Solutions are on my plate now......

Well thanks so much Joe King Gas Eyed.......I read up on the 2 titles that you offered....some interesting stuff here.....you remind me very much of a close friend of mine who is always trying to get me to read self help things.....she's a guru of top standing.....

So it is with interest that I read the two titles.....oh sure....I've only skimmed so far....cuz I'm a skimmer and then a reader....tending to focus on the points that I think apply to me, and then read in detail....that's why I've always read so fast. Can u imagine me with the red pen in my mouth while my finger is poised over the paragraphs? LOL....well that is me.....

From the first title...Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In by Roger Fisher and William Ury.....one of the paragraphs that just JUMPED out at me was this one...

"The last class of trick tactics are positional pressure tactics which attempt to structure negotiations so that only one side can make concessions. The tricky side may refuse to negotiate, hoping to use their entry into negotiations as a bargaining chip, or they may open with extreme demands. The principled negotiator should recognize this as a bargaining tactic, and look into their interests in refusing to negotiate. They may escalate their demands for every concession they make. The principled negotiator should explicitly identify this tactic to the participants, and give the parties a chance to consider whether they want to continue negotiations under such conditions. Parties may try to make irrevocable commitments to certain positions, or to make-take-it-or-leave-it offers. The principled party may decline to recognize the commitment or the finality of the offer, instead treating them as proposals or expressed interests."

This is SOOOOO much my hubby. He feels that I should be patient....therefore, I am making the concessions.....he feels that I should try to see things thru his eyes and feel compassion......he feels that I should just pretend that wife # 2 doesn't exist and go on with living my life.....he once lost his temper severely and was about to divorce me for asking for equal rights.....sigh.

So it's with interest that I read this paragraph....and wish that someone could give me scenarios to help me grasp the concept properly about what my role in negotiations will be?

I've narrowed down my fairytale.....which of course, I've known for some time.

Fairytale # 1....Hubby closes up shop in Canada, divorces wife # 2, comes to live in Egypt....we address the problems that led up to our marriage difficulties....he apologizes on one knee.....buys me extravagant gifts for the remainder of his life, begging my forgiveness.....

(HAHA...okay.....after apology everything else is negotiable)

Fairytale # 2.....He realizes that he has to stay in Cda for another 4 yrs because of contract difficulties...We decide that the kids and I should to come to Cda and continue those 4 yrs together in one country....wife # 2 would prolly blow a gasket and leave on her own accord....or stay for awhile....but at that point...I may not even care anymore.....

Okay...so there's my two fairytales.....

Here are my needs....

#1....no more polygyny....

#2...living together in one country

I think that's basic needs. I don't need more than that. Let me explain... the reason for no more polygyny is that I've been so emotionally scarred by my experiences that I don't think I could fairly continue in this relationship if P is the only option. It's like this burning cold in the pit of my stomach that just hurts me when I think of it. I've been betrayed and lied to..... and as much as I'd like to salvage my relationship..... I don't think I can unless those 2 basic needs are met. Otherwise, I sacrifice my deen and turn into this other person who is mean and bitter.... I feel this person lurking on the surface.

Living together in one country is for me as much as its for the kids. They need their father.....its already become very precarious.....my 9 yr old talks to me and calls her father the Master Joker because he married another woman and didn't tell us. She says that he only loves us sometimes instead of all the time. This attitude scares me.....and I do my best to stop it.....yet it is burning inside her. My 12 yr old cries when she is alone....she loves her father dearly and has the purest soul of all my girls. Very religious and spiritual.....but hurt and confused. I pray Allah to protect her. And the 14 yr old? She's lost. She pretends to enjoy her fathers company.....she pretends to be happy when he looks towards her.....but she's tired of his empty promises and feels the most loyalty towards me. When I try to make her understand some of her fathers' positions she just blows them off.....her father is not her hero anymore.

So anyways....those are my two needs. I wonder what this phone call will be like on June 9th? And yes....in some ways I'm really not ready to leave this man that I love.....subhanAllah......but it is time for Safa to make a stand for herself, for her children. And as much as the heart loves...the brain has to think.

Love without compromise is not a solution. So I'm looking for solutions....and have until June 9th to think about it now. Baby is here...my body has done it's part......so solutions are what's on my plate now......