At the ready.....
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I opened your closet yesterday and just stood back. Like always....your clothes are at the ready. I stood there gazing into it and thinking about how simple life must be for you. How simple I have made the mundane things. The way I wash your glasses each and every morning.......the way I lay the prayer rug in the livingroom.....your steaming coffee and some breakfast items. Today it was muffins that I made when I woke up at 7 am. How simple I make it all for you. Remember when you told me that your lips were chapped? I kept that in mind when I went out of the house 2 days later. I bought you chapstick. And put it beside your brush. Yes, I remembered. Remember when you said that the dashboard in the SUV didn't look shiny enough? I told you I knew how to keep it shiny? And then you found the small bottle of Armour All that I placed inside? I kept that in mind.
And I stand here gazing at your clothes.....
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* 3 fall jackets
*6 suits
*6 blazers
*19 pairs of pants
*25 dress shirts short and long sleeved
*13 long sleeve cotton shirts
*27 short sleeve cotton shirts
*5 handkerchiefs
*7 Galabeeyas
*26 pairs of shoes and running shoes
*15 underwears and undershirts / folded together
*belts / ties / prayer hats / etc. etc.
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All of these clothes.....at the ready! All ironed, folded, polished. Bars of soap unwrapped placed lovingly between these clothes to impart the smell. The suits in special suit bags that I bought to keep them free of dust. When you open your closet......it smells.....clean.I'm pleased at my dedication to this. I'm pleased when I open your closet.
Then I go and check the laundry basket for any of your clothes. Just the underclothes you took off for your shower. I have one pair of jeans to iron.
Do you realize the effort I've put into making this closet? Do you appreciate it? I know you like your things that way. And when I was in Canada, I was shocked at what I saw. All your clothes unironed. Your closet a mess. Nothing in any sort of known order that I could understand. How can you accept this? Or maybe.........maybe having your clothes ready in your closet was something you wanted to aspire to. It didn't live inside of you.
Well......I've done that for you. As I've done many other things. And I'm pleased to do it. Pleased to make you happy. Pleased to move this little trivial thing from your plate.
I'd love some reciprocation. Remember when 6 mos ago, I told you my eyes were hurting me? I need to get my eyes checked and get new glasses. Oh...ur busy? Okay. Well, remember how I asked you that I wanted to go for a walk with you? And you were like.....okay, lets leave the baby at home, okay? But then you fell asleep? Yeah....well, I really wanted to go for a walk. Remember when we were eating and I asked for a glass of juice? You poured yourself one in front of me, and then left the empty glass in front of me? Yeah....well, I thought that wasn't nice of you. Did you even realize?
I need some attention. Some loving, dedicated attention. I'm just pretending right now that you don't exist. Duty. Routine.
But somewhere it irks me. And I refuse to let it show to you. I do what I do, because it pleases you. And by pleasing YOU, I please Allah. You are just the tool to the favour of my Lord.
Yes
That's what it has come to. You are just the tool. And somewhere I'm hoping that things will change. That maybe the love will come back. That the feeling of I need you and will die without you......that you need me and will die without me. That you will just love me the way you used to.
Perhaps if I remain forever...
...at the ready.....?
posted by Safa at 3:36 AM
35 Comments:
And so it goes - your story is so familiar - why - maybe because I am also living it. I do so many 'little' things for my dh - when I travel I always bring him something back, I give him massages, I am not quite so good at keeping his clothes in order - but they are always clean and hanging in the closet - I bought tissues and armour all for his car - I bought air freshener for his car - I serve his food for him - and yet I get nothing back. I have to ASK for anything if he travels - and 90% of the time I do not get what I ask for - just seems the more I give the more he expects and the less he returns the favour. What to do?????
4:45 AM
assalmu'alaikum
beautiful post ukhti, very expressive..I'm already dreamin of the day I'll do that for my future hubby lol. may Allah make things easy for you, Ameen.
4:50 AM
Asalamu Alaikum safa,
I am one of your blurkers and I have been around watching and snooping in here since sometime in early 2006. I am too much of a chicken s**t to make a blog of my own and have my life be judged by others and have that not affect me. Mashallah you are very strong. I just wanted to thank you
for allowing me the favor of opening the door to your life, the favor that I have not reciprocated. Every day I check out your blog and every day you affect me in one way or another. You have made me think about life, allah, my children, and always in a good way. Us anonymous people are not liked very much in the blogger world but I just wanted to say thanks for still allowing me to come in.
