Of hormones, tears and.......sorrow......

Have you ever wondered at the greatness of Allah's creations? Ever looked at a particular thing and said....

SubhanAllah?

I'm sure you have. From fingerprints to snowflakes to DNA......

and to trees?

Why do I say trees? Well, because that's what I have on my mind at the moment. The great vast creation of Allah' trees! Say SUBHANALLAH!

SubhanAllah.

I was reading a comment from my recent posts....and the commenter was speaking about the winds of change and the whispering of the trees......something that my own mother has told me many times, being of native indian descent. My mom is big on the legends.....and as a small child.....I was big on the whispering of the trees.

We used to go hiking every weekend at Rattlesnake point.....walking all the way following the Bruce Trail to Crawford Lake. A huge trip indeed, following nothing but memory and if you are lucky.....a blue spray painted tree. The paths back then weren't as well worn as they are today.....and neither were they covered with wood chips. It was part of my Mom's idea of getting back to nature.

As the path became more and more ingrained in my mind....I used to lead the way....sometimes hiding up trees, or hiding in caves.....scared of snakes? Who me? NEVER! Some of the more beautiful parts of our day hike included having lunch in the pine forest.....sitting on beds of pine needles that have probably lain there for years.....the smell of the pine and the shady glory away from the sun oftentimes lulled us all into sleep. Honestly, we needed to regenerate before we reached the next point in our trip....the bog.

The bog was this thick, smelly, muddy swamp that had nothing but stray logs thrown here and there to balance upon to cross. One wrong move and you might sink ur foot into it......Allah knows how deep this bog was......my father once fell in with one foot.....he didn't touch bottom....and brought his leg up missing a shoe. HAHA! He ended up throwing the other one inside as well.

After the bog, we'd come to a river with a cute stepping stone bridge across. That's where we'd wash up from the bog.....and pray that the millions of mosquitos that had fed on us in the bog would leave us now. The cleanest, coldest water I've ever enjoyed.

Oh I could reminisce about the beauty of those days.....prolly bring you all along with me......but I have a topic here this time......and it's the trees. So let me get back on point.............

The creations of Allah are as great and varied as you can never imagine. And my thoughts this morning, are directed at trees. Can you do something for me? Think of all the trees that you know? Which one is more like you? Don't laugh...I'm really serious......let me tell you which tree I am.

I am the Weeping Willow.

Adequately named.

Tall and strong of trunk, yet heavy with the weight it bears.

Majestic and grand, yet laden.

I AM the Weeping Willow.

~~~~~~~

My hormones are out of whack. It's to be expected. This last month has been exhausting. And now that I've accomplished what was needed for me to move on a step......I look at the path before me and am in awe. Even though its been a week since precious baby has come into my life.....it's been one of total concentration on baby and me. I have been taking Abdurrahman to the hospital twice daily for needles....I've been up all night with him to breastfeed......I've been giving him meds at home. The fever that racked my body the day before delivery attacked his little organs....alhamdullilah he came out in time. I've been feeling mad at my body! Why couldn't you carry this baby well? Why did you turn on the baby at the last moment? WHY BODY? WHY? And then yesterday as precious baby took his last needle.....and the DR was to pronounce him of good health.....she instead said another word. Jaundice. She wanted to take him from me for two days to put back in the incubator.

I sat there in front of the DR, thinking how my happiness had been stolen yet again, and now they want to take baby and put him back in the incubator.....and I cried. I cried in front of the DR, my husband, my precious baby.......... I cried so hard, that even the DR became concerned. She called me personally that same evening at 10 pm. She gave me meds instead of taking the baby. She told me lets try this for a few days.....put the baby in the sun....give him his meds....let him breastfeed...... Allah knows I've been doing it all properly....but the sun? The sun? It's been two days of horrible weather...grey skies....blowing wind......and no sun.

And this morning I stood at 4:30 AM.....waiting for the fajr. Precious baby sleeping in his crib.....I woke hubby to go to the masjid......and he left......and I? I? I, the Weeping Willow stood.....grand and majestic on the balcony and watched the rising of the sun.....not able to pray.....but made many dua......asking Allah to send the healing sun to me today.

And yet.......even still........the grey skies and blowing wind greeted me. Precious baby started to cry from his crib.......and I slowly made my way to him.......no sun for him today.....no sun for me. No sun for me, the weeping willow......hanging low with the great weight that I bear.

So start the tears.

~~~~~

Alhamdulillah. First and foremost.....lets say alhamdulillah. I'm happy. Happy with the bounties that Allah has given me.....even happy with what Allah has witheld. I'm happy that Allah has tested me in many ways....and still I am standing. Oh sure, bent over with the weight....but standing still. I've been blessed.

So it's with sorrow that I watch as Father bonds with baby. It's with sorrow that when precious baby takes his needle, that father walks away, unable to hear his son crying yet again. And still I stand. It's with sorrow that I look at everything that on the outside seems so good....so together.....so real......and inside my mind...call it what it really is.

It's a time of letting go for me. In a short time, I shall make my demands.......I shall ask hubby for my dues....and I'll take another step upon this path that I've laid. I've detached to the point that emotions come out of me......but they don't sting me anymore. I'm not talking, I'm not complaining.....I'm just....living. Breathing.

I want to say....SHAME ON ME! How can you want more? SHAME ON ME! How can you step outside and ask about RIGHTS? Can't you just pretend that nothing else exists beyond this little world that you have right now? Can't YOU?

Ahhhhhhhhhhh.

No. I can't.

So here I am, Weeping Willow. Listening to the whisper of the wind.....blowing thru the trees. And my heart is soaring. It is. Joy, sorrow, love.....all mixed up in one..........

So start the tears.

~~~~~~

So which tree are you? Have you decided? Share it with me, okay? And I'll promise to give you a story of Rattlesnake point.....I owe you all that. I'd love to bring you along the trail with me.....from the pine forest to the stairway to heaven....to Crawford Lake.......I'll bring you there....insha Allah. We've been thru a long journey, friends. And just as I stood today waiting for the sun.....I also stand waiting for the end.......it's close. So very, very close.......and as I sit and think about it.......

.....so start the tears......