A milestone
It was approaching me slowly...sort of on the periphery of my vision. At times, I was very aware and at other times, I was joyously oblivious to it. But it was approaching me steadily whether I noticed it or not, oh yes, it was surely coming for me to acknowledge it.....my anniversary was.
I remembered on the 18th....I thought about it off and on. I even managed to shed a tear or two. I even thought about it part of the 19th. I even had a sort of plan that I'd just stay in bed all day drinking LOTS of warm milk and eating Twinkies. I've almost been married as long as I was single!! Isn't that a thought??
17 YEARS!
Then something happened on the 19th at night. I'm part of this Yahoo group and Friday they were going to hold a bazaar. Garage sale / henna / pedicures / food/ friends...... I really wanted to go. But more than me wanting to be there.....my oldest was needing it. She really wanted to meet some new people speaking english. And then when I called to confirm on the AM of the 19th, the lady tells me..."its been cancelled". WHAT? I broke the news and my oldest was upset. JEEZ! Everything good that we want to do manages to get cancelled. Sigh. She felt like that, I knew it was like that and I desperately wanted to make her feel better.
And then, subhanAllah! There were two numbers on the last email about the bazaar....so on the 19th PM, I call the other number. It seems she was waiting for my call. She says...so sorry about the info you got earlier, but the bazaar isn't cancelled. You are welcome to join us.
YAY! Happiness all around my house, a hubba hubba dance in action!!! And we start to talk about what we are going to do on the 20th. The 20th. Oh. Oh yeah, what am I going to do with my children on the 20th? Sigh. My children, not my husband. Ya.
20th AM....we get up early and the oldest is RUNNING around the house. Somebody vaccuum before we leave!! Wash up those last dishes! (she yells at the 12 yr old!) MAMA, feed the baby so he won't cry in the car!! Somebody brush the 4 yr olds hair!! MOVE MOVE MOVE!! She's whipping around the house. I sit down and nurse the baby and just look at the oldest girls face. Awwwwwwwww. She's H A P P Y. Remember that, Safa. Remember the look in her eyes as she's yelling orders around the house. Organizing us all in her happiness. (and bossiness, JEEZ!)
We finally get going and instead of putting on music, we leave the radio off. We sit and chat excitedly the whole way. Can I put henna on my hands Mama? I've never had a pedicure....can I do that? Is there going to be other kids my age there? I wonder if anyone made chocolate chip cookies??? (actually, someone did!)
We get there and enjoy good company. I got to meet a sister who I've talked to before. I talk to her online, we've called back and forth. That was great. I met many other sisters from the group...I know their online names and have seen their posts.....it was really good fun.
Yes, they got henna on their hands.
No, they didn't get a pedicure.
No, they didn't get cornrows.
After we left from there, we made our way to Carrefours. We were about halfway there already, so I thought...why not?? We had dinner and then decided to buy gifts for the girls cousins. We are going to Cairo today...so we thought it would be nice, rather than bringing fruit / sweets, etc.
We got light up flip flops, beach towels, outfits, hair elastics, shoes, etc etc. It was really fun!! Then we drove home. Mostly everyone fell asleep in the car. But not the oldest. She looks over at me and says..."thanks Mom for a perfect day, Alhamdulillah." My heart swells and I tell her I had a great day too.
We get home and all get to bed. That's what I did on the day of the 20th. On the day that I got married so long ago. This is what happened with me on that day....when I forgot. So much for my plan of self pity and some warm milk and cookies.
Or twinkies.
Or tears.
I slept fitfully and woke up to my alarm going off for today, the 21st. Yup...Boogie Oogie Oogie by Taste of Honey full blast from my cell phone. Now if that doesn't wake you up groovin what will? (it was my mom's favourite song okay? So be gentle!) I turn it off and sit up in bed. Then I notice that I have a text message.
Somethings not right though. It says that the text is from Hubby. FROM MY HUBBY? WTH? My hubby has NEVER sent me a text message. He doesn't get how to do it. In fact, I know he tried once.....but he screwed it up royally. I mean, sending a text message is one thing....but sending it overseas is another....you aren't sure if you gotta put an extra 1 or what. WTH? Allahu Akbar! I have a text message from him. And I have no idea what's going on. So I flip open my phone and I find these words...
