So are you the 1st or the 2nd?
I spend too much time thinking about polygyny. Not just my own situation.....but the situations of other sisters who I care about. Oh sure, I've never met them......but their links are there on my sidebar, a constant reminder that there are others like me.
And then I started thinking about "first wives"......looking at my sidebar......doesn't that just leave Vena and I? Both of us duped by our loving husbands. LL&LI is among the "firsts"...but her situation is pretty different. (I'm worried about Vena by the way....she hasn't updated, doesn't answer her emails and is never online....May Allah protect her and her baby....)
So what's with the whole...."first wife" label? Where if a woman tells you she's in a P marriage....you ask the silly question..."are you the first or second wife?"
Why does that matter? Are you with me? Should this matter? Or do we have it stuck in our heads that:
First wife: Patient, Opressed, Wronged, Duped, Miskeen
Second wife: Homewrecker, paid whore, Selfish
Is that fair to think like that? Tell me the truth.....is this how you look at it? Do you want to know a secret? Do you?
It's how I looked at it.
For the longest time. And then after getting to know more and more people in P marriages....I found out a shocking fact!
Second wives get duped too!
Some of the men never even told the new wife about the family back home. Or he never explained why he always had to work weekends! OR perhaps he told her, but said that the first wife was SOOO HAPPY!!
So I finally pushed this out of my mind. And now, most of my best friends are in P marriages. And when I listen to them talk, or their complaints.....I don't think.....HOMEWRECKER! I don't think.....HO!
My heart just aches for them. Trying to make the best with what they have. Which is little. And there must be this hanging fear that eventually you will be the captured piece on the board tossed away in the box. Oh yes, I can imagine that fear......it would scare me.
I suspect that if I was ever to leave this marriage.....and consider yet another. I'm guessing I might take a shot at P. Oh, but I'd have it all worked out...........here's my idea....
*absolutely CANNOT love the man (cuz that always interferes with rational thinking)
*give up all rights of time (save for the occasional roll in the hay)
*NEVER live together for extended periods of time
*NEVER have children together
*NEVER spend whatever money he gives me
Basically what I'm saying is that considering being a second wife FOREVER....just doesn't work in my mind. Can you see yourself old and gray with that man? Him using a cane to wobble over to the other wifey's house? Nope. Not me. (even if I want to)
So maybe what we've got to do is get the whole "first wife", "second wife" out of our vocabulary. Can you think of something else? And I'm not into the whole "sister wife" idea. That just makes me want to retch.
P wife?
Co wife?
What do you think?
~~~~~
To all my P Sisters out there.........I make dua for you all the time. I know that for some of you, where you are standing, things just don't look good. How can you build a marriage on an existing foundation and call it your own? or....How can your foundation have another floor added without strengthening it's pillars first? It's not easy. It takes two dedicated partners to make it work.
Lately when I've been thinking about MM, I feel anger mostly....but now and again, I feel sorry for her. I never did like her. And she's been very bold. Asking HIM to marry HER. And all her little tricksies.....but eventually, she's gonna get her short walk to the door. It seems to be just around the corner. Hubby is leaving Cda......on that he is firm. (and believable for a change)
And when that day comes...(insha Allah)....I"m not going to gloat....not going to yell ALLAHU AKBAR!! I think I'll quietly take myself to my prayer rug and make Sajdah.
On that day, I will reflect.
for the first time in 2 yrs.....
breathe.
posted by Safa at 3:16 AM
13 Comments:
I really, really don't want to upset anyone with this post....I'm expressing my own opinion......
6:18 AM
I'm not sure what my opinion was previously. However after reading some of the P blogs. I have really come to feel for all women and children in these situations, regardless of whether they are the first, second, third, etc. family. I just don't see how it is good for anyone.
7:16 AM
Safa, when MM goes away, if she ever does, your hubby will just find another woman. It's all about the sex with him. The whole thing after that, the family etc., is an unwanted consequence for him. Wake up.
7:58 AM
Vena's current husband was married when she married him. She didn't find out until after he divorced the second wife and V was already pregnant.
8:32 AM
The one for whom choices are/were made without her input ... or the one without the choice at all is a victim.
