It still hurts....
I've been thinking about things that have happened since the beginning of my experience with Polygyny......and want to clean out my "closet" so to speak..... So I'm going to list the things that still hurt me like it happened today....moments that cut me..... I wonder if I'll ever get over them? For some of them, it's already been 2 yrs.....
I'll try to keep it in order....
*the first text message....Je t'aime, habibee.
Can I tell you what happened to me when I read this? My stomach fell...I started sweating....I died a mini death....
*when you left to go back to Cda after the message
I was worried....scared.....and placed all my trust in you. You left after a horrible bout of sickness that I now realize must have come to you because of your guilty conscience. This woman who was claiming to love you KNEW that you already had a second wife. I didn't. You got sick...prolly sick from seeing my reaction over this and keeping ur secret.
*you came back to Egypt a month later....and you ran on the balcony to talk on the cell phone...
I knew you were talking to her....I didn't understand what you were doing. Why would you hide? When I asked you about this....u said it was business and I let the issue drop. I let it drop because I believed in you. I never thought you'd hurt me...I thought that you would choose me over her. Especially when at this point....she was nobody....why would you hurt the mother of ur children?
*The phone call on Dec 20th.
Her ex husband called me. Told me filthy things on the phone....he said things like...u think you know ur husband? Too bad you can't see where he parks his car every night! He told me you were married...he told me about Crystal. I died. I never thought you would do this to me.....not once....but you did it twice? After you saw how I reacted? After you knew what sort of life I was living without u? Why would you do that? When did I stop being important? I blame you for what the ex husband said to me. You gave him those tools to work with.
*The realization about some of our shopping
Oh yes...the clothes that you were buying for "business"....the gold...all of it. I realized that I had been picking out stuff for Crystal for awhile.....how could you make me a part of it? You had absolutely NO RESPECT for me....you took advantage of my belief in you.....
*Your first visit after I found out you were married
Your wife sent me vagina wash and you had the nerve to try and give it to me. Do you realize how insulting that was? I sent it back.
*gifts to go home with...first visit
you asked me to help you buy some gifts for your wife....socks, gilbab....and I did. I actually argued with you because you didn't want to buy her matching scarves to go with her new outfits. But you crossed the line when you asked me where we could go to buy her lingerie. You had absolutely no consideration for my feelings. It still hurts me when I think of it.
*when you told the kids
I held them when they cried. I heard what they had to say.....you destroyed my world...and the world of your kids. They don't look at you the same anymore. You've taken something that was Islam and made it the most difficult thing we've ever done in our lives. Deep in their minds...the kids blame me.
*your oldest daughter
She's lost to you. Her mind torments her over your behaviour. For the last two years she's been watching your every move, your every mistake.....and has made a HUGE note over the fact that you aren't handling things islamically.....I fear for you. For what you've taught her.
*The family
Of which no one wants to talk to us anymore.....they just want to talk about us....hoping to get some new info from me all the time.....
* The summer in Cda
I worked so hard to be a good muslimah. I kept a straight face, I advised you well. I gave your wife MY TIME. You owed me time and she couldn't deal with the fact of not seeing you....so I gave her from my time....I did this for you...not for her. And for the fact that I didnt' like the idea of any woman suffering. I did this for Allah. And then she called me on the phone and yelled at me cuz she wanted to talk to you, but I had your cell phone. You didnt deal with this situation......you let her kick me when I was trying to be my best.....this hurts me more.
*phone calls...
Always the phone calls. You have no control over this woman. You let her call all hours....1 am....8 am....it makes no difference. You have never ONCE told her that you can't talk now and will talk to her later. You've let me stand there while you talk away. One time I left you at the store because you talked to her about 3 times in 5 mins. You let me stand there like I was invisible.
*the night out
You took me out in Cda....we were having a good time and went for a walk afterwards. On the drive home, I was thinking sexy nightgown and fun times.....but u stopped all that. In the car you told me that you had to go to your wife. You told me 3 mins before we got home. You killed me with that. You set me up to let me fall. You hurt me so badly....it took all of my strength not to cry the entire night. Do you remember when you parked at the side of the bldg? You turned to me in the car and asked me to kiss you goodbye. I did. I didn't cry. ANd then I did the hardest thing I've ever done in my life....I walked out of your car into the bldg. But it wasn't to be....the bldg door was locked, and you had to come open it for me. Still no tears on me....and you asked me for another kiss....to which I gave you. I trudged up those stairs and went to the kids. They all came running asking for you. WHen I told them you wouldn't be coming home...I'm sure you could have heard the howling from the street. I didn't call you and tell you....I didn't worry you. I held your 12 yr old daughter when she broke down for the first time....big sobbing tears. It killed me. It killed your children.
