Exit again, stage right!!!
| Well, this time he's gone. Back by October 10th, insha Allah. He was sad leaving. You could tell. He hugged the kids a little too tight. He played with his son a little too long. Then he started up. Walking around the house like a walking time bomb. Told one of the girls that I'm destroying their lives......subhanAllah! And then the final 5 mins.......he wants to talk to me. He quotes a hadith..... "Anyone with a responsibility will be held accountable before their Lord" (he said in arabic, I'm doing loose translation...) Then he stood up, held out one arm for a hug. I hesitated. He felt that....and finally I stood up slowly...received his stiff hug with dry eyes but raging heart. Assalaamu alaikum, he said as he walked out the bedroom door. Wa alaykumus salaam. I sat back down and yes, a few tears fell. Only because I was horribly disappointed and unsatisfied. Sigh. ~~~~ But this 30 days will sure be telling. I pray that he closes up all and comes home. Allah knows what he'll do. But things aren't going well in 2nd marriage land. MM has become forceful....and since her last pushy text message to him, she hasn't sent any more or even called. Her text started off with..." I want an answer......" Hmmmmmm. And then there is the problem that she's taken off her hijab.......oh yes. I pray she finds her way back to the deen of Islam.......Ramadan is a good time for forgiveness. And with that.......I'll be thinking what I can do for Ramadan......I refuse to be bitter and sad.... Insha Allah, better things will come.........he has 30 more days right? Even Allah is merciful...... |
posted by Safa at 1:08 AM
13 Comments:
Salaam Alaikum Safa,
Didn't you find it strange for him to say that you are ruining their lives? Do you have any idea what he meant by that? I can't help but feel that it relates to trying to force him to do something he doesn't really feel (maybe in returning to Egypt or giving up polygyny) but maybe I am wrong.
So Ramadan is a time of fresh starts. Could you make a fresh start and forgive -- TRULY FORGIVE -- MM's transgressions? Maybe for no other reason than to lighten your heart and pass that spirit on to your children.
Just yesterday it hit me like a ton of bricks that I truly have no major issues with my husband's other wife. If I lived in his country I could share him equally and would do my best to make a good relationship with his other wife and children. I have been married 2 years now and it is clear that the problems in my marriage are due to my husband -- not his other family. Sure, she may at times try to get his attention away from me but it's him that lets her.
Safa, it's hard to be the 2nd wife and have the first wife and kids hate you and blame you for the problems in their lives. I am sure we all deal with it differently, but I think MM's actions are really textbook. When a married man asks another woman to marry him, it is only natural to assume that something is lacking (no matter how small) in the first marriage that presumably you will be able to provide. I can only imagine that MM thought your husband had "tired" of you -- but your precious son is proof that it's not the case ;-))) Who knows what your husband has told her over the past 2+ years. Based upon what he said about you and your marriage in front of his family, it isn't a big leap to consider he may have told her similar things. Just like Muhammad said he would like to sit with you and your husband and counsel you, I would like to sit with you and MM and do the same! LOL!
Insha'Allah, this Ramadan will be a time of reflection and spiritual renewal for you all.
Love you,
PM
1:44 AM
I always find it strange when hubby chooses to bad mouth me in front of the kids. I think it's silly....it only makes him look bad and the kids get all defensive....in the words of my 10 yr old....my sweet neglected girl....
"Mama for as long as I can remember, you've always been beside me...I don't remember a time when it was both of you together....I'll always choose you because you love me while you are beside me"
Now don't go thinking I encourage her to say things like that....(cuz some ppl may JUMP on her words)....but it's just an honest look at how she thinks. And when he starts up...well......it really just gets a housefull of angry girls all hopping......
About major issues....I've long since been upset at my husband because of HIS decisions....no matter what part MM had to play in it. Don't forget...that she asked HIM to marry her....so I am a little ruffled about that as well. But I know that I couldn't live in the same country as her....I've tasted it for 30 days that I spent in Cda last summer. She didn't make things go so well. And yes, she wants his attention, his time.....but she goes about it in sadly inappropriate methods. And like your own husband.....he lets her.
