Taking it slowly....
| I look forward to focusing on my deen this Ramadan. I'm really going to try to not even think about Hubby. Nothing can come between myself and my worship, insha Allah! I will focus the girls on this....and hope that we keep firm on this path...ya Rab!!! Hubby will arrive 3 days before Eid...insha Allah. ~~~~ You know what? I've come to a conclusion of sorts. I'm thinking that Hubby doesn't love me anymore. Now don't get me wrong....but I've been mulling over this a few times. The first time was two weeks ago. We were sitting in the bedroom together and were talking. I decide to be a little playful...and he tells me to "just act normal". ?? Errrr....okay? And the comfortable talking atmosphere just fizzled. Silence. So then I say what is on my mind. A tear escapes while I say to him..."I just really feel like you don't love me anymore..." And wait for him to say something.... Big breath from him. He says slowly..."Erdee Rabanna wa Rabanaa yerdeek." (please Allah and Allah will please you) Errrr......okay? Not a million tiny little kisses, no pulling me closely.....just those words. I was stunned. Shocked. And then after that one tear....others followed. Eventually I cried myself to sleep.....and he was kind enough to hug my back for a time. And then he left to go to Cda.....all the kids in the room....I ask them to leave because I want to tell Baba something. He was all dressed and ready to go....minutes until he would walk out the door. The children all filed out of my room.....he sits down with a laugh on his face..."You want to tell me something?" No, I says...I just wanted to say salaam to you. "Well I want to tell you something...."....okay, I says... "On the day of Judgement, those among you with responsibilities will be called to account before their Lord" Errr....okay? Is that it? He repeats himself and then stands up....holds out his one arm for me..... I hesitate. He notices it. And then I stand up stiffly and receive his one arm hug, which I give back....one armed. He says Assalaamu alaikum and leaves. So today I've been thoughtful and am remembering these moments....and seriously considering the possibility that he has let me go. I know that some of you have presented that to me before.....and perhaps I've just not been willing to accept that thought.... But now......I'm not sure. And I'm not willing to jump to any fast conclusions......I'll see what has been done when he comes back...insha Allah. It's a big challenge for me to come to that conclusion, u know? It has never crossed my mind....ever. I mean...there's a difference between him being anal....and not loving me. So I guess I've rambled enough for today..... |
posted by Safa at 9:34 AM
17 Comments:
salam alaikoum
The little comments your husband makes aren't about love or not love- they're about control. It's like he wants to knock you down a notch to reel you back in and get back on top of the situation, because right now you are the one with control and deep in his heart he knows it. In control situations people always say to other stuff that would be better off being said to themselves- your husband saying that everyone is accountable on the day of judgement being a perfect example.
In the comments below I see where PM is coming from with the we don't know MM's side of the story. I agree, we don't. And Safa you know and I know that there are some second wives who are great. I just don't think MM is into cooperating with you- for her I don't think it was about P, ever. If it were she would have tried harder, not necessarily with you, but your girls. And if she wanted to make it work as a team, there would have been no douches and smeared lipstick in the luggage. Allahou alim.
You don't have to publish this but also, in my last comment, you know where else converts get a bad rap- CLEANING! No matter what we do, we can never clean like a Back Homelandia girl. Ever. Subhan Allah. I cried and cried over cleaning this morning. Why did my husband marry me if he wanted Back Homelandia cleaning? Again it's about control. And it's almost Ramadan. Subhan Allah.
I wish great things for you and your children and yes, your husband, this Ramadan. Incha Allah ameen
10:31 AM
Right now you are both lost and don't know how to find your way back to each other. You can't forget the past and neither can he and the question is will you be able to move on together. This will take time, and we are not talking a matter of weeks or a few months. Right now he is probably angry with you and his family because you have all forced him to see something that he did not want to see. He would have been happier in ignorance because such is the way of human nature.
11:25 AM
Safa,
I can tell you are sad when you think about him maybe not loving you. Are you still in love with him?
Being mad at someone is one thing, even asking for a divorce, but when you realize the relationship is just not there anymore it is quite different. Stay strong no matter what happens.
I know it's a cliche, but sometimes things need closure. I never got closure when my ex went to Jordan. Maybe if things don't work out, it's better that it was this way and not being mad at each other.
Hugs from Michigan!
Anisah
12:14 PM
Is it possible this is just the result of being apart for so long? You have been alone thinking of him, while he has had others around to distract him. Maybe you both just need more time together. Does that make sense?
12:56 PM
I'm really sorry...I see you slowly opening up and being honest with yourself..and realizing his feelings aren't the way they used to be towards you..wow..that hurts so much..regardless of all the details and such with kids...if there isn't love there isn't love...and there's nothing we can do about that when someone falls out of love with someone..he is still a bastard what he has put you thru..he should have been honest from the start..I'm very sorry and can imagine how it hurts..but maybe the worst is over..you are now reaching a place of strength and resignation and maybe hope for your own future..
but it hurts I know..and that sucks..with time it will get better..i don't think you should waste any more time on him..make the break with dignity and begin your own life...again I am very sorry to hear your words and it is also very very brave and honest...
