Crossing the bridge.......
Since Friday night I've known that something is wrong.
Upside down?
Strange?
Not right?
Well yeah, that's what I mean. I pointedly asked hubby on Friday night......."What's wrong?" He told me he's fine. But could not look in my eyes.
Saturday comes.......we have this full spread breakfast to die for......I can't even tell you all the goodies I made. Hubby perked up a bit. My oldest comes to me and says, "Baba's not okay."
How? I ask. She says he just isn't himself. Yeah, I see it too. Hubby goes out and brings us fresh figs home. They taste awful. It's the end of the season and they aren't even sweet. He seems sad now. For dinner, I outdo myself. Among the seafood items, I've cooked Dungares Crab. We really enjoy eating it. Using the nutcracker, out teeth, etc etc. There is some laughter and good conversation at our table.
Later the oldest tells her father...."I was gonna go to bed before we ate, but its good that I stayed up! I'd have been so upset if I woke up and found the crab finished!!"
Her father looks at her and says....."If I was the one running the household, I'd have kept your crab aside for you. No one would have eaten it." And then he sort of shakes his head and blows out his breath.
I sit across from him and watch this. Translation? Mother has no control over anything. She is unorganized. She doesn't take care of anyones rights in this house.
This is what he has to offer? Where is the Thanks, Safa for the great dinner! Crab? What fun that was! Where is the acknowledgement for my efforts? But a put down? Why do I kill myself with the kids and always give excuses for his behaviour? I am quick to tell the girls when he's forgotten yet another promise.......Your father is very busy. He probably has something else planned........etc.etc.
I have to decide on how I'm going to approach this piece of bad behaviour. My oldest defended me BTW when he made that comment.
Saturday late evening. He's still not okay. Sigh.
Sunday morning. He is eating a light breakfast and I ask him again..........are you okay? He's fine. I tell him, you aren't acting normal. He says he's got a lot on his mind. It sure seems so. He goes to cut his nails and the nail clippers break. He's visually upset. In the evening he goes to the mosque for a class. He comes back and livens up a bit as he preaches the lesson to us.
I sit thru part of it while grinding my teeth silently. I can't stand how he focuses on parts that suit him. I can't question him. I can't guide his thinking another way. He's always on a roll when he repeats the lessons to us. He makes a point about how I throw out a lot of stuff from the fridge. I disagree, yet he seems to believe himself.
Baby makes a stinky..........FREEDOM!!! So I give baby a bath. And unfortunately, leave the kids to listen. The kids all go to bed and again, I ask him why he's not acting normal. He says he's under pressure.......so I get all brave and tell him.....
"Lowh inta zalaan minee, oolee bas. Wallahi ana harayahik. Ana midarsh toshoofik kidda."
"If you are upset with me, just say it. I swear to God, I'll make it better. I'm not able to look at you like this"
He tells me that it's just pressure. He's fine.
~~~~
I decide to check his cellphone and find out what's going on. Ahhhhhhhhh. Now I think I see the problem.
Friday night.....
he rec'd a text message from MM - deleted.
he calls her and talks for 15 mins - then his phone runs outta money
he gets another phone card and talks for 19 more mins - runs outta money again (that should be worth $100 LE!)
He gets two messages from MM - deleted
and then a message from MM's best friend - deleted
I guess I can see the problem.
Saturday......
He receives 3 texts from MM - deleted
He calls her twice and talks for 22 secs each. (I guess it's an answering machine)
Sunday..........
He talks to her for 9 mins during the day.
and then....
r u ready?
and then....
he has 39 missed calls from her!!!!! 39 MISSED CALLS???? WTH??????
2 text messages - deleted!
~~~~
After Fajr prayer.......i thought about those 39 missed calls. OMG! When I checked the times of them, she was calling every 2 mins. Sometimes 3 or 4 mins. OMG! SubhanAllah! I was thinking of the torture she must be feeling. The obsessive pushing of buttons on her cell phone. 39 missed calls in just over a 2 hour period.
As much as I don't like her.......i hurt for her. Do you think it would make me happy knowing that my husband was a complete jerk? That he sits among his children looking tortured, while running away from a desperate woman? He doesn't even have the decency to talk to her? To at least answer her and say.....I don't want to talk to you right now?
Yes, I hurt for her. She deserves better from her husband.
~~~~
Monday morning. I get up early and get the kids off to school. Usually they walk, but this A.M. I drove them. Then I stop off at the store and buy new nail clippers. Then I see my hubby's favourite gum. So I buy him a package. I rush home and take those horrible figs outta the fridge and make jam outta them. I don't waste anything.
I give him the nail clippers and he's surprised. I laugh it off. When I put down breakfast, I include the fig jam. I pointedly mention that I don't throw ANYTHING out. I wonder if somewhere in his brain he finally digests this fact? Before he leaves, I give him his package of gum.
~~~~
I think I've finally come to the conclusion that I really don't like this man anymore. He's just mean. So unlike the person he was 16 yrs ago, even 10 years ago, subhanAllah, even 4 years ago. He's changed.