About counselling with MM? No thanks. I'm not planning to stay married to hubby if she's part of the equation. So I'm still firm on that.......I've just relented timewise cuz I was just about pummelled into it by his family.
You know PM, I know it's hard when the first wife blames you....and honestly....any hard feelings I have with MM is from her own doing. The fact that hubby decided to marry her in secret shows me his shortcomings....HE was the one who had the responsibility towards me, not her. So how could I ever resent her? Again tho...like I said....I do have the smallest bit of resentment because she asked him to marry her.....it's like...that goes against the code of women, u know? But not against the code of Islam...so even that, I could eventually give up.
I wonder if he has told her similar things. It hurts my heart to consider that. In fact, if that was confirmed for me, I guess I'd be outta this marriage THISFAST!
And to be honest, PM.....I really don't think our marriage has much longer. I cannot force hubby to love me, cannot force him to choose, cannot force him anything.
The ball is in his court again.....and this time, he knows how hard I"m willing to hit back that ball.......
2:58 AM
Oh Safa,
It makes me sad to see how much anger you have towards both of them -- although not unjustified. Sweetie, do what you need to do to purge it and the people who cause it from your life if you cannot reconcile it with forgiveness.
As for a women's code: Darlin' -- a long time ago I learned there is no such thing. When it comes to a Muslim woman we have a religion that has been interpreted for over a thousand years to state that a woman has a right to the love, protection and support of a man -- married or otherwise. To be honest, I don't think her asking him is a big deal. He didn't have to say yes, but I'm sure you know that.
Bless your heart, Safa. Insha'Allah this will all pass.
Love you,
PM
4:00 AM
"The ball is in his court again" I wouldn't be playing that game. CAll MM and tell her she can have him. How in the world could you ever trust him again anyway? The best revenge, is letting her have the two timing louse! How can you forgive him for what he's done to your children? Get out now, go back home to your family and your own country where you have 'options' and support and won't feel that you need a man to take care of you.
6:35 AM
Salam Safa and Ramadan Kareem---I was just wondering--in case I missed it somehow in your posts--did you get the baby's BC corrected? Allah bless you and yours!
8:23 AM
salam alaikoum
this is kinda off topic because i don't know your husband, but you know what pisses me off? a "born muslim" woman, aka a woman from a muslim country, can take off her headscarf and a man won't bat an eyelash (and neither will a mil for that matter) but a convert ups and takes off her headscarf and everyone's going to hell in a handbasket. Subhan Allah. I don't get it. I'm not saying taking the scarf off is ok but geez be consistent. I know men who would flip their SHIZZ if I took off the scarf off, but a born muslim girl can do that and its all good in the hood. Gaah. I mean, if I told my husband I was done with the scarf, I would be divorced. Period. But some women get away with it.
12:06 PM
Did he say she asked him to marry her or did she say she ask him to marry her?
2:19 PM
Hugs, Safa.
4:06 PM
lynn: Go back to canada to slave? uh sometimes people don't know that if you have money, in a place like egypt, its heaven.
anyway, back to what some of the other commenters said, I don't agree.
Don't get out fast. Stay firm till the end so its clear to everyone and especially to your kids that you didn't back out sooner and ended the marriage. This is important for the kids to see I think that you were the good guy. Not that im saying you are trying to make him look bad but if it does end, in your children's eyes, you will be the hero and you can look them straight in the eye with no shame.
You have a right to your anger. You have a right to be angry at MM. Anyone who says otherwise doesn't know what the heck they're talking about.
Nobody said you couldn't be angry at people. Sure you don't need to think about it all the time, but its not fardh to forgive. It does save you heartache yes OR you can put it out of your mind. Point is: WHAT THE HELL. She has a right to be angry.
AND "PM" just cuz yur the second wife doesn't mean you need to stand up for MM. Some of the things she has done, according to what Safa has told us, are really downright sickening.
Maybe yur the good second wife. PM Good for you.
10:02 PM
I think it's a HUGE deal that she asked him to marry her - especially since she knew that Safa existed in Egypt with 4 kids (now 5).