Anon2007
6:31 AM
It makes me sad to read this because for all your bluster and strength about fighting for your husband and knowing his heart, it is clear that you are still searching for a magic recipe that will bring him back to you and only you. It's not a bad thing to see your loving deeds as gaining you favor with Allah, but will HE really be pleased with all your actions? Does he want you to stay and suffer, especially when it results in you invading your husband's and his other wife's privacy?
I believe there is a beautiful woman bith inside and out in you Safa. Don't let the idea of holding on to a fantasy sully that. Enjoy your children and celebrate your birthday as the culmination of another year sharing their precious lives.
Love you,
PM
PS: Trying not to sound so much like a psychologist here ;-)))
6:38 AM
I'm not searching for a magic recipe to "win" hubby. I was just voicing my frustration about doing the same things time and time again, and never being noticed for it. Like Egianqueen, I feel that the more I do, the more he expects. And the idea of reciprocating does not exist.
I'm not sure what Allah has in store for me. I'll know much sooner than any of you expect.
The court case is done. Yup. Signed and sealed as of Oct 16th. Maybe that's why MM is freakin. Hubby took most of his stuff with him this time when he came to Egypt. Including his pillow. His apt still sits there in Canada tho. As does his vehicle. He'll probably have a last visit to Canada planned to finish things up. His tickets in March.
So soon enough. And I still stand on the fact that I'm not living with P in my life. And please don't push me on this point. I know what I'm doing. And I've been very careful, very gradual.....and in the end? Allah's Will be done.
8:33 AM
Safa,
I don't ever mean to push yhou. I respond honestly and maybe I need to stop that. Feel free to let me know if you don't want that and prefer to have only a Greek Chorus in agreement with you. IIf you don't want my mtruth and honesty I 'll respect your wish.
Salaam Alaikum.
9:12 AM
I love the honesty....I think I just don't like being on the defensive......
And with the issue of living with the P, I'm firm. Too many ppl ask me to confirm it again and again. I didn't mean only you...sorry.
Love and kisses and hugs and all that......
You've been the most realistic person on my blog since forever. One of the few who called it as it is......and I appreciate that. So keep on going.....
9:17 AM
I think your post rings true for a lot of women. I do think we're the more accommodating sex. Though my husband has improved on his level of consideration over the past couple of years, I often find myself hurt that I go to great lengths (not what you do by any stretch) to be thougthful. He does his own laundry, yet in the first week of Ramadan when he was cranky and tired, I did it for him. He didn't ask. He didn't expect it. I just did it. He thanked me, of course, but I've yet to arrive at the dryer and see the load of towels I put in neatly folded. Oh no...they're bunched up in a pile on the bed. He needed the dryer, of course!
I think part of the problem is that they're men, and the other part is that they're Egyptian men. Safa, you keep that closet tidy because it seemed important to him (and therefore important to you). So if it's so important to him, why didn't he do it for himself when he was in Canada? I sorta suspect that there's an element of control in all of this. I also wonder if your husband views you as a wonderful housekeeper and nanny, yet has somehow disconnected that you're also meant to be this romantic partner and true friend.
11:59 AM
I'm sorry if you feel you need to be defensive. It's just hard for me to see women try so hard and lately I have to wonder for what. I guess I am slipping into spychologist mode and experiencing "transference" ;-))) LOL!
12:07 PM
I've suspected that hubby has disconnected these two things for a long time. When I lost 60 lbs of weight 2 yrs ago....(before I got on the rollercoaster).....my incentive was because I felt that Hubby didn't find me sexy anymore......
PM.....I love you to death.....and u know what? I've NEVER seen you make so many spelling mistakes..... It's probably this, more than anything else, that tells me that you aren't doing so well......love to you....
(I realize you meant the spy one tho)
12:57 PM
Wow! Those were a lot of mistakes!
I did mean "psychologist" though -- not up to being a "spychologist"! ROFL!
1:15 PM
HAHA!! I thought you meant the spy....LOLOL!!! Oh boy!!!
