old emails...of a time when there was hope and belief....

I was looking thru my old emails and found a few that just left me gasping for air....depressed.....and utterly silent. Sigh....I've been hoping for a long time.....the first letter was one of support to my dear friend.....I don't think she'll mind that I posted it. It may be of benefit to others and needs to be shared.....


~~~~~

March 4, 2006

I've been sitting looking at this email for awhile.....wondering about what you said....wondering what this means to 'me'.....is what you say a reality? A truth? Just a fear? What is it?

Well, I suppose for one....it's up to ur husband to fix what he has broken. He has to satisfy you, take care of you, ally your fears.......he has a harder job to do with wife # 1 than he has with wife # 2. We are the losers in this equation and he has to change that sort of thinking. By being thoughtful, compassionate and caring. It's a hard load for him, to be sure.

My hubby is failing with a capital F in this regard. In the last week we've spoken for in total 15 mins. So enough about the men.....what's our job? How about detaching yourself from him a bit? That's what I'm trying to do....yes I love him desperately.....but he's not all I have.......I suppose the way he must feel himself....he loves me...but he's got more than just me.

So I'm the same.....I have my kids...I have Allah. Isnt that enough? Maybe we'll die before we become the dust? Do you deny that you've been a good wife to your husband? Do you deny that in your marriage you are the one who has been the stable? The strong? So continue. Do it. Imagine what a relief umust be to your hubby....u know what he likes....he doesn't have to "discipline" you....he KNOWS u....knows what to expect. That in itself must feel great.

The one thing that I really see where you are comingf rom, but don't know what to say.....is about him having a family. I'd be really jealous about that.....in fact.......if my hubby decides to have kids with this woman....I'm walking out. He said he never would have kids with anyone else.....and mind you....he's replaced me in Canada....why can't he replace his kids, too? A new family.....so cute. But I'm not gonna stick around to see it. If he changes his mind on it.....for whatever reason.......I wont be able to handle that.

With you, it's different.....you'll handle it, Honey...u'll get over it.....but you need to get back to Egypt so you can start dealing with things....enough of putting things on hold. Don't you love your husband? Don't you think you could love anything that was his? Even his child? Does he love your kids? So u will learn to love his, when they come along. If he already had kids when he married you...wouldn't you have accepted them? Isn't it better that the kids will come to you when they are just babies...that you'll bond with them...in ways you could never bond with a 14 yr oldstepchild? It's a blessing. You'll love the innocent. You will. It will be his....and you'll love this baby for that.

Amazing that someone can break your heart but you can still love them with the little pieces...........

Tues, April 18, 2006,

LOLOL.....no no no.....no more theatrics....please! I'm so sick and tired of the stories / lies /concoctions / bullshit. (hehehehe)

But here is the latest news.......my hubby called my br in law a couple days ago and my bro in law wantedto talk to me.....I told you that right? Well, hejust never got around to it, till today. But day before yesterday....my hubby calls me and tells me he took a decision and asked me if he told me already.....so I'm like....no? So he says....he's gonna finish the court case with the owners of his store.....(that's supposed to finish in a couple of months) and then he's coming back to egypt for good.

OMG! I was happy....and bit my tongue...wanting to ask him what about her? Should I start getting an apt ready? But I decided not to say anything and just tell him that I'm so happy he's coming home....and that it's about time.....blah blah blah. So then this morning I went downstairs to my bro inlaws.....and he had this talk with me.......seems likemy hubby has either divorced the woman, or is in theprocess of it. He told my bro in law that he isn't staying with her. I don't know more than that.....and even my hubby didn't tell me......but I'm glad I kept my mouth shut when he told me he was coming home.

I don't know if I should feel happy with this sisters situation....but I AM! I can't tell you what my opinion of her is.......or maybe I have?.........and with hubby coming home.....I'm gonna be able to take care of my man....and never let him wander again!!! Now if the time would just hurry up and pass!!!!! And may Allah keep his heart FIRM in his decisions....Ameen!!!!!

Love ya, Safa

April 20, 2006

Can't wait till you get home and I get a proper chance to talk with you. Had a good conversation with hubby today....just about all the troubles he's havingthere......sorta offhandedly mentioned that I saw his bro here in Egypt and he talked to me.

Not much of a reaction.....so then I says to him....so are you still married? And he says.....don't worry about me...let me get what I have to get done here and make dua forme....???? Hmmmmmm.......... I just wish he was here again and we could be finished with all this...... I really believe that his reason for marrying wasbecause I wasn't there.......that makes me feel really bad.

I would be surprised if he came home to me and one day turned around and said he wants another wife. Maybe in Canada he just had too much empty time on his hands......I suppose I will always feel like I am to blame for not being there....that is a hard idea toget outta my head. And I supposed that about this whole second marriage thing.....and all the stories going round.....the hard head thing is sticking.
I miss ya!

Safa