I laid in your shadow.......and it scared me......

When I was 13 yrs old something very big happened in my life. And it affected me for years to come......it affects me even now.

A woman who was fed up with life tried to commit suicide. She jumped off her 7th floor balcony, hoping to die. She jumped to the beautiful grassy hill below, flowers planted around in a border......and hoped for death. It didn't work that way because the grass had been watered just the day before. Rather than hit hard ground.....she hit somewhat spongy. The balcony of my parents apt was in the same line as hers, but we were on the 2nd floor. I'm sure I must have seen her before.

She didn't die...I said that right? Nope.....but she broke tons of her bones, even the bones in her fingers.....and she bit off half her tongue. It was gruesome. I remember hearing the thud but having no idea what it was.....only learning later when the ambulance sirens alerted me that something was going on.

I thought about this woman the entire rest of the day and night. What could be so awful that you'd want to kill yourself? I thought a lot about it.....and then I thought about suicide. Should I ever want to kill myself...you know what I realized my greatest fear would be?

Not succeeding.

I'd be terrified to just hurt myself really bad and spend months in hospital....then years limping....speaking with only half a tongue....oh that would be much worse. Remember in the movie Castaway? Didn't Tom Hanks throw the human shaped log over the cliff first to see if it could support his weight? Yes, I think getting hurt bad just wouldnt' be worth it.

So weirdo girl that I was......the next day....just before the sun was completely set.....I went downstairs and stood on that grassy hill. I looked at the imprint that was in the ground.....the contours of this woman's body was dented far down in the seemingly peaceful, beautiful hill. And in a sort of trance, I walked over and laid down in it. The groove fit my body perfectly......

I thought of myself lying there.....broken body, half a tongue.....ambulance siren blaring to take me away.....a life of pain and hurt for a moments decision. This would never be me....no matter how well i fit into this groove. I got up and went back home.....and had nightmares for weeks afterwards about lying in someone elses coffin. Oh yes....I was a thinker early in life......maybe somewhat gruesome as well.

Why am I telling you this? Well, maybe just to say, that no matter how well anyone of you fit into my groove....that really.....we all stand alone and have to do for ourselves. So here I am.....doing for me.

~~~~~

Hubby is gone.....he left last night......spoke a little about his life.....nothing really interesting.....but a few points caught my eye. Namely that before his visit, he told MM that I was about to have a baby. Can't say I'm too comfortable with that.

And here I am.....reading thru HA's archives....and you know what I find? That June 6th is a known date to her. That's when she asked the sheikh to grant her a divorce between her and her hubby. SubhanAllah! And here I am going for June 6th as well....is it a Polygyny thing? So then I backtracked about my date and realized that birth plus 40 days is June 9th...not 6th. So I'm going to let things go till the 9th.....it seems better for me.

The visit went well.....I was taken care of....I was spoiled....I was loved......should this be the end......it was wonderful.......

Alhamdulillah...