Sadiyah
9:35 AM
"Co-wife" is a term I associate w/ Mormonism more than Islam. I guess I think because Mormons approach polygyny in a different manner than I think many Muslims do. There are, of course, exceptions to that notion, and part of that is just my interpretation. I infer "1st wife" and so on to be a ranking of sorts. That's likely perpetuated by Egyptian serials in which the first wife is somehow "the rock." I do sense there's a loss of identity with any of these labels, no?
10:59 AM
Anon 7:58.......ya, I hear you. But I don't agree completely. I think the sex was an issue....and so was my absence. Hubby never brought up P when we were together.....
And living in Canada.....well....lots of opportunity there.....
I'm disappointed about his choices that he selfishly made for himself when we are supposed to be in a family unit......but it's done.
And should MM walk away....I seriously DOUBT that Hubby would consider another wife.
And where my husband is concerned....I know best.
11:19 AM
Safa!! wohooo you go girl. You do know your husband best and I think with absence in the mix, sex quickly becomes a problem.
Trust your heart!!!!
Yours.
1:10 PM
"And where my husband is concerned .... I know best." ;-)))
That's quite a spirited response, Safa. I wonder if you really feel it, though. Or do you mean you know what would be best for him -- but he makes his own choices?
Anyway, its gutsiness made me chuckle....
As for the whole first, second wife thing. I always liked the idea of simply saying "my husband's other wife" (which I will no longer have to say, fter receiving the 3rd talaq via sms a few hours ago). I do feel that there are certain pre-conceived notions associated with the order/status of a wife.
I suspect the majority of people feel the "first wife" has more "right" to the husband. And in a way, I think that, too (although my own experience has taught me that these situations come in a wide variety). However, once a man makes the decision to marry another woman, then I would say that is a good indication of how he views marriage (including his marriage to the "first wife"). If a man says he is not satisfied or is unhappy with his wife for any reason, can she really control him and affect his decision? Does she have the right to? Or even the ability to?
Growing up in the West I always knew that you could not make a man love you or a husband stay with you just because he had signed a marriage license, shared many years and even had children with you. The man is always free to walk away and get a divorce. In Islam, the same is true, or he can choose another option -- polygyny. The result is the same: you can't control what a man feels and chooses to do in regard to marriage.
I agree with you that sex is an issue with your husband and certainly your being apart set that in motion. But he has stated -- and we have no reason not to believe him -- that there were other reasons he wanted to remarry. sure they may all be selfish and difficlut to understand, but then, he is a man, isn't he? I hope for your sake that he will bury the desire for polygyny.
Salaam Alaikum,
PM
1:23 PM
Not too long ago i found out about a sister who got married, and ended up being a second wife.
The worse thing about it was when the guys family came up to meet the girls family - his family said he wasnt married.
And lo and behold, on her wedding night she meets the rest of his family.
This has seriously affected her family - to be lied to like that.
Starlight
12:57 AM
You know PM, u missed ur calling being an English Professor.....with all your probing questions, I see Psychology in front of you....but ohhh well. I love the way you always cut things up into smaller and smaller pieces.
I more than feel that, PM.....I breathe it. When you have been married 16 yrs there are some things you just KNOW. And the whole P thingy? Yeah....he won't be going there again.
I usually say his other wife as well.
Hubby stated a whole bunch of fringe reasons as to why he had to marry......but it was empty rebuff for the sake of his brother and sister that were arguing with him. They could see that as well as I could.
(because I'm not organized enough? And when he was living in Cda alone, he couldn't handle the fact that my bookcase might be messy? Puh-lease!)
(I just don't know what to say about your SMS's.....does that actually count? I thought you couldn't divorce by text or phone??)
3:16 AM
I am not an English professor. I am an Art and Film Historian -- and psychology dovetails nicely with those disciplines ;-)))
Yes, SMS counts in Kuwait. He just has to go finalize it in the court.
It's clear what you believe about your husband's explanation for marrying again so no point in arguing. Insha'Allah you will not be disappointed.
Take care, dear,
PM
4:32 AM
Co-wife sounds so jarring to my ears. It's odd. But then I don't understand the whole polygyny thing either, apart from the basic evolutionary stuff.
2:13 PM
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