Drama.....again!!
So I've asked him for a divorce. He said he'll deal with it when he gets back to Egypt. Ya, I'm pissed about it and don't know what to say........
Then I go downstairs and start talking to the SIL about things. Telling her whats going on. And she has some things of her own to tell. Seems like hubby told his brother that the store got closed down. That he bought into another business. (he told him this 3 weeks ago)
I don't understand. How could his store get closed down? It doesn't make ANY sense..... And on top of that....I called hubby a week ago at his work and he answered. How can the store be closed?
So then I think....could the number be transferred? I get a trusty friend to call the store and ask a few questions.....and u know what? He tells her that the store location has changed!! WUT THE HELL????
He's closed down business only to open something else? Is that the actions of a man coming home? IS IT??
I'm not going to tell him I know. Cuz he somehow forgot to tell me about this. But I'm sending him a card in the mail....to the new place. He'll prolly get it in two weeks. JEEZ.
And another thing. The night I asked my hubby to divorce me.....I told him about my niece seeing MM in the mall with her kids. I asked him if she has her kids back. Well..she does. "She's had them back for awhile now." he said. They don't live together....sometimes he goes to her place to visit, and sometimes she comes to his.
Stop me from swearing....... So there's the newest drama. It sucks. And I just don't know what to do....I feel like standing on my balcony and YELLING....SCREW THIS!!!!!!! But no....I have a masked face.....I don't want the kids to find out.....so I gotta keep calm and not be upset.
I just don't understand what he's doing? He told his brother something about doing this for a bit of time to get some extra money.....but that doesn't sit well with me.
Maybe it's a man thing? He doesn't wanna come home empty handed? Jeez! As if saving face was worth being away from ur family longer than you have to.
It sucks, I say. It sucks.
posted by Safa at 1:43 AM
26 Comments:
Salaams Habibitee,
Can you go to an imam/shaykh at al-azhar to go get the divorce? He's been lying, not giving you your islamic rights. A decent imam should be able to pronounce your divorce right then and there.
Big suckage.
6:38 AM
Salam alaikoum , In France and Switzerland they have an online business registry run by the government. while it would be too soon for a new entry to show up online, the closed business or a change in its status would show up within a week or so online. Does Canada have something similar? In the US I would ust call the better business bureau.
7:02 AM
Safa-honey he doesn't plan on coming home. Why would he got through the process of moving a business that he plans on closing? He believes he has strung you along this long-what is a few more years. We women are so loving and forgiving-we make excuse after excuse for a person no matter what they have done to us. Safa, step back and see the situation for what it is..why come back? Because he desperately misses you or the children? Does he show this to any of you all?? Does he call, write, email, or text? No. He has no excuse, he will answer to Allah for what he has done-but you are responsible for your own happiness-not him. I repeat these things because I know that when you are in situations of the heart-there are times that we need to be reminded over and over and over again of the reality of the situation! I love you for the sake of Allah. May he grant some more ease Insh'Allah. Now go love up on the new man in the house! :)
8:31 AM
Aoife....I'm thinking about it....I"m sort of in shock here. He called today for the second time since I asked for a divorce....talked to all the kids again, but didn't ask for me. I'm the black sheep now....LOL. It shouldn't bother me....but it does. It's like...he doesn't even want to put any effort towards us. At least if he was gonna talk to me, I would think that he still loves me or something. I'm still trying to swallow it that he's gone from me.
I'm fine....just basically trying to gather myself up.
CNCZ....I checked the registry....nothing yet.
Mommamu....I know....i know. I'm staring it all in the face. He doesn't call, write, email, fax, text no communication at all. He hardly calls us anymore. I think he divorced me in his mind a long time ago.
8:54 AM
"It shouldn't bother me....but it does."
ARE YOU KIDDING?! OF COURSE IT SHOULD AND WOULD BOTHER YOU! Please stop swallowing your feelings! When we stop allowing ourselves to feel, we are no longer humans! Safa, I am so proud of you! I truly believe that the divorce will allow you to be the muslimah and raise the muslim children in the way of allah that you are wishing...as crazy as that sounds! And I am not even Muslim! LOL
9:29 AM
ASAK
I hope what ever comes out of this it just makes you a stronger person and know that you did u're best to salvage this marriage. May allah make it easy for you
my duas are with you
11:16 AM
Salaam Alaikum Safa,
It's not a "man thing" and I think you know it. It's not about not coming home empty handed.
It's a "lying thing" and don't forget he is still married and obviously acting as much the part with his other wife as with you. Either come to terms and accept what he is offering with no unrealistic expectations or get your divorce. He doesn't have to "give" it to you.