"Happy Anniversary. I love you forever. Your Husband."
I sit and look at it. Oh my.....Did I forget my anniversary? Is it possible that I missed my own pity party? AND HE REMEMBERED? I check the time on it....it arrived at 12:30 am on the 21st....which is about 5:30 PM his time......on the 20th. He remembered. I'm blown away. I feel that I might start to cry....what is it with me that a little thing like this can melt me apart??
But before the tears can find their way to the surface I grab on to myself. I love you forever? Sure. But only when I want to. Sure. Enjoy your empty bed, Safa. Sure. Happy Anniversary by text message. Fine, grand. Nope. NO WAY! And I didn't cry.
Then I go and check house phone. Yep, he called. 7:24 am. and again at 7:25 am. After midnight his time........
Well, I'm not going to focus on it today. I just want to let it go. There is no happiness in this. Not right now.
Thank you Allah for blinding me to that day, letting me enjoy it without letting it get me down. Alhamdulillah!
~~~
Strange thing is. I spoke to my husband a second time, a few nights ago. Maybe 3 nights, I think. And I pushed him. PUSHED AND PUSHED.
ANSWERS! I yelled....
SOLUTIONS! I yelled....
I HAVE NONE! He yelled.
It's been two years of the same things, eh my friends? And then I said it again. Divorce me. You can't be fair, you can't be here.....you've made choices now that have changed everything....LET. ME. GO. (perhaps I'll talk about those new choices later)
He said...fine. I'll do what you want. But when I come, okay? I'll do whatever you ask.
And that is just three days ago.......
posted by Safa at 1:28 AM
13 Comments:
be cool like u were. live your life and be happy. keep him in mind.
yes his txt message was sweet. but is it supposed to make up for everything? obviously not and you knew that very well.
I think this man might come to his senses or perhaps let you go when he realizes yur for real.
2:49 PM
Asalamalaykom Stoned Safa,
Girly, I am not totally with you on this. I love, love, LOVE that you had a good time with your girls...really :)
I just don't get you be so non-accepting of hub's attempts. Clumsy? Maybe. But, I would eat them up and enjoy them. Not that you should lose sight of your needs and wants...but he DID offer you love and well wishes. Why turn up your nose at that? I don't like the attitude of ingratitude. It's an attempt to cover up the hurt, but why not just enjoy what you can enjoy? You are then part of the problem, instead of the solution. You really want to be part of the divorce? You want to be in front of Allah at the end of your days and hear about your cold heart? NO! Let your heart love him when you can. Why not??? He is the father of your children. He is the one who affords those shopping trips. He is the one who sent you a kind, loving message.
Some people want to chastise me for having good feelings about TBD. Well, why not? Why be miserable about a person I enjoyed so much? I can chose to be thankful for the good and move on to better. You can really be so much more gracious, sweetheart. You have that in you.
And thank God you didn't pig out on Twinkies!
Kisses and hugs!
8:38 PM
Dear Safa,
You are such a strong woman, masha'Allah. And you write beautiful posts.. so eloquent it feels like we're next to you while all this happened.
I just wanted to say that waiting to talk face to face with your hubby on such an important decision is the best thing. Even if I believe that you have every right to continue your life without the pain that your husband has inflicted on you, but still, tete-a-tete is the way to go. Now only, if you would know when this will happen!
BTW: saying fine, but later.. is such an Egyptian thing to do, don't you think?
*hugz* to you and your kids!
12:03 AM
And when is he supposedly coming? He's been stringing you along for years. It's sad that your kids have had to put up with this.
I noticed in a previous entry (the one where you posted older emails) that you blamed yourself for him getting remarried, because you weren't there. Weren't you trying to give your kids a better life in Egypt? He needs to take responsibility for his actions. If he can't live there without a woman, then he should have come to live in Egypt, instead of making the situation worse.
Hugs to you and your beautiful children!
Anisah
8:38 AM
Ingratitude, Honorary Arab? Should she be grateful of him lying to her and her children, putting his new wife before all of them, not giving her the rights she is supposed to have? Just grin and bear it, is that it?