1:42 PM
salamu alaykum,
Well you do a lot for the brother and it goes unappreciated it seems, but Allah sees all. I know my hubby would be happy if the clothes for the next day were ironed and ready much less having everything ironed and ready. You must be superwoman or does the maid do all of that?
2:20 PM
What you write in this post has nothing to do with polygamy...so many women, whether or not their man does his own ironing or laundry feel this way. It is so sad and hard. Hard because we are women, sad because we only want a few crumbs of gratitude and appreciation in return.
I know that you are now Muslim, but I often find myself wondering about the native american side of your being. I think it shows up, in your determination to survive, to live in spite of all obstacles. I also wonder if it doesn't show up in your capacity to endure oppression...?
6:39 PM
Safa, your blog this time made me cry. I wept so much, I wept because it just spelt out my life.... well what my life was before I walked away from it....
I am not saying that you should do the same or anything like that. Just I know that feeling of standing before a husbands closet, amazed at it and amazed at yourself.. because it becomes a habit.
Safa, may he oneday realize what a gift Allah has given him in you. May he know how truly blessed he is in this duniya.
-lost bedouin
9:24 PM
Mashaa Allah,you are so good to him. When I read this, I feel sorry for my husband.. Yet he tells me, I'm the best thing he has in his life. Maybe it's not good to spoil them too much, just like kids, they will expect more and more. Or maybe some just stay spoiled ungrateful brats all their life, no matter what is done to them.
9:50 PM
Salams Safa, and belated Eid Mubarak, Kuluam wa inti bekhair...
well, reading your post made me wonder...i have seen a lot of women have their everyday tokens of affection being taken for granted that i try to keep my husband on his toes always and i guess i'm training him well. Ok, i have only been married 3 years so this might change ( hopefully not) and 15 years from now i might be the one complaining that husband does not reciprocate my niceties.
But since day one of our marriage, when we were home ( honeymoon does not count, of course) i made it a point that yes, he has to thank me for cooking dinner, yes, he has to thank me for doing his laundry, yes, he has to thank me because the house is tidy and smells good. And he has to thank me for looking good for him. Just like i thank him for looking good for me, for being funny and sweet, for taking out the trash and helping me with little household chores, or bringing me tea, etc...
Hopefully we will continue to acknowledge each other's effort not as a habit, but because we actually do appreciate it.
My point is...I think that right now you are in a position where you two can sit down and talk about those things, you know? Even though you have seemingly bigger issues to discuss, if you both want to make this marriage work again, you gotta talk about how will you improve in every single area.
11:39 PM
The made comes to clean the house 2X a month. She cleans floors, windows and does the kitchen and bathrooms.
She doesn't iron.
BUT!
BUT!
I send his clothes out to be ironed. It still wakes work to get it all organized and always have his clothes together.
3:49 AM
i don't iron either...i actually send out all our clothes for ironing. it's cheaper than my hourly rate...hehehe
i do windows,doors and mirrors, husband does floors and bathrooms, on friday afternoons...
and the rest i do myself...but sometimes i don't.
4:30 AM
i iron...but i didnt cook.istarted his car every morning, do everything that i can to make life easy for him.
sometimes when i ask him to kiss me he will turn away his cheek.if i am sick i usually go to clinic myself.i have been taking of myself in this marriage so much that sometimes how i wish i am taken care of, if only for the little things
7:51 AM
Ahhhh welll....Safa. Must you always hit us so hard? *sigh*
8:25 AM
Assalamu Alaikum,
I just stumbled across your blog yesterday and literally stayed awake until an obscene hour of the night reading the archives. My house is in such disarray (good thing husband works long hours today - so I'll get to that later). I just want to say that I laughed and I cried so many times reading your precious thoughts. I can't say I can relate to your trials and struggles but I feel that your honesty about what your going through has made me contemplate my own marriage and especially my emaan. If anything it has given me greater insight into several of my friend's marriages that are polygonous (I so didn't spell that right).
9:48 AM
Gusarsayu......me too.
Sorry Specs....sigh..
Ummhana.....welcome to my blog..... I cherish that I brought you laughter and I'm sorry if I've brought you tears.......stick around and I'll work on the laughter.....
