I have a date now.....
June 6th will be the day that I call my husband and ask him what his "plans" are for me and his family. Does he "plan" on being a full time father?
Does he "plan" on keeping two wives?
Does he "plan" on me staying in Egypt with 5 kids?
Does he "plan" on eventually being fair?
Does he? Does he? Does he?
Well, there are so many q's that I need to ask him.....and basically just one thing that I need to tell him.
I'm not doing it anymore.
I need solutions....I need answers.....I need a marriage that is based on BOTH of our needs.
If he can't find that solution. Then it leaves it up to me.
Its with sadness that I trudge these last few steps down this really, really long road that I've been on. And at the same time....I feel some relief that the path is beginning to show itself more clearly.
It's possible that I'm suffering from a little post partum depression....I've felt the tears hot near the surface a lot these last couple of days. I'm trying to keep on top of it.
~~~~
Thanks so much for the well wishes everyone. Hubby is leaving on Sunday......so soon....so soon. It's been bittersweet....it has. It really has. I wished this time didn't have to end.
posted by Safa at 9:47 AM
28 Comments:
I will do dua that things work out for the best for you iA.
11:03 AM
I'm sure this time has been very bittersweet for everyone. For the first time in a long time, you and your children to got experience a complete family, all the while knowing it was going to end so soon. I will make dua that everything works out for best, insha Allah. Be strong, Safa. Lots of love to you and your girls.
By the way, Abdurrahman is one cutie, man. Masha Allah!
12:10 PM
Subhanallah Safa, you give me courage and I think of you when I think of tawaakal and strength.
Always hold tight to relying only on Allah!
May Allah be with you in whatever plan He swt has for you!
12:42 PM
Salaam, My lovely lady.....I wonder though with this deadline what if he has no plans then what? I mean I know you and everyone who reads your blog wants him to come home and everything be good again but what if its not. I am just the what if fairy today and I got lots more what ifs but I will save it for msn.....I love you.....P.S. Remind me to tell you about my gene mutation to add to the multiple other things wrong with my blood....
2:29 PM
Asalaam alaikum,
MashAllah what a beautiful little boy!! He's so kissable!!! :)
You're so strong, Safa. If I could ask you a question...why are you waiting until June 6 to ask him what his plans are? Maybe you explained it already...? It wouldn't be better to talk to him face to face?
These men are just too much! Allah is great, with patience,inshallah, we women will make it thru, but why is it that we are the ones who contiually must be patient? Can you imagine if we gave these men one ounce of the grief they give us?? I have my own issues w/ my DH, and alhamdulilah most of the time I can bear it. But once in a while, I get so tired of having to put a smile on my face and let things go...just so unfair to us and the children. Inshallah we will reap great rewards...
one being our sweet, wonderful children, alhamdulilah!
Aisha
2:50 PM
Assalamu Aleikum wa rahmatulahi wa Barakatuhu,
AR is adorable, masha'Allah.
I hate to bring this up, but what was your husband's reason for leaving so soon?
In the words of a Florida Highway Patrol officer that once pulled over a friend of mine who was speeding in his red camaro: "Whar's the fire son?" LOL!
Sheesh, your hubby was outta there quick.
Alhamdullilah for your beautiful kids.
5:02 PM
I'm so proud of you for speaking out for your needs! mashallah, mashallah, mashallah.
I hope you feel strength from allah and comfort.
and that the way gets easier for you.
Sarah
5:26 PM
A gorgeous boy, that is, Safa. Do take care w/ the hormonal imbalance. Make sure your decisions are as free of those pesky hormones as they possibly can be.
5:41 PM
I truly am so sorry for your pain. My sentiment for your so called husband, I'll just reframe for now. Stand firm and know your are making the right decision for you and the kids.
Amirah
8:41 PM
Assalamu ALaikum!
He's leaving ALREADY?? Sheesh, time flies....REALLY!
Anyway, may Allah guide towards what is best for you and your beautiful children! INSHA'ALLAH!
4:46 AM
Gotta love the "what if" fairy! I always thought u were a fairy, btw...MUAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! My deadline has come sweetie...I'm not going to take him being unfair to me anymore....I want to be treated as a wife of equal standing....I want solutions.....or I find my own. That is that.
