To my son....

Assalaamu alaikum, Precious Baby.......




It's been a whirlwind 9 mos, don't u think? Somehow the time passed as my body nurtured you into a newborn. Well, my body didn't do it's best with you....I'm sorry about that. What I had control over, I really worked at. Who could have thought I'd get diabetes this time around? In the hopes of having a healthy baby, I took care of the diabetes to the best of my ability.....I messed up a few times.....but I did a good job considering.


The swelling was hard to deal with.....I guess I was more swollen because I was carrying something I'd never carried before....a boy. LOL....that little extra piece made all the difference and it showed on me. LOL!!



Baby, I wanted to tell you something....you are loved. You came to me in a time in my life that wasn't what I wished for you. I can't tell you how many things I pushed away from me so that I could just concentrate on being a good mother to you. Even when you were in my belly. Alhamdulillah.


When the DR told me that I'd be having a c section, I was scared. I've never done that before. But just knowing that soon enough it would be over and I'd be holding u......I was brave. When they called me to come to the operating room, I walked over slowly but with firm steps. I could do this. For you, I could do it. When they were beginning the operation, I closed my eyes and recited many surahs....I said all the small ones, I said part of surah an Nisaa....I said the first couple of pages of surah al Bakarah, I said the 99 names of Allah......wanting the first thing you heard in this world to be of Quran and Islam.


But then something happened......they had trouble pulling u out.....and the DR was pulling and another DR was pushing my stomach....I got scared again....and I said...YA ALLAH!.....finally they pulled you out.....and I saw your leg....and then all went black. The OB/GYN DR told the other DR to put me asleep....something wasn't right.


When I came to...they were sewing me up.....and I asked for you....where's my baby? They brought you over and I kissed you. I passed out....and prolly woke up 2 mins later....but I asked them for you again. I kissed you again.....oh how my arms hurt that I wanted to hold u immediately. But....I passed out again. When I woke up yet again....they were almost done with me......and I could hear this strange sound.....I asked the DR's...what's that noise? They told me it was u breathing......I became alarmed.....but sigh...I passed out again.


When I finally woke up, not completely,
I found myself in my room...
hubby was there.....
he calmy told me...
"Safa...the baby's lungs aren't completely open and he's having trouble breathing.
We have to put him in an incubator....
we are going to take him to a better hospital.....
I'll be back soon"


And your father kissed me.



I didn't cry. I asked Allah to make you well......and silently was mad at my body for not being good enough to you. I didn't hold you. OH! When that thought hit my brain....I panicked....I DIDN'T HOLD THE BABY? WHAT IF? WHAT IF? OH NO! I cried inside myself, the pain medicine still having so much control over my body.....I laid in that bed for 6 hours....my stomach aching at losing you, my arms aching for not holding you...and my brain thinking and thinking......


Until finally I came to some conclusion........I thought.....


Is this what it was like for the mother of Musa? What must she have felt as she put her son....her precious little son into that basket? And then she pushed that same basket out to the sea....THE SEA! My Precious Baby is just in another hospital...in an incubator......his own little basket.....his own little sea.......oh so far from me. Is this what it was like for her? I wondered if she collapsed on the shore after she pushed him off? I wondered about the pain in her heart.....it must be so much greater than mine......


And then I thought....how Allah granted her so much pleasure afterwards. How Musa would not breastfeed from any woman. Until finally they brought Um Musa to the palace.....and he nursed from her. How did she feel at that moment. She gave her son up to Allah, and Allah sent him back. At least her son had life. Was the joy in her heart at that moment, greater than the sorrow had been? Will I feel this joy when I go take my son from the incubator?


Ohhhhh......how this made me feel better, my son. Thinking about others pain and putting my own aside.



Soon enough, we got you from the other hospital......masha Allah! My arms cried out with joy.....my arms will tell Allah of this joy on the day of judgement, insha Allah.



Since you've been home.....ur father has been amazed by you. He carries you, he just stares at you.....he loves you. He's doing his best right now to come back to you.....to all of us.....but I really think that you have a lot to do with this. As they say here in Arabic....wishik feeha barakah. (Your face has blessings)



When we finally arrived home with you...I sat in the car and didn't want to open the door. I gave you to your father and said... "announce your child as a muslim, make the adhan in his ears." Your father was a little flustered... "right here? Right now?" he asked me.




I made him do it at that moment, the thought of you lying in that incubater for 3 days....
and no one having said adhan in your ears pained me. Your father said the adhan to you right there in the car.





I've been praying again.....alhamdulillah.......and been making many dua to Allah. I'd love for you to be raised in a family of two parents.....for you to feel that sense of belonging and comfort in your young age. And I'm really hoping that is what Allah has in store for you. If it is otherwise....I may have to ask you to be our "little man" much sooner than I wanted to. But you will be up to it, my precious. You have your father's blood in you......and he always managed to do his best.


So I'm worried about this "otherwise". And I don't want you to ever blame me. I want you to know.....that I'm making decisions for you and your sisters to the best of my ability. I pray that one day you won't blame me for anything. All I'm asking for in my life is the rights given to me by Allah. It's basic, habibee. I'm not asking for much.


So insha Allah, I want you to just focus on getting bigger....growing stronger......and I'll worry about other things.


It's with joy that I watch you growing.....and with that same joy that I hug you and hold you close to me. I'm sorry if I hug you a little too hard and maybe even a little too long. Sometimes I think I really don't want to let go. All too soon, you'll be the one to pull away first......and I don't want my arms to ache for you anymore.......I just love you so much.


May Allah guide you to the right path....
May Allah make you a strong muslim....
May Allah make you strong in righteousness....
May Allah grant you a complete family....
May Allah protect you.....


Ameen, ameen, ameen, ameen........ameen.



Your Loving Mother,


Safa