*The Ex at the mall
Her ex husband saw us at the mall. He followed us around and was trying to talk to me. It scared me and the children. I don't blame him for wanting to talk to me......you know what? I really wanted to talk to him.....but MY KIDS are my priority.....I would never let him the children. YOU GAVE HIM THESE TOOLS.
*back to Egypt
We arrived at the airport and no one was there. You didn't tell your brothers to come pick us up. I sat there for 40 mins with crying children saying that no one loves us. I blame you for this.
*the lipstick shirt
you brought 2 new shirts....they still had the pins in them. You only wore one. The second one, I put it directly into your closet with your other ironed shirts. The day you took the pins out of it to wear it...we found lipstick stains across the bottom. A nice gift from your wife. Then you tell me that I AM THE ONE WHO TOOK IT OUT OF THE BAG AND PUT THE LIPSTICK ON IT! Except you forgot that both the shirts arrived here in Egypt without the bag on them. OOPS! WHat did you do about this?
*The pregnancy test
your wife has her own apt....and when she cleaned...(I think she cleaned although your house was filthy).....she forgot a used pregnancy test behind a new bag of cookies. Cookies that she had bought for us. Your oldest daughter...the one who is scarred most by all of this, is the one who found it. What did you do about this? Did you even talk to your daughter about it? No, you left it to me to hold her when she cried it out.
*SNEAKING
You have been sneaking around for a long time....I know what's going on now....but how could you? Didn't you feel a little bit guilty? You took advantage of me
*LYING
Oh yes....it's not white lies.....you took a part of your deen and you made it suit you. And you lied while doing it. Lied a lot. Lied to my face. You have no shame.
*BETRAYAL
You promised me that you wouldn't marry this woman. You told me that if EVER you were going to marry that you would tell me first. You promised..you swore to Allah. It took you exactly 3 mos to break that. Have you repented to Allah?
*BROKEN PROMISES....so many...so many......how do you believe in someone after all this?
*I can be replaced
yes......those words. You told them to me....and it hurt me worse than you'll ever know.
There are a lot more that are running thru my mind.....maybe I'll make a part II for this. I only have one thing to say about all this....
I DON'T FORGIVE YOU.
posted by Safa at 9:04 AM
19 Comments:
It is hard to forgive and forget. I never understood how anyone could. For me I have forgiven but I will never forget...but who am I kidding he could lie to me everyday for the rest of his life and guess what? I would believe him. Why? because I want to.....Insha'Allah he will read these one day and feel remorse for the things he has put you through...he has ALOT of ass kissing to do.....
10:41 AM
Salam. My heart goes out to you. You have put up with so much, and kept hoping that somehow he will get it and change. Alas! It doesn't seem to be the case.
Although you have suffered so much, the biggest casualties are the children, for he has probably disillusioned them about marriage.
These scars will follow them in life and possibly come up in their own relationships with the opposite sex.
Make Istikhara my sister and make the big decision, unfortunately at this point it comes down to who are you willing to sacrifice? Your happiness & the kids or your husband?
Hopefully, he will realize before it is too late how valuable you and the kids are to him, but I wouldn't hold my breathe.
Hope and faith has got you to this point, it may be time for action, and Allah knows best.
I honestly pray that the bro wakes up and treats you as he should, because you are priceless for having put up with his %^&* up to this point.
Dont wait too long, you may end up bitter and your kids dont need any more scars. Many of us women stay in bad relationships because we think we should do it for the children. Your kids will tell you that they want you to be happy.They have eyes and they see his treatment of you. They have ears and they hear what he says to you and see how you are hurting and cry.As you are right now, you may be considered a single parent for he is almost a stranger who comes in and out of the kids lives and the voice one the other end of the phone.
The time is now inshallah. Make lots of dua and istikhara before you call him up with your decision.All my best wishes.
Am a sucker for good endings and I pray that all this drama and hurt will end on a happy note. But then again reality is another thing ... oh well!
Sameera
11:34 AM
O My Goodness...S, i really don't know what to say to all that. It hurts me to just know what you, my friend, have gone through. Wallahi, you are strong.
May Allah help you cope with all this and find, impossible as it seems now, forgivness in your heart one day. Ameen
Keeping you in my duas.
12:04 PM
you and your children are in my dua's.