Aisha: I'm not talking to him face to face at this time, because I can't follow thru with anything that I say. I'm still unclean...hence I can't ask for a divorce, I can't come to Cda until after June 6th cuz the kids are still in exams.....so what is the point of making threats now? I can't follow thru. Like an observant commentor once told me.....my idle threats are as bad as hubby's empty promises. So this time, I have to do it right.
Musulmana....Hubby has a court case that he has to attend, so he's leaving just one day before the case.....it really wasn't in his hands this time.....
Princess.....SubhanAllah....I was looking at the baby bed and remembering it empty....
8:36 AM
Safa, I know that you are feeling so conflicted, but I am so proud of you. To ask him to do what is right for you and your family, to ask him to be a man and a father...that is what HE should of done without any questions YEARS ago. So don't be sad, feel empowered. After all, you have been raising a family of four all by yourself. What is semantics, to say that you are married is just to say it at this point, as you are doing this without a husband. Pretend to feel strong, and the strength will come to you. If anything, you would not want your daughters to stay in a situation like this, no? We are ALL pulling for you!
9:54 AM
Safa,
I've been off the blog world for abit, so i missed this. Congratulations on your baby boy! I hope everything works out for the best with your hubby.
2:36 PM
Glad you announced your date here, so we'd all pray for you on that day.
Beautifully cute picture... may Allah protect you all, the 6 of you, and choose what is best for you with ur husband.
5:11 AM
May Allah help u and ur husband to take the best descision and see what's best for ur kids...
It'll be hard but I hope everything clears up in the very near future enshaa Allah...
6:57 AM
assalam alaikum, sounds good, but... What if you get divorced? Give up your kids? Or never get married again? Have money problems? He sure will do his best to make your life miserable from what you told us about him. And some of the things you told us he did when he came to 'visit', well, they sound like you are better of with him being away most of the time!
11:10 AM
Assalamu Aleikum wa Rahmatulahi wa Barakatuhu,
Safa, I was wondering when you were gonna put PM's world over to p-survivors. How do you distinguish between the blogs that you read that belong in p-closet buddies, and p-survivors? Just curious.
9:57 PM
Having gone through two divorces myself (where I fault no one nor have ill feelings), I can feel for you. It's unfortunate that you don't have top quality marriage counselors to mediate and intervene properly since you do not have a representative from your side of the family. What I can see from afar is the final stage of something that has been simmering for so long and unwisely kept underneath for good intentions but bad consequences.
What I would advise is that you do not reach an ultimatum under such emotional conditions. You lived so long together and had so much between you that it's not fair to you, let alone to him, to suddenly start demanding actions at short notice. Yes, you have a right to ask for what you're asking for; and hopefully you will end up getting it and much more. But you badly need a moderator unless you're really good (and lucky) where you can pull it off alone.
I would strongly recommend that you read these two books before you do anything:
"Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving" In by Roger Fisher
and
"Six Pillars of Self-Esteem" by Nathaniel Branden
You owe it yourself and to your kids not to be hasty. Once these things start, there's no way to control the process. So it pays to plan very smart in advance. We are all praying for you.
11:07 PM
Muslima......the "what if" fairy strikes again.....sigh....I have no idea....it's up to Allah.....
Musulmana.....P closet ppl move over to P survivors when they are out of their "P" relationships....
Joe King......nice to see u here......tks for the advice, will look into it!
5:34 AM
Mabrook, Safa...Mashallah, your baby boy looks so peaceful in this picture!
My advice concerning your predicament...be selfish this time, Safa. You deserve better than what you've been getting in terms of marriage.
7:23 AM
Isn't PM already out of her P relationship? I think ORAU is.
9:14 AM
AsSalaamu A'laikum Safa,
First of all Mabruk on such a beautiful baby boy. I'm sorry that I'm a little late with the congratulations. Slowly getting back into my blogging routine. I will be here all year if I try to catch-up with what is going on with you, but it seems that very little has changed. I'm sorry to hear that. Insha Allah all will work out well for you. I have faith that it will all pan out. Just stay focused and whatever happens don't stop praying.
Fi AmmaniLLah
9:56 PM
ORAU has been out of her P marriage once before...but hubby went back and remarried the Napster....this is his 2nd divorce from the CW....and ORAU says she's not holding her breath.....so I'm not going to be changing her over yet.
As far as I know, PM is not out of her marriage as of yet.
What's your deal, Musulmana? Are you in a p marriage?