1:14 PM
Salaam Safa;
A sister once told me a story...and I’m going to try to relay it to you...
She was watching Dr.Phil and he had an elderly couple on, who had been married for like 50 years or something; and he asked them what the secret of their success was and they replied
"we never fell out of love at the same time!"
I kind of agree with this; I believe you love your spouse, but your not always "inlove" with them... this may seem silly to you, but I guess all I'm trying to say is, I don’t know your husband; but I feel as though I know you; and I don’t believe anyone can ever not love you!
May Allah give you Peace and Happiness. Ameen
Tahseen
3:23 PM
Give the one month a go, miracles do happen when Allah intervenes. My husband told me straight out ..."I don't love you, I don't want to be married to you anymore." That hurt like hell. What do you say after your husband tells you that.....never really expected it either. So all I had left to do was go through iddat, not for him but because those are Allah's laws. I was stronger than I thought I would be, in fact I was excited about the prospect of living my own life, working, buying my own home etc. I think it somewhat bothered him that I wasn't begging him to take me back. I left job searches I did on the internet, rental homes near my family's hometown, schools around the area, up on the computer for him to see. And look at him now....!!! Can't stop telling me how much he loves me. All I ask of Allah is that he preserves this change in him, for the sake of the kids. I personally would have left him long ago, only it's tough when you add 5 kids into the mix. I'm definitely not free of all the problems in our marriage, but it sure does help when you know he's making an effort to not hurt my feelings anymore..Whatever happens in the future...Who knows?!
3:47 PM
asalaam alaikum safa,
maybe what you're thinking is correct, and maybe not. the two of you have been through quite a bit of emotional squalor this last visit. perhaps he's just emotionally closed at this point. time will tell. Allah is with you. may your ramadan be filled with blessings.
6:30 PM
CNCZ: Oh what a good point...yes DEFINATELY about control....I remember when he first married that I told him that I don't love him anymore....(which wasn't true, but I knew it would hurt)....
About the cleaning....that's always been a MAJOR part of our marriage...cleaning and organizing. And now that I've lived in Egypt, I understand what SOME of these women do. SOME, I say. If it's what he likes CNCZ.....start doing it....and then learn some of the tricks of the trade...(you don't seriously think that Egyptian women mop their floors daily???) There are the sneaky ways to make things look perfect...I'll email you some....
But remember....nobody's perfect....(most arab men iron their own clothes...did u know that? I didn't till we moved to Egypt and here I was ironing for him for 10 yrs!!!)
Anon 11:25....you know what I told my husband 2 days before he left? I told him that if it took us 2 yrs to grow so far apart that it's only reasonable to think that it'll take us at least 2 more to get it back on track. So I really hear what you are saying....
Anisah...I do need closure. From the entire thing...I so badly pray that things can just settle and hubby can be straightforward with me. I want to start on a path that is labelled...MINE. And yes, I do love him. Even when I hate him...I love him.
Surviving...oh yes...you've probably hit closer to home than you could ever think......
anon 1:14.....yes, I am being honest with myself.....and I'm so glad that I have ppl to discuss this with.....
Tahseen....oh thanks....my best friend is a DR Phil freak...and I can't believe she's never told me about this particular story....(I've heard just about all the rest...LOLOL!!!)
Seeker: Have I ever told you how happy it makes me when you comment on my blog? I'd really like to get to know you better.....is it possible that you email me? (If we have already emailed then forgive me...LOLOL....5 kids! Oh, u too? Well, we have EXCUSES....lol) When we got divorced, I didn't tell him I didn't love him....but I did tell him I don't want to be your wife anymore. And should it ever come to that for us....I will make a life for us....insha Allah...a good one...
anon 6:30.....I think that hubby has been emotionally closed for a while.....from many things.....it's his sort of coping mechanism.....and it isn't closed just so he can numb himself from loving....he's closed so he can numb himself from feeling the pain that he has been causing others.....
11:43 PM
There are the sneaky ways to make things look perfect..
PLEASE let me know them!!!!
2:40 AM
Salaam Alaikum,
I could come on here and write what you might want to hear; ie., that he surely must love you but his pride is hurt and he doesn't like being pushed into something. But in reality, I think it is quite possible he doesn't love you the way that he did before all this started. Truthfully, I feel he never would have started down the path he did if his feelings had stayed the same. I also strongly suspect you do not love him in the same way either. Regardless of these issues, you don't know what the future will bring. Maybe he will come to be in love with you again & insha'Allah you with him. Maybe you won't recapture that "romantic love" again but may develop a stronger bond based on mutual respect and shared history.