And I truly wonder what is in store for us? Will my newfound patience leave? Will he continue to be an ogre? Maybe he'll crack? Can you see it? Add to that......he's gained 20 lbs.
And I hurt for him, but not with him. He's made his own choices. And I just stand off to the side, waiting to see what's going to happen. I still have the option of flittering.......
Isn't this all just so screwed up?
Alhamdulillah!! Alhamdulillah!!
~~~~
You know what I feel like? I feel like I'm walking on a bridge.......and being brave, I decide to look over the side......and to my surprise, I see my husband in the water. And he's yelling something. When I can finally make out his words he's saying something like...."Don't bother getting wet, Safa.....you know how you hate to wrinkle ur clothes".....and then he starts to drown.
I got no choice but to watch him from that bridge. Watching him drown. And being a jerk to the very end.
And I think it's better that way. I do. He's gotta work his way outta this himself. Don't you agree?
I pray I have the ability to cross this bridge.....with my heart, my sanity and my good attitude intact. Ya Rab!!!!
posted by Safa at 5:19 AM
13 Comments:
Assalamu Alaykum Dearest Safa!! Believe it or not our situations are so similar it's not even funny, -----unfortunately. OK, in my situation I came to your same conclusion, I had to let him do what he was gonna do and sit back and watch the train wreck. I quote I even said to him "I can't save you from yourself". I would like to give you a peice of advise, I use to do what you do, check the cell phone, being the private investigator. No matter what that shaytan is whispering in your ear--DO NOT PICK UP HIS PHONE!!! It only causes more anger on your part (every time you read some kind of nicety it brings your heart to a raging flame) (lol, wait that's me), your going thru a roller coaster of emotions that isn't even necessary for you to be feeling. Try not to get sucked into HIS mess. It is his MESS!!!! You aren't gonna be asked about it on the Day Of Judgement, but you are gonna be asked about the spying on his phone. I know in our heads we make it right, well he did this to me and blah blah blah or I gotta figure out what is going on so I can make things better!! NO, YOU CAN'T, it's with Allah!!! As ugly as the word spying is, that is exactly what we are doing!!!! I had a sister in Islam give me some advice, and it went something like this, "Leave the man alone, let him deal with it, he's not yours, he's a loan from Allah, ignore the problem the best you can (believe me, I know it's near impossible), live your life. If he isn't beating on you and he's financially taking care of you and your kids, then use him as a tool to get to heaven." Leave him alone, he's in his own mental hell right now!!! Take care of your own mental health, because your kids depend on you for stability. I look at my situation as a test, if I fail this one and give up after all these years (I've been married as long as you have and have more kids)and leave or make more havoc, maybe Allah will test me with something else equally as painful or more (so why not just pass this one). Unfortunately when your married with kids, it's not like you can just pick up and go, do the best you can. This life is a test, you know this, pass it WOMAN!!! He's human, and thank Allah you aren't in his situation and responsible for everything like him. You won't be asked about his actions, however he will be asked about you and perhaps the tears you've shed will get you right into heaven, really fast. However, if you keep spying on that phone, it could take you far away----you know what the PROPHET said about spying.... I'm proud of you, you have come a long way. I know this is long and you may just read it for you which is cool. You are NOT alone, there are plenty of us out there. People who loved so much it physically hurt, that itself is a test. Maybe the whole reason for our pain is so that we put Allah first, maybe our love for our husbands is Haram and Allah is taking some of it away so that we go to heaven. Allahu Alim, but what I do know is that whatever we are going thru it's from Allah, Alhamdulillah!!!! From one sister to another, I have so much respect and love for you and InshaAllah your heart rests soon.
Your sister Su
7:00 AM
Sigh. Gotta stop looking at his cell phone. I know. The funny thing is, his cell phone doesn't send messages to her for some reason. He's even brought it into a store, they have no idea what the problem is.
So I've been spared whatever he's writing to her.
Make dua for me to stop, cuz I sure am not able to right now.
7:22 AM
Salam Alaikum my sweetest friend,
Ya rubb.... I am thinking fo some of our conversations recently. There is so much pain -- too much, even if we spread it all around the involved parties. This is what polygyny is at some point for everyone who ventures into it. Oh sure, the hell mught be fleeting for some and they'll come to live with it comfortably, insha'Allah. But how do you preserve your feelings for the man that does this to people -- to his wives and to his children?
I have had a great sadness overtake me today about polygyny. It started with my own issues and then it continues with yours, may God bless you sister. I suspect if all our P-buddies were writing we'd see a lot of pain today. It makes me so tired and depressed. I'll email you later and I feel a blog post coming on.
May Allah preserve your faith and your goodness, and bring joy into your life through your precious children. Ameen.
PM
8:09 AM
Hi Safa,
it looks like you are under high pressure, and balancing your mind.
What you say, that you don't like this man anymore... I hope that you don't like the situation, and that you put a part of the blame on him - which is fair.
But when you write " To at least answer her and say.....I don't want to talk to you right now? Yes, I hurt for her. She deserves better from her husband." I'm afraid you're unfair to your husband.
