The Apple Blossoms are falling.....

It was a time that held hope and promise in my young life. I owned the world. My Mom was a young mother, you know? She had me when she was 20. (I was only one year younger when I had my first child.) But she didn't have a husband with her, she had only me. And I guess, in retrospect....I had only her.


Sometimes.

For a few years, Mom was looking for love....like the song says...in all the wrong places. Sigh. I didn't get to meet any of her "men" friends. Oftentimes, I would hear snippets of things....dinner here....meeting there. But there is one person that sticks out in my mind....who I did meet. His name was Mike.


I only got to meet him the one time.....but it was a magical day. He lived in our same city, in an old house that had an existing Apple Orchard on the land. Can you call 8 apple trees an orchard? Well...Mom called it an orchard. She yelled to me...."U wanna come with me to Mike's house and go play in the apple orchard?"

YOU SURE BET I DID!


So we went over there....and that's exactly what I did. Did I mention the day was magical? Sure I went with no one to play with.....but who needed a friend when I had an entire 8 tree Apple Orchard to myself??


The only surprise I got that day was to find out that there were no apples on the trees. It was Apple Blossom time. AND IT WAS BEAUTIFUL. I stayed outside and looked at the beautiful flowers with their slightly intoxicating scent......I sat there and basked in gorgeous solitude. Perhaps I even compared it to the peace and tranquility of my beloved pine forest. Perhaps. But of course, the pine forest would win hands down.


I discovered that ants thought a lot about the beautiful flowers.....not to mention the bees. In fact, I ended up getting stung that day. More than once. But it didn't phase me. Life is about more than just little bee stings.


One bee somehow had difficulty disengaging his stinger, and I had to pull him off my hand.....his buzzing making my body feel like I was holding a low voltage live wire. I let him go and sat looking at the stinger in my hand. Is that all the bee has to say for his life? He pollinates these trees, he makes honey to survive.....and now that he's stung me, he'll shortly die. Was he happy? Will he bravely try to fly back to the nest? Maybe see his family for the last time? And then pass away into the fading light? Maybe the other worker bees will collect the pollen from his dead feet?


I sat there for a time and looked at that stinger....still pumping its poison into my hand. Such a sad ending. Finally, I pulled that stinger out and threw it away....looked around for a patch of mud to paste over the sting. Oh yes....I knew all about bee stings.


But back to the magical day......


At one point, I would find a deep part of myself within that solitude, u know? It was like...if I didn't move too much and stayed very, very quiet.....something magical might happen. Did you ever feel like that as a child? I know I felt it many times....in the pine forest, late at night in my room, camping under the stars....and then....at this apple orchard.


So I'd sit there....I have no idea how long.....but I'd sing a little bit and I'd talk a little bit.....and I'd find a deep part of me that I believed...."knew something." I'd feel like yelling out..."I KNOW THE SECRETS OF THE WORLD!!".....with my joy and happiness.


But SubhanAllah....this feeling never lasted long enough. Too soon, my Mom was calling me to go....I said bye to Mike....and that was the last I saw of him......I suppose the last that Mom ever saw as well, cuz she never mentioned him again, and neither did she ever bring home a shopping bag of apples. But it wasn't the last I saw of the orchard. Many times Mom and I would drive by there and Mom would say....looks like Mike still has the place......


Mom only said that for a few years though, cuz later he must have sold the place as it got torn down and now there's a Medical walk in clinic there.


So why is Safa talking about the Apple Orchard? Well.....I've been having that old feeling again, you know? And I find it suprising.....find it to be part of that old, fairytale believing, happy ending girl that exists inside me. She just won't go away people. She just won't go away.


So I'm thinking....and thinking....and trying to keep that outside smile on for my girls..... but deep inside... you know what's going on?

Do you know what that old feeling is?

(I'm asking, pleading....)



It's like....... if I don't move too much and stay very, very quiet.....something magical might happen. Sigh.

(my eyes well up.....)

Truth is.....well.......


I KNOW WHAT THE TRUTH IS!

(the tears start to fall)


That magic has been taken away..... been torn down....... I've driven by that place inside my mind many times..... and I know what's there instead of that little bit of magic.....


I KNOW WHAT MY MIND KNOWS!


The apple blossoms are falling....(crying harder now)....and this season is the last. There are no bees around to pollinate and to guarantee a good harvest.

The apple blossoms.......and the apple orchard doesn't exist anymore. I know....I know....

I just don't wanna look.