I'm sorry, but I don't have mercy for 2nd wives if this is the case. Put yourself in the first wife's shoes! Wouldn't you feel like chopped liver? And what about the kids? There are so many dynamics to a marriage - then you wanna come in and add your little self to it?
I know, I know - there are women that had no idea their hub was playin' them and suddenly found out that oops - they're actually #2. Or there are wives that think he's divorced, but oops - he wasn't, actually (and I have less forgiveness for those because a smart woman would make sure things were really final, but that's me...)!
This MM has done some real cruel things to Safa - especially asking SAFA'S HUSBAND to marry her.
For those who are in happy P marriages, bless them. But, I've yet to come across one where the wives / kids weren't affected somehow.
Safa, you're so brave.
2:41 AM
Anon:
I am not standing up for MM but rather KNOW there are 2 sides to every story. I'm sure even Safa knows that we are only hearing her side and perspective. As Muslims, I feel we should seek to be fair. At the same time, I have always acknowledged that MM has done a lot of bad things. But hell, we are all human, aren't we? Unless you actually are as perfect as Allah and never make mistakes.... In that case, Anon, feel free to continue to judge MM, me and everybody else without considering both sides. Don't forget, though, that God sees everything -- unlike any of us reading this blog.
2:54 AM
I would rather work hard and show my daughters that women can take care of themselves and have a right to be loved and respected in a relationship than to show them that they can be trampled on and they have to 'take it'. Those children don't respect that man so what respect will they have for their mother who didn't respect herself enough to kick him to the curb when he failed to give her the respect that she deserves? How can a mother look herself in the face with no shame if she stayed miserable and depressed so that she could take the easy way? Which is better, a happy independent, self respecting mother or a mother that has to take meds to live with her depression because she chose to stay with a controlling, manipulative, pathological liar? Yeah, anon, I am thinking about the kids. That is the only thing that a mother should be thinking of.
5:59 AM
CNCZ.....oh I'm sure my husband would be doing the funky chicken if I told him I'm taking off my hijab....OH BOY!! But alhamdulillah...I chose to wear it of my own free will...just as I chose islam....alhamdulillah....
And ur right about the difference between born muslims....the smallest step backwards from convert is yelled all the way to heaven that ur losing ur deen! Muslims don't have much tolerance my friend....and it's something that we really have to work on....
CG: He said she asked him. The way it happened was she sent the text message...Je t'aime habibe. I received the text...she sent it again....and I went to hubby....he left the house to call her and find out WTH? He came back and said she's asking him to marry her. I call her about 2 hours later...telling her to back off and that we don't want this now....I cried on the phone...she apologized for hurting me and my family and said she'd stay away.....whatever.....
Anon 10:02.....so far I'm staying firm, and yes, even causing havoc. I"m trying to get to the end of this....and this is majorly for my children..... Alhamdulillah...they already look at me with wonder and ask me how can I stand it all. I've told my oldest...pointing at her 4 yr old sister and her little 4 mos old brother...."they deserve the chance to grow up with a father....and I've got to keep strong just a while longer to give it a chance...."
Allah knows what he has in store...
Yes, I have a right to my anger...but it's not helping me...I wish I could give it up. But I can't. Or I'm not.
And on top of that...PM is a pretty reasonable sister....if you felt she's sticking up for MM, well, maybe on some levels she is. PM is also a second wife....maybe she relates to MM's position...I sure don't. That's why I like talking to PM.
Anon 2:41 AM......OMG....ur a sister from my own heart....but I LIVE UR WORDS.....
PM.....yes....I know ur only hearing my side....and perhaps there are things I don't even know about MM and her relationship with my hubby......which really doesn't concern me.....but if MM had a blog....maybe you'd all be crying tears over there? I wonder if I would??
Lynn.....I agree about showing my daughters that women aren't doormats....thats why I don't feel that the divorce this summer was for nothing.....
And what else? Perhaps this little 30 day intermission will bring about some changes? I sure hope so.....but am not expecting miracles...just a small step.....
9:33 AM
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