Again, I know I will get attacked for this but I can make a comparison with my own situation. I think my husband had fallen out of romantic love with his first wife and in fact, had a very hostile relationship before I came into the picture. At that point he expressed -- and I felt -- his great romantic love for me. Over time, though, his wife has come into his heart in a new way -- and their bond seems to be greater than ever. I have no idea what they do in the bedroom (nor do I want to know or even care) but that is not really what love is all about, is it?
On the other hand, his love for me has surely waned but not his romantic sexual attraction. And if you asked me which I would rather have, it would be what he has with his first wife. A lasting marriage is not made in the bedroom and no amount of sexual stunts can save it.
Insha'Allah my thoughts will help you think about what you want and what compromises you are willing to make.
Ramadan Mubarak,
PM
2:48 AM
Safa.. forgive me I haven't read the above comments so I don't know if I'm repeating anything but just wanted to say I'm sorry you feel this way, this must really hurt a lot. I have no idea if you're correct in your realization or not _ i hope you're not cuz men can sometimes be egoistical and that could be his man-pride trying to mask any feelings he has for you. Lately he HAS been pretty angry with you.. and anger is a strong emotion, strong enough to stand in the way of love and all else that's good. I say that cuz I've done that to people sometimes, been so mad at them that the love I had for them was hidden beyong sight. But if he has a heart inshaAllah, he will return to you one day, love n all.
Until then, you're a brave woman, Safa. You've endured so many things and that's probably becuase you never lose persepctive, you never forget that Allah is with you and that this is a test. That's why I don't see any reason why you should break now, inshaAllah.
I envy you your deen and your belief. And this is totally irrelevant but I envy you another thing; the way you learned Arabic. You wanted to learn it so badly and now you're so fluent at it mashaAllah. I want to learn too and your determination comes to my mind every time I think I'll never be able to do it. Thank you for that. Hang in there, sweetie! We all pray for you.
7:53 PM
Well, Saf...I'm just not sure. I think it's good to honestly look at this as a possibility.
But I also think if he comes back you two can slowly patch up this gap.
Maybe you should remind him why he loves you. ;)
Ramadan Mubarak and many hugs your way.
Sobia
8:39 PM
as salaamu alaikum,
quick q pm if ur reading: how can a second wife know (not including the possibility of the dh telling her) that his love has greatly increased for his first wife? And what would a second wife assume even if she was told by the husband and knew from the wife that the husband prior to getting a second wife had not fallen out of the romantic love and mutual respect they have for each other? I think that alot of second wives assume that and end up getting hurt once they realize that that is always not the case. Men marry others for many difft reasons and some people do not appreciate what they have so once they get something else they end up appreciating what they already have much more than ever before. Along with this, I think the first wifes need to accept the possibility that a man can love you very much and want another just like the subsequent ones need to accept the possibility that a man can be very much in love ( both in and out the bedroom) with his wife and desire another, this is the nature of some men.It may be natural to assume something must be wrong for him to want another but many times this is purely an assumption. safa sorry this is ummukatheer i forgot my blogger password lol
1:56 PM
Ummkatheer,
In my case, my husband told me that he did not love his first wife anymore, had been separated for years after the first talaq (which I only recently found out about) and did not intend to go back to live with here or have any intimate hisband/wife relationship. The reason I said his feelings have changed regarding both of us is because his behavior indicates it. She gets 90% of his time and 100% of his money. So ummkatheer, how would you read that?
Frankly, you may not agree with what I am saying here but I DO NOT believe that happily married men who truly love and respect their wives pursue polygyny. I think the women who say this is the case in their own marriages are really in denial and trying to make the best of a bad situation. I can respect that.
Salaam Alaikum,
PM
9:30 AM
One love soul sister. I feel you and I send you all of my positive energy. may Allah bless you for all that you endure in his name.
I found your blog while googling "first wife" just out of curiosity. My husband won't stop seeing other women- Call it nature, biology, a man's prerogative, whatever. All I know is that it hurts me, its turning me into someone I don't want to be and never have been and no matter what i try to tell myself about us staying together, i feel like he made his choice and to he!! with it. I am not coming from the foundation of religion like you. If I was maybe it would be simpler. I'm coming from a truly idealistic vision of us having this big family, lots and lots of grandkids and their grandkids and so on, the big house and living to see an empire. I can't do that with a man who can't commit to me. The rejection is too overpowering and its making the whole vibe between us negative.
I wish you the best. Tight hugs. Stay strong sis and may you be blessed.
If you want to, send me an email at nasira_writer@yahoo.com
10:35 PM
Ouch. How painful. I remember before I became a Muslim, I was in a serious relationship of three years. And, I reached that point where I realized that the man I would die for didn't love me anymore. It hurts like hell. It's so hard to wrap your mind around it.
It seems like all of these little comments might mean that he's staying with you for the sake of Allah swt. For him to say that Allah swt will hold those with responsibilities accountable alludes to him explaining that he wont neglect your rights and his responsibilities to you.
He's trying not to hurt you it seems. This has probably been very painful for him as well.
May Allah swt make it easy for both of you and may your hearts grow fonder.
8:02 AM
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