I remember all you said about MM calling, and refusing to give your time, and even sending SMS to you when you did not want.
There are some women who don't accept a "no", and from everything you said, she is one of them. How can you know your husband did not say he doesn't want to talk to her anymore ?
How do you know whe is not making some kind of sentimental blackmailing on him ? Men don't know how to resist these kind of things...
His phone does not concern you.
He made a decision, and he sticks to it. And he is able to tell you he is under pressure, and imply his bad mood is not related to you.
Trusting him on that, and trusting him in dealing with that his way is your part of "rebuilding this marriage".
Rebuilding a marriage is not only forgiving and doing everything you can to be kind to the other, it is more than anything, rebuilding your own involvement in this marriage, your trust in your husband.
The other behaviours from your husband are not that nice, but that has nothing to see with his phone.
Both of you should be very careful of arguing about your true concerns. Not the side ones, but your real difficulties. You seem both of you to have a way to express them through other complaints, and that won't help you in the future.
That being said, I remember I wrote you once I was not able to rebuild this trust, so I know how difficult my advice is to follow.
10:13 AM
"I think I've finally come to the conclusion that I really don't like this man anymore."
Wow, that is one powerful realisation. I'm thinking of you, Safa, and hope the answer to this mess is in sight. Take care of you...
1:10 PM
Wow, subhanAllah, I feel for you Safa. I'm sorry you're going through this crap. I hate to reiterate but...step away from the phone.
1:17 PM
you know that many many muslims do not accept polygyny. i understand that as a convert you are more prepared to accept your particular madhahib regarding polygyny, especially since it's hard to convert and be a liberal muslim since you have to constantly prove to born muslims that you really are the real deal. but it should be a choice for you! new feminist interpretations look at the provision by allah in the quran for more than one wife (if you can deal justly with them) as prohibiting polygyny because it is not actually possible to deal fairly with more than one wife. even the prophet (saaw) favored aisha over all his wives! just something to think about. :)
i really wish you the best in whatever you decide.
2:24 PM
A few years ago I asked the smartest woman I know if we get meaner as we get older. "No," she said, "I think we just get more like ourselves."
I agree with her. As we get older we tend to care less about what others think of us, so we strip away the niceties that we used to pretend were part of our character and just get down to the nitty gritty of being ourselves. I think there are naturally kind people who settle into being more kind, more forgiving, more generous with others as they age. And you, dear Safa, are most definitely in that category.
But I do wonder about your husband. I wonder if this meanness of character you've observed so acutely over the last few years is really just his essential nature, stripped of the patina of niceties he used to paint over it to blend in better. You say that he used to be a different person, and I wonder if that's really the case. I wonder if maybe being around you raised him up and made him a better person, a better Muslim, and now that he's strayed so far he's given up even trying to be better. Does that make sense?
I also wonder if he despises himself for the way he's treated you, and instead of being a man and facing the reality of what he's done to you and your family he takes the chickenpoop way out and despises you instead. Transference, I think is what it's called by people who know more than I.
4:57 PM
Assalam alaikum, that's what I keep saying. you are much better if he just leaves to work somewhere and leaves you and the kids alone!!!
9:20 PM
Excellent, TVDinner.....what you said makes LOTS of sense.
About hubby despising himself? I don't know how he really feels. But I suspect that he's forgotten the bad way that he's introduced us to his behaviour and prolly feels justified in marrying another wife. He prolly says to himself....."I didn't do anything haraam."
I think he's long since forgave himself and figured out a million ways to justify everything.
But deep inside? I hope he does despise himself and feel like shit. That's how I'd feel. Allahu Alem.
10:19 PM
I really think you hit the nail on the head. Even if you have to watch him drown, you cant help someone who doesnt want any help, or thinks he's always right, or doesnt want to change. I think he'd be too busy putting you down to catch the life preserver you're trying to throw him. I think I'd give him lots of space these days. Do your duty but keep out of his way as much as you can. He obviously has to think about a lot of things, and hopefully realize he has to change. Du'ahs for you Safa!
11:34 PM
Safa, to be honest, there are days when I read your blog and I marvel at your ability to stay with this man. Then there are days where I read your blog and I am so angry that you stay with this man. Then there are those days when it completely understand your desire to maintain this mariage. I dont know why one I feel today.
Cairogal said it best for me, that is one very very powerful statement.
I just guess your blog is always a humbling experience for me. Esp given my own journey through divorce.....
lost bedouin
11:51 PM
Assallamu Alaykum,
Subhanallah! Seek rufuge in Allah from the shayateen. I cried after this post because I have felt this way about my husband when he told a new muslim girl who liked him and wanted to marry him that She does not look better than me and that she was wack when she did not show him all her test results. Coldness, it gives me a chill. I am going to make dua for your husband and you also. It is permissable for a husband to divorce a wife that is causing fitnah. our husband may not be good in choosing women to marry but at least Inshallah he is willing to take another wife to remain chaste. His life is hard too, he seems to want to break free, Make Dua!! May Allah guide you Amin.
11:49 PM
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