more news...
I had this upside down day yesterday. Nothing was going right. My 10 yr old was looking at the cell phone and comes up to me and says..."2 weeks until Baba comes." SIGH. What am I supposed to tell her? And he's not calling. W T H? Why isn't he calling?
And then the 10 yr old comes back to me......she says..."I know why Baba isn't calling." And she looks at me with those eyes....so I says...why?
"because his wife won't let him." SIGH. BIG SIGH.
So I nip that all in the bud...and I tell her that her father is busy...blah blah blah. But then I go in my room and call him. CALL ME BACK! And he does.
I try to breathe as I tell him...."why haven't u been calling?" I've been busy. "To that extent?" Yes, to that extent, he says. So I tell him that the kids have been waiting to hear from him, that two of them have passed...and his oldest will finish the next day. I tell him that his 10 yr old is having a hard time. I tell him what she said.
Let me talk to her, he says. So then I say....well...be prepared...she thinks you are coming in 2 weeks. (we all think that)
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And I call his daughter.... and sit at my computer watching her talk to him.... she asks him when he's coming.... and then two alligator tears fall from her eyes. I fight to control my own. SIGH. She tells him, okay... okay, baba.... and gives me the phone... with a hug. And then whispers in my ear.... he's not coming. And leaves the room. It takes me second to gather myself.
Why did it take you so long to come back to the phone? He asks. Well...ur daughter is crying so I gave her a hug. When are you coming? I ask him. He says...4 weeks...5 weeks...maybe 2 mos....(and I say to him)....maybe 3 mos or 4. He doesn't like that. The air becomes tense.
So I start some more questions....what's happening? I'm working on it. What's the news? I'm handling it. Every question I ask him, he closes the door. So I get smart......
I start with....the baby....the villa....the car.....and calm him down.....and he tells me....the phone card is about to finish....so I say quickly. OH! I'm going to start the baby's Canadian paperwork, ok? Just so you know.
Okay he says. And then....dial tone. The card finished. And in the end...I got something I needed. I'm starting it tomorrow. I feel good for this little win..........and at the same time. I feel so down......so low.
I'm trying to make sense of everything.....trying to figure out how I'm going to go about this. It's much harder than I expected.....but I'm starting. Yes...I'm starting...alhamdulillah. I'm making my house livable again.....
posted by Safa at 9:05 AM
19 Comments:
Safa,
Your such a strong person. Do what needs to be done for you and the children. I'm in your corner.
Amirah
11:57 AM
love to you... those are not easy steps you are taking. good for you, safa: may God ease the way for you.
yr sister in islam
sarah
3:24 PM
sometimes in life we need to amputate our own limb to save our life.
3:40 PM
your house is pretty can I come live there?
3:49 PM
Salaams:
many muslimahs have been "here" before.The distance is to great to bring about normal muslim family dynamics you must relocate your marriage will never survive its irroding with rapid speed in these two years!Your husband as a man is detatching from you and the kids.He will always "just visit" like any other relative. Make a bold move,- join your husband in Can. and I bet your husband and his wife will scream they daylights out!!!they have both decided that life is better without "YOU"! they both are transgressors in Allahs law.She supports his deliberate neglect and mental anguish /abuse toward his family and he always tries to prove how you all mean little to him and she is of utmost importance and this wicked cycle will continue until you stop it by whatever means. "Thier fine" they lay in each others arms every night and believe me they sleep fine.This is your battle..So as muslimah fight for your rights and if need be bow out gracfully!!!..or adapt to a life married but much more like his distant concubine with children..or just adapt to stay with him...but to what ? You know what Islam says about these type of husbands...Allah Hafiz
6:43 PM
Assalamu aleikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuhu,
What is he "handling" that he can't take 2 minutes to call every single day?
I've had a very busy day, but I still have 5 minutes to check on your blog and comment. :)
Don't let him shortchange you. You deserve your time, even if on the phone, you should be getting a few hours a week on the phone with him AT LEAST. Argh.
Also, remember that at this point, you could get the baby's papers even if your spouse said no. Who cares? Do what you gotta do. Apparently your husband lives his life without asking you permission for stuff.
Insha'Allah, you will be fine. Allah (SWT) takes care of his believers. Insha'Allah.
You are smart and good and don't let your spouse forget it. And don't YOU forget it either.
7:10 PM
Asalaam Alaikum Sister,
Oh dear.... so much all at once. The joy of a new life and the heartbreak of your relationship with your husband. Inshallah things will get easier for you soon. You are in my dua.
May Allah bless you and your family and give you strength and peace,
Aeryn
7:34 PM
Salaamu 3laikum Sister,
I came across your weblog a few months ago and have been reading it since then. May Allah reward you for all the struggles you face on a day to day basis.
I was wondering if you would be interesting in speaking with me over MSN about polygyny. I have some issues I am facing right now and would love your input on them.
If you would be okay with that, please give me your MSN ID.
Jazakumullah Khair
Sarah
7:38 PM
Assalamu Alaikum!
Okay...so he can mistreat you, but how can a father mistreat his own precious little daugther? All she wanted to see was daddy come home...IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR? Is that woman in Canada MORE IMPORTANT than his daugther?
MY GOD!
I need to leave your blog for the night before I have private investigator find his ass in Canada! :)
7:46 PM
Safa, I am in no position to tell you what to do. But, in my CANDID OPINION, I don't believe this is the environment your son should grow up in...all of your children deserve better. And you being a mother need to make sure they get better. YOU DESERVE BETTER!