Love you,
PM
11:41 AM
You could always go for the shock value type thing:
"Honey, I really need the talaaq so that I am not committing adultery or polygamy with my next great love."
I know, bad me. I'm vindictive right now.
11:50 AM
Dear Safa,
You have asked for the divorce after thinking very hard and weighing the pros and cons. If you have really made up your mind, then you need to do something about it. Keep in mind that HE has not asked you for the divorce. He has no need to, even if he is not emotionally engaged in the marriage at present or for recent past. This staus quo has stood him in good stead for so many years. Things have really been good for him so far. This state of suspended animation seems to suit him wonderfully. Does it suit you? Does it suit the emotional wellbeing of your children? He is not likely to move on the divorce or on coming home, if he shares nothing with you.. not even his business plans. Obviously, the two of you have little communication about the things that really matter... especially financial, considering that you are both eventually responsible for the food, clothing and shelter for the children.
If I was you, and if I was really convinced about the need for divorce I would be proactive. If I have reached the point of no return, I would find myself on a plane to Canada (yes...newborn Baby and all) to get the facts firsthand, have a face to face meeting or atleast thru good legal representation and to get my legal rights secured. By legal I mean, custody, monetary, and everything that affects my children and me financially. It is difficult to do anything as complicated as this by remote control. I would have a deadline for every stage and stick with it. Endlessly waiting for the other party to make a move does not make for either good relationships in happy times nor good negotiations in bad times.
Sadiyah
12:10 PM
Safa, from a practical standpoint, what can you do to brace yourself for this? Does a woman not have the legal ability to seek divorce in Egypt, or does it come w/ the risk of lost support (some countries do this-if the woman instigates, she loses righs to the material objects). Have you spoken to your mother about this? Heaven forbid this requires some immediately upheaval of your family, but just in case...are you ready for that? Take care of you and those gorgeous kids, S.
12:45 PM
Safa, I am more worried since you made that comment abt him divorcing you in his mind a long time ago, And his comment abt dealing with the divorce once he comes to Egypt. I am really afraid he is waiting until all his ducks are in a row and will come to Egypt, divorce you and prevent you from leaving with the kids. I'm sure you know he can do that, and I cant imagine how you will get out with your children. He could make your life a living hell there. Isnt there anyway for you to get out before he comes back?
2:31 PM
Asalaam alaikum sister,
The other sisters are right, you have rights in islam. It's not right to be married and yet not be married. Your happiness and your well being are the only things that matter in the end. After all, he seems only to be looking after his. Please, please, please sister, take your rights.
5:04 PM
Aoife....LOL...I spit my coffee all over the screen with that comment of urs....JEEZ!
So many good comments this time......
Here's something I didn't share.....and it SUCKS!
I haven't been able to make the Canadian Registration for the baby.....my name on the baby's Egyptian Birth Certificate was written wrong....it's not the same last name as my Canadian Passport. And for me to apply for citizenship for the baby, I gotta have the same name. I tried a million ways to get it changed....but there's a damn rule in Egypt...only the father changes the BC. CRAP! And about the passport....us Cdns have this law where both parents have to be seen, not to mention that both parents have to sign.....
I mean, I could deal with the signature.....but HELL...I'm stuck (planted) here at the moment!
I had every intention of getting on the plane......but that just sucks now!
JEEZ! SubhanAllah!!
(BTW, the BIL did the birth certificate and screwed it up, not hubby)
7:57 AM
Assalamu Alaikum Dear Safa,
Just wanted to give you my opinion. Sorry for my poor english.
I have been reading your blog for quite a while now.
It is true that when reading your posts one may say it is better to ask
for a divorce, but as we all know divorce is not easy. Is divorce the only solution????
Dear Safa, you are the only one who knows how your husband was and is, you are the only one who knows
how much you love your husband, how much you can stand and forgive.
What about having a meeting with the members of his family and a Sheikh and discuss
all your problems and find a solution. Any reasonable person will agree that he is not giving you
all your rights. I don't know if there is an "old" person in your husband family who can talk to him
and tell him that what he's doing to you and children is against Islam.
Do not put all the burden on you, involve his family and share your problems.
May Allah Kareem give hidaya to your husband 3adjlane wa layssa Adjilane.
Your are in my prayers.
Salam.
Samia.
9:08 AM
Little not without my daughter going on here. Even in US and I assume Canada, you can't leave the country unless you have other parent's permission. Heck, in USA, in case of divorce you can't even move to another state without sign off of other parent. I have seen plenty of spouses here in the US make lives a living hell for their ex.
