITS OUR RIGHT!
While 6 or 7 kids run around!
or
ITS OUR RIGHT!
and they don't even support their own family......
So lets wake up together......NOW!
(tomorrow.....the key to a successful P Marriage...)
posted by Safa at 3:41 AM
9 Comments:
Can't wait...
5:08 AM
Salamu alaykum Safa,
That was some very good advice my dear girl. I almost want to share that one with my husband but I know he'll try to rebut half the stuff with but what's the daleel (evidence). Common sense is the evidence that it's the right thing to do as everything is not spelled out in the qur'an and sunnah.
11:13 AM
tomorrow.....the key to a successful P Marriage
I think I'll skip that one, since I liked these 3 posts and since I am fairly certain there is no such thing as a successful P marriage, your post is likely to disappoint. :-)
12:20 PM
Gandalf:
If we accept that there's no such thing as a successful P marriage then are we also to accept that Allah, The Wise, is mocking us in some way by offering our men something that is practically impossible to implement? I'm confused! Perhaps this part of Islamic law should have been abrogated just before the Prophet (saw) died as he (saw)seems to be the only one that was able to do it justly (even though his wives were at times, jealous to some degree). What do you think? Could you please define what 'successful' means to you in terms of a P marriage? I'm curious to know whether or not the Prophet's marriages meet YOUR definition of 'successful'.
2:13 PM
Holy Pious Syndrome
LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL
2:17 PM
Now I'm going to have to join in the "Oh my Gandy's" haha
6:11 PM
Salam alaikoum
My MIL has always said, "why is it the ones who always talk about their rights in Islam (e.g. wives) forget about their responsibilities (e.g. paying for both of them) she was talking about simply praying. She only knows a few men in p marriages who actually even PRAY. I know some of the husbands who do at least pray but I have often pondered this whole balance of treatment, money and TIME. For my MIL it all boils down to the time. If you are fair with the time everything falls into place in her opinion, but for some reason that seems to be the hardest thing to do in a p marriage. DOn't know why.
But speaking of the men who do pray,woo hoo, it's like the chris rock skit, "You're not in jail? what do you want a cookie? you're supposed to not be in jail"
9:17 PM
If we accept that there's no such thing as a successful P marriage then are we also to accept that Allah, The Wise, is mocking us in some way by offering our men something that is practically impossible to implement? I'm confused!
May be God is warning us by saying hey you can't do it even if it is legal.
Or may be God is also mocking us when the Quran allows men to have sex with slaves. May be we should reinstitute slavery and concubinage too!
I'm curious to know whether or not the Prophet's marriages meet YOUR definition of 'successful'.
The definition of 'successful' for the Prophet's marriages would probably be very different from that of an average Joe's marriages.
Also, the Prophet had 9 wives and several concubines at one point in time, while the average Joe is allowed only four and even then there are restrictions.
8:49 AM
Asalaam alaikum,
To me, the second wife is not like me, a betrayed first wife. No matter how I try to put myself in her shoes, she is nothing like me.
She is a sister who was lonely and needed a husband. She agreed to marry a man whose wife was clearly feeling hurt that the man was considering polygyny. But the other sister doesn't care - she just wants a man, and polygyny is halal, so why care about her own sister in Islam when she gains a brother to marry? So what that his wife is depressed and in agony over the loss?
As hard as I try not to, I seriously resent the sister who marries a brother when his wife is all messed up about it. That's not sisterhood.
One might say that true sisterhood would be for sisters to want to share their husbands with other Muslimas who are in need. That's just a method to lay on a guilt trip. I wish I had understood this aspect of Islam better before marrying this man - but no need to dwell on what could have been, because it never was. This is it.
1:07 PM
Post a Comment
<< Home