7:47 PM
My heart goes out for you, take care..
10:04 PM
im a little shocked at the clear out way all the commenters are rooting for divorce here.
Come on guys.
Safa try evvverything to keep the family together, in a FAIR way where it does meet your needs and your children.
so that you don't ever feel that you bowed out gracefuly a little too early.
I think surprising them in canada sure does sound like a wicked idea :-)
Your hubby sounds like the kind of guy who likes 'hard to get'. And yeh he does sound like he's got his feelings to recede to a point where he doesn't care for y'all's feelings. However, I can't understand how a man can stay away from his children like that. THAT is something else.
5:05 AM
Salamu alaykum Safa,
I don't understand your husband but Allah knows best what his intentions are. I think he should try to keep in touch with you and the children at least several times a week. I mean it's bad enough he had to leave so soon after your surgery but now he won't even give phone support. May Allah have mercy on you and bless you and your family with all that is good. Ameen.
6:58 AM
"She supports his deliberate neglect and mental anguish /abuse toward his family and he always tries to prove how you all mean little to him and she is of utmost importance and this wicked cycle will continue until you stop it by whatever means."
Ok see this struck a nerve with me. Safa is my best friend and as much as I love her and know nothing of MM I can not sit and let this be said with out a rebuttle. I am a second wife. My cowife does live in another country. My husband goes there every year. I do not condone this AT ALL. We argue and fight about her rights all the time. I don't think it is fair to say that she supports his deliberate neglect without knowing how she feels. Yes we can assume she feels that way but it would hurt me to know someone was saying that about me. I would love to have all of us together but financially we can not...
Also how do you know that either is important to him....if you notice he is always telling Safa how MM means nothing to him....he may very well be saying the same thing on the other end. We don't know unless we are there listening to both side. My husband NEVER lied about his love for his other wife. He has always spoken highly of her MAsh'Allah and tells me how much he loves and misses her. How do you know that Safa's hubby does not say the same thing about Safa? I agree that Safa's situation sucks and I do not agree with her husbands treatment of her but always keep in mind that this is SAFA'S blog...not her husband or MM's blog. Even though there is much pain and struggle it is not up to us to judge the other parties with out thier voices being heard.
7:22 AM
Salaams:
Wow!..why would your closest friends take your comments and apply them to themselves? she writes a paragragh about her and her husband and the excused-neglect of his other wife?I am also a second wife.First or second he must be "JUST" I bet it did strike a nerve (she's) living a nightmare as your self but, on the flip side...see, theres no peace for either wife in these situations due to the fact that the one mainly with husband is in constant fear of the tables turnning on her or equal time shes not used to and the other one is in fear of loosing her husband as time gose by and the distance grows wider. And showing up to join hubbi is wicked to your friends?..hmm...its hitting the core issue never would a women be at ease with the other wife so-call invading her space and CAN. is her space for two years that is all she knows since shes been married and what hubbi's taught her and you how poly.is practiced.It must be corrected.NO women can fight for "YOUR" rights she can only incourage him .This is your marriage and family.If I've offeded please pardon and yes Ive bee in poly. all my life (twice)first time horrible,second time beautiful.The key element the husbands "fairness".
10:51 AM
First, yeah ummabdurahman! I would have said the same things. You just never know what's going on with people.
Safa, I just want to say you are in my dua. I think you are in an awful bind right now, but you have to choose what is right for you and your kiddos. Maybe the best thing (if DH never shapes up) is to just go on with your life like he's a little extra. If he comes good, but you aren't counting on it. You have your life there in Egypt. And I for one think it sounds pretty great. I have citizenship there and DH and I plan to move there, insha'Allah. I will go with or without him in a few years. I guess I'm saying, you're obligation is to you and your kids right now. You stay if you want, you kick his a&* to the curb if you want. Only you know what's right. Let Allah guide you, and don't feel pressure to make a change because the world is telling you you're a wimp if you don't.
12:56 PM
OK I read this entry and I wanted to comment. I apologize but unlike Musulmana I don't stop by everyday, but be happy of all the blogs that I want to read and don't when I do force some time I read yours first. I broke my rule and read some of the comments first, but I had to stop halfway through.
First of all peeps divorce has been hailed on this sister probably since the beginning of her blog. I have not judged because everyone has to reach the decision to change their life on their own.
Dearest Safa you can make it. You have your family, and your friends here to help you. Whatever you decide to do will ultimately be successful. You must look at your life and see what lessons that Allah wants you to learn and then master them and move on.
I can't read all of your posts I'm way too far behind. You blog everyday like a page and a half and if you are more than a week behind like myself catching up is a daunting task. If you need anything from me or my wife you know where we are and how to get in contact with us. I'm sure my wife wouldn't mind you staying at my place while I'm gone. You're always welcome, but I only have dial-up so that kind of sucks, but you are free to stay if you want.
I'm sorry that the lessons are so hard for you, but like my wife told another friend who is having a tough time you will keep on getting the lesson until you pass it and are able to move on to the next test.
Peace be with you Safa, We wish you all the best, for you and your family.
5:54 AM
I'm getting so nervous for you as the date approaches. I'm wondering if you're going to wait now because of getting papers for your son. I just want you to know I'm thinking about you all the time and I hope everything turns out ok.
12:10 AM
Today is the day, right? June 9th? *hugs* Good Luck to you Safa...you deserve the best life has to offer.
Love,
xoxo
7:02 AM
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