So very alone.....

The thoughts that go round in my mind can be terrible. I expect things. Isn't that silly? Why should I expect anything? You know...I've been waiting for 1 1/2 yrs expecting a solution and it still hasn't come. So why do I expect one? My husband had told me in the beginning...that this is only temporary. Well, there is nothing temporary about 1 1/2 yrs. I'd be a fool to believe it. But I've been a fool before and believed the impossible things he's told me. Sigh.

But right now....I've been a fool again. I woke up at 3 am....waiting for the Fajr prayer. I laid in bed and thought about many things. And expected a phone call.

In my mind...my terrible mind.....I said to myself, he's going to call in the Fajr. It's the best time for us to talk, and he's called then many times. He'll have just gotten home from work and he knows I'll be up and the kids all sleeping. Oh yes....he'll call so that he can talk some sense into me. So that maybe he can reason with me. So that he can make some last ditch effort to save our marriage. Oh yes, that's what he'll do.

Well, 3 am turned to 4 am......I prayed Fajr. Quickly, because Precious Baby woke up. I sat nursing him while looking out my window. I watched the sun rise.....oh its so beautiful, masha Allah. And while watching that sun rise, I reminisced about when Precious Baby was jaundiced and how I waited during this time praying for sun. Sigh. How much of my life passes with the rising of the sun? SubhanAllah!

I laid in bed with baby, and the minutes clicked by on the beside clock. I looked at the clock closely. My 12 yr old bought it for her father on his bday. He had his bday here before he left on the last visit. In fact, Precious Baby should have been born on his bday, had I gone full term.

Anyways....the time passed and still I lay there. I really expected him to call. Sigh. And finally at 6:30 am, sleep came to me...........