Starlight
12:32 PM
ohhhhhhhhhhh safa, reading this kills me inside and i can't imagine this happening to you. the way you write it, man, i feel it. i feel bad for him cuz does he really know???? what the crap??? really, you know, after you make that phone call, give him your blog to read. really. you make your decision, whichever way it is and make him read it. he needs to know. my humble opinion of course but he really needs to see the impact he had on other people's lives, the ones closest to him and see how his actions have helped mold young people and yourself. and especially for these young girls, they probably will never trust a man ever and always be doubting what they say and always thinking that their husband is cheating on them....i feel for them but i hope that they turn to Allah in their lives and that their deen is strong to do that.
i think of you quite often and always checking for updates and hoping good news always. insha'Allah wahtever is best for you will come to you.
4:36 PM
i'm shocked. i think yuv stayed cuz you have kids w/ him. sometimes we think leaving will make the kids happier cuz yu'll be happier(maybe), but thats not necessarily the case. Allah'ualim.
There's all these studies now about children and theyre saying now its better to stay in a bad marriage and fix it than to run away from one relationship to the other and drag your kids with u.
i'm not rooting for divorce, but dang this man needs a seroius beat down. i can't believe you had this many children with this man :-/
burgundy
8:38 PM
As Salaamu Alaikum Safa,
now that you have "cleared your closet" here, have you gone to him with it? All of these things, if you can't say them verbally, write them, print them, give them to him. Mail them to him. He needs to know deep down how you really feel and how your children have suffered. It's one thing for you to go through the up's and down's, but you all have daughters who are scarred and will take this baggage into they're own marriages one day. May Allah grant you and your family ease after all of this hardship. Ameen.
Ashley
9:16 PM
I am going to mail him this list. He has to see it. Believe me when I say....he was an excellent husband before all this P crap.....we were always his first concern......his life revolved around his children.
It's like the distance and the P have screwed everything up. That's why I realize that if there is any hope of saving the marriage.....the first thing that has to be changed is the location.....
And honestly? It's really looking like things aren't going to change anytime soon.....sigh.
I've got just a few days.....
11:08 PM
Wow. Safa, I had a hard time going through that list, despite having read those all before on separate occasions as you blogged them.
Women I know whose husbands have been unfaitful always say "You forgive, but you don't forget." I think every woman must have her own limit. Take care of you, Safa.
12:49 AM
Things WILL change. U can make it change. Allah will will be with u as u try to change it.
Ya Allah, what u wrote was very very painful to read, I cant imagine how it has been for you. It hurts too much.
All ur friends and sisters in Allah are praying for you...
3:17 AM
My heart fell reading this. I remember going through all of this with you in the begining. I remember the pain you were in. You still have that pain. I am sooooo happy you are cleaning your closet.....now honey.it is time to clean up the rest of the house....get it in order and start fresh.
No, I am not saying divorce him. I am saying either work things out so YOU and the KIDs are happy...or let him be......Its your house Safa...... now make it your home...live in it....be happy in it...have peace in it....
I love you
8:58 AM
ya, LLL&I.....you were with me in all that. Jeez. Remember how many times I told u that he wasn't sleeping with Crystal? But that they were just doing other things? Cuz that's what he told me? And u'd keep telling me in your nicest way....I really don't believe that, Safa. AND STILL...I wouldn't believe u? JEEZ! It's gonna be hard letting go of some of this stuff.
But writing it down makes me feel better. It's like I'm giving up this anger so that I can deal with what lies ahead.
9:05 AM
Asalamlaykom Suffering Safa,
I love you.
I don't love what you've gone through, but alhumdulillah! How can I really know how I would love you if you never went through all this? You are who you are BECAUSE of this experience, not in spite of it.
And I will never ask you to forget.
NEVER.
Frankly, you can't forget if you let it fester. Are you? Where are these memories? Are they out now? Or on the surface? Get them out, over and done, Safa. Get the wound cleaned and then you can heal---remember? You had to do that before.
But, don't keep them close to you.
And giving them to him? Why? What will that do? Nothing, really. Pushing the problems on to him? No. I don't agree with this. And I don't agree with the kids being so much a part of the problems either. Sheild them better, OK? They are too much in on your sadness and pain. Own your pain---don't allow them to take it over for you.
And don't give it to the blogworld.
Give this up to ALLAH. Only Allah can heal your pain.
Any other method will fail.
I love you, but I will not coddle you and say, "there-there, poor girl". You are not poor. You are rich in your iman, which has improved from this experience. Say, "Alhumdulillah."
10:37 AM
safa, i want to say this to you and it is very difficult for me. i say it because i don't want it to seem like I am blaming you because I am not.
