Winds of change......
Something interesting has happened. The winds of change have taken a direction of their own. Without specific details on the entire conversation....hubby called me 2 days ago and told me that he's going to...."clean up his mess and head back home ASAP!" It's the first time for him to tell me that.
It was quite interesting when he started talking.....he was happy......he was talking about coming home to us.......and it was contagious.
Of course I've got those licks of doubt....how can I not have them? I'm thinking to myself.....taking a YEAR to clean up his mess doesn't count, if that's what it's gonna take! I'm thinking......just another story from him....maybe he feels the finality of my character?
Do you think he feels it? I think so. This is the second visit that I haven't spoken about any of our problems. I've just let him come and go and not made any demands......no questions. I've given that up until a time when I am physically able to make them. June 9th.
SubhanAllah.
You know what? Isn't it great that when you think you have a plan.....that Allah has a greater one? Just like me getting pregnant. Oh, don't get me wrong......I was so happy for the baby.....but such horrible timing. I was thinking of leaving and then little fetus in my tummy told me that I had to stay. 9 mos longer than I was planning......and since little baby would make his arrival just at the threshold of school exams for the girls.....I would have to stay for that as well. Oh....but the big thing is....birth + 40 days is 3 days AFTER my girls finish their exams. Go figure. After that, we are all completely free. SubhanAllah.
So anyways......I'm still on track. June 9th, no matter what Hubby comes up with. I need to ask / demand my rights and then let things move on from there. Oh sure....I have this little light of hope that has me wishing that somehow Hubby will come to his senses. He really seems to be on that path now. Or at least.....HE THINKS he is.
But here is what I want to ask of you.......for those of you who have been hubby hating.......could you please make dua for him instead? I know he's in a situation of his own creation and deserves whatever comes his way.....but at the same time.....I want you all to realize....we all make mistakes. This time, he really screwed up. But after 20 days of being a loving husband and now going back to Cda and planning to pack up and come back to us....just possibly....he's getting himself together. I mean.....isn't it a possibility?
So just until June 9th....will you all include him in your dua? June 9th is the deadline....but maybe with your dua something could change? He was always a good husband before this all started......
I'm counting on you guys......
posted by Safa at 1:01 AM
18 Comments:
Habibty Safa,
You're such a sweetheart, masha'Allah. I'll be making du'a for your hubby to get back to his senses and pray that Allah fixes this whole thing up.
You and the girls deserve the best, little Adburrahman too, of course. You need him with you and insha'Allah he'll get back to his senses. YA RAB :)
Love you all fi Allah
N.
2:17 AM
InshaAllah...for what its worth, i'll pray for you with all my heart.
4:23 AM
Salam alaikoum
You know what this reminds me of`? My mother has this saying, she says that men can smell it when you are done with them, and that's when they start to fly right. Allahou alim but I honestly think your husband "smelled it." Incha Allah I will make dua for him. You are right. You are a smart and strong woman, you wouldn't have stayed 15 years if he was always horrible, so I believe you when you say he was good before.
5:48 AM
Mashallah! My duas are with you and for your hubby. Inshallah, everything will happen for the best. inshallah!
6:01 AM
Assalamu Aleikum wa Rahmatulahi wa Barakatuhu,
Dear Safa,
Once on another blog a sister was surprised at the state of some sisters marriages as she had just stumbled across a polygyny blog. I remember commenting about it on her post. I said something to the effect of: no matter how much nassiha you give to somebody, they will see things differently. Unless people aren't open to suggestions and change in their heart, no amount of nassiha will make them see what we see.
So I say to you Safa, it seems on this journey of yours, you have always believed in the fairy-tale. It doesn't matter what we think. In your heart, everything will be okay. You want to forgive your husband, you want him. It's part of who you are, it will be part of you no matter what we say.
We are all different and whereas many of us who read your blog wouldn't still be in your marriage, you are. And you are the one that's married to him.
I say at this point, yes, duas are always good. But I am confused as to dua for what? Clarity for you? Amnesia for you? No, the dua is for everyone to behave as best pleases Allah (SWT). That is the only possible dua to make. We can't make dua for him to leave his other wife. And we can't make dua to make it all go away and you'll wake up and these last two years were a bad nightmare that didn't exist.
The only possible dua is that you all behave in a manner pleasing to Allah(SWT). Isn't that what you've been doing all along? Perhaps Allah (SWT) is rewarding you for your patience.
Forget about us "meanies". Those of us who couldn't live with a man who's betrayed us even if he begs for forgiveness now. You are not us. You are you and Alhamdulillah for that!
You cannot leave this man. It is obvious. So, you need to start working on accepting him the way he is now, not the way he used to be, because that's not a fairy-tale, that's Science Fiction!
All the best to you, insha'Allah.
6:30 AM
May Allah send the winds of gusting through Canada and then blow them all the way to Egypt when they will settle down like a gentle breeze. Ameen.
7:33 AM
Assalamu Alaiakum sister, you all have my duas including your husband.
7:41 AM
assalaamalikum safa,
subhan allah!what can I say.I dont hate your hubby.Who am I to judge?We are all human and we all make mistakes.And Allah has a greater plan for you both and the kids. Subhan Allah! Insha allah he will return to you and your kids.You can count on me Safa,you and your kids are in dua.Insha allah it helps.