Obviously, Safa's husband is not giving her rights, but I'm not sure why you have taken the path you have taken all along. Were you divorced in your mind from your husband a long time ago, also? Why not refuse to leave Canada last time were there and fight for your rights if you wanted to save marriage? It is easy to distance yourself from someone when your relationship is conducted over the phone. Distance is no good in any marriage and it allowed a mental separation between both of you and a bond was severed and I am sure MM was playing on that. He was let off the hook because now he never has to take blame on himself and he can say you are the one who asked for the divorce, thus his guilt is removed, (weird I know).
Also, is it possible he is not living with MM right now in order for her to get custody of children to set up proper appearance for courts?
Everyone is cheering for divorce, but I have seen marriages(few, but they are out there) that have been through hell and have come back stronger.
Final comment, your writing is very beautiful. There are a lot of blogs out there that have good writers, but yours truly conveys the depth of your emotions and that is why so many of us find it painful to read and touching and we maybe say more than we should sometimes.
9:28 AM
Ooof...That damn passport. I suppose, like Eva mentioned, you have to be prepared for what he might be planning. On the one hand, your husband seems rather divorced from the whole family-not just you. I'm thinking back to that comment he made about replacing everyone. :-( But divorced in spirit w/ your family far away, and divorced for real w/ your wife packing up and taking the kids...I'm sure he'd respond differently. Perhaps you should gauge the situation, prepare for his intentions...and then prepare to be a sneaky.
9:40 AM
Good luck to you, whatever develops.
10:27 AM
Salaams
Have your BIL go fix the daggone BC!!!! See if there's a way around the passport issue...hubby's in Canada for pete's sake!! Surely there is a waiver of some sort for the 2nd parent?
I saw a therapist a few years ago cuz of hubby problems. What she said pertains to u too. she said I was giving him no reason to change. He was doing what he was doing due to selfish reasons. So what if it hurt me...all he had to do was put up w/ a little bitching and yelling from me and then all was fine and he continued to do what he wanted. ShE SAID I had to make him feel it...and I did...and 6 years later things are good and the issues are in the past..
Same w/ ur hubby...he doesn't want to hear you say these things so he doesn't call. The only thing he must deal with is when you call and then he has to listen...He has it made...2 wives and living with neither one. One wife is there for nooky when he wants it, and the other wife is respectfully living in his homeland raising his children Islamically. I know sooooooo many Arabic, Egyptian, Asian(ALL MUSLIM) men who have their sweet, little Islamic wife and kids and on the side, either in a haraam or halal manner, their little hoochie mama. (Sorry I am in a bad way lol).
But the scenario fits you, and when he has made a fabulous success of his business in Canada, he will return to Egypt to claim his pious, good wife and the beautifulchildren you have raised and will be all proud and take credit for what a wonderful job he has done!!!
Am I making sense?
I'm not one to suggest divorce..what i went thru is the #1 reason marriages break up, but alhumdulilah we survived and things are better than ever... Keep praying and follow what you think Allah wants of you.
2:59 PM
A lesson I learned recently is that the enemy will not wait until you're comfortable enough and emotionally ready to make a move. Not that your husband is a full-fledged enemy...yet... but like eva said, you need to be alert and be ready to act and ready to defend yourself in case he tries to pull a fast one on you and really ruins your life (even more). Waiting and dwelling in shock only gives him more time to plan a retaliation. Somehow it doesn't seem past him to get sadistic and vindictive. Take care.
4:36 PM
I don't think a man like him is gona threaten someone like Safa to take away kids. Usually these threats are always empty I think on the part of the man. Cuz evvveryone knows it ain't easy to raise kids :-) Yes he could get a maid or what not, but still, it can be a pain.
Anyway, i see some insight in the last anonymous's comment. I mean why not go to canada and fight for your marriage a little. Yell at him, scream at him, talk some sense at him, drag him to a sheikh, why not give him some hell for a possible good end?
I agree that divorce is an easy answer, but only for the moment. Yes this man has put you through hell, but why not go the distance to find out if he can be fixed. Its only humans who make stupid mistakes and he's a human.
I mean you are living comfortably right now with his money. Without that, you'd have to fend for yourself. Yes in a way actualy you may feel releived to have all his mess out of your life.
But perhaps if you go back to Canada, some things can be taken care of. why not tell Hubby that you wana see your mom right now and yur not feeling well, and go visit for the summer, have him somehow get your passport stuff done if that can be done.
And then give him hell in canada. yu'll have your mom's help hopefully. You'll have more leverage.