I am currently(as you may know from my blog) in a situation where I am apart from my husband. We are apart because of situations out of our control. I have seen many women(western women) pack up their kids and move them to their husband's home country "for the sake of the children." what they don't realize is that what's in the best interest of their children is having their family together. to live in the same country, the same state, the same city, the same house as their father. In my opinion, it is better to live in a nonmuslim country with both parents watching them closely and loving and supporting eachother rather than the pain that distance brings.
I think what has happened in your life is definitely the will of Allah, but let us not forget our part that we played in the situation. I'm sure you may have chosen a different path for your family had you known the outcome, but it is too late for that now.
I hope and pray that your family can get back together as soon as possible for the sake of those beautiful children.
11:47 AM
Salaam Alaikum Sister,
I read this last night and didn't feel ready to comment. Now I have had time to think and consider what exactly you have written here. Safa, if you want to stay with your husband I think you HAVE to forgive him. I agree you will not forget, but by not FORGIVING you will have the bitter seeds in your heart and you will not be able to truly regain love and peace in your relationship.
If you cannot forgive him what kind of love will you have? Do you really love HIM Safa, or do you love the idea of staying married and the idea of him as your faithful husband and father to your children?
I read this and thought of my own marriage. One thing that gave me comfort is that I have never attempted to compete or pull my husband away from his other wife and his children. But the thing that really struck me deeply was when you wrote of how your children cried when they found out that their father had married again. I thought about how much that news must have hurt my husband's children and that gave me a profound sense of sadness.
Love you,
PM
12:19 PM
Assalamu Alaikum!
I am SO FREAKIN' PISSED after reading this latest blog. I love you for the sake of Allah, but I have to be honest with you Safa--your husband is a COMPLETE JERK! He is no kind of husband and will never amount to be a worthy father!
I have NO CLUE why you love him so much and freakin' care about his useless ass so much. WHY SAFA! All this dumbass has done is put you and your BEAUTIFUL children through MISERY!
He has ruined your life, he is ruining his children's lives...who else is he out to get? Man!
I don't get it...you treat him so respectfully...you do EVERYTHING to please him. How the hell....never freakin' mind. I'll never get why you are such a good person and he such a waste of oxygen.
Masha'allah you are an amazing mom and insha'allah your kids will grow up to be pious Muslimahs that ABIDE by the laws of Islam and don't create a form of Islam to suite their needs and desires!
Hopefully they are not overly scarred by the destruction their so-called father has caused...
Absolutely disgusting!
7:42 PM
Normaly I don't quote much more than Quran or hadith....but..."Truth before reconciliation", Mandela.
Saw that and thought of you.
Love you sister,
Ummbadier
12:28 AM
Salamu alaykum,
Safa as I read this all I could do was cry. I didn't even realize as the tears covered my face!
May Allah bless you with all that is good in this life and the next for your patience. Ameen
7:13 AM
I couldn't read it all. It was too painful to read. I think that it is a good thing to send it to your Husband. I think that it will make him think, but you have to be prepared for the consequences if he is unphased. I believe that you need to go to Canada, because if you aren't connected to him then the fact of your discontent is a distant reality.
*Warning*
I will now superimpose myself over all men.
Men are not multi-taskers (except those men who have a lot sisters and have close knit relationships to them)so for the most part we deal with problems that are directly in front of us. If perchance we are distanced from a problem then the problem falls lower on the priority list by default. Unless there is a connection to the problem that keeps it in the forefront of our mind like the donkey and the carrot out in front of him.
Safa I suspect that this is your situation. Contrast this from when you visited Canada the last time. Things weren't perfect but they were better (Even if it was only a fraction better). I warned you then that you need to stay and reestablish relationship dominance, but you obeyed him and returned to Egypt, now you are faced with returning (or just remaining) an outsider in your own house. Why, because someone else knows him and has moved to a position of priority in his life due to proximity. He has to deal with her on a daily basis so her fires take the bulk of his time. Your fires are at a distance and kind of surreal and greatly underestimated, and consequently undervalued. Your feelings are at a point of his last good memory of them, so if that was when you were happy then that is where his memory has locked and all of your complaints have to compete with that memory and even though they are serious the last memory of your state takes precedence in his mind. If you go to Canada and spend good time there then he has to actively readjust all of his memories and develop a good picture of your state and the state of his children. Think about it like this, what negative things do you vividly remember about your pregnancy? How much of the discomfort do you remember? Not much I'll bet (vividly) and so is the same with him he only remembers the good things, your smiles, your laughs, your happiness. We all do it in our memories delete the bad retain the good.
So you have to move back, or divorce or something, but that is your bridge to cross I'm only an old sage on your journey.
6:40 AM
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