7:57 AM
Will make dua, insha Allah. Just wondering, when June 9th comes and you make the phone call, are you going to give him a time limit? Like if he says, "Insha Allah, I will divorce her, and I will come to Egypt and be with you and the girls" are you going to impose a time limit for how long you are willing to wait? I'm just concerned that he'll make this promise but there will be no definite time frame put into place for it to happen and then things drag out for another year....or two...Perhaps you mentioned this in a previous post, but I missed it.
But insha Allah, I do pray that this rough patch in your marriage ends soon and a solution is found that will make everyone happy. Ameen!
8:48 AM
safa, that is such a beautiful sentiment. yes, you are right. we can say how we feel about anything in the world, but we should always remember to include the people we view negatively in our duas...prayer is what has the power to change situations. thank you for that reminder!
10:11 AM
CNCZ.....maybe your mom was on to something.......I'm sure if I'm giving off any scent, it's the scent of finality.
Musulmana.....believe me...many times I weigh your comments and really think about not publishing them......I keep them to myself because I sure don't want another comment war......I have to admit tho, that I like the way you always seem to take the "other path" with ur comments.
Yes, I have always believed in the fairytale.....it's me. And it's not wrong. Dua's for what? How about Allah's promise of Ease after suffering......that's not much to ask for......I wouldn't want you all to ask for anything haraam.
I'm not sure if your telling me I can't leave hubby is a form of reverse psychology......but to say that I'm gonna stay a partner in an unfair P marriage is just as ridiculous to me.....
Shabana...I'm not sure how the phone call will go on June 9th. I've been thinking about how it's gonna go. I figure that hubby is gonna tell me that he's on his way to Egypt and for me to be patient....but I will have to give a time limit.....and he'll flip. I'm prepared for it.
I'm not going to ask him to divorce her....that's haraam. I'm gonna tell him that I don't have the ability to deal with an unfair P marriage anymore....so if it's what he wants...I'm outta the pic. I'd ask him to divorce me, before I'd ask him to divorce her. How would you word the phone call? I'd be interested to know.....
Thanks for all the other comments and dua's.....
12:08 PM
Dear Safa: I've long admired the way you thnk, whether it's a fairy tale or not--who is to say? I think many of us want "happily ever after" so much and try hard to believe in it. Only each of us individually know when it's time to give up and move on. Anyway, my real point of this comment is...I do believe men can tell when we've finally had it. I dont doubt we give off a scent or an aura or an attitude even we might be unaware of, and they know the jig is up. But here's a puzzle now...your husband, of his own accord, called you and gave you this amazing news that he intends to make things right and head back to Egypt asap. Do you think, given that, it's still in your best interests to make that call on June 9? I mean, if you really want him back--and it feels like he will be divorcing the other wife in Canada, do you think it just might ruin things if you make any demands after what he said? I think you yourself said he would flip when you make that call. Might it be a better idea to continue along with your plan, but perhaps postpone it a bit longer just to see what he does on his own with no ulitmatums from you? It would be so wonderful for him to truly realize his mistakes and come back of his own accord, but maybe lowering the boom on June 9 might mess it all up? Just thinking, cuz I sincerely want the best for you. Sorry this was so long.
2:33 PM
Salaam I got something to say but I chnaged my mind about saying it here I will tell you next time I see you on messenger..... .
7:33 PM
safa habibti u know something u r a stranger but i do make du'a for u knowing your story. i have to say that i am in the same boat as musulmana when it comes to viewing your situation. inshallah all khair ya safa. let's see though what actually happens. inshallah khair khair khair.
allahisalamik dear and kisses for your sweetie baby.
11:34 PM
Salaam Alaikum,
I agree that sister Mus' comments are challenging but I deeply respect her honesty and intellect. I also agree with her in this case and I don't think it is reverse psychology when we say we don't think you will leave him. In fact, to be honest, I never thought you would and have tried to say so in a diplomatic way. This is why I have always encouraged you to figure out how to frame your life in a manner you can accept -- including in polygyny (because I think that now that the genie is out of the bottle you will never be able to put it back in and lock it away). The potential of polygyny hangs over all our heads.
I always pray that Allah will do what is best. And I hope you will be hppay with the results.
Love you,
PM
1:57 AM
i don't believe you guys when you say she won't leave him cuz in the heart of hearts she doesn't want to.
In truth, many men have not been good to their women. But some men are so good to their women, that even when they do something like this and unfair in the process, you can still hope ALOT that he'll come back to his senses.
You see many marriages are rought with abuse and what not. From what safa says, there is no phyiscal abuse or shouting or going crazy. Both of them in whatever way seemed to have raised decent kids. This was clearly a good marriage like Safa says.
Allahu'alim what came into the husband's heart. Sometimes I guess money and being away from family etc could flip a person's heart.
I just feel like sometimes some of us can almost root for divorce. Why is that?
Anyway, Safa all the best to you and your hubby. I say don't hold your breathe. ALWAYS MAKE ISTIKHARA. But hope for the best and know your limits and needs. Nobody wants to be destroyed in their imaan, patience and deen through their circumstances.
2:59 PM
Anonymous said...
"i don't believe you guys when you say she won't leave him cuz in the heart of hearts she doesn't want to."
"I just feel like sometimes some of us can almost root for divorce. Why is that?"
huh?
9:37 AM
Anon.
How you got the idea that I am rooting for divorce is beyond me. I have never hoped or expected Safa to divorce and in fact, do not even think polygyny has to signal the end of a marriage. I think that it all depends on what one can live with -- and that is a very personal decision.
Salaam Alaikum.
10:17 AM
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