I am so glad that you are being strong and not just bearing it, Safa! This is your right, whether someone is Muslim or not, to be treated with respect and love, not lies and deceit. He is running away from his responsibilities to you as a wife. You have EVERY RIGHT to ask for a divorce, why should you have to beg? You are not a child asking to have another cookie, you are asking him to either treat you right or Khalas.
Be strong and stick up for yourself, don't let anyone convince you that you deserve any less. You and your children deserve so much better.
Anisah
6:21 PM
Safa...I read your post when no one had yet posted a comment. I felt overcome with sadness and didn't know what to write you.
As some readers have pointed out YOU HAVE EVERY RIGHT and I agree with that...he's wronged you almost every which way, but I can't help but feel that you still love him and who is anyone to say that your love for each other shouldn't count? A strong woman is not one that asks for a divorce...rather she is one that acts in her and her family's best interest despite adversity. One that is close to Allah and practice patience and more patience and is wise and thoughtful. I get asking for a divorce with all the oppression, but what I don't get is not wanting to wait or discuss and just wanting what you want and wanting it YESTERDAY. I think you've acted as a very strong woman and I just don't see this as very consistent with your fortitude. I am sad because it seems like this is the homestretch where you get to talk and possibly finally get what you wanted...except instead, you'll get a divorce. How fulfilling do you think that is going to feel? I don't think it will feel as good as you imagine. No matter where you go, you cannot and will not erase the years you've had. You will see him in your children's faces and I think you will have moments of longing and remorse. If you didn't have love between you, I wouldn't feel so sad for you. It is so easy for us to read your blog and cheer you on...but we are not the ones who will long for his embrace, to smell his cologne, to touch his skin...that is all going to be you!
I say all this to you and I am a feminist Muslima with a strong voice. I believe that our voice and strength does not lie in choices to rip ourselves away from men we love to teach them this or that, but rather to be wise and persistent, and not let your voice wither. A voice that persists towards what is just and right, not simply say "give me a divorce".
I am sorry to say, that your divorce me with no discussion thing sounds more like a hissy fitting 4 year old than a strong woman. It is not strength when you don't listen to your intuition. You were happy and your heart fluttered...why not listen to that?
8:17 PM
Asalamalaykom Anisah,
I think, that in the whole scheme of life, you end up a bigger winner when you are grateful for what is good. It was good of him to remember and acknowledge their anniversary.
What good does it do to make her hub the perpetual loser in this? He does some things right! He affords them a luxurious lifestyle. He loves his kids. He says he loves his wife. Why beat him up at every turn?
If Safa has ANY ANY ANY hope for staying married to him...and I think she does...then it doesn't benefit her to take the stance of "damned if he does" and "damned if he doesn't". That isn't fair. That isn't the way I think she would want to be treated. And if he has treated her badly, show me a man who HASN'T EVER been a jerk to his wife! Sure, some are better than others, but it's a learning process to be in a marriage. He has failed--true. But, he didn't fail on their anniversary and I don't accept the idea that it helps Safa's marriage to bash him for every single move.
It might help her ego, but not her life and the life of her children.
A lot of you commentators feel you have to boost Safa up or she will crumble. She's stronger than that. While you are boosting her up, make sure that you aren't hurting her more than you are helping her.
If she is all done with her marriage, as you cheer her on...then what? Which one of you is going to be supporting her financially? Spiritually? You all have lives and families and Safa is just a name on a blog. Well, she is a real person and I'm sick of people advising her to be a bitch. Her being bitchy is not only un-Islamic, it's UNHELPFUL. You want to be a bitch? Go for it! Up to you! But when you start advising women to be harsh to their husbands; the father to their children and their lifeline of 17 years???? I mean---come on.
"Your children deserve so much better" is what you say. Well, her husband provides for them and loves them. He counsels them and scolds them. He encourages them. He is there in MANY ways a lot of husbands who LIVE WITH their children do NOT.
Does she deserve less? Did I say that? NO. But, Allah loves those who are humble and grateful. There is MUCH for her to be grateful about. She is a blessed woman in many ways.
Your lines to her make her forget those blessings. I choose to look at her life and see the positive, while acknowledging there are issues to work on.
May Allah forgive any of us who give advise without doing it for the sake of Allah. And May Safa take the good---that is from Allah, and leave the bad--that is from our lower selves.