4:41 AM
Assalamu Aleikum wa Rahmatulahi wa Barakatuhu,
LOL!
No, habibti, actually UmmAbdurRahman from pagesofimagination knows me personally. She knows me pretty well.
I have struggles with understanding polygyny ever since I found out that I had a friend who was a "closet polygamist", namely UmmAburRahman was and didn't tell me b/c she knew I wouldn't understand. That made me sad b/c it's true, I'm a pretty judgmental person and I struggle to be understanding and not to meddle in my friend's lives. So I have tried since that day (a few years now), through her blog and now yours to figure out WHY IN THE WORLD YOU STAY! Ha ha.
Ther have been times after I found out about UmmAR that all I did was ask her about it. I was mad, actually. I didn't know why she stayed married to him. I had to eventually stop when she got pregnant with AR because I figured she shouldn't leave him know that she was having a baby with him. So I zipped it. But it still comes up sometimes. You know like if you have a friend who has been to jail or something and you know it's not polite to ask, but you just can't help but wondering what in the world her life must have been like?
I try to always to the "Islamic viewpoint". It is the correct viewpoint, I know, but even after all this time, I still don't get it. It was one of the things kept me from reverting sooner. I realized that it didn't affect me anyway and that Islam was the right religion.
I know about 3 ladies before UmmAbdurRahman who were in a polygynous relationship, but if they asked me for advice, they knew what it would be. UmmAbdurRahman never asked for advice. I still gave it to her. Actually 2 of the three other sisters did come to me for advice and I bit my tongue and I said, "it is halal to divorce, but it is not halal to throw breakable things at your husband". LOL. Needless to say those 3 marriages all ended up in divorce and I only talk to one of those sisters (she's in her 50s). We are not as close as she'd like, but I can only do so much.
I think it did affect my friendship with UmmAbdurRahman, as much as I love her, I will never truly "get her". But I think she knows I am trying to grow as a person by getting to see that you guys are "normal" and not just freaks. LOL
But you want to know a secret? Even though it has never been an issue in my marriage, even though he spends many hours studying and working, he spends time with me and the children and has been an excellent husband. The p- blogs made me realize that I was not a great wife. I took a lot of great things he does for me on a day to day basis for granted. I realized that I was blessed and I should be a better wife. But I lost a lot of weight, started dressing up and wearing makeup again, and well, I even quit my job in order to focus on being a less selfish person and worry about what I want all the time.
How did I get into confession mode? Safa, 'cuz you are so cute and honest and down to earth.
Also, some of the blogs I frequent are all from people I know personally: nzinghas.blogspot, izzymo.wordpress, and yearningforjennah.wordpress. Of all of them, Nzingha and I were the "tightest".
Oh, and I actually thought that PM was divorced and that ORAU was not in a polygynous marriage anymore. Are you sure you are not the one whose "holding your breathe" for things to turn out all fairy-tale for them?
6:14 AM
the last comment was from me
6:15 AM
Safa - as I read your blog I feel your pain - and as I read the comments I wonder. But know this - beyond any shadow of doubt - God/Allah is always with you and that with His help all is possible. You are a very strong woman who has had to deal with a lot and you have maintained your dignity and the inner core that makes you you. I think you need to make it very clear to your husband where you stand and what your needs are and that you will no longer 'wait' - patience is a wonderful virtue but when it continues to drag on without resolution it is unacceptable. Your children deserve/need to have their father in their lives, I have seen firsthand how much damage is done when daddy is away too much - from my husband's children. Take care of yourself and that precious new spirit - and of course your wonderful daughters. Love you, Maureen
8:23 AM
tks for the great comment musulmana.....great to see you talking so much! I talk to PM and ORAU personally....so I know they both aren't out of their relationships.....and neither do I think that there will be a fairytale ending......
Tks so much Egianqueen.....u've been a great friend and source of support....a true joy to talk to on the phone with and bitch to my hearts content....love you lots!
1:34 AM
LOL! I am not holding my breath for a fairytale ending either Safa! In fact, as you know, I am quite ambivalent about marriage right now - but nonetheless living MY own life. Marriage -- at least my own -- just seems less and less important lately. I have a lot going on with my family that needs my attention more than the man I married.
I have been thinking about blogging about it and may have to now that I am a topic of coversation on others' blogs ;-)))
Love you both (Mus and Safa),
PM
4:48 PM
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