Is it possible?......can you hear me whisper?.......

When I started this blog, I was suffering from deep depression. I used to sit at my computer typing and crying at the same time. I had no outlet in the real world.....no friends to break down with. Just my computer screen and my keyboard.

I remember when I first found out about the other wife. I screamed into my cell phone. At first he was only asking me again and again..."who told you, who told you?".....until he quietly said...."I'm married."

I sat in my car and cried and cried. ( I had called him from the car so I could be alone and the kids wouldn't hear)

My stomach had turned into this ice cold block......and I started spiralling fast. I got home and laid down in bed.....it was about 14 days until I could get out. I wouldn't tell the kids....my husband called again and again....and I'd close my door and yell at him......crying, crying, crying........

The kids thought someone had died. Perhaps someone had.

It was 6 weeks until my husband arrived in Egypt. The day he arrived our business got robbed. $10,000 LE worth of merchandise was stolen....and then there was so much damage. When Hubby arrived home, I stood there and just said "hi" He got up and came and kissed my cheek. But I was dead to him.

He told me how important it was for him to be fair between us......something he has never managed to do. He talked a lot actually. I cried a lot too. I learned some things the hard way. Crying never helps. It just hinders your ability to speak well and be smart. Damn tears and snot gets in the way of clear thinking.

And then I found out about yet another wife. I fell hard.

For 3 mos I was taking anti depressants.....they really made a difference. When MM was sending douches, lipstick shirts and other unmentionables.......I didn't fall down.

But I sure didn't look at life from the top of the ladder. I still don't.

Something that is purely me.......is that I hope for the best. And I'm trying to see things from the other persons perspective. I think what kills me so much about my situation.....is that I just can't see Hubby's reasoning. I can't understand what the heck he was thinking. I'm talking particularly about MM.

She texted him and asked him to marry her. We discussed. We agreed NO WAY! So how could he go ahead and do it? No matter how I try to look at it from his side of the fence it equals the same thing....

BETRAYAL. LIES. SELFISHNESS.

Why subject your family to that? Do I think well of him for this? Does anyone? His family? My family? His friends? He's taken something made acceptable by Allah and tainted it. He's taken something that should be beautiful and clean.....and has sullied it. I don't respect him for this.

So why am I still here? Part stupidity I guess. And also because I refuse to lose this. I refuse to lose the father of 5 children to a woman who thinks that a douche is a great gift to send her co wife on Hubby's first visit. Or a woman who sends me text messages telling me to tell my kids to mind their own business. Or a woman who has given up her own children.

No. I'm made of something with a darker grain than that.

I haven't always played it smart. I've reacted much of the time. Like the time I called her a Sharmouta to my husbands face. Like the time I called him a liar. Like the time I threw my slipper at him across the room in front of the kids.

But sometimes I've done my part. And perhaps that is what Allah will reward me for......knowing that I've given up more than half a husband living in a country so far from family........

I've written in this blog about my pain....my joys....special moments......and I've taken you all along with me. And no one can want an end to this roller coaster more than I do. Although I do know a few people who really relate to where I've been.......

And let me just say this......not all 2nd wives are homewreckers, okay? They have a difficult time as well. Not all first wives are oppressed either. When Polygyny walks into any marriage, it has its own unique circumstances and reasons. The one thing that all women involved in Polygyny share is their understanding of the trials that they are faced with. That sort of hurt or joy is universal.

So what is all this for? Well.....I just wanted to share some new things...... Allah knows what the future holds.......

The entire month my husband has been gone.....I've been planting seeds. He left acting like a real loser......and I hate to say that, but it's the truth. Said some stupid things before he left. So I started pounding away at the concrete foundation around his heart. (although mine seems quite intact) And finally....I've cracked it somewhere. I doubt it's much of anything....but a foot in the door is still a foot in the door.

After our recent divorce.....I'm sure that he's put things in some sort of perspective, that even a male is probably capable of. And if anything.....he sees that I'm serious and that he no longer has the control hold he thought he had on me.

Oh yes....the mouse has turned into something bigger. And I've never been able to speak so eloquently, so calm, and so collected as I was during our divorce. I said the facts, I cited logic and then I just stopped talking altogether. No one could argue with me. No one could see me wrong. I was understood by all. Yes.....even by him. Alhamdulillah.

It's taken almost 2 yrs for me to come to this point. I sure have more patience than I thought. And recently I received a phone call from Hubby......

He wants me to cancel his Canadian cell phone service. He doesn't need a Canadian cell phone anymore. And he was trying to get his apt subletted.

Is it possible? (can you hear me whisper.....?)