8:24 PM
Safa,
Through all of this the solution he has chosen, not choosing anything. This is making you and the children suffer. He thinks you will wait it out. I pray all the best for YOU and the CHILDREN:) I am so sorry for your pain.
Amira
11:11 PM
Safa,
I agree with both Honorary Arab and Anisah, in that a marriage is precious and that we need to cherish it as best we can, regardless of the circumstances; however it does work both ways. Do you see him making any special efforts to improve his relationship with you and the kids? The period of waiting before the final divorce, is basically that: the waiting period. It is a period to see if Allah will bring about any good to the marriage as a way to re conciliate, to see if the marriage is still salvageable (is that a word?). You're not divorced yet, however, it puts the marriage in a more serious context. Perhaps he will have a change of heart before the final divorce. Or perhaps, you might decide that you'd rather live with the pain of polygyny rather than split. Anyone has free reign to back out whenever they choose at this point, unless one is unwilling to back down. I can make one judgment based on what you've posted though.....he sent you an anniversary message...bet you it would not have happened if you didn't bring up divorce.
Just keep in mind that he is not God and he has no right to impose anything on you against your will. Always fear Allah, in that you may be setting up partners or idols in worship! Not trying to scare you...but that is the truth.
8:00 AM
salam alaikum,
It's true, as the commenters said, that I don't know you Safa. I only read what you post here. But I have to say I think that a lot of Muslim ladies (and I include myself in this group) do ourselves a big injustice by being so patient that we harm ourselves or allow others to do so. Accepting for ourselves what we would never condone for someone else, keeping silent when we should speak up and accepting poor treatment when we should stand up for our rights.
For all the advice in the quran about patience, Allah also urges us to stand up against injustice. The Prophet, peace be upon him, said:
"When you see injustice, stop it with your hand, if you can't do that, speak out against it, and if you can't even do that, hate it in your heart. And the last is a sign of the weakness of your faith."
And Allah does not want us to suffer, or to live under oppression.
Unhappiness itself is a totally halal & Islamic reason, even in the absence of any other issue, to ask for divorce.
* * *
Remember that the Prophet was ready to order Ali to divorce Fatima, purely because it pained her to see her husband marry another woman.
"Narrated Al-Miswar bin Makhrama:
I heard Allah’s Apostle who was on the pulpit, saying, “Banu Hisham bin Al-Mughira have requested me to allow them to marry their daughter to Ali bin Abu Talib, but I don’t give permission, and will not give permission unless ‘Ali bin Abi Talib divorces my daughter in order to marry their daughter, because Fatima is a part of my body, and I hate what she hates to see, and what hurts her, hurts me.”
Or what about in this case:
Narrated Ibn ‘Abbas: The wife of Thabit bin Qais came to the Prophet and said, “O Allah’s Apostle! I do not blame Thabit for defects in his character or his religion, but I, being a Muslim, dislike to behave in un-Islamic manner (if I remain with him).” On that Allah’s Apostle said (to her), “Will you give back the garden which your husband has given you (as Mahr)?” She said, “Yes.” Then the Prophet said to Thabit, “O Thabit! Accept your garden, and divorce her once.”
* * *
So, what about in cases where there is injustice being perpetrated within the marriage...
"Marry women of your choice, two, or three, or four; but if ye fear that ye shall not be able to deal justly [with them], then [marry] only one."
* * *
As you said, Safa, love is not just talk. It's actions - he has to walk the walk!
I don't know your life or your marriage or your heart, but I only want to say that Allah supports us to ask for our rights ("retain them with honor"), and he provides a way out for us ("or release them with kindness").
xx
sarah
1:12 PM
Remember that we do not have all of the information. Safa has said in this entry that there are "new choices" he has made, that "perhaps I'll talk about those new choices later."
I agree that all people must seek the will of God. Don't condemn reactions or the way in which she speaks with him. There are situations none of us know about.
She has described well how obstinate he is in his refusal to have meaningful, honest discourse about this subject with her, his wife!
7:27 PM
HA seems you are wanting Safa's Husband and his money that you keep mentioning!
12:03 AM
Mannnn--all in all--sounds like you had a BLAST with your girls. What are you supposed to do? Stay home and sulk? Heck no--I am glad you had a nice day.
It's about time he started putting forth an effort.
10:28 AM
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