And make sure you look really good when yur there;-)
9:05 PM
Salam alaikoum...
one of the anonymouses was right about one thing...
"Everyone is cheering for divorce, but I have seen marriages(few, but they are out there) that have been through hell and have come back stronger. "
I have seen this in my own life. I am always praying for you and thinking of you and believe that Allah swt's perfect plan will come to pass in the best way for you.
2:58 AM
Make sure you look really good when you're there????? What a insane comment? So she should still be trying to get this man who wants nothing to do with her?? That's pathetic. And what is this with asking him for a divorce..tell him...you don't have to have his permission for a divorce. Stand up! Show him you are a proud, independant, strong woman.
5:30 AM
for the last anonymous...in this world if u swallow you rpride and do something thats good for everyone, that could be a more beneficial for yoruself and everyone involved.
However, I believe what you refer to is called feminism. Where the woman has to pretend she is strong and doesn't care about anything.
7:18 AM
assalamu aeikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuhu,
I disagree with the last anonymous. Being strong is not a feminist thing. Being strong is a quality of a believer. The strongest women ever were believers.
Just the other day I was thinking about Musa's (AS) mom and how she had to give her baby to the river. And Asiya (the Pharoah's wife) and her love. Did Allah (SWT) tell us how Musa's dad felt? Do you think he asked Musa's mom when she got home, "where is Musa" , "Oh, I put him in the river". AstagfirAlllah. Anyways, it DOESN'T Matter. There are countless examples in the Quran and sunnah that explain the a women has her own criteria just like men do. We will be judged by our actions and choices, just like men do, and, yes, we can be strong.
I have seen Muslimahs who reverted to islam DESPITE their Muslim spouse. In two cases, even sisters who reverted and remrried after divorcing. Because Islam is the perfect deen. It does not rely on your husband. You are Muslim and you are strong becasue of Allah's will. Not because of your husband.
This is important, because one of the forms of shirk is to place importance, love and/or respect of a human being above the love you have for Allah (SWT).
So, given that, I don't believe that feminists are strong and Muslim women are not. Had I heard that statement I would have trouble reverting in the first place. As I said before, my mom and my sister, and my sister's best friend (a feminist) also reverted to Islam.
I have been Muslim over 12 years now, Alhamdulillah and I cover, etc. Because ALLAH (SWT) says so, not because my husband asked me, btw. And if anyone called me a feminist, I would politely say, Allah (SWT) says to call me a Muslim.
I am afraid you may be giving Safa the wrong impression about what it mean to be strong. Do you wish that she were weak?
12:13 PM
That is certainly not my definition of feminism. Neither is a feminist a person who needs no one. Rather a feminist is a person who values herself and those she loves and does not permit herself or those she loves to be abused. And that in my opinion is what this husband has been doing for a long time. The time comes when the victim has to make a decision not to allow the abuse anymore. To weigh the benefits of remaining a victim ...what are they in this case?...I'm not sure...I think in Safa's mind it is if she is married she is not really alone but I'm sure she is realizing there are worse things than being alone and she is alone now without even the benefit of being able to look and plan for the future..whether that means an independent life or meeting a new partner ...it's only the idea of being alone that frightens her maybe...when the break is made and she can truly begin to have hope for the future...she and her children will be a lot happier...I caution her not to give this man time to plan on how he can get out of this marriage with all the advantages his way...be pro-active.
12:44 PM
salaam safa
there's a lot of talk about everything here and i just wanted to give you my two cents on what i would do and you can take what is useful from it and leave the rest, insha'Allah. with divorce as rampant as it is these days, i personally think it would be beneficial to exhaust all means of keeping the marriage and family together before finalizing a divorce. and by this i mean to do everything first and then leave it to Allah. if i was in this position, i'd get all of the research done, find out from all sources in the family and in the town or city your husband is in, find out what's been going on, dates, times, etc. and also research the human development of his age and also the marriage cycle by year in order to get a clearer picture of what is going on psychologically. and then meet him face to face with no children, no cell phones, no distractions and talk sincerely. you'll have all of the information that you need and from the conversation you'll see more of his side to teh story. it may just be a mid life crisis for him. then decide what to do.
you've communicated that you've had it and now he knows. do the investigation, meet him and then make a decision.
i believe that if it ends the way that it is going, it'll drag out and you'll always have doubts and constantly thinking of what went wrong and regret and all of that.
but what i'm communication to you, in the end you've done all thatyou can and whichever way it ends is in Allah's hands. but you have to do the work.
hope that makes sense and i hope that you take something from this insha'Allah.
7:01 PM
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