The sand is on the wind.......

I had such a rough night sleeping. SubhanAllah.



My nose was stuffed and I had to breath thru my mouth, which made me horribly thirsty. So between waking up to roll over, to blow my nose, to pee and then to drink water.....it was absolutely HORRIBLE. (drinking water just compounded the peeing problem!) So basically at one point, I just said...TO HECK WITH THIS! And gave up and watched some tv.



So this morning I wake up, and I see what the problem was. I didn't realize it last night...but the minute the sun popped up, it was like...OHHHHHHHHH!



Seems like today we are having a sandstorm. And even tho I've been here for 6 yrs, you can't take the country out of me. I get an allergic reaction to the sand. Hence the plugged up nose. I remember when my hubby and I were first married.....he couldn't sit on the grass without suffering for it later. LOL. He eventually got over that.....but it looks like it will take me longer than he did.


Now it's interesting how you can smell the sand on the wind, u know? It's like dusting under your bed, and sneezing until it all settles down. You can't see the sand in the air, but you will find it on the balcony, on your car, on anything that stands still.....u'll find it there sometime later.



Could you compare that to sins? Where you sometimes aren't aware of them, but sometime later, u find yourself soiled? Does that make any sense?



Well, one thing you can't compare it to, is the smell of rain on the wind....or fresh cut grass....or even the smell of Jasmine flowers. What a different smell is sand on the wind. It'll take a day to stop blowing the sand.....and for the dust to settle down.....but for awhile, you put up with it, knowing that fresher things are to come.
Well, finally for me, there is an end in sight. And sometimes I become frantic with the realization. I say to myself...I've been running for almost 2 yrs.......and 2 mos more isn't much to ask for. But you know? I see the end, I really do. And like some other sisters have decided, that they prefer happiness dependant on Allah, rather than happiness dependant on a man, I too, choose this for myself. What a strong statement.


I haven't updated you all in a long time with any details....let me tell you a few now........



My husband has been calling me sporadically. Not every day, not even every other day. Just off and on. Always complaining of being busy, always saying he has problems.....sigh. Never saying any of the key words..."I miss you and the girls, I need you all, I really want to be with you guys.....etc, etc" None of that nice stuff that strengthens a marriage and blows a fresh breeze into it. No, none of that.



He hasn't managed to say when he's coming back, or even discuss that issue.



I haven't asked.



He never mentions his wife.



I haven't asked.



He talks about his work sometimes.....but mainly, mainly......he asks me whats going on here. So I ramble on about the kids, about the baby, about the tutors, about the villa, about the family, etc, etc........and then he tells me what to do.



PUH LEASE!



He'll listen and say...uh huh, uh huh, uh huh....and then say...okay....I want you to....blah blah BLAH! To be honest, I don't like that very much. Well, AT ALL. We used to discuss things, but now I feel that he says NOTHING, and I say it ALL. No niceties, no lovelies.....just business.


So one day I told him that. I said..u know...a conversation is a two way thing. I talk and you talk and we communicate. But talking to you is HUGELY unfulfilling. He gave some of the standard excuses....I don't want to tell u my problems...to which I responded....then talk about the weather and try not calling me from work, that'll help too. This was about two weeks ago, I think. Since then, he's called me once from home with a calling card. Just once. Sigh. And then he just stopped calling.



One of the times he called he said he has been walking around with a calling card in his pocket, planning on calling me in fajr my time. Oh ya. I told him that used to work with me before, but now I want action, not just words. He knows what he can do with the words.


A few nights ago he called when I was sleeping. He talked to all the girls, and I didn't get up....the kids told me to come talk to him, but I told them...let me sleep. He hasn't called back since. That must have been about 3 days ago.


Am I bothered?


Actually, no I'm not. I'm enjoying the quiet. I'm glad to not have the pressure of talking to him. I just feel like I push myself to discuss things with him and to really run around the fact that there are really other things I'd like to talk about. But how can I share with him? Even when he was in Egypt, he didn't have time for me or the girls. I never did get my talk, remember? So I"ve just given it up to Allah. And funny enough, something happened yesterday that took me by surprise.

I
saw
the
light.

HAHA....I'm serious friends! I did.

I was looking off the balcony, enjoying the moon, the quiet, and just sitting by myself in quiet contemplation. It was glorious. And as I was looking, a street lamp that lights the path from my house to the nearest store, suddenly burst into light. I was thinking....wow, that's strange. Then started chuckling to myself and said...no, it's a sign! I can see the light! So I sat there, thinking about it. Laughing inside myself in agreement. Yes, yes, I can.

I've been seeing the light for a while now. Knowing where I'm going and making decisions. Coming to conclusions, that will change my life and that of my children. Yet knowing that there is really nothing more that I can do. I've done my part. I feel so much better knowing that I've given up the details to Allah.

Remember how I said I wasn't going to ask questions, I wasn't going to cry, I wasn't going to make demands.....I'm just going to see what time will bring. The answers will come with it. Insha Allah!

And as the time passes, as my round tummy grows bigger....and the kicks from inside become stronger and maybe a wee bit impatient....I say to myself.....yes, Safa.....yes...I can smell the sand on the wind.

It's invaded my very being.......It'll take a short time till it stops blowing.....and for the dust to settle down.....but for a short while more, I'll put up with it, knowing, yet still praying, that fresher things are to come.