9:55 AM
safa believe me I need therapeutic tears from time to time. Sometimes I am too cold and stoic (OMG did I spell that wrong too)
10:01 AM
We all need those tears. I wish I'd stop crying at TV commercials tho......LOLOL!!!!
10:08 AM
Safa,
Thanks for stopping by my blog. You might have just inspired me to begin writing about my mundane life again.
10:30 AM
salams dear Safa,
ah you are everything my husband has ever dreamed of! I wish I could believe that doing such things was an obligation and a way of pleasing Allah because it would make it easier to do it. Quite simply, I cannot, at least not in the way you describe. Many men are raised to think it is their right for women to fuss over them and that's why they don't give it a second thought. Being married to such a man has turned me into a rampant feminist. And by Arab standards (dare i say it) my husband is particularly considerate.
2:52 PM
Just wanted to say thank you for motivating me to fold my laundry today. I know that wasn't the point of your post but I actually did get all of the 8 loads of laundry (mostly from the kids & dh) that was sitting on top of my dryer folded and put away today.
8:41 PM
Dear Safa,
I think some shuffling is due on your sidebar ;-)
I am now a "p survivor " and I guess Muhammad and Polygamy Lover are back in the "P closet".
Just thought I would point that out!
Salaam Alaikum,
PM
6:53 AM
I sometimes wonder if we can spoil them too. If it's best to do as much as possible or not.By the way, I hate ironing, but I do it daily.
7:06 AM
My first time commenting after quite a bit of lurking. I use to do everything I could to make my husband's life easier but with lack of acknowledgment, I have stopped a bunch of it. A few years ago I read studies about doing things repeatedly for people and how the first couple of times it is appreciated but after that the person begins to see their right to such treatment. I see this clearly with my husband. The more I did for the man, the more he nitpicked about what I didn't do or how I did something. Also, it is a fact if someone does not respect you to begin with doing more for them doesn't actually win them over. The person will think less of you...will see you as even more of a doormat...again something I see with my husband. I have to walk a fine line of keeping him happy and him just treating my like a servant.
11:15 AM
Thanks PM....I switched you over. But latest update with Muhammad.....they backed out. So they stay where they are....
12:06 PM
Just playing the devil's advocate here but.....how often do you say thank you to him for paying the bills? You don't work correct? I'm not excusing his lack of gratitude, mind you, but it does go both ways I think. Just food for thought :)
12:52 PM
I'll add on to what bridget said....on the occasions that i've asked my husband why he doesn't thank me for anything i do in my role as a wife & mother, he says, "do you thank me for going to work every day, earning money, paying bills?" and i had to admit, no i don't. so i quit expecting him to thank me. i do hope he takes mental notes of appreciation - as i appreciate what he does, too. but actual verbal thanking? nah, not for now...
so anyway, i still do the things i do...and am working on doing more & improving...just 'cause i have to - that's the way things roll around here. walhamdulileh...
btw, i'm a new blurker here...so much to read, so much to comment on...not enough time....
but go safa go! you sound great, and i can relate (as obviously so many peeps can who read your blog). here's cheers and emotional support from one muslima to another. :)
7:29 PM
I have never been one to look for a verbal thank you. And I agree with you, Umm Yehiya and ur hubby, where you never thank ur hubby for going to work. My needs aren't as petty as that.
What I was going for was consideration and appreciation. I do my daily duties....and then some. I remember he told me his lips were chapped and got him chapstick. Is that my duty? Where he tells me his knee is hurting....so next time I'm out, I get him a knee brace thingy. It's consideration.
Like the time hubby saved the coffee candy for me. Did I thank him? Yes. Yes I did. Because that is called LOVE.
Not duty. Not obligation. Not my job or his job. That's where the relationship is built my friends.
Life isn't about ironing his damn clothes, picking up his socks and cleaning the light switches.
It's about building a rapport between the both of you and seriously wanting to make the other person happy.
And lately....that's where he's been SEVERELY lacking.
It's like I'm here, but I don't exist. He remembers NOTHING about what I say, so now I remain quiet. He is a machine at the moment. And none of the niceties, lovelies or sweet nothings exist.
And it's THIS that I want to bring back to us. What about all the stories that people say about troubles making a relationship stronger?? What has changed for us? We're floating friends......I pray Allah helps us.....
4:27 AM
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